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Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

View Poll Results: Should I bash them with rocks or drown them slowly?
Bash their skulls! 36 21.95%
Drown them slowly! 95 57.93%
Other - Please explain 33 20.12%
Voters: 164. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 09-16-2011, 12:34 AM
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Default How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

I got a litter of kittens for my children a few months ago. They were awesome and brought my little girls much joy, such is the Grace of God. However, they have recently started becoming willful and mischievous. One of the even scratched one of my sons and pushed my little girl, Anabella, in the face. Not knowing what to do, I of course went to the premiere authority on animal handling: The King James Bible.

I start with the fact that, as we all know, God gave us dominion over all animals on the Earth:

Quote:
Genesis 1:26
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
This means we can do as we see fit to all animals, but it also means we must be stewards to them. Now, I had to find out what God wants me to do to Tinkebell, Snowball, and the rest of the "pretty kitties" as my girls call them.

I found answers in Exodus:

Quote:
Stone Animals Who Attack People
Exodus 21:28
If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall be quit.

Stone Animals Who Push People
Exodus 21:32
If the ox shall push a manservant or a maidservant; he shall give unto their master thirty shekels of silver, and the ox shall be stoned.
So it is clear... If any animal I own attacks or even "pushes" someone else, I MUST kill it. Also of note is that I am at risk of being stoned to death if Mr. Tibbles were to get out of the house and "push" a neighbor:

Quote:
Stone Owners Of Animals Who Attack People
Exodus 21:29
But if the ox were wont to push with his horn in time past, and it hath been testified to his owner, and he hath not kept him in, but that he hath killed a man or a woman; the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death.
I hope you can see that this make it a very urgent matter for me.

So it seems that Sweet Baby Jesus wants me to take Mrs. Puss-N-Boots and the rest of the "cuddly crew" and bash their skulls in with rocks. But then I saw the following:

Quote:
Genesis 6:5-7

5And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.

6And it repented the LORD that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

7And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
This is, of course, God's decision that he needed to wipe out all humans and animals with his great flood. A cat that was in teh flood could have lived for week, adrift on floatsom, before slowly drowning. God has clearly given me two ways to deal with disobedience animals.

So it leaves me with a dilemma: do I bash the kittens to death or drown them slowly in the tub? Which shows more love for God?

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Further reading to help you become a True Christian™

Stoning Sinners: A How-To Guide
Scientific Study: Bible is NOT "All About Love"
The One Sin Jesus Says He Won't EVER Forgive!
Should we only follow SOME of the Bible?
How will YOU sacrifice your kids?
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God: Dress Like A Whore...Get Raped!
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Logic and Bible Agree: Gay is a choice!
Nursery Rhymes Teach kids that Christ is Lord!
There is no such thing as an "agnostic!"
Science: People are Only Islamic Because They are Depressed!

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Old 09-16-2011, 02:26 AM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

It doesn't really matter. I've hear Deaner likes to use them for target practice. He ties them up in trees.
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Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Old 09-16-2011, 09:24 AM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

There are a lot of ferral cats around my farm, the best way to dispose of them is to trap them and use them as live bait in a hunt.
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Old 09-16-2011, 10:15 AM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Liam the ex-drunk View Post
There are a lot of ferral cats around my farm, the best way to dispose of them is to trap them and use them as live bait in a hunt.
I'm with you, Liam. Their death should provide a net benefit for your family. As such, I provide families in my neighborhood with an easy way to dispose of unwanted kittens. They are free to toss them over my fence at any time. The kittens then get to play with my 8 guard Huskies, though admittedly the romping is over fairly quickly. Takes care of the neighbors problem and saves us on dog food.
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Old 09-16-2011, 11:01 AM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Well, The Bible does say to stone them. Just grab a few stones and hit their heads against it until they're dead.

Simple as pie.
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Old 09-16-2011, 11:45 AM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

It's well known that a cat is nothing more than a Demon spirit taking on the form of an animal.
A cat has no place in a Christian household and should be stoned immediately, as should the owner of the demon.

Leviticus 27: A man also or woman that hath a familiar spirit, or that is a wizard, shall surely be put to death: they shall stone them with stones: their blood shall be upon them.

Unless of course you choose to go to Sister Petal who will willingly Baptize the Kitties.

Whichever way, the cat dies.

Such is the Love of Jesus.
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Old 09-16-2011, 11:56 AM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

In these situations I sit back and ask the question 'what would Jesus do?'
I believe that Jesus would drown them.

Tinkerbell and Snowball could be demon possessed if they have attacked your children. I think that Jesus's preferred method of animal execution was drowning.

Mark 5:11 Now there was there nigh unto the mountains a great herd of swine feeding. 12And all the devils besought him, saying, Send us into the swine, that we may enter into them.
13And forthwith Jesus gave them leave. And the unclean spirits went out, and entered into the swine: and the herd ran violently down a steep place into the sea, they were about two thousand and were choked in the sea.



This may have been due to practicalities though. There were 2,000 pigs that needed killing and it would have taken ages for gentle Jesus to have individually smashed their skulls in with a rock.


