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Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed!

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  #1  
Old 09-28-2012, 04:44 AM
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Default Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Brothers in CHRIST,

It's been a long time coming, but it seems that my JESUS has sent my wife the menopause.

I have been told this means that she is no longer able to produce children, although I'm confident that GOD could work a miracle for us and cause my wife to become pregnant any time He wants her to.

I have been waiting for that miracle since I married her in 1982, and I am starting to lose hope that she will ever get pregnant.

Since it is obvious that GOD doesn't want my wife to be pregnant (it is no doubt her own fault) I am left with two options:

1. Sell my wife in accordance with GOD's law and get a better one who is blessed with a fertile womb,

Or,

2. Take the plunge and become a True Christian eunuch in accordance with JESUS' instructions in the Bible.

I really don't want to sell her. I don't need the money, and she is a fine cook.

On the other hand, I can't have sex with her anymore since it would be non-procreative, and that would be a waste of my precious seed.

I do not want to lapse into the downward spiral of masturbation, so I am thinking of just becoming a eunuch for JESUS.

Maybe some of my True Christian eunuch friends would like to advise me?

Thank you, brothers!
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Old 09-28-2012, 06:25 AM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

If she's all dried up, there's obviously no need for s*x. But as long as she's a cripple, you can still put her to work around the house. In fact, you can work her twice as hard, since she'll no longer be bringing young soldiers for Christ into the world.

Since you will not be having s*x any more, your testicles can only lead you into temptation. Jesus spoke directly to this in Matthew 19:12, but parallels can also be drawn with Jesus' exhortation to amputate other body parts that may lead to sinfulness.

Mark 5:29-30
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.


When you consider the advancements in elective amputational surgery, we have it a lot easier that the early Christians. There's really no reason not to go through with it if you have had all the children God is going to give you. Pray on this, but as a Christian, I think the choice is clear.
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Old 09-29-2012, 07:54 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Thank you for your advice, brother.

I have been praying on the matter, and GOD is telling me that I would be a lot happier without testicles.

I admire the courage of True Christian eunuchs like Born Again Bob and the brilliant Professor Bessemer.

I'm going to get in touch with them about a True Christian surgeon, or perhaps a True Christian faith healer who can pray my testicles away.
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Old 09-29-2012, 08:07 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Dear Brother,

Quote:
Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?
Having met your wife, I have to ask -- why choose?

Also, no need for a surgeon. You just need pinking shears and a creme brulee torch. I'll send you the kit at the "friends and family" rate.

Yours in Him,
bab
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Old 10-02-2012, 09:14 PM
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Lightbulb Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Maybe you should just love your wife for who she is.Since you can't have kids now maybe you should adopt a child. You're probably against abortion and you could help a child who needs it, but your not a fit parent so throw that idea out. I don't get why you're a sexist asshole. Good?
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Old 10-02-2012, 09:18 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AllLove View Post
Maybe you should just love your wife for who she is.Since you can't have kids now maybe you should adopt a child. You're probably against abortion and you could help a child who needs it, but your not a fit parent so throw that idea out. I don't get why you're a sexist asshole. Good?
You haven't read the Bible, have you?
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Old 10-02-2012, 09:18 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AllLove View Post
Maybe you should just love your wife for who she is.Since you can't have kids now maybe you should adopt a child. You're probably against abortion and you could help a child who needs it, but your not a fit parent so throw that idea out. I don't get why you're a sexist asshole. Good?
How does this help him with his problem of having a sex drive and no productive way to use it?

Please think before opening your pie hole next time, OK, missy?
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Old 10-02-2012, 09:37 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
How does this help him with his problem of having a sex drive and no productive way to use it?

Please think before opening your pie hole next time, OK, missy?
It's very likely the she-harlot has e-mailed Bob4God naked pictures of herself in the hopes of temping Bob4God into self pollution and turning him gay.
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Old 10-02-2012, 11:25 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
It's very likely the she-harlot has e-mailed Bob4God naked pictures of herself in the hopes of temping Bob4God into self pollution and turning him gay.
NOOOOOO!

Brother B4G, don't open her email!

Forward it to me and Landover's pastors so we may ensure that it is safe and does not include vile pornography which might tempt you!

Oh, and cc Bobby-Joe. And Deaner.

They have special insights they may wish to share.
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Old 10-03-2012, 12:53 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob4God View Post
Thank you for your advice, brother.

I have been praying on the matter, and GOD is telling me that I would be a lot happier without testicles.

I admire the courage of True Christian eunuchs like Born Again Bob and the brilliant Professor Bessemer.

I'm going to get in touch with them about a True Christian surgeon, or perhaps a True Christian faith healer who can pray my testicles away.
Brother Fore,

As a 100% straight, cured Ex-Gay© True Christian™ Doctor of Scientheism, I can say with certainty that whichever of these Biblically correct options you choose, it will be the correct path. The Lord righteously chose to take my genitals during my Ex-Gay© therapy, I had no choice in the matter. He, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, smote me with the necrotizing fasciitis in my crotch to show me just how much my former life as a disgusting sodomite had displeased Him.


And you, being dead in your sins and the uncircumcision of your flesh, hath he quickened together with him, having forgiven you all trespasses;

Blotting out the handwriting of ordinances that was against us, which was contrary to us, and took it out of the way, nailing it to his cross;

Colossians 2:13-14



You are currently a saved True Christian™, therefore all of your choices will be Biblically correct. You walk in perfection with Jesus, you cannot make an incorrect decision. Therefore, if you choose to sell your wife, God will smile upon you. If you choose to castrate yourself, The Lord will bless you and your righteous choice.



Blessed are the undefiled in the way, who walk in the law of the Lord.

Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart.

