The Landover Baptist Church
Like us or burn

Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Church Forums > Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum

Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-19-2014, 11:34 PM
Alphonse Alban's Avatar
Alphonse Alban Alphonse Alban is offline
Apostle to the Samites and Laplander Eskimos.
 

Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus True Christian™ Ex-Masturbator Flat Earth Tell her once Bronze Tither Christian Love Porn Resistant Iceland Honorary Ex-Eskimo Pro-Life Public Awareness Medal Punched the most queers Persecuted One Year/1000 posts Ex-Scandinavian TC Bravery Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Surrounded by feral eskimos.
Posts: 5,236
Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Unhappy Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

The other night I was teaching my sons some Christian math by proving that universe is 6000 years old by counting genealogy from the Bible. After we finished our studies, I put my calculator back to my work desk drawer.

Now that I turned it on again, I noticed that I had received a message from the LORD through my calculator. What can this mean?
I am happily married and I am totally not gay, everybody knows this.
Yes, I have been lately watching MMA, body building and various types of gay porn but all this in totally non gaysexual way. I only used it to study the lingo of these gaysexual people so I could be more efficient when I witnessing at them in their hangout spots.

Has some hateful atheist been praying on my behalf or something? Of course, one time when I was performing my Christian duty with my wife I accidentally touched my erected tallywhacker and I have to confess that once I touched anus when my finger went through toilet paper. Could these gaysexual acts have damned my soul into hell? What should I do?
Attached Images
 
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 01-19-2014, 11:36 PM
Pastor Ezekiel's Avatar
Pastor Ezekiel Pastor Ezekiel is offline
Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
 

One Year/1000 posts Ribfest '09 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Saved 1 Year Long service medal, 3rd class Christian Love True Christian™ The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking Real American™ True Heterosexual™ Tithing Manager 2008 Witch Hunt Award Gunfest '09 Senior Pastor Mission to Australia Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus The Lord’s Witness Wound Home Schooled Punched the most queers TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Jailed for JESUS Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Teabag Patriot 20,000 posts Friend of Jesus 2010 Witch Hunt Award Flat Earth 50,000 posts Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Mission to Japan Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Christian Provider™ award True Scientist™ Eats the Most Pork 2011 Witch Hunt Award Outreach preacher Special Mission (North Korea) Golden Bear Award True Republican Batman Shooting Survivor Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! WisconSIN Shooting survivor Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club In Love With Zeke Bear Prayer Warrior 2012 Witch Hunt Award Man of the Year True Christian Hotrodder Paula Deen Negro Support Group Gator Touched by Jesus 75,000 posts Man of the Year 

Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
Posts: 75,646
Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Pastor Ezekiel will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Could be you got a demonic one. Is it still under warranty? I'm pretty sure that they'll send you a new one, if you explain what happened.
__________________
Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-20-2014, 12:15 AM
Mark L. Snyde, PhD's Avatar
Mark L. Snyde, PhD Mark L. Snyde, PhD is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

Protected by JESUS Friend of Jesus True Christian™ Heaven Bound Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Tell her once Porn Resistant Prayer Warrior True Christian Hotrodder Christian Love Touched by Jesus One Year/1000 posts Real American™ TC Bravery Teabag Patriot Flat Earth Sons of Liberty Kirk Cameron Fan Club Persecuted Paula Deen Negro Support Group Truck Stop Ministry Member Early riser Guns, Guts and GLORY! 

Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Following The Rules
Posts: 1,280
Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Mark L. Snyde, PhD is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Could be you got a demonic one. Is it still under warranty? I'm pretty sure that they'll send you a new one, if you explain what happened.
Pastor Zeke, the TI-85 was popular around 20 years ago...so I doubt it would still be under warranty.

I think Jesus is warning Brother Alphonse about future events. Perhaps all the MMA viewing has infested his mind and potentially creating an opening through which Satan may penetrate. I think Jesus is saying to gird up, Brother:

Quote:
Ephesians 6:11 (1611 King James Bible)

Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the deuill.
__________________


I Kings 7:23

And he made a moulten Sea, ten cubites from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, & his height was fiue cubits: and a line of thirtie cubites did compasse it round about.

New here? Desiring to be pleasing in the eyes of The Lord and His Followers?

Then do as directed by our esteemed Pastors and head on over to the Introductions subforum and make your first post there, friend. Tell us what church you go to and what your favorite Bible verse is and how you came to find Jesus. Anything else you want to share with us about how Jesus has blessed you is welcomed too.

Are you a hater of God that believes He is a morally bankrupt monster? Read Why, you ask, is God so angry? to see that it is in fact you that is the monster that mercilessly and infinitely torments God.

