The Landover Baptist Church
Like us or burn

Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Church Forums > PRAYER REQUESTS

PRAYER REQUESTS Please check regularly

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-17-2011, 04:19 AM
Born Again Bob's Avatar
Born Again Bob Born Again Bob is offline
That Heavenly Ham
 

True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class True Christian™ Eunuch. Persecuted Porn Resistant Super Soaker Baptism Award Punched the most queers Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Heterosexual™ True Christian Hotrodder 

Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,442
Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Born Again Bob will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Dear Friends,

Although this is a problem of which I have been relieved by my conversion to eunuchdom, I fear that many of our brothers and sister remain in thrall to the demon MASTURBATION. Just today, a female member of our congregation confided in me that she intended to spend all afternoon playing her "djuidoo." While I tried to convince her that she should djuidon't, I fear that she may have given in to the many-fingered self-lust that stunts the sexual development of so many Christian youths.

And so, I ask you to join me in the following prayer, and mention those poor afflicted souls for whom you particularly pray:

Dear Lord, who never improperly handled your own blessed genitals, we ask that your great self-control be a shining model unto others, who in treacherous sexual self-dealings have stimulated their orifices and glands with lascivious thoughts and deeds. We pray not only for those who use pornographic materials such as may be found at most Indian-run bodegas, but also for those who misuse lingere catalogs, childern's television shows, and pulsing shower heads. Grant that they who engorge and relieve like so many brute animals be filled instead with your grace, and spooge and cream no more, their hot fluttering fingers, racing pulse, and million spasming muscles being replaced by a mind and body dedicated to mortification and prayer.

Dear Lord, we particularly pray for all the tiny donged-Japaneesie floating down the Yahtzee river.

Yours in Him,
bab
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-17-2011, 12:33 PM
Living_Water's Avatar
Living_Water Living_Water is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member

Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Ready for the Rapture Mission to Las Vegas 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: In an igloo on a frozen tundra
Posts: 151
Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Amen.

Spilling ones seed in vain is a sin.

Psalm 127:3-4:
__________________
Revelation 22:1:
And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-17-2011, 01:27 PM
HTannor's Avatar
HTannor HTannor is offline
America's Most Fair and Balanced Judge
True Christian™

True Christian™ Tin Tither Real American™ Christian Love Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Punched the most queers Teabag Patriot One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Pro-Life Porn Resistant TC Bravery True Christian Hotrodder Eats the Most Pork True Republican Proud Niglet Sponsorer 

Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 2,612
HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Amen, Brother BAB.

Unlike you I did not undergo the snipperectomy, but resorted to a crash program that consisted of wearing boxing gloves and watching "The Sound of Music" for seven straight days.

To this day if I feel an urge arising, I need only think of Julie Andrews and Willy gets wee once again.

Rev. Rodimer told me he used an 8 x 10 glossy of Nancy Pelosi to achieve the same results.
__________________
The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court

"Credo elvem etiam vivere"
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-17-2011, 02:22 PM
James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart

True Christian™ Real American™ Christian Love Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian TC Bravery True Christian Provider™ award Platinum Tither Punched the most queers The Lord’s Witness Wound Mission to Australia One Year/1000 posts Jailed for JESUS Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Saved 1 Year Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
Posts: 6,259
James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Quote:
Originally Posted by HTannor View Post
Amen, Brother BAB.

Unlike you I did not undergo the snipperectomy, but resorted to a crash program that consisted of wearing boxing gloves and watching "The Sound of Music" for seven straight days.

To this day if I feel an urge arising, I need only think of Julie Andrews and Willy gets wee once again.

Rev. Rodimer told me he used an 8 x 10 glossy of Nancy Pelosi to achieve the same results.
Brother Tannor I do agree that just the thought of Julie Andrews will cause the shrinking of any Christians Willy, the aspect of using Nasty Nancy Pelosi's photo is a form of masochism, she is rather sadistic. Myself I have a life size painting of Jesus.
Attached Images
 
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-17-2011, 02:51 PM
Cranky Old Man's Avatar
Cranky Old Man Cranky Old Man is offline
Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah
You kids get off his lawn!
 

