The Landover Baptist Church
Like us or burn

Go Back   The Landover Baptist Church Forum > Church Forums > Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum

Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 02-14-2014, 03:27 PM
Dr. Laurie PHD's Avatar
Dr. Laurie PHD Dr. Laurie PHD is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

Mother of 1 boy or 2.5 girls True Scientist™ Long service medal, 3rd class 

Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 92
Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™Dr. Laurie PHD is a True Christian™
Question Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

What Would Jesus Do With Dr. Laurie

Quote:
Dear Dr. Laurie, PhD:

I have a condition called Coeliac disease and requires that I be on a gluten-free diet. That means that I can't eat wheat, which communion wafers are made from.

I'd like to move to Freehold and join your wonderful congregation, but I need to know friendly it is to my special needs. Does your church service include the Eucharist? If it does, are gluten-free communion wafers available?

Bless You,
NotSeedy
NotSeedy, you will no doubt be pleased to learn that we do NOT do that blasphemous wine and death-cracker cannabalism ritual. Nowhere in The Last Supper does Jesus command future generations to get tipsy on glorified mouthwash and swallow a symbolic slice of the Savior's salami.

The answer they've never given me, is, exactly what body-part are they supposed to be eating, anyway? It's too small in diameter to be a slice of his thumb, too big to be a slice of his wrist, and there's no bone. No, there's only one boneless, sliceable body-part it could be, but I won't go there.

Read for yourself what the Bible says about the Last Supper: (Mt. 26:17-30, Mk. 14:12-26, Lk. 22:7-39 and Jn. 13:1-17:26). He even said it four times (Jesus tended to say everything four times with different wording, just to be certain everybody could understand) Is there anyplace in that scripture where the almighty claims that he wanted to see future generations treat him as some kind of gingerbread man?

Quote:

Jesus, as seen by Eucharist-believers.
Now, when you believe insane blasphemy that that, it's only a small leap to gluten-free insane blasphemy.

So, which body part of Christ is the gluten-free one? Is it his left buttock that's made of rice, or the right?

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), United Methodist, Christian Reformed, Episcopal, and Lutheran churches/covens believe this.

Catholics are currently employing legions of bureaucrats to answer this problem - and not one of them has noticed that, according to Catholic Church Dogma, when the wheat cracker hits the stomach it transforms into human flesh. (Raw or cooked, I don't know or care). Hey geniuses, Meat is gluten-free!

However, to disprove this claim that communion gives you a belly full of human blood and body-part, all it takes is for one person to vomit after communion (the quality of their wine makes this inevitable). Heck, doing what every fashion model does and purging after communion could solve this gluten problem also. I wouldn't be surprised if at least one of the disciples were binge-and-purgers, just look at how ripped they are. How else did they stay so thin? They obviously weren't on the Atkins diet.

I myself am going to vomit if I have to keep thinking about these blasphemous, occult cannibalism rituals.

My advice to you is to quit whining about your "Coeliac disease" and suck it up. God sends plagues, to punish us when we're bad, and to test our faith when we're good. (Exodus 9:9-11 Num 14:36-37, Num 16:41-50, 2 Samuel 24:13) He even deliberately targets the digestive tract: (1 Samuel 5:6-12) It is not our lot to try to thwart God's will.

Cripples should graciously submit to the plagues that God has smitten them with. "Who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?" -- Exodus 4:11

The Bible specifically says that cripples, defined as anyone with ANY blemish, are not to approach the altar at Church:

"Whosoever ... hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;... Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries." -- Leviticus 21:17-23

Don't worry, you'll still be a allowed at the back of the church. You might want to bring binoculars, and avoid bringing any valuables that the coloreds might steal.

In my day people knew how to suffer in silence, without demanding special privileges, or trying to rewrite history by implying that Jesus also served gluten-free bread at the Last Supper. What's next, a claim that the loaves and fishes miracle involved only fish labeled dolphin-free? That the Three Wise Men brought "conflict-free" gold and "hypoallergenic" incense and "fair trade" myrrh?

Suck it up, cripple. Stop whining and start winning!

Ps. It's spelled P.H.D.
__________________
Founder and CEO Methodological Methods Labs L.L.C. Savvy doctor-shoppers shop here!

