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Old 12-10-2007, 04:19 AM
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Default What are the best toys?

This started as a reply to Toys God Hates but I went into a bit of a rant and started on a whole new subject: let's talk about good toys, the type Jesus approves of.

Anyway, I started writing this when I discovered that unsaved trash seem to have infilitrated into LBC Sunday School. My daughter related to me the story of a child who undressed dolls and action figures, which is worrysome by itself, but the child also commented on the lack of anatomy possessed by said dolls and action figures. It's clear this child must have recieved some form of sex education from some source. Someone must have failed to leash their child, and allowed their child to wander into a public school or library. Total lack of discipline. Remember people, when you give your child the belt, you have to use the metal part!

But my story gets worse. Before you read on, I urge you to clear the room of any children, women, people with heart problems and unsaved persons).

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This deviant hellspawn not only undressed the dolls, but also must have pretended to make them, shall we say, interact. I know this because my child recreated the scene in my own home, to my urging. My child did not come up with such degenerate ideas, all channels on the TV other than Fox News are blocked out and I can assure you the only books I have in my house are my ten copies of the Bible, my Soldier of Fortune Magazines, and my Ken Starr Report.

A while ago we had a national campaign to boycott the makers of undressable dolls and action figures, whatever happened to that?

It's unbelievable that the government doesn't do something about this epidemic. I mean, go figure, big brother is so powerful the government can regulate everything about toys (as an enterpreneur I have a long list of horror stories) yet they won't lift a finger to protect America's Children from the scourge of undressable dolls. I mean, I can understand that any child that undresses a doll is probably already destined for hell, and probably were headed irridemably to hell since they were fetuses (in fact, half of all conceptions are killed by God because they are already irredemable sinners at that age), but what if a child accidentally disrobed one? Why, I used to play "Napalm the Vietnamese" with a match and my mother's hairspray, what if I accidentally burned the clothes off one, just like that napalmed kid in that hilarious video they used to show on the news?

I never accidentally undressed any of my sisters dolls (my mother stapled the clothes down very well), of course, because if it did I would have been scarred for life and should have been put out of my misery.

THIS, not airports (allowing guns on planes would clean up that nonsense overnight) not tobacco, or guns and so on and so on is what the government should be regulating.

By the way, when I grew up the first thing I did was make a business selling "Napalm the Vietnamese" sets and the big government banned them. A bunch of libs get all huffy and started claiming that they were a "fire hazard" or something. Nonsense. I played that game and I never set myself on fire.

I tried to design playgrounds to go in fast food restaurants. A bunch of socialists started whining about wah wah wah protuding nails, wah wah wah my kid caught tetnus, well if you have lockjaw why are you still whining, huh? I mean, some kid gets the snuffles and they want to send you to the gillotine.

I tried to make Vlad the Impaler toys (just add chipmunks!) but the government claimed that kids might hurt their eyes with the spikes. I mean, Jesus HIMSELF said you're better off without eyes, because eyes just cause you to commit adultry in your heart. I did those playtester kids a FAVOR. (*I went off on a tangent at this point. It's at the bottom of the post)

So go figure, the omnipotent government has this much totalitarian control over law abiding Christians, yet will it lift a finger to save our children from the epidemic of undressable dolls?

I have come up with a solution: first, we must eliminate dolls, action figures (except for their wonderful little guns) and such toys from sunday school. In fact, because the devil is endlessly creative and can always surprise us with new evils, we should stick with the one toy I have seen playtested over and over with no ill effects.

I'm talking about the English Toys Cherries Frieze Noah's Ark which can be purchased here:



This toy should be considered a badge of entry. We could hire a bully to act as a "bouncer" to keep dolls out, and ensure that every child that enters has remembered to bring an English Toys Cherries Frieze Noah's Ark.

This scale model is accurate down to every detail, every animal God ever created is included in the set: "Animals: Crocodiles, horses, cow & bull, giraffes, dromedaries, polar bears, lion & lioness, hippos, elephants, ducks, seals and Mr & Mrs Noah."

I don't know if they are fireproof, so when my child wants to recreate the burned offerings Noah made after leaving the ark, I just give her an old goldfish or mouse from a mousetrap. God is pleased by the scent of burning meat, it doesn't matter what in particular it comes from.

It's only about $4000 at current exchange rates and anyone who can't spend that on a toy either needs to learn about enterprise and hard work, or pray more so they can find out why God hates them.

UPDATE:

It turns out that the board game "RISK" is a serperb geo-political strategy simulator, so realistic that the Bush administration uses it to make decisions. From "Air Force One: A History of the Presidents and Their Planes" by Kenneth T. Walsh:
Another innovation is Bush's interest in the board game Risk, in which players amass armies and try to conquer the world. En route home from Europe in July 2001, Bush supervised a particularly competitive game. The president encouraged each participant to take the biggest risks possible and to attack each other mercilessly. At one point, he goaded his military aide, supposedly an expert on military maneuvers and strategy, to take some chances. When he did so and found his armies annihilated, Bush teased the aide for being the first to lose...the commander in chief yelled "You're a wimp! Go get 'em."


