Cot Death/Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

[Brother Temperance]

Cot death is also called SIDS -- an acronym which stands for sudden infant death syndrome. Cot death isn't any one illness or disease. Rather, it's a diagnosis, given when an apparently healthy baby under the age of one dies without warning. When doctors and investigators can't pinpoint a cause after performing a full investigation including an autopsy, review of family and medical history and examination of the death scene, the cause is clearly an act of God. It is hard for us mere mortals to say why God chooses to smite babies in this fashion, yet it is clear that they must have displeased Him somehow. Today, I'm going to show you how to minimise the risk of cot death by eradicating liberal and atheistic tendencies in one's infant.

Put your baby to sleep on his or her face
It is a well-known fact that demons can enter a child during sleep, and demon-possessed children being slain by God is a major cause of cot death. Putting a child to sleep with its face and stomach down is a surefire way of reducing the risk of demonic entry via the mouth or nose.

Don't allow liberals to prevent you smoking near your baby
During the 2004 elections, the tobacco industry donated over $2,000,000 to the Republican party. This is a good and Godly industry, unjustly persecuted by various forms of totalitarian and liberal secularists. Exposing your child to smoke from an early age will help to immunise it against secularist/liberal propaganda.

Use soft sleeping surfaces for bedding
Waterbeds, beanbags, baby nests and other soft surfaces are excellent for this purpose. The use of a firm, flat mattress may lead to gender confusion, and should be avoided.

Avoid underheating your baby
An insufficiently warm room, too little bedding, or bedding that cannot cover a baby's head sufficiently are associated with an increased risk of cot death. If you fear your baby may be falling under Satanic influence, it is important that you give your baby a chance to sweat it out: sweating, damp hair, heat rash, rapid breathing and restlessness all indicate that a child is being kept at the correct temperature.
It is important that you give your child room to move around; placing its feet at the foot of the cot or pram and tucking covers in securely so that they cannot slip over the child's head are both examples of the sort of behaviour that may lead to your child becoming a work-adverse hippy, and thus a prime candidate for God's wrath.

[Mrs. Rogers]

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance

Use soft sleeping surfaces for bedding
Waterbeds, beanbags, baby nests and other soft surfaces are excellent for this purpose.

The humble sheepskin blanket is wonderful for babies, and a known demon deterrent; whenever baby breathes small sheepie fibres into her lungs, the fibres form a barrier which demons refuse to cross, as they associate said barrier with The Ultimate Lamb©.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

My father and grandfather used my nursery as their smoking room for years before I was brought into this world by Jesus. They saw no reason to stop, and so my earliest memories are of the sweet smell of my grandfathers cheroots, and the sudden alarming sensation of burns on my tiny bum for crying or fussing like a girl. Ah, memories! To this day, when I catch a whiff of Godly tobacco smoke....but that's another story.

What really irks me is THIS story, which was reprinted in this month's copy of "Christian Smokers Quarterly". The Californicators seem to have endless time on their hands to attack decent American family values!!

[Glendora Christianson]

I don't care how young your baby is, bedwetting is still a sin in our Lord's eyes. In my opinion, wetting the bed is similar to having nocturnal emissions, which is way too close to MASTURBATION! (forgive me Jesus).

Anyway, when my son Skeeter was a baby, they made a delightful anti-bedwetting pad that gave the baby a little electrical buzz when he wet the bed. Thanks to this device, we had little Skeeter potty trained at 3 months of age. Of course, we kept using the anti-bedwetting pad untill he was 18, just to make sure he didn't back-slide.

Now, with the liberals messing everything up, you can't buy the kind of bedwetting device that gives a little electrical shock, but folks who are handy might be able to make one from an old extension cord and an aluminum rack from an old refrigerator or oven.

But don't be discouraged if your hubby isn't handy with tools (he probably makes more money with his desk job anyway). Instead, get one of these modern bedwetting alarms at the link below. I know they're not as effective, but when combined with a good Christian spanking they'll do just fine. CARING MOTHER GLYNNDIE

http://www.webehave.com/ntrainer.htm

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance

It is a well-known fact that demons can enter a child during sleep, and demon-possessed children being slain by God is a major cause of cot death. Putting a child to sleep with its face and stomach down is a surefire way of reducing the risk of demonic entry via the mouth or nose.

And if the infant does become host to a demon, vigorously shaking him or her is a good way to cast out the evil spirit. To take your mind off the gravity of the situation, pretend you are making a margarita.

[BibleThumpinBlonde]

Another handy tip is to turn thier crib upside down over them, it then becomes like a little holding cell that they can't crawl out of at night. You can get a restful night's sleep knowing they are safe and sound as JESUS watches over them.


Helpful, Sister Thumper

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Another one of satan's traps for infants and toddlers is thumb sucking. Nothing will turn your son into a limp-wristed sodomite faster than that perverted activity. Years ago they used to make a solution called "suckoff" that you'd spread on your baby's fingers, and it tasted like skunk vomit. Of course the liebrals have put a stop to that now, so I'd recommend that modern parents do what my folks did: coat your baby's fingers with Tabasco, or any of the hot sauces that you can buy at the Piggly Wiggly (now that the wetbacks are infesting our Godly country).

Thanks to Jesus and my parents, I grew up to become a Heterosexural White Republican True Christian Male. Who craves very very spicy foods of all kind.

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Another one of satan's traps for infants and toddlers is thumb sucking. Nothing will turn your son into a limp-wristed sodomite faster than that perverted activity. Years ago they used to make a solution called "suckoff" that you'd spread on your baby's fingers, and it tasted like skunk vomit.

I'm not entirely sure I approve of that name.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance

I'm not entirely sure I approve of that name.

Well, this was back in the Godly 1950's you see, when people didn't have their vocabulary stolen by sodomites and pornogrippers. I recall my grandfather using the word "gay" many times, and it only meant happy, like when Carey Grant said it in that great old movie, "Bringing up Baby".

Oh how I long for the morality of the 1950's.....

[Ixi]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

And if the infant does become host to a demon, vigorously shaking him or her is a good way to cast out the evil spirit. To take your mind off the gravity of the situation, pretend you are making a margarita.

Shaking a baby?!?!?! That just hurts them! Thier brains are small, they slosh around in thier heads when you shake them! Could you be anymore sick!?!?