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  #221  
Old 07-17-2012, 12:59 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Friend, you are an admitted sinner as is your wife. You will not go to Heaven. You must repent and sin no more if there is going to be any chance of you going to Heaven. See friend, all True Christians™ are going. We do not sin. We have been washed in His Blood and we follow His word EXACTLY as written in the Bible. We do not interpret, we do not skip parts, we do not think we know better than Him. So friend, you are a deluded, confused person, no doubt with demons in your colon causing that tense feeling you get from time to time. Think about it.
__________________
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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  #222  
Old 07-17-2012, 01:03 AM
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Bogdana Alkeav Bogdana Alkeav is offline
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Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamE135 View Post
Maybe reading this would help you understand the existance of Satan.
http://www.godandscience.org/doctrine/who_is_satan.html
I think that website is twisting scripture. For example, it claims that a passage from Ezekiel 28:12-18 is talking about the devil when read in context it is talking about a human being, the king of Babylon. It also doesn't say anything about the devil having been a cherub and the most powerful of God's angelic beings, as the article claims.

According to ancient Jewish tradition, satan is an angel who is still in good-standing with God, whose job it is to test people. He has no free will of his own.

Quote:
Also I do not think God demands we call him Lord...What matter is that we Love and try to follow him.
Romans 10:9 That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
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  #223  
Old 07-17-2012, 04:10 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bogdana Alkeav View Post
I think that website is twisting scripture. For example, it claims that a passage from Ezekiel 28:12-18 is talking about the devil when read in context it is talking about a human being, the king of Babylon. It also doesn't say anything about the devil having been a cherub and the most powerful of God's angelic beings, as the article claims.

According to ancient Jewish tradition, satan is an angel who is still in good-standing with God, whose job it is to test people. He has no free will of his own.



Romans 10:9 That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Hey! Yea, you! Communist whore! Get the hell out of the MEN's ONLY section of the forum! You may be a joke but you sure aren't manly!
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #224  
Old 07-17-2012, 08:31 AM
AdamE135 (Quarantined) AdamE135 is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
Friend, you are an admitted sinner as is your wife. You will not go to Heaven. You must repent and sin no more if there is going to be any chance of you going to Heaven. See friend, all True Christians™ are going. We do not sin. We have been washed in His Blood and we follow His word EXACTLY as written in the Bible. We do not interpret, we do not skip parts, we do not think we know better than Him. So friend, you are a deluded, confused person, no doubt with demons in your colon causing that tense feeling you get from time to time. Think about it.
The Bible tells us we are born sinners, we therefore must admit we are sinners. I have asked God to wash away my sins, and so has my wife. We follow Jesus to the best of our ability, however there are times when we sin because we our human, God's grace however still means that these sins are washed away so that I may be clean because Jesus is in my heart.

You name call by saying I am 'deluded,confused' instead of offering pray and support as a TRUE Christian would.
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  #225  
Old 07-17-2012, 08:37 AM
AdamE135 (Quarantined) AdamE135 is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bogdana Alkeav View Post
I think that website is twisting scripture. For example, it claims that a passage from Ezekiel 28:12-18 is talking about the devil when read in context it is talking about a human being, the king of Babylon. It also doesn't say anything about the devil having been a cherub and the most powerful of God's angelic beings, as the article claims.

According to ancient Jewish tradition, satan is an angel who is still in good-standing with God, whose job it is to test people. He has no free will of his own.



Romans 10:9 That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Forgive me for using that source, I read it briefly and thought it would provide a good overview of how the devil came to exist. Jewish tradition is not always Christian.

As for Romans 10:9...I think the point is that if you say 'Jesus is Lord' without it being true in your heart then you will not be saved. What about people who are unable to speak for whatever reason, do you think because they cannot form these words they will not be saved. It is in our heart what matters, if we are unable to say these words but believe in our heart that Jesus is Lord then we will be saved.

Matthew 15:11-20
King James Version (KJV)
11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.

because...

18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.

19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:

20 These are the things which defile a man
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  #226  
Old 07-17-2012, 07:28 PM
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Bogdana Alkeav Bogdana Alkeav is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Hey! Yea, you! Communist whore! Get the hell out of the MEN's ONLY section of the forum! You may be a joke but you sure aren't manly!
Piss off, the adults are talking Zekey.
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  #227  
Old 07-17-2012, 07:30 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bogdana Alkeav View Post
Piss off, the adults are talking Zekey.
Yes we are. So shouldn't you be fetching us a beer?
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  #228  
Old 07-17-2012, 07:35 PM
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Bogdana Alkeav Bogdana Alkeav is offline
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Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Bogdana Alkeav is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamE135 View Post
Forgive me for using that source, I read it briefly and thought it would provide a good overview of how the devil came to exist. Jewish tradition is not always Christian.
So I must ask again, where in the BIBLE does it say how the devil came to exist? There is reason to believe, from the Bible, that Satan works for God.

Does Satan Work For God?

