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  #21  
Old 03-11-2014, 10:30 PM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

The birthday was a disaster. The candles she made were horrible (she used ear wax for those) and when the festivities required her to be stoned by the children, she started throwing the stones back! I don't think anyone is going to miss the Wilson's kid, but it completely ruined my grandchild's birthday.

But it gets even worse, way worse. For some reason she and my neighbor Mrs. Johnson seem to like each other. Your mother-in-law now actually lives there so now I have two highly annoying women as neighbors.

When can you come and get her back? If you could also take Mrs. Johnson I would be much obliged.
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  #22  
Old 03-12-2014, 01:24 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Could she be a candidate for Pastor Zeke's Raise The Dead project?

A successful trial on the half dead would boost confidence and create momentum.
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  #23  
Old 03-12-2014, 03:17 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post

When can you come and get her back? If you could also take Mrs. Johnson I would be much obliged.
Sorry, no returns. She was sold as-is.

But it sounds like the old girl has gone rogue...
Hmmm...two old women living in the same house...smacks of bulldykery to me! And they are probably practicing witchcraft as well. It seems to me that one might have probable cause to implement the mandates of Leviticus, if one could get away with it under the nose of secular law enforcement.

Heck, if you can instigate an angry Christian mob into righteous action, I'll be there for the party with a pitchfork, 50 gallons of diesel fuel, and bells on.

Let me know!
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  #24  
Old 03-12-2014, 08:16 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by Witch Hammer View Post
Sorry, no returns. She was sold as-is.
I was considering to mention Romans 13:7-10 but then I realized I didn't have to pay for her. You are as shrewd as in Luke 16:1-15. I have to applaud you for that, you clearly outsmarted me. Ever considered running for congress?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Witch Hammer View Post
Heck, if you can instigate an angry Christian mob into righteous action, I'll be there for the party with a pitchfork, 50 gallons of diesel fuel, and bells on.
I have been trying that for years. Unfortunately as soon as I mention it's for Mrs. Johnson, everyone suddenly has other obligations ranging from emigrating to another continent to dying on the spot. I tried it myself a few times but she is always hidden somewhere making it impossible to shoot her from a distance and she seems to have an unlimited supply of annoying dogs making it impossible to come close. I shot so many of those dog that the dead dogs are the primary source of nutrition for the living dogs. I burned down her house a few times but she always find somewhere to hide while her house is being rebuild. I even tried selling her house but she keeps removing the for sale signs. I also tried getting the IRS involved but they hang up immediately when I mention my name. Apparently they still remember I accidentally shot an IRS agent a few years ago.
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  #25  
Old 03-12-2014, 11:09 PM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Aye, there be witchery afoot...and witches are a wiley lot. I think that is why torturing them after they're finally captured is so gratifying. There have been instances when I, after having recieved a full confession in record time, have started backtracking, just to prolong the inquisition. "Are you sure you're a witch? Are you really, really sure?". It usually comes full circle, and they start swearing up and down that they are not a witch again, and I must start all over....which suits me fine. Doing God's work is never boring!

I don't know how to eradicate your problem with the old hags, other than to suggest that you sit back, relax and let Jesus do the wetwork....He'll get them in due time! Our Lord is nothing if not tenacious!
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  #26  
Old 03-12-2014, 11:38 PM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

As a Christian soldier, I humbly offer my services as a forward observer. I don't really have any other irons in the fire presently, and I am great at recon.

If you can supply me with a lightweight sub-machine gun, a half dozen fragmentation grenades and one of those cool Rambo knives in case I encounter any resistance, that would be real helpful.

In addition, some digital camo BDUs (size 9 months), a pair of black Granimals combat boots, and a bitchin black bandana with skull and crossbones motif would also be great. And a nice assortment of MREs. And $10,000.00 in cash.
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  #27  
Old 03-12-2014, 11:52 PM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ex-Primordial Dwarf View Post
As a Christian soldier, I humbly offer my services as a forward observer. I don't really have any other irons in the fire presently, and I am great at recon.

If you can supply me with a lightweight sub-machine gun, a half dozen fragmentation grenades and one of those cool Rambo knives in case I encounter any resistance, that would be real helpful.

In addition, some digital camo BDUs (size 9 months), a pair of black Granimals combat boots, and a bitchin black bandana with skull and crossbones motif would also be great. And a nice assortment of MREs. And $10,000.00 in cash.
Be still, Dwarf! The situation is well in hand!

Even so, you are a plucky little fellow. It is almost ashame that you should be cast into the fire everlasting. It would be novel to have you in Heaven to gawk and marvel at...I'll see if I can convince Jesus during my next prayer session, but don't hold your breath!
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  #28  
Old 03-17-2014, 12:58 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by Witch Hammer View Post


The mother-in-law just can't pull the cart anymore. She tries to help the wife in the kitchen, God bless her, but frankly, beating her for leaving spots on the drinking glasses isn't nearly as satisfying as it was a couple years ago when she was only 98.

I am only asking $10.00 American for her. I'm sure she could probably be of some use still, maybe as a practice dummy for young Christian man-children to hone their wife-correction techniques on, or you could just roll her wheel-chair in the corner and let her draw off flies from the rest of the house during the summer, if she lasts that long.

If anyone is interested, let me know. I am not firm on the price, and am open to negotiation. Serious offers only, please.
My youngest son will be 8 next month. Maybe I ought buy her as a practice target for him. Do you think you could do 7.50?
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  #29  
Old 03-17-2014, 02:19 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

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Originally Posted by Dipper Man View Post
My youngest son will be 8 next month. Maybe I ought buy her as a practice target for him. Do you think you could do 7.50?
You need to ask Cranky Old Man that question. He owns her now. Based on his remarks, though, I suspect he might be open to your offer.

