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Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed!

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  #321  
Old 04-11-2013, 01:45 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Since we are alone here, I thought I'd share a few of my favorite jokes with you guys. Feel free to post your own.

Q: What do 10,000 "abused" women have in common?

A: They just wouldn't listen!




Q: What do you say to a woman with two black-eyes?

A: Nothing - you already told her twice!...



Q: Whats the first thing a beaten wife should do after coming back from hospital after the last "incident"?

A: The dishes if she know's whats good for her.
Q:what is the difference between a baptist and a jack-o-lantern?
A:the jack o lantern is actually bright

Q: why does it take longer to make a baptist snow man?
A:because you have to spend time hollowing out the head

Q: what is the difference between a True Christian™ and a Nazi?
A: ...hmmm... I can't seem to think of any
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  #322  
Old 04-11-2013, 02:00 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hunter Metzger View Post

Q: what is the difference between a True Christian™ and a Nazi?
A: ...hmmm... I can't seem to think of any
Hitler was a Catholic, dummy.



YiC (NOT MARY),

Zech
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  #323  
Old 04-11-2013, 06:01 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hunter Metzger View Post
Q:what is the difference between a baptist and a jack-o-lantern?
A:the jack o lantern is actually bright

Q: why does it take longer to make a baptist snow man?
A:because you have to spend time hollowing out the head

Q: what is the difference between a True Christian™ and a Nazi?
A: ...hmmm... I can't seem to think of any
Here's a few for Hunter the Homo:

Q: What do you get when you cross an eskimo and a homo?
A: A snowblower.

Q: What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in the butt.

Q: What do homos call hemorrhoids?
A: Speed bumps.

YIC
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  #324  
Old 05-03-2013, 10:39 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Here's one making the rounds...skip it if you heard it.

Shipwrecked,

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “take the dog for a walk.”
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  #325  
Old 05-04-2013, 05:55 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

After years of his wife pestering him to take her golfing with him, to shut her up, Jake finally took his wife to the golf course. On the tenth hole, Jake stood on the tee, checked the wind, and sliced his shot so it landed on the wrong side of the caretaker's shed. When Jake and his wife surveyed what his next shot might be, Jake's wife said, "You know, honey, the shed has a door at each end. If I hold the doors open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green with a 1-iron. Jake thought about it and it actually sounded like a decent plan. Unfortunately, his shot was not quite true. The ball hit the jamb of the first door, ricocheted, and struck his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

A couple weeks later, at the same course with a few of his buddies, Jake stood at the tee of the tenth hole, the events of his last visit still weighing heavily on him. And once again he sliced his shot, landing in almost exactly the same place behind the same shed. When he and the other three guys got to where they could size up the situation, one of the guys said, "Jake, the shed has a door at each end. If I hold the doors open for you, you'll have a clear shot at the green with a 1-iron." Jake said, "Oh no! Last time I tried that I ended up with a double bogey."
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  #326  
Old 05-04-2013, 06:14 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Hopefully not a repeat:

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.
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  #327  
Old 05-05-2013, 12:07 AM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

A few more one liners:

Q: A negro and his negress girlfriend are in a car. Who's driving?
A: The cop.

Q: What's long and hard on a negro?
A: The first grade.

Q: What would martin luther king be if he was white?
A: Alive.

YIC
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2 Samuel 11:13 And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.
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  #328  
Old 05-05-2013, 05:50 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Q: What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a buffalo?

A:
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  #329  
Old 05-05-2013, 05:50 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Two poor nigras are on the street when they come across an ad on a building saying "Be white, only 99 cents!" They count up their change. Nigra 1 only has $1, and the other has 98 cents. Nigra 2: "you go in there, become whiite, and then give me the penny so I can become white too!" Nigra 1: "that's a good idea, brutha." So, he goes into the building. Nigra 2 wait's about 5 minutes, and then his buddy comes out holding a briefcase, wearing a nice suit and tie, and he's white as snow! Nigra 2: "Look at you, you's white as hell, brutha! How about that penny so I can be white too?" Former Nigra 1 looks at him blankly: "get a job, spook," and walks away.
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  #330  
Old 05-05-2013, 05:55 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

A Catholic priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar...and he orders a drink.
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  #331  
Old 05-05-2013, 08:39 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

One more quick one:

Q: What do you get when you cross a homo Eskimo with a negro?

A: A snowblower that doesn't work.
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2 Samuel 11:13 And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.
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  #332  
Old 06-01-2013, 09:34 PM
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

What's the difference between Lance Armstrong and Hitler?

Lance knows how to finish a race.




My barber told me that one.
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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  #333  
Old 06-07-2013, 08:51 PM
IHateJesu5 (Quarantined) IHateJesu5 is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

I'm sorry friends, but isn't this a little rude?

Women are our equals, they were made by God just as we were and they have done many AMAZING things for our world.

We should treat them a little better I believe.

and these jokes aren't really funny at all, brothers.
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  #334  
Old 06-07-2013, 09:15 PM
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Angry Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by ILoveJesu5 View Post
I'm sorry friends, but isn't this a little rude?

Women are our equals, they were made by God just as we were and they have done many AMAZING things for our world.

We should treat them a little better I believe.

and these jokes aren't really funny at all, brothers.
Not funny friend.
Furhtermore, the female is not mans 'equal' (unless that is the punch line )
Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
(Women were created to assist men.)

Genesis 3:16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Exodus 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.
(Women are property. Less valuable than a house but more valuable than slaves and livestock.)

Matthew 18:25 But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.
(Jesus considers women (and children) to be property that can be sold.)
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Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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  #335  
Old 06-08-2013, 04:56 AM
WashedWithHisBlood WashedWithHisBlood is offline
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WashedWithHisBlood is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.WashedWithHisBlood is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by IHateJesu5 View Post
I'm sorry friends, but isn't this a little rude?

Women are our equals, they were made by God just as we were and they have done many AMAZING things for our world.

We should treat them a little better I believe.

and these jokes aren't really funny at all, brothers.
You're telling us that it is rude to denigrate woman, but it is not rude to have a profile name which says I hate Jesus????

Well here is a joke for you, you filthy sinner you.

Whats the difference between a female and a bucket of turd?

The bucket, lol.
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  #336  
Old 06-09-2013, 02:40 AM
ToysInTheAttic (Quarantined) ToysInTheAttic is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
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  #337  
Old 06-10-2013, 11:09 AM
Paragon of virtue's Avatar
Paragon of virtue Paragon of virtue is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Another long one making the rounds on the God forsaken social media circuit, but I laughed silently in spite of myself


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do
know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the
electric chair.
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  #338  
Old 06-21-2013, 04:51 PM
Pastor Ezekiel's Avatar
Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

A buck nigra takes a white girl home from a club.

She says, "Show me if it's true what they say about black men".

So he stabs her & takes her purse...
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #339  
Old 07-01-2013, 09:58 AM
Kriid Do Vokul's Avatar
Kriid Do Vokul Kriid Do Vokul is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

How many women does it take to change the light bulb in the kitchen?
Who cares, let the b*tch cook in the dark.
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  #340  
Old 07-01-2013, 10:17 AM
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Dr Laurence Niles Dr Laurence Niles is offline
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Default Re: Manly Jokes

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kriid Do Vokul View Post
How many women does it take to change the light bulb in the kitchen?
Who cares, let the b*tch cook in the dark.
How does that make any sense? D you want her to burn the house down and kill the little ones?

If you arn't man enough to fix a darn lightbulb you must be some kind of sissy boy.

YIC
__________________
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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