Stop this relentless torturing of God and accept Jesus today!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-20-2014, 12:42 AM
Godfly's Avatar
Godfly Godfly is offline
Descended from Rapes
True Christian™

True Christian Caucasian Ready for the Rapture Ex-Masturbator Protected by JESUS Real American™ Heaven Bound True Christian™ Christian Love TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Saved 1 Year One Year/1000 posts Tell her once Porn Resistant Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Teabag Patriot Persecuted Punched the most queers Sons of Liberty Super Soaker Baptism Award Persecuted Pro-Life True Republican Ready for the Rapture Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Hatchet Child Rearing Award Truck Stop Ministry Member Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus Jailed for JESUS Ex-rape victim 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold Bible Campground and RV Park.
Posts: 1,464
Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Godfly will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

People mistook me for a queer sexual because of my purple sox. So I had Paster Zeke cast the demons out of them. Best 725 bucks I ever spent.
__________________
Leviticus 13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-20-2014, 03:19 PM
Johny Joe Hold's Avatar
Johny Joe Hold Johny Joe Hold is offline
Mayor of Freehold
True Christian™

Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian™ Christian Love Real American™ True Christian Caucasian TC Bravery Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once One Year/1000 posts Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Mayor True Republican Teabag Patriot Ex-liberal Saved 1 Year Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Eats the Most Pork Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: City Hall, Freehold, Iowa
Posts: 3,887
Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Johny Joe Hold will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Godfly View Post
People mistook me for a queer sexual because of my purple sox. So I had Paster Zeke cast the demons out of them. Best 725 bucks I ever spent.

What a Holy Man is that Pastor Zeke. He all but gives his time to save our lives.
__________________
Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-20-2014, 04:52 PM
Wide-Open's Avatar
Wide-Open Wide-Open is online now
Director of European Evangelical Outreach
A Shining Example of Christ's Love
Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
 

One Year/1000 posts Saved 1 Year 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College True Christian™ Real American™ Christian Love Tithing Manager Heaven Bound Tagging for Jesus TC Bravery Mission to Australia Protected by JESUS Pastor of GOD Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award True Christian Nerd True Christian Hotrodder Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Senior Pastor Teabag Patriot Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Mission to Las Vegas True Republican Ex-eurotrash Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: A frictional country
Posts: 18,625
Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Wide-Open will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

I'm not an expert, but Brother... did you perhaps accidentally press the "SIN" button?
__________________
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-20-2014, 08:49 PM
godwilling1 godwilling1 is offline
Unsaved trash
Under Investigation
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 5
godwilling1 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.godwilling1 is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

It seems to me that you may have typed that message to yourself, because I studied computer science, and the calculator does not just do that on its own. Also, the bible never uses the word fag, so im pretty suspect as to your religious vigor, you may be a heathen. You need to repent, get saved again, because you will be going to hell if you dont. I can help you with that. Message me.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-20-2014, 09:56 PM
Alphonse Alban's Avatar
Alphonse Alban Alphonse Alban is offline
Apostle to the Samites and Laplander Eskimos.
 

Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus True Christian™ Ex-Masturbator Flat Earth Tell her once Bronze Tither Christian Love Porn Resistant Iceland Honorary Ex-Eskimo Pro-Life Public Awareness Medal Punched the most queers Persecuted One Year/1000 posts Ex-Scandinavian TC Bravery Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Surrounded by feral eskimos.
Posts: 5,236
Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark L. Snyde, PhD View Post
Pastor Zeke, the TI-85 was popular around 20 years ago...so I doubt it would still be under warranty.
Of course it still has warranty. TI-85 is the last model made under direct supervision of that time governor of Texas, Godly George W. Each one from that line has been approved by the chosen one himself, so they are True Christians™ of calculators. Despite satanic SIN button.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Godfly View Post
People mistook me for a queer sexual because of my purple sox. So I had Paster Zeke cast the demons out of them. Best 725 bucks I ever spent.
I think you are right. I might have to ask Zeke to exorcise that calculator and my finger of sin. Maybe my tallywhacker and anus as well just in case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by godwilling1 View Post
It seems to me that you may have typed that message to yourself, because I studied computer science, and the calculator does not just do that on its own. Also, the bible never uses the word fag, so im pretty suspect as to your religious vigor, you may be a heathen.
Read again, no one here said that calculator did it on it's own. Message was typed by Jesus. On that other matter, Bible does not mention anal sex either. This just proves that it was a direct message from the LORD, not just some random Bible quote. Leviticus 18:22 just made His point clear.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 01-21-2014, 12:10 AM
see_the_light see_the_light is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus True Christian Caucasian Nuts for JESUS! One Year/1000 posts 

Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,375
see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark L. Snyde, PhD View Post
I think Jesus is warning Brother Alphonse about future events. Perhaps all the MMA viewing has infested his mind and potentially creating an opening through which Satan may penetrate. I think Jesus is saying to gird up, Brother:
That posits a very interesting question...

when we talk about all who are truly born again (as all TRUE CHRISTIANS), we rightly say they are eternally saved and kept by the power of God.

