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MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES! Who knows? The love of your life might be here! All the single men are GODLY and all the single ladies are virgins...........for the most part.

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Old 04-18-2014, 10:11 AM
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Default I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Attila's Wife said I should make a post here. My mom agreed. I am Bob. My mom says I am a catch. My father left the house. He left for a Catholic priest who is 27 years older than him. They know each other for a long time. My mom says all Catholics will burn in Hell because they ignore the Bible. I also collect small stones.

If you want to be my girlfriend you have to ask my mom. She wants to be sure you are not a slut before you become my girlfriend. I cannot wait to get a girlfriend. My mom says it will be any day now.

I got this list from my Pastor. They are tips from the Bible for finding a girlfriend. I hope it helps me finding a girlfriend.

1) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 21:11-13)

2) “Lay hold on” a virgin who is not betrothed to another man, and "know" her, but afterwards pay her father a sum of money. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 22:28-29)

3) Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

4) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.--Moses (Ex. 2:16-21)

5) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.--Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

6) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.--Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

7) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.--Adam (Gen. 2:19-24)

8) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife.--Jacob (Gen. 29:15-30)

9) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.--David (1 Sam. 18:27)

10) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone.--Cain (Gen. 4:16-17)

11) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.--Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

12) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”--Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

13) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.)--David (2 Sam. 11)

14) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!)--Onan and Boaz (Deut. or Lev., example in Ruth)

15) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.--Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

16) A wife?--Paul (1st Corinthians, chapter 7)
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Old 04-18-2014, 10:30 AM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Well if all goes according to plan with Eva Christianson's husband , then I bet she would go for you.
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Old 04-18-2014, 10:37 AM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by Mary Thompson View Post
Well if all goes according to plan with Eva Christianson's husband , then I bet she would go for you.
Before that is suggested, we should ask Bob if he has both 2 stones and an undamaged privy member.
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Old 04-18-2014, 10:50 AM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Yes indeed, Mother of Seven. Brother Bob, are you are a whole man?
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Old 04-18-2014, 11:32 AM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by Mary Thompson View Post
Brother Bob, are you are a whole man?
I asked my mom what you meant by this and then she got very angry. She said I disappointed her and Jesus and started crying. She cries a lot.

My Pastor was visiting me in the hospital today. He visits me a lot. He is a great man. He wanted to know when I would start working on his pool again. When I told him about your question he seemed surprised. Then some things happened I want never to talk about. Ever. Then my Pastor said the answer to your question is yes. He also said that I am not one of those Matthew 19:12 eunuchs. I don't know what that means. I hope this will help me finding a girlfriend. It was very unpleasant.
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:42 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Bob, I'm sure Sister Mary will join me in apologising to you, if asking that question caused you so much grief and pain
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Old 04-18-2014, 01:26 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mother Of Seven View Post
Before that is suggested, we should ask Bob if he has both 2 stones and an undamaged privy member.
Mo7, Bob does mention in his first post that he collects small stones. I would assume that this means he has more than 2.

Bob dear, what with dividing your time between your mom's basement and your pastor's pool hole, it strikes me that you're probably not meeting a lot of women. Unless you want to restrict your options to No. 7 on your list - and God is a busy deity who probably has more urgent matters to attend to - then you probably need to get out more.

The hospital is a good start. Are there any young nurses there who have not yet been sullied by the work? If you went into the mental health department, you might get lucky.

In any event, always remember Proverbs 12:4 and do not settle for damaged goods. A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: But she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.

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Old 04-18-2014, 01:40 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Attila's Wife View Post
Mo7, Bob does mention in his first post that he collects small stones. I would assume that this means he has more than 2.
Is that a good or a bad thing?
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Old 04-18-2014, 09:36 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by Attila's Wife View Post
Are there any young nurses there who have not yet been sullied by the work?
I asked my mom about this and then she got mad. She said all nurses are whores. So I am not allowed to ask a nurse to become my girlfriend. Then she hit me when I looked at one of the nurses. There are a lot of nurses here so now I am not sure what I am supposed to look at. So I suppose I have to stare at my stones all day.
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Old 04-18-2014, 09:42 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Quote:
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I asked my mom about this and then she got mad. She said all nurses are whores. So I am not allowed to ask a nurse to become my girlfriend. Then she hit me when I looked at one of the nurses. There are a lot of nurses here so now I am not sure what I am supposed to look at. So I suppose I have to stare at my stones all day.

Welcome to the forums, dear. Perhaps you could spend that time looking at the pages of your Holy Bible. Spending time with Jesus is the most important thing anyone can do!

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Old 04-18-2014, 09:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Perhaps you could spend that time looking at the pages of your Holy Bible.
I feel ashamed. I didn't think of that. My mom, my Pastor and Jesus are disappointed in me. Thank you for your kind advice! Will you be my girlfriend?

My Pastor has given me a reading list. I will be reading Hosea 1, Jeremiah 3:3, Judges 11:1, Ezekiel 16, 1 Kings 14:24, Numbers 25, Ezekiel 23, Joshua 2, Genesis 38 and 1 Kings 3. My Pastor says those will teach me about the kind of woman I don't want to have as girlfriend.
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Old 04-18-2014, 11:03 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bob View Post
I feel ashamed. I didn't think of that. My mom, my Pastor and Jesus are disappointed in me. Thank you for your kind advice! Will you be my girlfriend?

