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Old 04-03-2011, 03:00 PM
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Wink God likes a good fart!

Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

In today's society, where godless medical scientists are in charge instead of God-fearing True Christians™, there is a great social taboo on the act of audibly cleaning your bowels of residual gases.

As we all know, it is mostly womanfolk that object against the manly act of farting, apparently because they are jealous of the impressive thundering sounds we occasionally bring forth, to which the feeble emissions the inferior sex produces stand in shrill contrast.

Of course, the LORD, being a very Manly God, has no problems with farting. In fact, even our greatest farts pale in comparison to the Epic Bowel Symphonies of the Almighty:

Isaiah 16:11:
Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.

Have you ever tried to imitate a harp by farting? I myself do not even manage to imitate a trumpet, which is one of the easier instruments! Truly, the LORD deserves our Praise!

Another Verse which glorifies the sound of God's bowels:

Isaiah 63:15:
Look down from heaven, and behold from the habitation of thy holiness and of thy glory: where is thy zeal and thy strength, the sounding of thy bowels and of thy mercies toward me? are they restrained?

Clearly, Isaiah, a Man of God, who conversed regularly with the Almighty, misses four things when God withdraws Himself from him: God's Zeal, God's Strength, God's Mercies and God's Farts.
Clearly, His Farts give inspiration, hope and rejoicing to those lucky people who hear them.

As True Christians™, we should imitate the LORD in every way. It seems that the earliest True Christian™ communities kept true to this Commandment. Like God pleases us with His Farts, the early Christians had no problems either with an occasional, smelly, manly fart. Paul testifies:

Philemon 1:7:
For we have great joy and consolation in thy love, because the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee, brother.

Not only was farting a normal communal activity among early Christians, they realized that they glorified the LORD that way:

Philemon 1:20
Yea, brother, let me have joy of thee in the Lord: refresh my bowels in the Lord.

We must not forget, after all, that farting is just another way of glorifying God with our bodies, as He commanded us to do:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20:
What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

So, friends, next time one of those feminazis at work gets uppity and whiny when you produce a fart during a business meeting, explain to her that we do this to praise the LORD, and that farting is a Biblically correct way of expressing our joy over the Wondrous Acts of the Lord in our lives. What right does she have to restrict you in exercizing your Religion?

Yours in Christ,

True Disciple
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Please, treat their children as you treated those of Egypt, when they upset you! (Psalm 135:8-9)
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Amen.


Last edited by True Disciple; 04-03-2011 at 04:19 PM.
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:14 PM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

My wife is very understanding of my high devotion towards following the Holy Book to the word, and therefore she promised to start making me beans with peas more often.

I have to start practicing on getting my "harp" into tune

Thanks for this, yet another, very informative post Brother!

YiC
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Old 04-03-2011, 06:55 PM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Brother, your Godly understanding of the Bible is impressive, even amongst True Christians™!

I have a question, though, that maybe you'd be able to help me with. All of those verses you've brought up only refer to males refreshing their bowels. Would it be acceptable for a woman to let out a feminine toot once in a while, or do you think this would be considered a usurpation of a masculine activity by a weaker vessel?
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Old 04-03-2011, 07:30 PM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant View Post
Brother, your Godly understanding of the Bible is impressive, even amongst True Christians™!

I have a question, though, that maybe you'd be able to help me with. All of those verses you've brought up only refer to males refreshing their bowels. Would it be acceptable for a woman to let out a feminine toot once in a while, or do you think this would be considered a usurpation of a masculine activity by a weaker vessel?
Don't worry, there is nothing wrong with a woman refreshing her bowels once in a while, as it only makes our farts sound the more impressive when they can be contrasted with "feminine toots," as you so aptly call them.
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Sweet Lord Jesus,
I want to pray for those who persecute me, my Lord.
Please, treat their children as you treated those of Egypt, when they upset you! (Psalm 135:8-9)
Dash their little children against the stones for their fathers iniquity! (Psalm 137:8-9)
Hit them on the cheek, and smash out their teeth! (Psalm 3:7)
Make their death and descent into Hell swift and terrible! (Psalm 55:15)
Scatter their broken bodies over the streets of their evil cities, like Benghazi, Amsterdam, Tokyo and Mecca! (Psalm 110:6)
Praised be Your Glorious Name™.

Amen.

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Old 04-03-2011, 07:38 PM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Sister Lycia, it is a Biblical expression of desire for a woman to pass wind:

Song of Solomon 5:4

4My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.