*The Vlad tangent:

One of my big heros during childhood was a great defender of Christianity, Vlad the Impaler. Although he's a national hero in Romania, not enough children in America have heard about him (thanks a lot public education).

Anyway, good ol' Vlad had perfected the art of the war on poverty long before that socialist Lyndon B Johnson stole the term. He invited all the poor of his kingdom to a feast at an old palace of his. Once they were inside, stuffing their gluttonous faces, he locked the doors and set the place on fire. So, instead of having to use taxpayers money to feed greedy freeloaders, he could spend public money on what it was intended for: killing Muslims. One time he stopped an invading Turkish army with a solid wall of impaled people, tens of thousands of them. His impalers were so skilled they could have the greased spike poke out around the neck of the sinner while they were still alive. That's a very difficult feat, as I learned while experimenting on the neibourhood chipmunks, which brings me back to those childhood memories I was talking about.

Of course, just like George Bush I also enjoyed the ol" firecracker in the bullfrog's mouth gag. Really funny when you combine it with the old "frog in the back of a girl's pants" gag. I mean, it was really hard to run away when you kept having to fall over laughing. Good times.
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Old 12-10-2007, 08:49 AM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

For the boys, how about a 'kill the mooslems' actions set? I still recommend the EZ Bake Oven for the girls, to prepare them for their adult life cooking & being subserviant to their husbands. Toy shoeshine kits & domestic servant dolls would be fine gifts for the nigra children, too...
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Old 12-13-2007, 03:59 PM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

Nothing beats a rifle, for boys or girls.
Now if they're teenagers, a shotgun for the boy and a pistol for the girl.
Caution - if you're filling up their stockings with ammo, make darn sure them stockings are nailed good and proper to the wall; Especially next to the fireplace! It's kinda like that old time tradition of popping corn in the hearth, 'cept you gotta duck behind the sofa.
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Old 12-13-2007, 04:03 PM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chezund Rice View Post
Nothing beats a rifle, for boys or girls.
Now if they're teenagers, a shotgun for the boy and a pistol for the girl.
Caution - if you're filling up their stockings with ammo, make darn sure them stockings are nailed good and proper to the wall; Especially next to the fireplace! It's kinda like that old time tradition of popping corn in the hearth, 'cept you gotta duck behind the sofa.
Amen Brother. A gift even HE would love!
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Old 12-13-2007, 08:03 PM
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Default Re: Beaner alert!!

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Originally Posted by Nobar King View Post
I hope you're not some beaner trying to infiltrate god's favorite forum.
White Rice, sir!
Don't go for no brown Rice.
We shoot at stray cans in our yard, Mexi & Afri cans.
Ain't no Catholick beaner neither, I'm a hymn signing Methodist.
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Old 12-25-2007, 12:13 AM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

Well, the Left Behind video game Eternal Forces is a good starter. It will teach the kids how to battle the Antichrist. Of course, you'll want to accompany that with a good 12-gauge pump-action shotgun.



http://www.eternalforces.com/

It's great that there is such a wonderful, education game for children. Kids get to kill terrorists, convert Muslims, and stalk abortion clinic doctors. It gives me a warm glow.

YIC,
Buford
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Old 06-27-2008, 10:13 AM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

A Jesus light switch? Sounds like a good idea, but (at this point women and children should leave the room)
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Old 06-27-2008, 06:41 PM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

The positioning of that light switch leaves me a little uneasy - especially when it's in the "up" position.

YIC,
Buford
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Old 06-27-2008, 06:52 PM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

I think I saw that light switch in a Romanist convent when were looking for a location for the Landover Baptist Hell House.
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Old 06-28-2008, 12:38 AM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

When I was a kid I always wanted the board game 'Operation' -

Attachment 5505

However, my parents were too broke to afford it, and bought me a cat instead. -

Attachment 5506

It wasn't quite as good as the real thing, as it only lasted a few weeks, before it started stinking the place out.

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Old 01-14-2009, 11:50 PM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

It turns out that the board game "RISK" is a superb geo-political strategy simulator, so realistic that the Bush administration uses it to make decisions. From "Air Force One: A History of the Presidents and Their Planes" by Kenneth T. Walsh:
Another innovation is Bush's interest in the board game Risk, in which players amass armies and try to conquer the world. En route home from Europe in July 2001, Bush supervised a particularly competitive game. The president encouraged each participant to take the biggest risks possible and to attack each other mercilessly. At one point, he goaded his military aide, supposedly an expert on military maneuvers and strategy, to take some chances. When he did so and found his armies annihilated, Bush teased the aide for being the first to lose...the commander in chief yelled "You're a wimp! Go get 'em."