True Christian™ Real American™ Christian Love Christian Love Platinum Tither Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Gunfest '09 Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian The Lord’s Witness Wound 1st Year Bible College Punched the most queers Public Awareness Medal Public Awareness Medal One Year/1000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award True Christian Nerd Flat Earth The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Hatchet Child Rearing Award Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Touched by Jesus Babysitter 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Close to God
Posts: 17,586
Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Cranky Old Man will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

There are various ways to prevent masturbation. For example, when I get sinful urges I just think about my annoying neighbor Mrs. Johnson. That usually fixes the sinful urges for weeks.

I always use the following Biblical advice for chronic masturbators who fail to get rid of their filthy habbit:
Quote:
You are an obsessive compulsive masturbator. The Bible is very clear on what you have to do about that. You have to rent a chainsaw and remove your hand! Mark 9:43 "And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the firethat never shall be quenched". To be on the safe side you might want to remove both hands.
I am certain I have saved a lot of souls with that advice.
__________________
The Christian guide to TORTURING your children
Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-17-2011, 03:03 PM
HTannor's Avatar
HTannor HTannor is offline
America's Most Fair and Balanced Judge
True Christian™

True Christian™ Tin Tither Real American™ Christian Love Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Punched the most queers Teabag Patriot One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Pro-Life Porn Resistant TC Bravery True Christian Hotrodder Eats the Most Pork True Republican Proud Niglet Sponsorer 

Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 2,612
HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!HTannor will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt View Post
Myself I have a life size painting of Jesus.
Sage advice, Brother Dewitt.


I recently purchased a Winchester just like that one. (It will probably show up on your next Platinum card statement.)
__________________
The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court

"Credo elvem etiam vivere"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-17-2011, 03:36 PM
Bobby-Joe's Avatar
Bobby-Joe Bobby-Joe is offline
Landover Security Superviser
Asset Loss Prevention and Personal Security Expert
NOT angry and positively NOT Gay
 

One Year/1000 posts Long service medal, 2nd class Saved 1 Year Saved 5 Years True Heterosexual™ True Christian Provider™ award 2008 Witch Hunt Award Real American™ Ex-Mary Worshipper The Lord’s Witness Wound Tagging for Jesus Heaven Bound TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Punched the most queers Ex-Masturbator True Christian Justice of the Peace Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot Home Schooled Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth Super Soaker Baptism Award Tell her once Silver Tither Gunfest '07 Christian Love Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Las Vegas Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award True Republican Sons of Liberty Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Prayer Warrior 

Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold Iowa
Posts: 18,556
Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Bobby-Joe will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Born Again Bob View Post
Dear Friends,

Although this is a problem of which I have been relieved by my conversion to eunuchdom, I fear that many of our brothers and sister remain in thrall to the demon MASTURBATION. Just today, a female member of our congregation confided in me that she intended to spend all afternoon playing her "djuidoo." While I tried to convince her that she should djuidon't, I fear that she may have given in to the many-fingered self-lust that stunts the sexual development of so many Christian youths.

And so, I ask you to join me in the following prayer, and mention those poor afflicted souls for whom you particularly pray:

Dear Lord, who never improperly handled your own blessed genitals, we ask that your great self-control be a shining model unto others, who in treacherous sexual self-dealings have stimulated their orifices and glands with lascivious thoughts and deeds. We pray not only for those who use pornographic materials such as may be found at most Indian-run bodegas, but also for those who misuse lingere catalogs, childern's television shows, and pulsing shower heads. Grant that they who engorge and relieve like so many brute animals be filled instead with your grace, and spooge and cream no more, their hot fluttering fingers, racing pulse, and million spasming muscles being replaced by a mind and body dedicated to mortification and prayer.

Dear Lord, we particularly pray for all the tiny donged-Japaneesie floating down the Yahtzee river.

Yours in Him,
bab
Amen.

From my experience as a security officer here at Freehold having had to deal with some "youthful indiscretions" of various congratulation members I would also like to add the following items to BaB's heartfelt prayer to end masturbation; vacuum cleaners, toilet plungers, plastic models of the locomotive of the 20th Century Limited, brass decorative French style fence posts*, garden hoses and (as unlikely as it sounds) large restaurant style blenders.


* Don't ask when the security detail describes a woman as a "large gal"
__________________

Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

Hot Must ReadThreads!


Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-17-2011, 05:15 PM
True Disciple's Avatar
True Disciple True Disciple is offline
True Christian™ Creation Scientist
Landover Baptist University Associate Professor
Smashing atheist science one fact at a time
True Christian™

True Christian™ Real American™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS 1st Year Bible College True Scientist™ Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian 2nd Year Bible College TC Bravery Punched the most queers 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Bronze Tither One Year/1000 posts Jr. Pastor Tell her once Christian Love Persecuted Flat Earth Friend of Jesus Porn Resistant Pro-Life 

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Flood Hydrology Lab, Landover University, Freehold, IA
Posts: 2,448
True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!True Disciple will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Dewitt View Post
Brother Tannor I do agree that just the thought of Julie Andrews will cause the shrinking of any Christians Willy, the aspect of using Nasty Nancy Pelosi's photo is a form of masochism, she is rather sadistic. Myself I have a life size painting of Jesus.
I don't know, Brother. Usually thinking of Jesus fills my heart with fervor for the Lord, but when those despicable urges arise, More fervor isn't really the thing I need.

Nowadays I prefer to open my Bible and read either from Leviticus chapters 1-7 or chapters 1 Chronicles 1-9. Those are guaranteed to make you forget any excitement you might have felt.

I previously tried Song of Solomon, Ezekiel and Revelation, but they didn't work that way.
__________________
Sweet Lord Jesus,
I want to pray for those who persecute me, my Lord.
Please, treat their children as you treated those of Egypt, when they upset you! (Psalm 135:8-9)
Dash their little children against the stones for their fathers iniquity! (Psalm 137:8-9)
Hit them on the cheek, and smash out their teeth! (Psalm 3:7)
Make their death and descent into Hell swift and terrible! (Psalm 55:15)
Scatter their broken bodies over the streets of their evil cities, like Benghazi, Amsterdam, Tokyo and Mecca! (Psalm 110:6)
Praised be Your Glorious Name™.

Amen.

Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-28-2011, 12:47 PM
Lalli from Hellsinki's Avatar
Lalli from Hellsinki Lalli from Hellsinki is offline
Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: With polar bears
Posts: 5
Lalli from Hellsinki is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Amen!

Replace 1st "stumble" with "look at porn" and 2nd "stumble" with "masturbating" - we know what to do!

"If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell."

Matthew 5:29

Our Lord has granted us infinite wisdom through the Good Book! Unfortunately, most of us are too weak to live out the Word. Let us help out brothers and sisters to get rid of their weakness!
__________________
"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived! Fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, arsenokoitēs, thieves, the greedy, drunkards, revilers, robbers, none of these will inherit the kingdom of God. "
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-28-2011, 01:23 PM
MisterM's Avatar
MisterM MisterM is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

Iceland Heaven Bound Honorary Ex-Eskimo True Christian Caucasian True Christian™ Real American™ Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound TC Bravery Pro-Life Flat Earth Tell her once Porn Resistant One Year/1000 posts Eats the Most Pork Christian Love True Republican Public Awareness Medal True Christian Provider™ award True Christian Hotrodder 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Sinful north, near the Eskimos
Posts: 1,461
MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.MisterM is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

This prayer request open my eyes to see that I have done nothing to prevent my sons to masturbate. Of course I try to teach them to be good Christians, but sometimes Satan will corrupt them even you beat them regularly. My kids are only 5 and 7, so should I start to tie their hands during the night? Or is it too late?
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 03-28-2011, 03:15 PM
hakkesei hakkesei is offline
Unsaved trash, suspected eskimo
Under Investigation
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Sweden
Posts: 13
hakkesei is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterM View Post
This prayer request open my eyes to see that I have done nothing to prevent my sons to masturbate. Of course I try to teach them to be good Christians, but sometimes Satan will corrupt them even you beat them regularly. My kids are only 5 and 7, so should I start to tie their hands during the night? Or is it too late?
Not yet. Pray for them, every night. Let their hands be free. Visible sign of masturbation is good mood and overall calmness. I used my self an Al pro B to convince my self that my child are'nt masturbating - it worked, and I trust them allmost as much as I trust Jesus, the holy father od God.