Donate to the Sacred Life Sperm Bank today! "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you". -Jeremiah 1:5, and Psalm 139:13

Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 02-14-2014 at 03:41 PM. Reason: She had a problem with her period
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 02-15-2014, 09:15 AM
Mother Of Seven Mother Of Seven is offline
True Christian™ with a quiverful

Quiverful True Christian™ Heaven Bound Friend of Jesus Hatchet Child Rearing Award Touched by Jesus Cleanest Kitchen Best stoning bucket True Christian Beauty One Year/1000 posts In Love With Zeke True Heterosexual™ TC Bravery 

Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: In the kitchen
Posts: 2,246
Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mother Of Seven will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

I was diagnosed as a coeliac when I was 18 months old and only weighed 12 lbs and was too weak to even sit up. I was on my death bed. They wouldn't even admit me to hospital because they said I'd fret, and I had no energy to fret. If I fretted, I'd die. I looked like a starving Biafran baby - all belly, and no flesh on my limbs. Once diagnosed, I started gaining weight. I must have been a very sinful baby. But once I found God, I lost my gluten intolerance! I now eat totally normally - I eat wheat bread, pies (lots of pies), everything (but not shrimps).
GLORY!!
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 02-15-2014, 01:48 PM
Jeb Stuart Thurmond's Avatar
Jeb Stuart Thurmond Jeb Stuart Thurmond is offline
Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
 

Public Awareness Medal One Year/1000 posts Long service medal, 2nd class Saved 1 Year True Christian™ Real American™ Saved 5 Years Gold Tither Heaven Bound TC Bravery TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Tagging for Jesus Teabag Patriot Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Eats the Most Pork True Republican Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Hatchet Child Rearing Award Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,948
Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mother Of Seven View Post
I now eat totally normally - I eat wheat bread, pies (lots of pies), everything (but not shrimps).
GLORY!!
With faith in the LORD you can move muffins.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Don't you shop at the UranusCo company store? I heard that long ago they replaced wheat products with cheaper alternatives. Last I heard nerve gas manufacturing byproducts are gluten-free.
__________________
Proud supporter of Anyone But Obama For President/Exorcist-in-chief 2016! REGISTER TO VOTE!

Hey Kids! Find out what happens to children who read Harry Potter!

Got questions? USE OUR SEARCH ENGINE HERE!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 02-17-2014, 10:54 PM
Sally Paulson's Avatar
Sally Paulson Sally Paulson is offline
True Christian™
True Christian™

Mother of 1 boy or 2.5 girls Teabag Patriot Silver Tither True Christian Lady True Christian™ Saved 5 Years 

Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Republic of Alaska (NOT the U.S.A.!)
Posts: 156
Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™Sally Paulson is a True Christian™
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

Hey wait, so Dr. Laurie says the Eucharist/communion thing is nonsense, but Jeb, here you are being quoted as saying it's real:
Host-Nailing Epidemic hits LA, NYC, DC

Graham Robertson, Bush Youth Middle-Eastern Correspondent

His blood be on us, and on our children - The Jews (Matthew 27:24-25)

Hollywood CA - It began when when receiver John McCarthy saw a strange shipping manifest. "My first thought was, somebody's got a fubar on their hands. 5 crates of communion wafers going to a Synogogue? And why would they need an entire pallet of nails?"

The revelations unravelled with lightning speed. A bi-curious republican congressman (who must remain anonymous for obvious reasons) reported that he saw patrons at a gay bar fondling and licking communion wafers. At JFK airport in NYC, airport security was called when a papist cardinal vomited a stomacheload of raw flesh and blood onto a stewardess. DNA analasis indicated that the flesh and blood was human.

To the average layman, this sounds like random bizaree incidents. But to the Washington DC based advocacy group Stop Cannibalism Now, all the puzzle pieces fit together.

Founder Jane Thomson explains: "Catholics regularily engage in cannibalism via transubstantiation - the host wafer during catlick mass is transformed into the body of Jesus inside the catlick stomache. However, host wafers have a history of being used for even worse purposes".

In the thirteenth century, European Jews began a movement to re-cruicify Christ. In Belitz Germany 1243, many Jews confessed to the crime under interrogation and were nuetralized. In Nuremberg, in 1298, six hundred and twenty eight Jews were pacified for the same offence. While in Deggendorf, Bavaria. the entire Jewish community was found guilty of host-nailing. Even the children were engaged in the ritual. In 1370, in Brussels, as many as five hundred were sentenced to pain compliance for the offence. Jewish confession of host-nailing continued until the late eighteenth century.