YIC


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Old 09-16-2011, 01:50 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Bash their skulls, videotape it and send the video to an Egyptian!
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Old 09-16-2011, 04:22 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Have you considered using your then others felines to teach the your children stories of the Bible. I have seen pictures of people dressing their pets up in crazy clothes but to take these same attired felines and act out your favorite parables. just imagine Sampson and Delliah cat going through all the trials and tribulations of betrayal and finally Sampson pulling down the pillars of the temple killing himself along with his enemies the Philistine tabbies.
Quote:
Judges 16:28-30

King James Version (KJV)


28And Samson called unto the LORD, and said, O Lord God, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes.
29And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars upon which the house stood, and on which it was borne up, of the one with his right hand, and of the other with his left.
30And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.
Then you can drop the big rock roof on half a dozen cats. Lesson Taught,cats disposed of for a Godly cause. I mean you could do this weekly in Sunday School.
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Old 09-16-2011, 04:30 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

I think Brother Gabriel should have his children vote on how God wants them to kill the kittens and then punish the children who voted the wrong way. That would teach them to how to handle animals in a Christian manner and to always listen to God in all manners.
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Old 09-16-2011, 04:48 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Another thing you could do is to set them free in the local Chinatown!
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Old 09-16-2011, 05:23 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Proud Faroese View Post
Another thing you could do is to set them free in the local Chinatown!
Hmmm, that would just be downright cruel.
Anyway, those Ornamentals should be encouraged to consume proper American food instead of the slimy rubbish they eat now.
No wonder they are so stunted and ugly.
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  #13  
Old 09-16-2011, 06:53 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Or you could just kill them(by stoning) and after you killed them you can download a delicious chink cat-meat recipe and invite some born-again Christian japs for a nice dinner
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  #14  
Old 09-16-2011, 07:22 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Since you have more than one you could try it both ways and see which works better, both spiritually and logistically, for you.

YiC,

Zech
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  #15  
Old 09-16-2011, 07:30 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

I simply toss them in the chipper. I do not have the time to deal with their nonsense.
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Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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  #16  
Old 09-16-2011, 09:13 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Cats are an excellent call for coyote hunting. Just place them in a burlap bag, grab a large pair of channelock pliers, and of course your Godly rifle then head out. Once on stand merely "pinch" the cat with the pliers through the bag, and the resulting noise will bring in coyotes from miles away.
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Leviticus 26:27-29

27 And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me;
28 Then I will walk contrary unto you also in fury; and I, even I, will chastise you seven times for your sins.
29 And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.
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  #17  
Old 09-16-2011, 11:08 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Well Brother Gabe, I had to vote "Other".

While I am certainly no fan of the fag French, I believe they had a good idea in the 17th century in how to dispose of these filthy pests and nuisances.

Quote:
Cat burning was a form of zoosadistic entertainment in 17th century Paris, France. In this form of entertainment, people would gather dozens of cats in a net and hoist them high into the air from a special bundle onto a bonfire. According to Norman Davies, the assembled people "shrieked with laughter as the animals, howling with pain, were singed, roasted, and finally carbonized."

"It was the custom to burn a basket, barrel, or sack full of live cats, which was hung from a tall mast in the midst of the bonfire; sometimes a fox was burned."
As others have mentioned, felines are demons on the prowl. Why not send them back to Satan in hellfire, and provide entertainment at the same time as God wins yet again?

In Christ
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Old 09-16-2011, 11:21 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Just let them starve to death. I'd be curious as to how exactly how long that would take. A week?
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Old 09-16-2011, 11:25 PM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Proud Faroese View Post
Another thing you could do is to set them free in the local Chinatown!
Actually, this may be a very serious subject. There is many issues with a Christian owning something as filthy and unGodly as a cat, and your Pastor should have explained all this to you.

Here are some FACTS about cats -

1. Cats can commune with evil spirits

Cats were worshipped in ancient Egypt for this very reason. Many people say cats can see ghosts, but very few actually know that these spirits can come into the cat, and converse with it, sometimes possessing the beast, and using it for unspeakable evils.

2. Cats steals babies / children's breaths

See FACT 1. It's a well known FACT that cats can come into a childs room while they are asleep, and steal their breath. But very few people realise why. The Demon / evil spirit that is inside these cats is actually trying to suck out part of your childs soul, so that your child is more succeptable to demonic possession.

3. Cats are used by witches as their familiars

Witches often use cats to commune with evil spirits (see FACT 1), in their dark magic rituals. Sometimes a witch will become part of that cat by placing part of her spirit inside the cat using a spell, and drinking the cats blood. Sometimes witches even breastfeed their cats, so the cat will think she is its mother, so that the bond is stronger between witch and familiar. Witches also use cats to spy on Christians, and to watch us while our guard is down.


There is only ONE way to deal with a cat. Forget what everyone else has said on this thread. Drowning? Please no. Can a witch drown? Unless you want your home infested with demons, do not try to drown a cat. A cat must be burned. You must also say prayers, and ask that God protects your home and your loved ones.

HERE is what you must do. (Note, you cannot drug the animal, it has to be conscious during the process to protect your family)

1. Secure the cat, making sure it does not scratch or bite you or any of your family (especially your children)

2. Cut off the cats ears, so witches cannot hear you.

3. Tear out the cats tongue, so witches cannot use it to curse or speak evils among your family.

4. Hack off the cats limbs, so that the spirit of the witch cannot walk among you.

5. Gouge out the cats eyes, so that witches cannot see among you.

6. Sew the eyes, mouth and ears closed of the animal, and be careful not to let it's blood get on you.

7. Burn the animal

8. Bury the carcass of the animal in a Church grounds, the marker must be a Christian cross, and you will need to pray over it and ask God to send the animal to the pits of Hell, and protect your family from the evils it has spread among you.

If anyone needs a full detailed account of the prayers required, and methods of restraining a cat during this process, please feel free to contact me. I am well-versed in dealing with these vile animals.

I hope this helps.
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  #20  
Old 09-17-2011, 02:36 AM
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Default Re: How Should I Kill My Kittens: Drowning Or Smash Their Heads In?

I hope you know, posting something like this just death metal screams animal cruelty I hope they lock your sadistic ass up and unleash the homosexual prisoners upon you when you drop the soap. Have a nice day :]
~ThatWiccanKid
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