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Default Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-25-2015, 02:29 AM

Brothers and sisters, have I got some wonderful news for you. Wonderful news.

As you know, I have been toiling lo these many years in the heathen lands of the yellow-skinned, slanty-eyed buck-toothed japs. Despite my best efforts, I have made precious little impact on their degenerate, godless ways.

Well Brothers, I am here to tell you about the opportunity of a lifetime that Jesus has just dropped in my lap.


Over the past year, I have been spending time greasing the wheels to get us into a land previously barred to all Christians. I have worked tirelessly, despite being in dire need of a new airplane, and have finally had a breakthrough.

Get this: I have convinced Kim Jong Un, leader of Korea, to allow Landover Baptist to own the exclusive rights to preach True Christianity™ in his beautiful kingdom. I believe that we may be on the verge of establishing the very first True Christian™ country in the world!

Kim Jong Un is actually a very nice guy for a dictator, and it turns out that he isn't all that dead set on forcing communist rules on his people. He's open to switching over to God's rules! Can someone shout Glory!?

There are still plenty of details to work out. I wish I knew what happened to my secretary Miss Cookie. I will need my True Christian™ logistics team to kick it into gear, and I NEED THAT PLANE in order to get this done! Jesus wants a country of His own, and this could be our best chance to give Him that. Imagine how He'll reward me!

I expect this mission trip to go off flawlessly. There can be no room for errors, like we experienced when we attempted to take over Australia. Look sharp, True Christians™. Report your progress here.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Jesus Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-25-2015, 05:53 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post

GLORY!



This is amazing and wonderful. There a millions of souls to be won over to Jesus. And the omens are exceptionally good.

1. Our beloved Pastor Flint is the one man who is respected by world leaders regardless of their political orientation. It is not the simplest thing to gain the trust of Mr. Un but our Pastor delivered, again!

Acts 10:42
And he commanded us to preach unto the people, and to testify that it is he which was ordained of God to be the Judge of quick and dead.


2. The North Choreans know what hunger is. It is an easy task to explain them that the hunger of the stomach only leads to gluttony but the hunger for the Word of God can lead to the exquisite satiety of partaking in the Heavenly Banquet. While actual food can sometimes be somewhat important, it is nothing compared to the nourishing touch of the Gospel!

John 6:48
I am that bread of life.


3. To become a True Christian™ requires discipline. The North Koreans KNOW discipline and that the punishment for insubordination is death. It is a simple task to teach them that the "death" is the eternal agony in Hell. And with the slight financial and economic troubles in that country, they are probably most inclined to believe in the concept of Hell, anyway.

Matthew 13:50
And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth.


In addition, the political system of North Chorea is based on obedience, acceptance of orders, and prohibition of sodomy.



Quote:
It has been reported that North Korea executed homosexuals, believing that they are influenced by capitalism.
“The North government publicly executed two lesbians for being tinged with capitalism not for demoralization,”
4. The North Koreans are actually Christians in disguise.



They have some heretical ideas about the prophetic status of the Kim family but with minor adjustments they can be helped to see the actual light! There are some very promising texts published in the country!

Quote:
“People of the world, if you are looking for miracles, come to Korea!” it went on. “Christians, do not go to Jerusalem. Come rather to Korea!
Kim Il Sung, the son of pious Christians, was a great admirer of the Eastern Learning school... Before his sacred birth, a double rainbow was seen, and the sky was lit up by a shining star.
5. Based on the humility of the populace towards commandments, our Pastor can easily recruit millions of souls to Jesus. Earlier today, I myself wrote a letter to Mr. Un asking him to accept my help to design a science curriculum based on Creation Science and the Bible. I'm expecting a reply any moment!

I'm quite sure that with the Second coming, we'll see Jesus riding His horse in an erect posture to smite the sinners of His Creation.



Furthermore, I'm also positive that Mr. Kim and his dynasty will be among those riding with Jesus to cast the sinners into the molten lake of brimstone!



Zechariah 10:5
And they shall be as mighty men, which tread down their enemies in the mire of the streets in the battle: and they shall fight, because the LORD is with them, and the riders on horses shall be confounded.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer


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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-25-2015, 11:08 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Brothers and sisters, have I got some wonderful news for you. Wonderful news.

I expect this mission trip to go off flawlessly. There can be no room for errors, like we experienced when we attempted to take over Australia. Look sharp, True Christians™. Report your progress here.
Hello Pastor Ezekiel,

Do you really trust this guy called Kim? Are you sure he is not trying to lure you with promises only to offer you a job? Rumours are that his labour force at Yodok is dwindling due to somewhat less than perfect working conditions, and that Kim prefers Christians for the available positions. Job security is excellent, you will never (be able to) loose your job but I doubt it is where you want to be for the rest of your career.