Could his keeping take this form?

PRAY TO JESUS!
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-21-2014, 12:29 AM
Gayassburger (Quarantined) Gayassburger is offline
Unsaved trash, retarded queer
Landover Habilitation and Therapy Unit (For those unfit to mix with the normal public)
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: In pastor Ezekiels bed.
Posts: 16
Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Cause you are gay, embrace it!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 01-21-2014, 12:32 AM
see_the_light see_the_light is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus True Christian Caucasian Nuts for JESUS! One Year/1000 posts 

Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,375
see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gayasperger View Post
Cause you are gay, embrace it!
Who let the loony out?

PRAY TO JESUS!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-21-2014, 06:35 PM
Alphonse Alban's Avatar
Alphonse Alban Alphonse Alban is offline
Apostle to the Samites and Laplander Eskimos.
 

Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus True Christian™ Ex-Masturbator Flat Earth Tell her once Bronze Tither Christian Love Porn Resistant Iceland Honorary Ex-Eskimo Pro-Life Public Awareness Medal Punched the most queers Persecuted One Year/1000 posts Ex-Scandinavian TC Bravery Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Surrounded by feral eskimos.
Posts: 5,236
Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gayassburger View Post
Cause you are gay, embrace it!
People are so lazy these days. Another one who did not read the original post
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-21-2014, 07:45 PM
Zechariah Smyth's Avatar
Zechariah Smyth Zechariah Smyth is online now
Walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless.
 

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Tell her once Flat Earth Real American™ True Christian™ Christian Love The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Tin Tither True Christian Provider™ award Porn Resistant Persecuted Pro-Life Teabag Patriot 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College One Year/1000 posts Ex-Gay Eats the Most Pork Saved 1 Year True Republican 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Sons of Liberty Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Thong-infested Florida©
Posts: 12,982
Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Zechariah Smyth will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Despite the unsettling message, I think we can all agree that yet another miracle has occurred that Jesus-haters will have a very difficult time explaining.

GOD WINS AGAIN!!!

__________________
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-21-2014, 11:51 PM
see_the_light see_the_light is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus True Christian Caucasian Nuts for JESUS! One Year/1000 posts 

Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,375
see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Mark 1:3

The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight.


PRAISE THE LORD!
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 01-23-2014, 09:35 PM
Alphonse Alban's Avatar
Alphonse Alban Alphonse Alban is offline
Apostle to the Samites and Laplander Eskimos.
 

Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus True Christian™ Ex-Masturbator Flat Earth Tell her once Bronze Tither Christian Love Porn Resistant Iceland Honorary Ex-Eskimo Pro-Life Public Awareness Medal Punched the most queers Persecuted One Year/1000 posts Ex-Scandinavian TC Bravery Eats the Most Pork True Republican Ex-eurotrash 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College 3rd Year Bible College 4th Year Bible College Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Surrounded by feral eskimos.
Posts: 5,236
Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Alphonse Alban will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zechariah Smyth View Post
Despite the unsettling message, I think we can all agree that yet another miracle has occurred that Jesus-haters will have a very difficult time explaining.

GOD WINS AGAIN!!!

I know brother, this is yet another undeniable proof that God exist and I am really happy that He decided to talk to me.
It's just that this is the first time Jesus has ever spoken to me directly so I guess I secretly wished for some more uplifting message. Ah well, God moves in mysterious ways.

GLORY!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 01-23-2014, 09:54 PM
see_the_light see_the_light is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus True Christian Caucasian Nuts for JESUS! One Year/1000 posts 

Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,375
see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alphonse Alban View Post
I know brother, this is yet another undeniable proof that God exist and I am really happy that He decided to talk to me.
It's just that this is the first time Jesus has ever spoken to me directly so I guess I secretly wished for some more uplifting message. Ah well, God moves in mysterious ways.

GLORY!
If GOD thinks that the right message for you is to warn you of your weakness, then who are we to outguess HIM.

Now that I started connecting the dots, was not that message very close to your finding your purple socks? Could JESUS be warning you that you have chosen too dangerous a path to serve HIM?

As for your wishes, may I quote JESUS HIMSELF?

Mark 14:36

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

If GOD decided that the right message for you was a cupcake recipe, then you should feel most honored, being personaly addressed by GOD is as good as it gets.