They also do no iniquity: they walk in his ways.
Psalm 119:1-3




Now, as to which of these options I would recommend, I think that should be obvious. Having no genitals whatsoever is wonderful! My clothes fit better, I never need to adjust myself before I sit down, hygiene is a breeze, I could go on and on! If you choose to keep your penis to more easily facilitate urination, I would wager to guess you would later regret that decision. My rerouted urethra handles the discharging of liquid waste just fine.
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Sodomites! Stop being gay TODAY!

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Old 10-03-2012, 02:17 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
It's very likely the she-harlot has e-mailed Bob4God naked pictures of herself in the hopes of temping Bob4God into self pollution and turning him gay.
It would take more than a 350 pound naked lesbian goth to tempt me, brother.

Brother Bessemer, I never knew there were so many benefits to being entirely bereft of genitalia!

I was considering just putting my wife up for sale in the Freehold Truth and Light newspaper, but hearing you describe life as a eunuch has really brought the spirit of hope to my heart!
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  #12  
Old 10-03-2012, 09:52 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob4God View Post
It would take more than a 350 pound naked lesbian goth to tempt me, brother.

Brother Bessemer, I never knew there were so many benefits to being entirely bereft of genitalia!

I was considering just putting my wife up for sale in the Freehold Truth and Light newspaper, but hearing you describe life as a eunuch has really brought the spirit of hope to my heart!
Glory, I am glad I could offer my advice on a topic near and dear to my heart. I will pray that whatever choice you make goes smoothly.

But I do have one request. Please address me as Professor Brother Bessemer. I do like to keep a sense of decorum on these boards, as an example to all the unsaved heathens that insist on spewing their gutter talk on our Holy forum.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:05 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob4God View Post
It would take more than a 350 pound naked lesbian goth to tempt me, brother...
Like, what, a 500 lb. naked lesbian goth? Or did you mean multiple 350 pounders?

You haven't shown this side of your personality before, Mr. 4God. It's, errr, enlightening (pun definitely not intended).
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Old 10-04-2012, 02:26 AM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Didymus Much View Post
Like, what, a 500 lb. naked lesbian goth? Or did you mean multiple 350 pounders?

You haven't shown this side of your personality before, Mr. 4God. It's, errr, enlightening (pun definitely not intended).
It is so typical of you atheists to misrepresent the words of a wholesome Christian man of GOD such as myself!

What I meant to say was that no Earthly thing can tempt me, because I am so strong in JESUS. Even more so when I am done with my surgery.
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Old 10-04-2012, 11:25 AM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Brother Bob4God, I have a widow daughter who isn't remarried yet you might be interested in. She is stupid, but she can cook well and has many child bearing years left. I also properly taught her not to talk back. She hasn't said a word since 1997.


Quote:
Originally Posted by AllLove View Post
Maybe you should just love your wife for who she is.
Have you even met her? Or do you just like the sound of your own ramblings?
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:43 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Just out of curiosity, how much money could a woman like the one described render if being sold? You see, I’m in a similar situation; wife in menopause, terrible at cooking, grown up sons in little need of a mother. I am kind of fond of her, but there are not many practical benefits of keeping her. My problem is that where I live, nobody wants to buy a used woman in the 50’s, no matter how well managed she might be. The closest I’ve come to close a deal was with a distant neighbor who offered me to trade her for a snow blower (ToroPowerMax 8.26OE). I estimate the value to be ~2000$. My wife and I have been together for more than 30 years. I don’t know if it’s nostalgia or what, but this seems a little cheap to me.

If I would live in a country like USA – a country that God actually likes – how much money do you think I could get?
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Old 10-04-2012, 08:39 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob4God View Post
It is so typical of you atheists to misrepresent the words of a wholesome Christian man of GOD such as myself!

What I meant to say was that no Earthly thing can tempt me, because I am so strong in JESUS. Even more so when I am done with my surgery.
Exactly brother, it will take more than a bunch of naked she-halorts to temp a TRUE Christian™ man in to the depravity of homosexuality.
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Old 10-04-2012, 09:19 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by rapeunsel View Post
Just out of curiosity, how much money could a woman like the one described render if being sold? You see, I’m in a similar situation; wife in menopause, terrible at cooking, grown up sons in little need of a mother. I am kind of fond of her, but there are not many practical benefits of keeping her.
Could you send her for cooking classes?

It's not like it is all that difficult. Just look at the easy recipes posted in Aunt Flo's!

You've already got her, maybe you can make her useful. Or maybe rent her out to do day care?

If you try hard enough, Brother, you can find a use for any woman, even if she's just a good doorstop.
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Old 10-05-2012, 11:23 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

I don't see any problem with selling your wife. After all, Abraham sold his wife Sarah twice, once to Pharaoh (Genesis 12:10-20) and once to Abimelech (Genesis 20:1-18). In each case, he passed her off as his sister. Of course, God punished Pharaoh and Abimelech for their horrible sin of adultery, by bringing terrible plagues upon Egypt and by making all of the women of Abimelech's household barren, until they each returned Sarah to her rightful owner, Abraham.

Only a Jew could think of a way to peddle his 90 year old wife onto two rulers then find a way to use God as muscle to collect payment in this racket, thus ringing up a tidy profit!
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Old 10-07-2012, 04:47 PM
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Default Re: Should I Sell my Wife or Become a Eunuch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Only a Jew could think of a way to peddle his 90 year old wife onto two rulers then find a way to use God as muscle to collect payment in this racket, thus ringing up a tidy profit!
I'm definitely not Jewish, but do you think if I casually misled someone into thinking that my wife is actually my sister and sell her to them, GOD would get angry for their adultery and curse them, and then pay me to take my wife back?

Times are tough in this economy, and I could use some extra money.
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