Yours in pure Faith in Jesus, Hakkesei
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-29-2011, 05:48 AM
Lalli from Hellsinki's Avatar
Lalli from Hellsinki Lalli from Hellsinki is offline
Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: With polar bears
Posts: 5
Lalli from Hellsinki is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterM View Post
This prayer request open my eyes to see that I have done nothing to prevent my sons to masturbate. Of course I try to teach them to be good Christians, but sometimes Satan will corrupt them even you beat them regularly. My kids are only 5 and 7, so should I start to tie their hands during the night? Or is it too late?
Help them to follow the cutting advice above.
__________________
"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived! Fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, arsenokoitēs, thieves, the greedy, drunkards, revilers, robbers, none of these will inherit the kingdom of God. "
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-29-2011, 10:02 AM
Living_Water's Avatar
Living_Water Living_Water is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member

Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Ready for the Rapture Mission to Las Vegas 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: In an igloo on a frozen tundra
Posts: 151
Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.Living_Water has bribed people to get these reputation points.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Dear brothers and sisters,

As some of us may have noticed brother Faith_Machine strayed from his path and masturbated after devious woman told him pornographic stories today. This is a sad story indeed.

Let us all pray for him to find his way back to Jesus, and again forget his sinful masturbatory ways. Afterall he's clearly repenting and trying hard. He just needs a little bit of extra help.

I'm praying for him right now.
__________________
Revelation 22:1:
And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 03-29-2011, 09:48 PM
Jack O'fagan's Avatar
Jack O'fagan Jack O'fagan is offline
With faith as immovable as the Earth
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Ready for the Rapture Porn Resistant True Christian™ Flat Earth Tell her once Ex-Masturbator Heaven Bound Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Christian Love 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College One Year/1000 posts True Scientist™ Ex-Brit True Republican Ex-eurotrash Eats the Most Pork 3rd Year Bible College Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior 

Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Body in England but HEART IN FREEHOLD!
Posts: 4,682
Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jack O'fagan will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

All nonsense. It's easy to give up masturbating, you just need strength of character! I gave up yesterday and twice this morning with no problem.

Just get a grip!

YiC

Jack
__________________
Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.



I know God wouldn't let me believe in Him if He didn't exist.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 03-30-2011, 10:41 AM
Faith_Machine's Avatar
Faith_Machine Faith_Machine is offline
Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Porn Resistant True Republican The Lord’s Witness Wound Pro-Life Ex-liberal Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Flat Earth Tell her once Guns, Guts and GLORY! Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior TC Bravery True Christian Hotrodder Tagging for Jesus Paula Deen Negro Support Group Early riser Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Pacifica, California
Posts: 7,029
Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Please do continue to pray for me, brothers and sisters. I've been on a multi-day masturbation binge, or as I like to call it, a "masturbinge," since before Living_Water posted the above prayer request.

I am so ashamed of myself right now, and the more I hate myself for doing this, the more I do it!

I've even been looking at the Lane Bryant catalog.
__________________
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 03-30-2011, 01:04 PM
James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart

True Christian™ Real American™ Christian Love Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian TC Bravery True Christian Provider™ award Platinum Tither Punched the most queers The Lord’s Witness Wound Mission to Australia One Year/1000 posts Jailed for JESUS Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Saved 1 Year Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
Posts: 6,259
James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Please do continue to pray for me, brothers and sisters. I've been on a multi-day masturbation binge, or as I like to call it, a "masturbinge," since before Living_Water posted the above prayer request.

I am so ashamed of myself right now, and the more I hate myself for doing this, the more I do it!

I've even been looking at the Lane Bryant catalog.
Boy this ain't the Cathlik Church. Sorry but Jesus does not accept the I quit then oops I did it again crap. The damn Catliks sin Monday through Friday, show up for confession, tell the Pedophile behind the curtain of their atrocities. Sure the Pedophile tells them they are bad and then has the sinner repeat some form of worship to Mary. On Sunday they come to church eat a death cookie and have a swallow of cheap wine. Come Monday they are right back at it masturbating and searching for whores!

If you cant keep your hands off your tallywacker with out abusing it, CUT OFF YOUR HANDS!

Mark 9:43


And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 03-30-2011, 09:03 PM
Faith_Machine's Avatar
Faith_Machine Faith_Machine is offline
Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Porn Resistant True Republican The Lord’s Witness Wound Pro-Life Ex-liberal Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Flat Earth Tell her once Guns, Guts and GLORY! Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior TC Bravery True Christian Hotrodder Tagging for Jesus Paula Deen Negro Support Group Early riser Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Pacifica, California
Posts: 7,029
Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Wouldn't it be better to sever my manhood? I feel I would be a burden to society if I had no hands, and would be forced to collect welfare.