Jeremiah 6:21 Therefore thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will lay stumblingblocks before this people, and the fathers and the sons together shall fall upon them; the neighbour and his friend shall perish.
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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-25-2015, 12:27 PM

I believe that a preliminary bombardment would likely assist in bringing these Chinamen to Jesus. They are as stiff necked as the Jews and I suspect they are seeking foreign aid, more than Jesus.


Sadly, the godless Federal Government's trampling of our rights to keep and bear arms has resulted in a shortage of both appropriate artillery and ammunition. I understand that the Ukrainians are offering a few older model atomic bombs at a discount for cash. They would likely prove efficacious, but there are rumors that some of the parts have been removed due to treachery. Perhaps an arson campaign could produce similar results, albeit at a slower pace.


God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11
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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-25-2015, 01:49 PM

I see so much potential for Pastor Zeke's new Airbus here.

Imagine how pleased Chairman Kim would be to join Pastor Zeke in his Airbus cigar room with a little brandy and playing poker. This plane could same the entire country of North Korea.

God Bless you, Pastor Zeke.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-27-2015, 12:30 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Brothers and sisters, have I got some wonderful news for you. Wonderful news.

As you know, I have been toiling lo these many years in the heathen lands of the yellow-skinned, slanty-eyed buck-toothed japs. Despite my best efforts, I have made precious little impact on their degenerate, godless ways.

Well Brothers, I am here to tell you about the opportunity of a lifetime that Jesus has just dropped in my lap.


Over the past year, I have been spending time greasing the wheels to get us into a land previously barred to all Christians. I have worked tirelessly, despite being in dire need of a new airplane, and have finally had a breakthrough.

Get this: I have convinced Kim Jong Un, leader of Korea, to allow Landover Baptist to own the exclusive rights to preach True Christianity™ in his beautiful kingdom. I believe that we may be on the verge of establishing the very first True Christian™ country in the world!

Kim Jong Un is actually a very nice guy for a dictator, and it turns out that he isn't all that dead set on forcing communist rules on his people. He's open to switching over to God's rules! Can someone shout Glory!?

There are still plenty of details to work out. I wish I knew what happened to my secretary Miss Cookie. I will need my True Christian™ logistics team to kick it into gear, and I NEED THAT PLANE in order to get this done! Jesus wants a country of His own, and this could be our best chance to give Him that. Imagine how He'll reward me!

I expect this mission trip to go off flawlessly. There can be no room for errors, like we experienced when we attempted to take over Australia. Look sharp, True Christians™. Report your progress here.
Photoshopped


Ecclesiastes 4:5 The fool foldeth his hands together, and eateth his own flesh.
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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-27-2015, 01:37 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by FroYoInfo View Post
Photoshopped
I don't think so, pig. You can tell by the glint of the flash bulb in Pastor Zeke's and Un's eyes that they are reflecting a common light source, proving without a doubt that the photo is genuine. Get a life, retard.


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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-27-2015, 02:37 AM

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Originally Posted by FroYoInfo View Post
Photoshopped
Neither Pastor Zeke nor his friend, Kim, will allow images of themselves to appear anywhere that are photoshopped. Didn't happen.

It's actually a sin to make an accusation like that.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-27-2015, 07:49 AM

This may go down in the history books as one of the great triumphs of modern diplomacy - much like Richard Nixon's trip to China. Converting North Korea from Juche socialism to Juche Jesus is something Obama will never be able to accomplish (maybe Juche Islam). Opening the country to trade and investment will be a boon to their economy - and I'm sure Freemarket Fred is waiting in the wings to turn their prison camps into profitable enterprises.


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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-27-2015, 11:33 AM

I believe Un will make a fine ex-chink. We must get him enrolled in the program right away.


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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 05-27-2015, 08:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
I wish I knew what happened to my secretary Miss Cookie.

Pastor Zeke, I have prayed and prayed that dear, dear Miss Cookie would be able to work through her troubles, and I feel certain she is moving slowly along the right path.

But the feminine mind can be such a vexatious, confused thing, even under the best of circumstances. Especially when a woman has been known to have a drink.

So, if dear, dear Miss Cookie should happen to turn up any time soon, I would caution you not to give too much thought to any kinds of crazy stories she might happen to tell. The poor girl will surely need a lot of time before she is in her right mind again.


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Love Jesus Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 06-21-2015, 03:11 AM

GLORY!