Of course, that could be reference to more than wind.
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Old 04-08-2011, 07:58 PM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Brother James Hutchins told me that the late Mrs. Hutchins was only allowed to "pass" while in her prayer closet.

He said the one time she didn't follow that rule was the day she fell down the well. Truly a tragic coincidence.
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Old 04-09-2011, 07:16 AM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Isaiah 16:11:
Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.


When Moab is used in this particular context in the Bible most people think it refers to a mountainous strip of land in Jordan. In actual fact it is more likely an acronym for Massive Ordinance Air Blast.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7tG7keSe-0
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Old 04-10-2011, 02:01 PM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

I just love the idea of God's farts killing Muslems when you Yanks get round to dropping these things on Iran.
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:09 PM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

I must thank you True Disciple for this fine research into the scripture! If I had known this before it would have saved me countless times of trying to hold back breaking wind when I could have been creating clouds of vapour for the greater glory of God!

Psalm 135:7
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Old 04-23-2011, 09:00 AM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Praising the LORD with one's bowels is all well and good, but forget not that the LORD will also wrack your bowels with sickness until they fall out...

2 Chronicles 21:15, 21:18-19 -- "And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out by reason of the sickness day by day...And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. And it came to pass, that in process of time, after the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases."

Is there a modern medical term for what is being described here? Like homo butt disease or something?
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Old 04-23-2011, 09:43 AM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Q View Post
Is there a modern medical term for what is being described here?
Yes.

some case studies
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Old 04-23-2011, 08:30 PM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
Rectal prolapse hardly sounds like a life-threatening condition; in fact, one of the elderly members in my former congregation had surgery for just that, and why would the LORD GOD have stricken one of my most pious members (indeed, his Christian name was "Pious") with the same condition inflicted upon that infidel Jehoram? One might conclude that Western medicine has no term for this because there are no documented cases. It's certainly not hemorrhoids, for I myself have suffered those wretched things, but in retrospect I deserved my discomfort because of some dietary indiscretions (I ate unclean flesh while under the influence whilst celebrating a relative's holy matrimony).

I frequently hear doctors say we need more fiber and regular checkups by gay butt doctors who use modern devices of sodomy (with cameras attached to them, no doubt so they can pleasure themselves to the footage afterwards ) to prevent such butt problems, but whenever you find yourself coming down with the grapes of GOD'S wrath, remember Lamentations 1:20 -- "Behold, O LORD; for I am in distress: my bowels are troubled; mine heart is turned within me; for I have grievously rebelled."

If, however, your rectal pains are due to receiving the stiffened member of the same sex or an artificial phallic device, you will need more than a Bible verse...
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Old 04-24-2011, 12:50 AM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Q View Post
hardly sounds like a life-threatening condition
it is if you prefix the word "total"
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Old 03-24-2014, 01:57 PM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

I have always felt that contrary to medical science, that the happy little (and big) noises that emerge from our bottoms are purely designed for the purpose of amusement. Both God's and ours. I am a bible scholar, having graduated from Prairie Bible Institute in 1984. I believe that a daily intake of Scripture is vital to our spiritual vitality, and have approached different ways of doing this. I have read the word, systematically, chronologically, and topically, but this time round I am playing a game of biblical roulette. Each day, i open the word randomly, and ask God to speak to me. This morning i happened upon Isaiah 16, and read it a couple of times without feeling any inspiration whatsoever, except for a little chuckle at verse 11. So off i went to the internet to search for commentaries on this chapter. To my shear delight i came across your post about Divine Flatulence, and i was so blessed by it. Thank you so much. I am so overwhelmed by the goodness and amazingness of God, and His lovely word, and His wonderful sense of humor. Thank you so much for sharing. May God richly bless you as you endeavor to remain in the center of His will. Sincerely, Heather.
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Old 03-25-2014, 12:08 AM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fart Reader View Post
Quote:
The introduction forum Attention Unsaved Trash: This the ONLY subforum you can start threads in. Here is where you introduce yourself. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus.
The opportunity referred to when you registered for introducing yourself is available by clicking the "New Thread" button in that link.

We will be able to welcome you more fully when you have complied with the requirement.
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Old 03-28-2014, 08:42 AM
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Default Re: God likes a good fart!

will the Lord welcome me as well ma'am?
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Old 03-28-2014, 09:16 AM
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Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: God likes a good fart!

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Originally Posted by smartwhiteguy View Post
will the Lord welcome me as well ma'am?
Try it. Post an introduction.
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