Also, even without hands, I fear I would be tempted to visit the so-called "glory holes."

Have you heard about these things? Men put their manhoods through holes in wallls, and really attractive women on the other sides of these walls perform unnatural acts upon them.
__________________
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 03-31-2011, 05:25 AM
Lalli from Hellsinki's Avatar
Lalli from Hellsinki Lalli from Hellsinki is offline
Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: With polar bears
Posts: 5
Lalli from Hellsinki is under investigation -- suspected to be Unsaved Trash.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Wouldn't it be better to sever my manhood? I feel I would be a burden to society if I had no hands, and would be forced to collect welfare.

Also, even without hands, I fear I would be tempted to visit the so-called "glory holes."

Have you heard about these things? Men put their manhoods through holes in wallls, and really attractive women on the other sides of these walls perform unnatural acts upon them.
Brother, are you implying that castration is OK?

Deuteronomy 23:1
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD
__________________
"Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived! Fornicators, idolaters, adulterers, arsenokoitēs, thieves, the greedy, drunkards, revilers, robbers, none of these will inherit the kingdom of God. "
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 12-22-2011, 06:52 AM
Faith_Machine's Avatar
Faith_Machine Faith_Machine is offline
Dyed-in-the-wool True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Porn Resistant True Republican The Lord’s Witness Wound Pro-Life Ex-liberal Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Flat Earth Tell her once Guns, Guts and GLORY! Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior TC Bravery True Christian Hotrodder Tagging for Jesus Paula Deen Negro Support Group Early riser Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Pacifica, California
Posts: 7,029
Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Faith_Machine will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Please do continue to pray for me, brothers and sisters. I've been on a multi-day masturbation binge, or as I like to call it, a "masturbinge," since before Living_Water posted the above prayer request.

I am so ashamed of myself right now, and the more I hate myself for doing this, the more I do it!

I've even been looking at the Lane Bryant catalog.
I just wanted to check back and offer my sincere and heartfelt thanks to everybody who prayed for me! I'm coming up on nine months of complete abstinance, and let me tell you, the amount of energy I have is incredible!!!

__________________
WARNING:
In accordance with article 7 of the Swaggart Amendment to the Landover Baptist Church Constitution, you are hereby notified that this forum user is a
REGISTERED SPIRITUAL PREDATOR, and prohibited from sending or receiving personal messages, text messages, or instant messages to forum users below the rank of True Christian™. This user is further prohibited from engaging with any persons in real-time audio or video "chats" via Web cams, Skype, Facetime, or any other Internet audio/video technology or service.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 01-28-2013, 09:47 PM
johnsmith111's Avatar
johnsmith111 johnsmith111 is offline
Confirmed Enemy of God
BANNED from Landover -- Aeternal Damnation Assured

Cherry-picker 

Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: spanking my monkey in Jew York City
Posts: 47
johnsmith111 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.johnsmith111 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.johnsmith111 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.johnsmith111 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.johnsmith111 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.johnsmith111 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.johnsmith111 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.johnsmith111 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Please Pray for CHRONIC MASTURBATORS

hey Bob how did you castrate yourself ?
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here

The information presented here is Biblically accurate. Opinions concerning the technical difficulties, fitness requirements, safety, and ratings of self-crucifixion, flagellation, stoning, destroying enemies of GOD utterly, without mercy, and other activities inherent in Christianity are subjective and may differ from yours or others' opinions; therefore be warned that you must exercise your own judgment as to the difficulty and your ability to safely protect yourself from the inherent risks and dangers. Do not use the information provided on this site unless you are a True Christian ™ who understands and accepts the risks of participating in these activities. Landover Baptist Church makes reasonable efforts to include accurate and up to date information on this website, errors or omissions sometimes occur, therefore the information contained on here is provided "as is" and without warranties of any kind either expressed or implied. Viewing, reading, or any other use of the information contained within this web site is purely the voluntary will of the viewer or user. You, 'the viewer' or 'user' shall not hold the publisher, owner, authors or other contributors of The Jesus Experience responsible for any incidents related directly or indirectly to the Experience. Landover Baptist Church, et. al., assumes no liability or responsibility for your actions.


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:42 AM.


Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1999, 2009 all rights reserved