The host-nailing movement was clearly prophesized in the Bible, says Thomson.

And therefore did the Jews persecute Jesus, and sought to slay him, because he had done these things on the sabbath day - John 5:16

It has long been rumoured that Catholic church has been providing mass shipments of communion wafers to Isreal in return for the Jewish media keeping silent about various child-abuse abuse incidents of which the publically known scandal is just the tip of the iceburg. However, the movement of the host-nailing epidemic onto American soil is causing a tital wave of devastation.

Police report that car accidents have increased 20% and hospitals have noted patients dying from minor ailments. The reason is clear, says Thomson, "God is removing his protection from us."

"It would be a mistake to only blame the Jews" says Jeb Stuart Thurmond, owner of a Landover Baptist Church [News - Web Sites] franchise in Jessup County, Alabama. "We need to remember that homosexuals are also doing some host "nailing" though of a different type."

Thurmond's investigation of gay bars and clubs in major metropolital centers has found that 65% of establishments have communion wafers, and 30% of them are willing to "pimp" those wafers for less than $9.99 a half-hour.

"We have found evidence of communion wafers being inserted anally, being "sandwiched" participating in "jousting" and this is just the tip of the iceburg. We have reports from within the Vatican that special penis-shaped wafers are baked, and cardinals compete to see who can swallow the most".

He also reports that 84% of new gay porn releases contain host-nailing scenes, but that he has only reviewed 90% of new releases due to a lack of funding. "Jesus needs your donations now!" says Thurmond. "Not only has he died on the cross for you, now he is being raped and molested in Hollywood! Will you just stand there and watch? Donate to Landover Baptist Church now!"


Not that I'm trying to start a fight between you two or anything…

Oh, who am I kidding. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

__________________

Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 02-18-2014 at 12:23 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 02-18-2014, 06:22 AM
Mary Etheldreda's Avatar
Mary Etheldreda Mary Etheldreda is offline
Gushing for Jesus
 

Protected by JESUS Christian Love Heaven Bound Ready for the Rapture Cleanest Kitchen Ex-Mary Worshipper True Christian™ Real American™ True Christian Caucasian Persecuted Pro-Life Most Obedient Friend of Jesus True Christian Homemaker True Christian Beauty 1st Year Bible College 2nd Year Bible College True Republican Mother of 1 boy or 2.5 girls Quiverful Mother of 2 boys or 5 girls Super Soaker Baptism Award 3rd Year Bible College One Year/1000 posts True Christian Lady Batman Shooting Survivor Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Proud Niglet Sponsorer Tomato Staker Hatchet Child Rearing Award Kirk Cameron Fan Club Saved 1 Year Prayer Warrior The Al E. Pistle Award for Excellence in Rebuking The Hatchet Child Rearing Award 4th Year Bible College Paula Deen Negro Support Group TC Bravery Touched by Jesus Heart of compassion Babysitter 

Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 13,867
Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Mary Etheldreda will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Laurie PHD View Post
Catholics are currently employing legions of bureaucrats to answer this problem - and not one of them has noticed that, according to Catholic Church Dogma, when the wheat cracker hits the stomach it transforms into human flesh. (Raw or cooked, I don't know or care). Hey geniuses, Meat is gluten-free!

However, to disprove this claim that communion gives you a belly full of human blood and body-part, all it takes is for one person to vomit after communion (the quality of their wine makes this inevitable). Heck, doing what every fashion model does and purging after communion could solve this gluten problem also. I wouldn't be surprised if at least one of the disciples were binge-and-purgers, just look at how ripped they are. How else did they stay so thin? They obviously weren't on the Atkins diet.

I myself am going to vomit if I have to keep thinking about these blasphemous, occult cannibalism rituals.

My children and I hand out these bags on the steps of Catholic churches when the sheeple come out of their Mass. It's a guaranteed conversation starter.