(If she's still breathing).

Unless, of course, Brother Witch Hammer has another grandmother on sale.
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  #30  
Old 04-18-2014, 12:13 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?
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  #31  
Old 04-18-2014, 12:18 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by curious1 View Post
Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?
No, it would not.

The passage you refer to addresses illegal killing. In other words, while the Lord often bids us to kill His enemies, we are not to settle personal scores with murder.
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  #32  
Old 04-18-2014, 12:18 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

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Originally Posted by curious1 View Post
Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?
Don't let it get you down. When the LORD calls his own home - or perhaps in the case of Witch Hammer's mother-in-law, when He decides your time to choose between Redemption and Damnation has come to an end - nothing can prevent that. She could be hit by a bus, slip on a banana peel, fall down a flight of stairs, or have an accident during a father-son game of catch-the-stone. The point is, God is Sovereign and knows when her time is up.

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  #33  
Old 04-18-2014, 06:40 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

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Originally Posted by curious1 View Post
Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?
She'd been dead inside for years anyhow, when I sold her to good brother COM. Although she seems to have escaped captivity shortly after he pried open her shipping crate, I have no doubt Jesus will hunt her down and kill her when He sees fit, if He hasn't already.

Lord, but I just had a terrible vision! I just imagined the old girl, puppet dancing at the end of satan's string that she is, summoning some inner daemonic strength and slowly but surely working her way cross-country back to the Hammer Family Compound, feeding on rats and drinking from filth-strewn drainage ditches to stay alive...ever circling her way back home like some gaunt, wretched vulture.

What a nauseating thought! Well, if she turns up it won't be the first time I've set the hounds on her, but it will be the last!
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  #34  
Old 04-18-2014, 07:00 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Unless God specifically says to kill her, you can't , right ? Because you didn't mention her being gay or a witch, so what basis do you have in the Bible to kill her?
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  #35  
Old 04-18-2014, 07:24 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by curious1 View Post
Unless God specifically says to kill her, you can't , right ? Because you didn't mention her being gay or a witch, so what basis do you have in the Bible to kill her?
Well, she did have a small herb garden when she was younger. She grew some malodorous pagan things like rosemary, sage and oregano. Her husband let her slide by merely beating her severely, throwing her down a flight of stairs, and chaining her up in the crawl-space under the house for a couple months, thereby securing himself a place in hell. His mercy toward her was totally unwarranted and flew directly in the face of God's commandment on the subject. Exodus 22:18

Aside from that, I can't be responsible for what the hounds will do to her if she pops back up one day...my hands are clean!
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  #36  
Old 04-18-2014, 07:27 AM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by curious1 View Post
Wouldn't stoning her or using her for target practice violate "Thou shall not kill"?
Christians are not vigilantes

Romans 13:2 Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.
Romans 13:3 For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil. Wilt thou then not be afraid of the power? do that which is good, and thou shalt have praise of the same:
Romans 13:4 For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain: for he is the minister of God, a revenger to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil.
Romans 13:5 Wherefore ye must needs be subject, not only for wrath, but also for conscience sake.
Romans 13:6 For for this cause pay ye tribute also: for they are God's ministers, attending continually upon this very thing.

Titus 3:1 Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work,

Hebrews 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

1st Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme;
1st Peter 2:14 Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.
1st Peter 2:15 For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men:

Taking the law into our own hands would make us no better than batman.

YIC
__________________
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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  #37  
Old 04-18-2014, 08:59 AM
curious1 (Quarantined) curious1 is offline
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles View Post
Christians are not vigilantes

Romans 13:2 Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.
Romans 13:3 For rulers are not a terror to good works, but to the evil. Wilt thou then not be afraid of the power? do that which is good, and thou shalt have praise of the same:
Romans 13:4 For he is the minister of God to thee for good. But if thou do that which is evil, be afraid; for he beareth not the sword in vain: for he is the minister of God, a revenger to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil.
Romans 13:5 Wherefore ye must needs be subject, not only for wrath, but also for conscience sake.
Romans 13:6 For for this cause pay ye tribute also: for they are God's ministers, attending continually upon this very thing.

Titus 3:1 Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work,

Hebrews 13:17 Obey them that have the rule over you, and submit yourselves: for they watch for your souls, as they that must give account, that they may do it with joy, and not with grief: for that is unprofitable for you.

1st Peter 2:13 Submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the king, as supreme;
1st Peter 2:14 Or unto governors, as unto them that are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers, and for the praise of them that do well.
1st Peter 2:15 For so is the will of God, that with well doing ye may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men:

Taking the law into our own hands would make us no better than batman.

YIC
I agree with you about not taking the law into your own hands, but why do so many people talk about using someone for target practice?
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  #38  
Old 04-18-2014, 08:22 PM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by curious1 View Post
I agree with you about not taking the law into your own hands, but why do so many people talk about using someone for target practice?
If God wants the old hag to survive a gunshot wound, she will. Nothing we say or do can prevent her pre-determined fate.

Ephesians 1:11 - " In whom also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestinated according to the purpose of him who worketh all things after the counsel of his own will".
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  #39  
Old 04-18-2014, 08:52 PM
curious1 (Quarantined) curious1 is offline
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

So basically, it's okay to shoot people , because they will survive if God wants them to?
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  #40  
Old 04-18-2014, 09:08 PM
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Default Re: Antique Battle-Axe For Sale

Quote:
Originally Posted by curious1 View Post
So basically, it's okay to shoot people , because they will survive if God wants them to?
Athiests who go around shooting people will burn in hell, not necessarily for murder, but for refusing to adore Jesus. A True Christian, on the other hand, is always dead-center in the midst of God's will and can do no wrong. Do you really think any of us would take a shot at a senile old woman unless Christ gave us the green light?
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