My Pastor has given me a reading list. I will be reading Hosea 1, Jeremiah 3:3, Judges 11:1, Ezekiel 16, 1 Kings 14:24, Numbers 25, Ezekiel 23, Joshua 2, Genesis 38 and 1 Kings 3. My Pastor says those will teach me about the kind of woman I don't want to have as girlfriend.
No, Bob. No I will not be your girlfriend. Besides being married already, my heart belongs to Jesus, my eternal Bridegroom.


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Old 04-18-2014, 11:12 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

I apologize if I offended you, Bob. How about you ask the Pastor again for his daughter's hand in marriage? This time, try to stay focused on that and tell the Pastor that if he does not give you a girlfriend he is going against the Bible.
Or just rape a virgin and pay some money to her father (Deut. 22:28-29).
God Bless you,
MT.
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Old 04-19-2014, 01:52 AM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Bob,

First of all, not all doctors are mean. Some doctors are very nice people. Do you like nice people, Bob? I think you are very nice. Promise me that you will not tell Mother about my note to you. Will you promise, Bob? Good.

I think your mother sits in a very scornful seat, Bob. Do you know what scornful means, Bob? It is not nice - not nice at all. You, however, are a nice person, and you should never sit in the seat of the scornful. God tells us not to in His special Book, the HOLY BIBLE.

The next time one of those nice nurses comes to visit, ask her if you can speak to the psychologist on call. Tell her it must be very private. Then talk to the nice psychologist about the things mother does. You can even tell the psychologist that you're hoping to find a girlfriend. Ask him if he thinks you're ready for such a thing.

Do not be sad if he says no! Instead, be happy that you know that you are a good person and one that will someday meet a very nice person that is just as nice as you. My precious wife, Jennifer, looked at your photo and said that you are handsome. Isn't she nice? And remember: YOU ARE NICE, TOO!

Pray to Jesus and ask Him to heal your mind. One more thing: be sure the nice psychologist adds my referral fee to your hospital bill. Don't say anything about this to Mother. I will be praying for you.

Psalms 1:1
Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsell of the vngodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornefull.
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Old 04-19-2014, 06:07 AM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by Bob View Post
My Pastor says those will teach me about the kind of woman I don't want to have as girlfriend.
Friend, are you familiar with the term vagina dentata? If not, google it when your mother isn't paying attention.

Copulation before marriage is expressly forbidden, of course, but if you ever get a girlfriend you plan on marrying, you might want to take a quick peek at her....unmentionable area....and check it for teeth, if you think you can stomach it. Better safe than sorry. Good luck!
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Old 04-19-2014, 10:51 AM
Mother Of Seven Mother Of Seven is offline
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by M. Mansfield, MD View Post
My precious wife, Jennifer, looked at your photo and said that you are handsome. Isn't she nice?
Doc, you must learn to discipline your wife more. Allowing her to make eyes at other gentlemen is certainly not the sign of a good Christian man. She deserves a good beating. And you should affix blinkers to her head so that she cannot sneak sly looks. But I have a feeling that it's worse, she sounds as though she may be a feminazi who rules you. For the Lord's sake, she must be beaten into submission and learn how to be good wife. If she admits to you she has a wandering eye, what on earth does she do when you're at work There is the gardener, the postman, and many other men that she may come into contact with every day. So, in addition to the blinkers, I would be inclined to affix a chastity belt when you're not around.
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Old 04-19-2014, 12:29 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
being married already
I was reading 2 Samuel 11 and there I learned that you can still be my girlfriend. I would have to kill your husband though. I will have to ask my Pastor about this.
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Old 04-20-2014, 02:59 AM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

Hello Bob,

I worked at a hospital during my forsaken years. The hospital is a target rich environment and you will be tempted if your guard is not up. Don't believe me? Check out General Hospital. Get permission from your mom first.

Might I suggest you forget the nurses and check out the candy stripers? Or maybe one of those cafeteria ladies. They are more apt to be impressed by your ditch digging abilities.

Regardless, don't limit your range to nurses. There are technicians, student nurses, interns, volunteers, etc.

And don't forget the other patients and their families. But I would strongly advise that you stay away from the aids floors and such should you go this route.

Go get em tiger!

YiC,

Fred
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Old 04-20-2014, 06:15 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by Mary Thompson View Post
Well if all goes according to plan with Eva Christianson's husband , then I bet she would go for you.
How unbearably sweet of you, to think of both me and Brother Bob, dear Sister Mary!

The thing is, my husband is very much alive and well, so I think Brother Bob would be better of looking in other places, to find his true love

How the financial side of things Bob? Any future inheritance maybe? Perhaps if you looked in the poorer sides of town, it would increase your chances?

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Old 04-20-2014, 06:42 PM
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Default Re: I am Bob and I want a Christian girlfriend!

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Originally Posted by Eva_Christensen View Post
The thing is, my husband is very much alive and well, so I think Brother Bob would be better of looking in other places, to find his true love
Bless you, Sister Eva, for your unflinching loyalty to your husband, even at the potential cost of your own soul. As a practical woman, I will continue to pray that your husband may either die or be cured by some miracle: it doesn't much matter which, does it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eva_Christensen View Post
How the financial side of things Bob? Any future inheritance maybe?
The trouble with this is that presumably it would come from Bob's mom, who sounds like the sort of harpy who may spend his inheritance or even marry one of those toy boys. My suggestion would be to look around for a sturdy but - how can I put it? - slightly less than averagely attractive young woman. Young women are all much the same in the dark, Bob.

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