__________________
.



Proud Quiver Full Mommy To Many

(Psalm 127:3-5)


Open Invitation To Atheists: 5 Reasons To Join the Church Repent, and join us today!
Reasons To Believe (1 Peter 3:15) Logical And practical answers to a common question
Autism - the New Gay Atheists conduct a nation-wide social experiment with children - Autism.
The Truth About New Atheism Why Atheism is a Religion, And New Atheism Is Evil
Collecting Recipes For Placenta: Fetal Bread Of Life Ladies, share your recipes here for the fetal "Bread Of Life" (John 6:35)
Does God Love Me? A Biblical explanation of who God loves!



Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 02-20-2014, 01:44 AM
Trent Harvey, Jr.'s Avatar
Trent Harvey, Jr. Trent Harvey, Jr. is offline
Ex-hero, almost honorably discharged
True Christian™

True Christian™ Heaven Bound Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator True Christian Caucasian Parking Lot Tither Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Porn Resistant Eats the Most Pork True Republican Guns, Guts and GLORY! Prayer Warrior 

Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Somebody's couch
Posts: 579
Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.Trent Harvey, Jr. is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sally Paulson View Post
but Jeb, here you are being quoted as saying it's real
I'm sure he was just being quoted out of context and being metaphorical and allegorical and poetic and stuff.

The fight I want to see is between the churches that drink alcoholic communion wine and the Mormon grape-juice communionists.

Get your act together guys: what part of Jesus' body contains the real wine, and what part contained the grape juice? If He bleeds from a certain point will grape Kool-ade come out, and Grape Crush from another?

Oh no, don't stress out on this, it's not like messing this stuff up with result in you losing eternal bliss and being sent into eternal damnation. Oh. Wait. IT DOES!
__________________
Founder and CEO of Trickle-Down Charities™, LLC.

Current Project: Bedmates For Billionaires: Biblical eldercare straight from King David
Goal:
$500,000 Currently raised: $0.11 DONATE NOW! Yes, we accept Biblecoins!

P.S. Quit asking us dumb questions, USE THE SEARCH ENGINE FIRST!

True Christians™ believe they they exist to serve the Bible-revealed will of God.
False Christians believe the Bible exists to serve their will. GOD IS NOT YOUR YES-MAN!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-04-2014, 12:10 PM
_The Earthling_ _The Earthling_ is offline
2010: A Space Idiocy
 

Gold Tither Caution - Poster is Crazy UFO Caution - Poster is on Drugs Caution - Poster is on Drugs 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 27
_The Earthling_ is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

Gluten-free food is a fraud. On the glycemic index gluten-free alternatives are slightly below injecting jet fuel into your eyeballs.

Not that I'm into that vampire stuff in the first place. The only blood I'm into is on the 5th moon of XzyXzzxork 8, tell the bartender you want a "5-dimentional anime nosebleed". It comes complete with handy little cocktail umbrellas (the planet has very small rainclouds). Strong stuff though, you get a vanilla-extract-hangover BEFORE you drink it.

Last edited by _The Earthling_; 03-04-2014 at 12:11 PM. Reason: Didn't actuall edit, this is just an artifact of living in 5 dimentions
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-05-2014, 01:21 PM
Jeb Stuart Thurmond's Avatar
Jeb Stuart Thurmond Jeb Stuart Thurmond is offline
Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
 

Public Awareness Medal One Year/1000 posts Long service medal, 2nd class Saved 1 Year True Christian™ Real American™ Saved 5 Years Gold Tither Heaven Bound TC Bravery TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Tagging for Jesus Teabag Patriot Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Eats the Most Pork True Republican Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Hatchet Child Rearing Award Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,948
Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

Quote:
Originally Posted by _The Earthling_ View Post
(desperate cry for help)
Tell me friend, have you been Saved™?
__________________
Proud supporter of Anyone But Obama For President/Exorcist-in-chief 2016! REGISTER TO VOTE!

Hey Kids! Find out what happens to children who read Harry Potter!

