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Promise Enforcers - Men Only! We make Promise Keepers look like homers! No homosexuals or women allowed!

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Old 11-19-2014, 10:09 AM
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Default Seeking Godly Dating Advice from True Christian Men

I am seeking God's advice related to just how many members of the weaker, less intelligent gender that I should be courting at one time. God spake unto me, saying: "Brother Larry?" and I said, "What?" and He said, "This is God." and I said, "Yes, I recognize your still, small voice." and He said, "Ask the GODLY males of Landover Baptist Church to help you with your question, since I am involved with orchestrating my soon coming."

Well, you can imagine my excitement, since I will be at the heights of happiness when my Lord comes.

So, brothers - help a young man out, if you will. Should I limit my courting to just one at a time, or should I see as many lovely ladies as possible until Jesus tells me, "This is the one."

You see, an unmarried lady just posted in the introductions; aside from her joo nose, she seems fit for childbearing but I know nothing of her cooking or cleaning skills. There is another young lady of 17 in my church that baked cookies for me last week (they were peanut butter chocolate chip with orange slice candy on top). I think this means she would be interested in me as a husband. To add still more to my conundrum, yet another lady often rides the same subway I take when I witness to the homeless that sleep there. She has looked at me more than one time, and her glance produces a stirring in my loins of which I cannot speak, only pray.

I know many of you have likely experienced the same things I now experience, and I trust True Christian™ males will be more than happy to offer advice to one not as close to God and one much less wise in the ways of the female. I ask humbly, and will take all suggestions to God in prayer.

COME, Lord Jesus!
BrotherLarry

PS: Is it wrong for me to covet Mrs Elizabeth Johnson?
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Old 11-19-2014, 10:22 AM
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Default Re: Seeking Godly Dating Advice from True Christian Men

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Originally Posted by BrotherLarry View Post
PS: Is it wrong for me to covet Mrs Elizabeth Johnson?
Yes. Matthew 5:27-28 27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Regarding the other women, you should seek out the father of the most favoured one, and ask her father for permission to date his daughter. If one refuses, you can always try the next in line, etc. A woman does not decide on these matters; it is her father who decides.
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Old 11-20-2014, 12:47 AM
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Default Re: Seeking Godly Dating Advice from True Christian Men

If it is courting you are looking for, find yourself a proper True Christian™ lady, approach her father, and, providing he finds you acceptable, negotiate a bride-price. Don't fret overmuch with the price, as you will usually recoup your losses and then some with her dowry.

The thrifty way isn't so thrifty any more. You'll need to identify a suitable female from a race of our traditional enemies, then claim her as your own. Counterproductive laws and ridiculous 'human rights' issues make this a far less appealing means of acquisition than it was historically. Should you choose this route you are going to need means of acquiring her without being seen as well as an isolated location where through means of physical stimulus, emotional upheaval, isolation, information filtering, and indoctrination you can make a proper wife out of her. Cynics and bleeding heart liberals call this Stockholm Syndrome, but I like to think of it as beneficial outlook modification therapy.

For a nominal token fee I would be pleased to provide my expert assistance with the latter scenario.
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