[Free Market Fred]

Hello Brothers and Sisters! I think by now you've all heard the big news...

Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 - which went missing on March 8, 2014 - has been found! It did not - like many claimed - crash into the Indian Ocean near Australia. Rather, it turned up in the Ukraine just yesterday:

Malaysia Airlines jet crashes in Ukraine

I know that some have expressed skepticism that an airplane could fly around for over four months on a single tank of fuel, but this was a Boeing 777, a new model designed for it's excellent fuel economy (like a flying Prius, but without the homo baggage). And Boeing is, after all, an American aircraft manufacturer, a fact for which we can all be proud!



I especially feel a sense of pride, since all of Boeing's aircraft parts are manufactured by my company, in China. Of course, the Chink parts are still proudly assembled into actual finished airplanes at the Boeing factory just north of Seattle, Washington, USA...though next month we are planning to outsource that operation to a prison-labor farm in the suburbs of Shanghai. Nevertheless, the Boeing management offices will remain firmly on US soil, since it will be at least a year before we've trained our Indian staff well enough so that corporate headquarters can move to Bangalore. However, I can state that we will permanently maintain a PO Box in Seattle and thus officially have a mailing address in the USA, which qualifies us an American company - that comes in handy for receiving tax breaks, subsidies and bailouts, and is mandatory to qualify us for no-bid military contracts.

Anyway, to answer the question on everyone's mind: Why was the aircraft flying around all these months? Well obviously, it was commandeered by Al Qaeda terrorists, emboldened by Obama's failure in Benghazi. The plane finally crashed in the Ukraine, after being shot down by the Cubans.

What this all goes to show is that we need a big increase in military spending. I was shocked to learn that under Obama, the percentage of the federal government's budget going to support the military has fallen to a mere 59%, down from 60% under Godly President Bush! This is shameful and outrageous, and we all need to call our congressmen and demand that it be raised at once to 80%.

As our nation's largest military contractor, the Uranus Corporation is ready, willing and able to produce quality weapons to keep you and your family safe. As I'm sure all True Christians will agree, the Lord wants America to maintain a state of eternal diligence and a bloated defense budget. We can easily afford to do this if we eliminate social security, Medicare and food stamps. It's what Jesus would do if He was president.