Our Beloved Pastor Ezekiel's mission is already paying off BIG TIME. In collaboration with the Creation Science Department of Landover Baptist Church Mr. Un has invented a totally new and 100% effective treatment against AIDS, Ebola, Mers and cancers. As we - and now also Mr. Un due to Pastor Ezekiel's magnificent efforts - know that these alleged diseases are actually caused by Satanic demonism, it was an easy task to design a condensed form of prayer-related materials to be administered to suffering sinners. Combined with efficient spreading of the Gospel, dozens of repulsive sodomists have now received Jesus and are ready for the Rapture. The treatment is also available online and with a nominal fee to be donated to the Zeke Jet Charity, a sinner can now be cured. Also particular True Christians™ who need to stay on Earth longer than expected bacause of heavy missionary positions in various parts of the world can use this miracle cure.

Jeremiah 33:6
Behold, I will bring it health and cure, and I will cure them, and will reveal unto them the abundance of peace and truth.

This drug called Kumdang-2 (Pastor Ezekiel designed the name and the campaign) is easy to use:
Quote:
...simply on the first day, apply 1-2 ampoules; and from the second day, depending on the patient’s response, increase every day its each-time dose by one ampoule, getting them 1-2 times daily, with an interval of 1-2 days on every fifth day; after about 10 days (including the days of interval) get 7-8 ampoules each time, 2-3 times daily, for 2-3 days; then suspend the injection; and later depending on the developments of cure, resume the injection. This method is oriented from the mechanism of applying a “heavy strike” upon the disease after the patient’s body is acclimatized to this injection In cases of emergency, by injecting it every 4-6 hours, 5-8 ampoules each time we could save many dying patients. If the patients with no critical severity got from the first day as many as 6-8 ampoules each time, they might experience overburden at the heart, indigestion and other heavy healing responses, while getting little effects on the treatment.
Quote:
Kumdang-2 Injection is a herbal medicine extracted from Kaesong Koryo insam (ginseng) cultivated in Kaesong DPR Korea by applying rare-earth molecular fertilizer. It contains insam saccharides, light rare earth elements, a micro-quantities of gold and platinum.


This is the only cure, as it is blessed by our Pastor and Jesus. Nothing else is effective!

Jeremiah 46:11
Go up into Gilead, and take balm, O virgin, the daughter of Egypt: in vain shalt thou use many medicines; for thou shalt not be cured.

Mr. Un also visited the LBC Creation Science Laboratories. Here we can see him participating in these intricate experiments. I am certain that together with our Pastor and Mr. Un, Jesus will save quite a few sinners from the unpleasantries of Hellfire before the Rapture!






Yours in Christ,

Elmer


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Jesus Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 06-22-2015, 11:02 PM

I heard that when Mr. Kim Jung Un found out he was going to get to spend time with Pastor Zeke in person, he was so happy he danced a little jig!





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Love Jesus Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 06-23-2015, 01:31 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson View Post
I heard that when Mr. Kim Jung Un found out he was going to get to spend time with Pastor Zeke in person, he was happy he danced a little jig!

That nip really knows how to cut the rug! I'm impressed!

Psalm 30:11
Quote:
Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness


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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 08-12-2015, 05:51 PM

I see that Mr Un has been having a bit of a cleanup in anticipation of Pastor Zeke's next visit, getting rid of undesirables like his vice-president, Mr Chow Yong-gon.

And before some woolly-headed lieberal comes on here complaining, I would like to point out that the timely disposal of Mr Long-Gone is entirely sanctioned by Romans 13:1-2.

Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.
Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.

Mr Un is the ruler and what he says goes. So, heathens, put that in your crack pipes and smoke it!

The defense minister is gone too, and good riddance!

Quote:
In May, the agency said North Korean Defence Minister Hyon Yong-chol was reportedly executed by anti-aircraft fire for apparently showing disloyalty to the leader.
Now that shows Mr Un to be a man with a sense of humor - anti-aircraft fire is such an ironic end for a defense minister.

I for one look forward to calling Mr Un "Brother Kim" very soon indeed.


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In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array
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Default Re: Announcing The Landover Baptist Church Mission to Korea - 08-12-2015, 06:16 PM

Praise God and get the State Department on the phone! Pastor Flint has made more diplomatic progress with the Kim family than half a century of secular politicking.


Sign me up. I know a trifling bit of the Korean tongue due to a heathen exchange program my church had with another independent Baptist church on the southern end of that godless peninsula. We sent a sinner to them and they sent one to us. The heathen found our methods... unorthodox, but they went back to Korea completely changed. And speaking the Lord's American to boot.


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