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THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Open for the CHRISTmas Season only.

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  #1  
Old 12-23-2013, 09:11 PM
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Default A friendly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

I hope you are all getting Me awesome CHRISTmas presents and tithing extra in My name!

Please don't jew Me on My Birthday! And don't forget to tip your pastors!

BLESSINGS!

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  #2  
Old 12-23-2013, 09:23 PM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Well, hello there Holy Omniscient Messianic One!!

Thank you so much for all you have done for us, who were once naught but filthy abominations, but are now tolerable in the sight of He that sent You.

I won't blather on with endless praises here, of which you are so worthy, but just be advised, I will carry on like a star-struck school girl when you finally call me home to you! I can't wait!! Kill me now, please!

With loving, humble and faithful worship,

Yours In You,

Mark.
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I Kings 7:23

And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.

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Old 12-23-2013, 09:38 PM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Jesus, I didn't think we'd see you this year. How honoured we are! It's already Tuesday here, so it's your birthday tomorrow. I thought I might go and stone some sinners for your birthday. I hope you will like that.
Your adoring fan,
Widow Irene.
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  #4  
Old 12-24-2013, 02:27 AM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Oh! Oh!

Dear Merciful Jesus, sir -

My , my ... my reason for living! I only exist to glorify You! Thank You ever so much for gracing this humble forum with Your omnipresence.

For Your gift, I am tithing this month's mortgage payment to LBC, which I hear is Your favorite church. I also plan on publicly rebuking the You-mocking whores and blasphemers who have the nerve every year to patronize Seamus O'Sinner's Public House on the eve of Your birthday (it's not open Christmas Day or else those drunkards would be saucing it up then as well).

If there is anything else You want from me (do You enjoy fresh pie?), You have only to ask; I am Yours for the taking!

In Complete and Perfect Adoration
Mrs. Paddy McIrish
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Old 12-24-2013, 03:24 AM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Lord Jesus, it's wonderful to see You again! I have lots of questions, but I don't want to annoy You. Therefore, I will quietly pray, and I'm sure the answers will be made clear to me.
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Old 12-24-2013, 03:56 AM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

The Fairest of 10,000, Ruler of all Nations...at Your Holy Feet we do bow...



Thanks for stopping in, King of Kings. We know it gets busy managing the entire universe like You do.

Your faithful servant,

Pastor Ed
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Old 12-24-2013, 03:57 AM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Hosanna, Lord: I love You, and have pledged my entire life to You. Please keep Your eyes upon me, and grant me True Christianity someday. If I am not meant to be a wife and mother, please help Mother and Father find a suitable housekeeping or cook position for me. Your pleasure is my only goal. Again, I love You. Praise You. Oh bless the Lord, my soul, His mercies bear in mind, forget not all His benefits, the Lord to thee is kind. NRL
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  #8  
Old 12-24-2013, 04:41 AM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Actually, Jesus, I know I said I wasn't going to bug You with specific questions, but...

We've got some midterm elections coming up. I've been praying and praying, trying to understand why it was Your will that so many bad things would be allowed to happen during the 2012 elections, but all I can come up with is that You were displeased with the Republican party because our leadership did not do enough to suppress the black vote stop voter fraud.

If we work extra hard to do better this year, do You think maybe You could see Your way clear to allowing the GOP to have some victories?

I'm sorry for asking, but I know a lot of Republicans who've been really despondent, and I'm sure it would pull some of them out of their depression.

Thank You.
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  #9  
Old 12-24-2013, 01:26 PM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

When are you you going to return to us?

It's getting mighty gay on Earth, these days

Did you know they have communal showers, these days? I have to keep a keen eye on my Nephew when he changes for swimming to keep him safe from perverts.

You would be shocked.

YIY
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Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Old 12-24-2013, 04:01 PM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

This years war on Christmas is over! CHRISTMAS WINS AGAIN! CHRISTMAS WINS AGAIN! SHOUT GLORY!

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Old 12-24-2013, 04:05 PM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Well that settles it, atheists.
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Old 12-24-2013, 04:08 PM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Jesus, since I am one of your favorite creations, would you mind helping me move this weekend? It would hardly be work with the two of us doing it.
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Old 12-24-2013, 04:11 PM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Hey, Jesus, I'm still waiting for my DEWALT 10-Inch Double-Bevel Sliding Compound Miter-Saw.
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Old 12-25-2013, 12:34 AM
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Default Re: A freindly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

I'd never joo Jesus!

As always Jesus, I have your six.

(btw - While the Cicada invasion was fun last June, it was not quite the same as full blown petulance and locusts. I hate to be a whiner but could you do better this year?)
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Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Old 12-25-2013, 12:46 AM
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Default Re: A friendly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

My Lord, what is the deal with You allowing poor George Zimmerman to be arrested for pointing a shotgun at his ex? Are You testing him the way You tested Job?

This is so inspiring!
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Old 12-25-2013, 07:59 PM
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Default Re: A friendly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Less whining and more Praising, people.
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Old 12-25-2013, 09:10 PM
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Default Re: A friendly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
Less whining and more Praising, people.
Jesus Christ, but you're a swell fella. I just love the way you let those sinners know they are going to get theirs.

Just thinking about your mouth sword fills me with courage to stand up to those dirty queers and tell them just how much you hate them.

From your blonde hair, blue eyes, clean limbs to your muscular thighs you are the bestest thing their ever was.

I love you, Jesus. I can't wait for you to kill me. I don't care how much pain I'm in or how many of my loved one's you brutalise before my very eyes, before I die.

You are the only thing in my life that makes any sense: my wife left me but I still love you: I lost my job but I still love you: I've been beaten and abused about the face and mouth but I still love you.

Only you would would love me enough to test my faith with that infection that time.

I love you Jesus. I really do.

All the best.

YIY
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1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Old 12-26-2013, 03:33 AM
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Default Re: A friendly CHRISTmas reminder - for My sake

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
Less whining and more Praising, people.
Oh Sweet Jesus,

I love You so very much with all of my heart, mind, and soul. You are so very beautiful Lord, with Your piercing blue eyes and flowing blonde hair. I think of You every waking moment, and You are in my dreams as well. I am on my knees now eagerly waiting for You to fill me with Your flowing love again.

Thank You precious Savior, for everything that You have done for me and what You will do for me. You are very special to me Lord. I have a lot of love for You. I think of You all the time. Thank You so much for Your beautiful love Lord. I really do love feeling Your presence and being touched by You in places no one else can reach.

You temporarily committed suicide on the cross for me Lord because You love me so very much and I thank You for Your love and I know You really do care a great deal for me. Your gift of redeeming blood has cleansed me of the filthy sin whose foul stench makes Your Father wretch with the dry heaves. I adore You a great deal too and I love You so very much. So. Very. Much!!!

Lord, between You and I, we will not let anything come in between Us. I have invited You to come into me, and You were so eager to do so. The enemy tried to tear Us apart the other day, but it didn't work because neither of Us will allow it to happen. We are coupled forever. You are mine and I am Yours forever and nothing can stop that. Oh Lord, how I love You. I cannot stop saying I love You ever because I really do. Really and truly I do.

Love,


Mark.
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And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.

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