[Increase Boone]

My names is Increase Boone, and I live here on Boone Hill in Tennessee, but I have to move now because things happen when I wasn't there or even in the area but now Sheriff McInnis says its best if whoever did it ain't in town when they find Billy Blue's body and they ain't gonna find it but they might find his arm when old Doc Ellis cleans out the back freezer at the general store come this winter like he always does.

Billie Mae McBride told me I have to move to Italian because they hide them popes there so I should be fine, but my second cousin Virgil Ray Seider says I can't move to Italian because they only take popes so I reckon since I was baptized I'm a Baptist because the church near the river where I was dunked says Baptist on it. So Earl Stultz who is a deputy and Billy Blue's cousin also says that not only should whoever leave town but they better not be anywhere on any map and Virgil Ray says hey old Grannie Sutton says she knows this place out of state that ain't on any map and she had kin there back before the war and they are real good people. So I talk to old Granny Sutton and she told me where to find Freehold and said if I watched my peas and cues I might find a trailer or something there and I told her I ain't gonna live in no trailer cause I won that powerball back in oh four and I still got over two hunnerd million like when I won.

So Grannie Sutton says I out to write you all and see if the place is still there and if the revenuers ever found that one old mine and whether you took us outsiders and if you have a bank and can find an account ant and I tell her I don't need no account any cause I know my numbers right smart and I can look in the shopping basket and almost always tell if its gonna take a twenny or a hunnerd to pay for it all. So she says ask anyhow.

My favorite Bible verse is that one where Jesus kicks over a table. I like that one a lot and I tried it at a bar in Pikeville once and they threw me out and I guess they never read the Bible at that bar.

Have a nice day and also someone keeps drawing lines under words I write and that ain't me doing it. Have a nice day.

Increase Boone.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Praise Jesus and welcome to God's favorite forum. Please tell us about yourself. What do you do for a living? What's the name of your Church? I didn't see you bragging on your Pastor at all. What about your wife? What's her best pie?

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[Alvin Moss]

Welcome, Increase. Though you are unlettered, I can see your heart is in the right place.

Do tell us of your life among the snake handlers.

God Bless!

[Increase Boone]

Howdy Pastor Ezekiel sir I do some light farming and grow some herbs that help people who got the glaucoma and then I make some beverages on the side and will need to know if Freehold has a hardware store that carries copper tube and can I buy corn in bulk and also yeast.

Our Pastor was Nathaniel Schrank and he went to Jesus right after I won the powerball lottery and he came around and said the church which is up on Schrank's Hill and is Schrank's Hill Baptist Church needs a new roof and I was never about and always sleeping when I was and it would be my right Christian duty were I to give a tithe so that he could fix the roof and I told him there weren't no such word as a tithe and he smacked me behind the ear and said there darn sure were and he pulled out his Bible and showed me so he won that bet. And then weren't nobody knew how much a tithe was and Pastor Schrank said he reckoned about a million out to to it and maybe God would forget about what happened to his brother Rick's coon hound pups way back then and I told him I didn't have nothing to do with that and even if I did that Virgil was there too and maybe he might should pay half but since I like old Virgil I paid his half too.

Then old Pastor Schrank's house caught on fire right after I gave him the money and everybody said ain't that the damndest thing and we never found his body but his truck was gone so I guess he's driving it up in heaven now. He was a right fine man and would always stop and give you a lift if your truck broke down and he would let you ride up front if you didn't smell like you wet the bed that day. So now we got a church with a bad roof and no Pastor and he was a pretty good shot with a thirty aught six and could drop a deer at a half mile.

I don't got no wife and have always been sweet on Billie Mae McBride but her Pa is sore with me cause he thinks I siphoned gas out of his truck but I couldn't have cause I was in jail that weekend for drummed up false charges of bootlegging that really never happened but doesn't matter cause the judge signed the search warrant in the wrong place and those were mason jars full of racing fuel which happens to be made like moonshiine so I couldn't have taken his gas. It looks like Virgil is gonna marry her now that I need to leave town over this something I didn't even do.

Have a nice day.

[Increase Boone]

Howdy Alvin Moss sir. Them Pentecostals are led by James Clark whose grandpa kicked one of my grandma's hens and killed it and we been shooting at them ever since cause he didn't pay her for it and shook his fist at her instead. They hold them rattler's up to the heavens and pray, then they flop down on the ground like a bunch of fish on the bank and babble nonsense and ma always says they look like they having a fit but I always think they look plum quare. For all they like of snakes, they don't like it none when you fill up their outhouses with a poke of rattlers.

[Witch Hammer]

It seems Jesus is helping you keep your uppityness in check, that's good. Don't rape any white women, steal any pies or give any back-sass to your betters and things will go well for you.