Got questions? USE OUR SEARCH ENGINE HERE!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-05-2014, 01:27 PM
_The Earthling_ _The Earthling_ is offline
2010: A Space Idiocy
 

Gold Tither Caution - Poster is Crazy UFO Caution - Poster is on Drugs Caution - Poster is on Drugs 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 27
_The Earthling_ is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
Tell me friend, have you been Saved™?
Once I slipped on a pile of kangaroo turds and landed face-first in a bucket of slightly-rancid penguin-puke, is that close enough to count?
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-05-2014, 04:30 PM
Jeb Stuart Thurmond's Avatar
Jeb Stuart Thurmond Jeb Stuart Thurmond is offline
Didn't write the Bible, just obeys it
 

Public Awareness Medal One Year/1000 posts Long service medal, 2nd class Saved 1 Year True Christian™ Real American™ Saved 5 Years Gold Tither Heaven Bound TC Bravery TC Bravery Protected by JESUS Ex-Masturbator Super Soaker Baptism Award Ready for the Rapture True Christian Caucasian Tagging for Jesus Teabag Patriot Friend of Jesus Flat Earth Tell her once Persecuted Porn Resistant Pro-Life Eats the Most Pork True Republican Sons of Liberty Loves a GODLY Chic-Fil-A Guns, Guts and GLORY! Hatchet Child Rearing Award Touched by Jesus 

Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,948
Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Jeb Stuart Thurmond will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

I'm talking about being washed in the blood of the lamb, friend.

Both your animal and your bodily fluid are incorrect.
__________________
Proud supporter of Anyone But Obama For President/Exorcist-in-chief 2016! REGISTER TO VOTE!

Hey Kids! Find out what happens to children who read Harry Potter!

Got questions? USE OUR SEARCH ENGINE HERE!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 03-05-2014, 04:53 PM
_The Earthling_ _The Earthling_ is offline
2010: A Space Idiocy
 

Gold Tither Caution - Poster is Crazy UFO Caution - Poster is on Drugs Caution - Poster is on Drugs 

Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 27
_The Earthling_ is a sinner who is given over to unnatural affections and blasphemy, and whose chances of Salvation© are limited.
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
I'm talking about being washed in the blood of the lamb, friend.
I've been:
  • splashed with the snot of the aardvark,
  • dunked in the earwax of the platypus,
  • wafted with the vart-humidity of the narwhale,
  • lightly sprinkled with the armpit-sweat of the saturnian tree-octopus,
  • sponged with the bile of the neptunian nose-goblin,
  • drizzled with the pimplejuice of a triceratops-carrot hybrid,
  • smeared with the antifreeze of several prototypes of lobsterbot,
  • globbed with the goober of the psudoneomegaglorph (though not yet in this particular space-time continuum).

Surely the benefits overlap at some point, right? Is such extreme precision really necessary?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-05-2014, 10:51 PM
Submissive wife Submissive wife is offline
Forum Member
Forum Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Time out, on the naughty step.
Posts: 31
Submissive wife has bribed people to get these reputation points.Submissive wife has bribed people to get these reputation points.Submissive wife has bribed people to get these reputation points.Submissive wife has bribed people to get these reputation points.Submissive wife has bribed people to get these reputation points.Submissive wife has bribed people to get these reputation points.Submissive wife has bribed people to get these reputation points.
Default Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

Gluten free is for gays, whores, sinners and foreigners. Read your Bible. Mark 16:18.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
big disability, blasphemy, bread, cannibalism, catholic church, communion, cripples, death cookie, episcopal church, eucharist, gluten, last supper, lutherans, meat, methodist, mormons, mormons are lying cultists

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Find Additional Forums Here

The information presented here is Biblically accurate. Opinions concerning the technical difficulties, fitness requirements, safety, and ratings of self-crucifixion, flagellation, stoning, destroying enemies of GOD utterly, without mercy, and other activities inherent in Christianity are subjective and may differ from yours or others' opinions; therefore be warned that you must exercise your own judgment as to the difficulty and your ability to safely protect yourself from the inherent risks and dangers. Do not use the information provided on this site unless you are a True Christian ™ who understands and accepts the risks of participating in these activities. Landover Baptist Church makes reasonable efforts to include accurate and up to date information on this website, errors or omissions sometimes occur, therefore the information contained on here is provided "as is" and without warranties of any kind either expressed or implied. Viewing, reading, or any other use of the information contained within this web site is purely the voluntary will of the viewer or user. You, 'the viewer' or 'user' shall not hold the publisher, owner, authors or other contributors of The Jesus Experience responsible for any incidents related directly or indirectly to the Experience. Landover Baptist Church, et. al., assumes no liability or responsibility for your actions.


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:38 AM.


Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1999, 2009 all rights reserved