Quote:
As for Romans 10:9...I think the point is that if you say 'Jesus is Lord' without it being true in your heart then you will not be saved. What about people who are unable to speak for whatever reason, do you think because they cannot form these words they will not be saved. It is in our heart what matters, if we are unable to say these words but believe in our heart that Jesus is Lord then we will be saved.
Right. So to be saved, God requires you take him on as your Lord. I guess we're agreed.
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  #229  
Old 07-18-2012, 11:51 AM
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Alphonse Alban Alphonse Alban is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bogdana Alkeav View Post
There is reason to believe, from the Bible, that Satan works for God.
I would not go as far as saying that Satan works for God. It's more likely that God allows Satan to lure in weak minded people who does not believe in God.
However as God created everything, He must have created Satan as well. God is also source of all evil, so it could be seen that God is working through Satan to punish people not following His will.

Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
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  #230  
Old 07-18-2012, 01:57 PM
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Angry Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamE135 View Post
The Bible tells us we are born sinners, we therefore must admit we are sinners. I have asked God to wash away my sins, and so has my wife. We follow Jesus to the best of our ability, however there are times when we sin because we our human, God's grace however still means that these sins are washed away so that I may be clean because Jesus is in my heart.

You name call by saying I am 'deluded,confused' instead of offering pray and support as a TRUE Christian would.
Friend, I say those things to get you to open your eyes. You are not doing what God commands. When you die and open your eyes, you will see the piecing stare of Satan and not the warmth of Jesus.
You cannot simply decide you are purified, you have to follow Gods word. You cannot modify or change it to suit you. Following His word to the best of your ability means nothing. Everyone does not win a prize. Either you succeed and go to Heaven or you fail and go to Hell.
Did you ever go to school? Did you graduate with honors simply because 'You tried'? Do not be absurd. Either you are a winner or a sinner. There is no middle ground. God does not coddle retards like fluffy bunny false Christians do.
Praying for you is pointless as you deliberately are mocking God by claiming to know better than Him. We can only help those that want help. I am not going to hold your penis so your aim at Gods sandals is better.
__________________
Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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  #231  
Old 07-18-2012, 06:24 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

OK, back on track:

Q: What's another word for cocoon?

A: N-negro.
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  #232  
Old 07-18-2012, 09:08 PM
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Higgins Higgins is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Hey Guys, you know what is funny?



Women's rights.
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Genesis 4:12: When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.

Numbers 35:19: The revenger of blood himself shall slay the murderer: when he meeteth him, he shall slay him.
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  #233  
Old 09-24-2012, 01:34 AM
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Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

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Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Manly Jokes

I heard this joke from an Eye-talian fella I ran into over in Hong Cong recently. He was staying in the same hotel, we got to chatting, and he shared this joke.

Quote:
Luigi and his cousin Mario were standing on the hills of Italy overlooking the sea.

Luigi says to Mario, “Do you see the docks on the edge of the sea? I Luigi built all of those wonderful docks.
Do they call me Luigi the dock builder? No.

Do you see all of the beautiful ships on the water? I Luigi built those ships.
Do they call me Luigi the ship builder? No!

Do you see all of the beautiful mansions on the hill? I Luigi built all of those beautiful mansions!
Do they call me Luigi the mansion builder? NO!

But, you fucka one goat…”
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #234  
Old 09-24-2012, 02:21 AM
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Rev. M. Rodimer Rev. M. Rodimer is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Luigi the Goat-Lover joke
Isn't that one of the bonus levels in Super Mario Brothers?
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  #235  
Old 11-04-2012, 12:21 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

A mooslim gets into a taxi in London and says take me to Tower Hamlets.
The driver says"Ok" and starts to drive.
The mooslim says "Could you please turn off your music because in the time of the prophet there was no western music.?"
The taxi driver stops the taxi, gets out and opens the door. The mooslim says "What are you doing?"
The taxi driver says"In the time of the prophet there were no taxi's, get out and wait for a pifflein' camel."
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Isaiah 66:15

For behold, the Lord wil come with fire, and with his charets like a whirlewinde, to render his anger with furie, and his rebuke with flames of fire.
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  #236  
Old 12-09-2012, 01:25 AM
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Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

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Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Crap Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.
Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!
__________________
Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #237  
Old 12-13-2012, 05:02 AM
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Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

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Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Manly Jokes

__________________
Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #238  
Old 12-13-2012, 07:58 AM
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WilliamJenningsBryan WilliamJenningsBryan is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Why did NASA send at least one woman on every mission?

Because she weighs 150lbs. less than an automatic dishwasher.
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brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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  #239  
Old 12-22-2012, 11:33 PM
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Freddy McGuinness Freddy McGuinness is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

I don't know if this one has been said yet..

Why did the man build his wife a window over the sink?
To give her a point of view!
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  #240  
Old 12-29-2012, 03:03 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Freddy McGuinness View Post
I don't know if this one has been said yet..

Why did the man build his wife a window over the sink?
To give her a point of view!
That's just sick. A man tells a woman what her point of view is!
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