After you've tithed all that ill-gotten (gambling is a sin, boy!) loot to LBC, and find yourself in need of funds, I have an old shine-box I can lease to you for a nominal fee. Give a jig a fish, and you feed him for a day...teach a jig to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime...

[Increase Boone]

Howdy Witch Hammer you sure don't look much like a witch cause your hat ain't pointy. My Pa says the lottery ain't gambling cause all people are doing is throwing their money to the state and ain't nobody ever win it until I came along and thats why they call me Lucky Crease except when they just call me Crease.

I reckon Jesus done spent the tithe I gave so I figure I'll have to buy someone another roof and I don't rape women and ain't seen any that weren't white except that one who gave me the lottery check and I thought it was gonna wipe off and get my hand dirty but she had pink palms and I didn't get none on me. She wore a pants suit and was really tall and had short crinkly hair and I thought she was a man but she had breasts and sounded sort of like a woman and didn't have a very firm handshake.

Have a nice day and somebody is still drawing lines under my words and they should knock that off. Have a nice day.

Increase Boone

[Mrs. Elizabeth Johnson]

Hi Increase Boon!

I was wondering what is your favorite verse? Welcome to these forums, I'm sure you'll find some godly people; I know I did!

[Increase Boone]

Howdy Miss lstarksixteen my favorite verse is where Jesus kicks over a table and it is Matthew twenty one twelve and I can't quote it cause I'm in a Motel 6 and all I got is this Gideon Bible that somebody left in a drawer here but I found the verse right now after I broke the control thing to the television set that was tacked down to the table and the top popped off when I tried to pick it up.

Have a nice day and thank you whoever you are for not drawing red lines under my words any more. Have a nice day.

Increase Boone.

[Witch Hammer]

Originally Posted by Increase Boone

Howdy Witch Hammer you sure don't look much like a witch cause your hat ain't pointy. My Pa says the lottery ain't gambling cause all people are doing is throwing their money to the state and ain't nobody ever win it until I came along and thats why they call me Lucky Crease except when they just call me Crease.

I reckon Jesus done spent the tithe I gave so I figure I'll have to buy someone another roof and I don't rape women and ain't seen any that weren't white except that one who gave me the lottery check and I thought it was gonna wipe off and get my hand dirty but she had pink palms and I didn't get none on me. She wore a pants suit and was really tall and had short crinkly hair and I thought she was a man but she had breasts and sounded sort of like a woman and didn't have a very firm handshake.

Have a nice day and somebody is still drawing lines under my words and they should knock that off. Have a nice day.

Increase Boone

Am I incorrect in assuming that you are of the negroidial persuasion?

[Increase Boone]

Howdy Witch Hammer the only time I was black was that time me and Virgil tried to climb down old Conroe Seider's chimney and leave rocks under their Christmas tree. Pa took a willer switch to my butt that morning and I never tried that again. Ma made me warsh off in the creek and it was about frozen and I looked like a prune.

Have a nice day even you person who keeps making red lines under my words. Have a nice day.

Increase Boone.

[Harsha Shah]

Yes, Mr. Boone.

I am having some trouble following your writing probably because I am using British English and you writing is filled with American specialties, yes? I hope you are not offended by my reply. It is nice to see new people here, I am quite new also.

Yes. If I understand correctly, there has been a lot of violence in your life. This is very unfortunate and I wish things are getting better gradually. This is what your god says. "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." It is Luke Gospel, Chapter 2. I like this part of the Bible very much. It is not very different from my religion (I practise Jainism). They are both for non-violence. I think you are seeking and end to the violence, eh? Yes, you must be. It is possible that the people of this online community can help. I think if you have peace of mind and get liberated from violence, it is always good regardless of the religion or philosophy that is helping you. Yes. The best of luck for you.

[Increase Boone]

Howdy Miss Harsha Shah I read you and me just fine so you might want to have someone look at your laptop computer. I'm staying at a motel 6 and there are women that stand around on the corner by the motel 6 and they'll do work for you if you pay them two hunnerd an hour and one of them even offered me some kinda job but I told her I don't need no job right now cause I'm set so if maybe you hire one of them she could look at your laptop computer and then you could read me and you and others better.

I don't know what violence you mean but if somebody did something to you that makes you wear that thing on your forehead to cover up the scars you know you can legally shoot them for that and because people think I gotta accent they can sometimes scriminate and that ain't legal and they passed a law against scriminating against an Appalachian accent and we can legally shoot them if they do. Its a law.

Have a nice day and I thank my laptop computer is gotta devil in it cause it keeps putting lines under my words and when I click submit reply the lines go away and now this thing pops up in the corner and a woman says she wants to talk to me but she ain't really there and also I gotta stomach ache last night. Have a nice day.

Increase Boone