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Old 01-15-2009, 01:01 AM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

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Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
It turns out that the board game "RISK" is a serperb geo-political strategy simulator, so realistic that the Bush administration uses it to make decisions. From "Air Force One: A History of the Presidents and Their Planes" by Kenneth T. Walsh:
Another innovation is Bush's interest in the board game Risk, in which players amass armies and try to conquer the world. En route home from Europe in July 2001, Bush supervised a particularly competitive game. The president encouraged each participant to take the biggest risks possible and to attack each other mercilessly. At one point, he goaded his military aide, supposedly an expert on military maneuvers and strategy, to take some chances. When he did so and found his armies annihilated, Bush teased the aide for being the first to lose...the commander in chief yelled "You're a wimp! Go get 'em."
Risk is fine for introverted intellectual types like Bush, but a better geopolitical strategy simulator for the Sarah Palin Century™ would be Hungry Hungry Hippos - with the hippos representing nations and the marbles representing the world's limited natural resources of oil, fresh water, and so on.

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  #13  
Old 01-15-2009, 01:05 AM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

Firearms. For either gender of any age. Toddlers can start off with Airsoft guns and work up to .22 rifles and pistols by age five.
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  #14  
Old 01-15-2009, 02:32 AM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

Sometimes the best toys are the ones that kids make themselves. Take the sling, for example. It's just a strip of leather, but with it, children can throw stones at their favorite target and relive the battle of David and Goliath. They can have contests for accuracy or consistency!
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  #15  
Old 01-15-2009, 04:24 AM
Billy Ram Billy Ram is offline
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

I think toys are to worldly. My liberal christian parents allowed me to play with Star Wars action figures and this surely sent me down a New Agey path to hell as a lad.I say better safe then sorry.
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  #16  
Old 01-29-2014, 02:18 PM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

So Luke's birthday is approaching and I have been at a loss as to what to get him - until now. Brothers, I have the perfect gift for your sons Patriotic and True Christian™.
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  #17  
Old 01-29-2014, 02:19 PM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

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Originally Posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
I used to play "Napalm the Vietnamese" with a match and my mother's hairspray, what if I accidentally burned the clothes off one, just like that napalmed kid in that hilarious video they used to show on the news?
Hey, it turns out EVERYTHING is on youtube! Now a whole new generation will get to enjoy the hilarity. Round up your kids and now the whole family can watch some uppity foreigners say "sianara" to their skin:

"Me so burnie!"
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  #18  
Old 01-29-2014, 08:42 PM
see_the_light see_the_light is offline
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

I know what every christian child should get!

New 9mm RIP Ammo (G2 Research)


They call it the R.I.P. round and with good reason. G2 Research has released a new ammo that is taking the market by storm and has gun owners all over the country trying to find where to pick some up.

As of now, the company is only releasing specifications for their 9mm round and they go a lil’ something like this:

* 16″ Penetration
* Up to 6″ diameter spread
* 96 gr projectile
* 2″ grouping at 25 yrds
* 1265 FPS / 490 Muzzle Energy
* 9 Separate Wound Channels
* Precision Machined
* Solid Copper / Lead Free
* Defeats all known barriers such as sheet metal, sheet rock, windshields, plywood, heavy winter clothing


It's the perfect homer-stopper for a (otherwise) defenseless child.


http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=f6b4ec067cfc

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  #19  
Old 01-30-2014, 05:59 AM
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

Matthew 18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shalth not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 4Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven .

And so the Lord said.

Women are funny little things aren't they? My wife still plays with her old toys even at the age of 45. Only yesterday I overheard her talking to her friend about her toy rabbit and she thanked God that she had it and she just couldn't see how she could get through without it. She said it gave her 'What Jack never could'. Some childish need I suppose. I must confess that I have never seen the fluffy little creature.

To be honest I'm surprised she finds the time to play with it. She seems to spend half her life these days locked in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush. It's becoming an obsession with her. She is British so maybe she is just keen to keep he what remains of her teeth. Well, if it keeps her happy.

YIC

Jack
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  #20  
Old 01-30-2014, 10:34 PM
see_the_light see_the_light is offline
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Default Re: What are the best toys?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jack O'fagan View Post
Matthew 18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shalth not enter into the kingdom of heaven. 4Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven .

And so the Lord said.

Women are funny little things aren't they? My wife still plays with her old toys even at the age of 45. Only yesterday I overheard her talking to her friend about her toy rabbit and she thanked God that she had it and she just couldn't see how she could get through without it. She said it gave her 'What Jack never could'. Some childish need I suppose. I must confess that I have never seen the fluffy little creature.

To be honest I'm surprised she finds the time to play with it. She seems to spend half her life these days locked in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush. It's becoming an obsession with her. She is British so maybe she is just keen to keep he what remains of her teeth. Well, if it keeps her happy.

YIC

Jack
Women are hysterical...

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