PRAISE THE LORD!
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 01-23-2014, 10:02 PM
Dr Laurence Niles's Avatar
Dr Laurence Niles Dr Laurence Niles is online now
Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
 

Protected by JESUS Heaven Bound Ready for the Rapture True Christian™ Real American™ Ex-Masturbator True Christian Caucasian Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Porn Resistant Pro-Life Christian Love One Year/1000 posts True Republican Ex-Brit Ex-eurotrash Eats the Most Pork Super Soaker Baptism Award Gold Tither True Christian Provider™ award Batman Shooting Survivor True Scientist™ Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Truck Stop Ministry Member Prayer Warrior Divorcee The Lord’s Witness Wound Punched the most queers Paula Deen Negro Support Group Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
Posts: 6,712
Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Dr Laurence Niles will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alphonse Alban View Post
The other night I was teaching my sons some Christian math by proving that universe is 6000 years old by counting genealogy from the Bible. After we finished our studies, I put my calculator back to my work desk drawer.

Now that I turned it on again, I noticed that I had received a message from the LORD through my calculator. What can this mean?
I am happily married and I am totally not gay, everybody knows this.
Yes, I have been lately watching MMA, body building and various types of gay porn but all this in totally non gaysexual way. I only used it to study the lingo of these gaysexual people so I could be more efficient when I witnessing at them in their hangout spots.

Has some hateful atheist been praying on my behalf or something? Of course, one time when I was performing my Christian duty with my wife I accidentally touched my erected tallywhacker and I have to confess that once I touched anus when my finger went through toilet paper. Could these gaysexual acts have damned my soul into hell? What should I do?
I hate to say this but have you thought a more obvious answer than Jesus personally typed in those words for you?

That's right: one of your son's is gay. Or has been anally raped by a family friend or mentor.

Jesus has your back, friend. You need to see to your sons. Before it is too late.

On a lighter note, I'm available for private one to one counselling with the youth who turns out to have been up to anal antics to help bend him into shape (and I'll waiver the normal initial consultation fee).

YIC
__________________
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 01-23-2014, 10:07 PM
see_the_light see_the_light is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

True Christian™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Ready for the Rapture Friend of Jesus True Christian Caucasian Nuts for JESUS! One Year/1000 posts 

Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,375
see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.see_the_light is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles View Post
On a lighter note, I'm available for private one to one counselling with the youth who turns out to have been up to anal antics to help bend him into shape (and I'll waiver the normal initial consultation fee).
Don't spare the rod, remember you'd be the only thing between that hairless, slender catamite and satan's priapic barbed wired tally-waker!

Make him cry under the rod until the demons spurt out of his anus and he's ready to receive JESUS's redeeming presence.

PRAISE THE LORD!
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 01-24-2014, 01:10 AM
Gayassburger (Quarantined) Gayassburger is offline
Unsaved trash, retarded queer
Landover Habilitation and Therapy Unit (For those unfit to mix with the normal public)
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: In pastor Ezekiels bed.
Posts: 16
Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Gayassburger is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Oh, Do not twist my words. I never once said i was a god hater. I believe what -i- want to believe. That's enough for anything. I'm not sitting in a church and letting some man tell me how i should live -my- life. I live it how god intended, to be me.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 01-24-2014, 02:30 AM
Didymus Much's Avatar
Didymus Much Didymus Much is offline
Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
 

Hellbound Heathen Atheist Cancer on Society hippie Caution - Poster is Crazy Evilution Perv 

Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: chillin' in the spring (c'mon sunshine)
Posts: 8,052
Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Why does God think I'm a gaysexual?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gayassburger View Post
Oh, Do not twist my words. I never once said i was a god hater. I believe what -i- want to believe. That's enough for anything. I'm not sitting in a church and letting some man tell me how i should live -my- life. I live it how god intended, to be me.
Hmmph, I guess asking which orifice "god" speaks to you from will have to wait until you're out of quarantine.
__________________
1 Corinthians 1:27 "But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;" The Bible confounds me; does that mean...
“A universe simple enough to be understood is too simple to produce a mind capable of understanding it.” — John David Barrow, FRS
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
jesus, predestination, sodomite, texas, twerking

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here

The information presented here is Biblically accurate. Opinions concerning the technical difficulties, fitness requirements, safety, and ratings of self-crucifixion, flagellation, stoning, destroying enemies of GOD utterly, without mercy, and other activities inherent in Christianity are subjective and may differ from yours or others' opinions; therefore be warned that you must exercise your own judgment as to the difficulty and your ability to safely protect yourself from the inherent risks and dangers. Do not use the information provided on this site unless you are a True Christian ™ who understands and accepts the risks of participating in these activities. Landover Baptist Church makes reasonable efforts to include accurate and up to date information on this website, errors or omissions sometimes occur, therefore the information contained on here is provided "as is" and without warranties of any kind either expressed or implied. Viewing, reading, or any other use of the information contained within this web site is purely the voluntary will of the viewer or user. You, 'the viewer' or 'user' shall not hold the publisher, owner, authors or other contributors of The Jesus Experience responsible for any incidents related directly or indirectly to the Experience. Landover Baptist Church, et. al., assumes no liability or responsibility for your actions.


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:26 AM.


Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1999, 2009 all rights reserved