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  #1  
Old 07-13-2010, 09:45 PM
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Default WARNING! Enjoyng Summer Can Send You to HELL

ENJOYING SUMMER CAN SEND YOU TO HELL!!

Summer time is often every ones favorite time of the year because of the pleasant temperature and fun summer activities. But to a True Christian it can also be a very dangerous time of the year.

Brothers and Sisters, please help me compile a handy list so we can know at a glance what to look out for.

1. Public Pools! They can cause pregnancy. True Christian women should never get in them past their knees. Public pools also spread the AIDS. Come to think of it JUST STAY OUT of them.

2. Sun Screen. Putting sunscreen on your self or others. Often the rubbing on of sun screen will cause arousal in you or the person you are putting it on (even children). This often leads to fornication or self abuse from M'ing.

3. Sun Dresses. As a woman I know that wearing a cute sun dress in the sweltering is not only fashionable, it's down right comfortable. BUT did you know that perverted men are just dying to get a peek of your legs and arms! Just the sight of ankles or bare arms can send some men in to a sexshual frenzy causing them to M for hours on end fantasizing about YOU. This will send YOU BOTH TO HELL. YOU will be the one who caused him to "sin in his heart".
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:53 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

4. Popsicles. These frozen treats make you mimic what Satan wants you to do to his engorged member for ALL ETERNITY! (fellashio, in case I have to spell it out for our more "innocent" members.)
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:53 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Thank you sister, I think we can sum it up by saying it's best just to stay inside with the Godly air conditioning and read the Bible.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:55 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

You’re probably too young to remember Charity Ronalds who, despite her father have Rastus Birdsong – the young family retainer – accompany her everywhere (including the swimming pool)- ended up with a black baby in the spring of ’55.

If I remember rightly, the child was posted to an orphanage in Kansas and Charity was never the same again.

A lesson to us all.
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Old 07-13-2010, 09:56 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

5. Sleeping naked. All children should be in their P.J.'s regardless of how hot it is at night. You want them to get some sleep without the risk of masturbation, and you don't want them to get used to being nudists.
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  #6  
Old 07-13-2010, 09:59 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

I think Pastor Zeke has the best idea; have all the Christian men who want to swim go off to men's only pool party retreats at Landover Ranch. With no woman around a Christian man can relax by the pool with his friends, put on sun tan lotion with out worrying about being tempted into depravity.
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  #7  
Old 07-13-2010, 10:05 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Summer? BLACKOUTS! From electricity overload. You know what sorts of activities go on in them
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  #8  
Old 07-13-2010, 10:55 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
I think Pastor Zeke has the best idea; have all the Christian men who want to swim go off to men's only pool party retreats at Landover Ranch. With no woman around a Christian man can relax by the pool with his friends, put on sun tan lotion with out worrying about being tempted into depravity.
Thank you Brother. It just makes sense.

The women should be at home baking pies anyway. They have no business swimming.
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Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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  #9  
Old 07-13-2010, 11:10 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
I think Pastor Zeke has the best idea; have all the Christian men who want to swim go off to men's only pool party retreats at Landover Ranch. With no woman around a Christian man can relax by the pool with his friends, put on sun tan lotion with out worrying about being tempted into depravity.
Brother B-J, that sounds like a great time! I might just have to come to Freehold sometime this summer. My congregation's pool parties always are filled with sows and clucking hens, sagging their cellulite out of their stretched-to-breaking one-piece bathing suits while their hardworking, rock-solid menfolk try desperately to ignore the grotesque barnyard of former cheerleaders they married.

Is it just me, or is a wedding ring to a woman the equivalent of Circe to a Greek sailor?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Thank you Brother. It just makes sense.

The women should be at home baking pies anyway. They have no business swimming.
Especially given their "monthly events".
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Old 07-13-2010, 11:23 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

6. Heat! Summer heat causes people to become aroused to the point of no longer being controllable. It causes men to "dangle" lower which creates a pendulous motion in their swim trucks which can lure people into lust. (I have researched this a lot.)

7. Snow Cones! Snow cones may not appear threatening at first, but once you are well-studied on the effects of cold temperatures on the female nipples, you will think twice about buying them for your children!

8. Water Hoses! Water hoses have long been a way for liberals to teach kids to engage in premarital sex by simulating the act of a boy "spraying" a girl with his hose. I'm not sure what it means when the girl sprays a boy with the hose, but I'm sure a liberal could tell you.

Spraying each other with a water hose is NOT an activity meant for children! It's meant to be shared between a man and his wife!
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Old 07-14-2010, 12:10 AM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Summer should be for working! All kids should be forced to get jobs over the summer, how else are they to grow up and be functioning members of society? If you ask me the number one reason for America's downfall is because we don't force children to work. Why just today I went outside my house and the neighbor kids had set up a Slip 'n Slide in their front yard. These future Democrats were Slippin' and Slidin' all over the place and THERE WAS NO ACCOUNTABILITY!
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Old 07-14-2010, 12:12 AM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley View Post
Summer should be for working! All kids should be forced to get jobs over the summer, how else are they to grow up and be functioning members of society? If you ask me the number one reason for America's downfall is because we don't force children to work. Why just today I went outside my house and the neighbor kids had set up a Slip 'n Slide in their front yard. These future Democrats were Slippin' and Slidin' all over the place and THERE WAS NO ACCOUNTABILITY!
Amen, Brother Wash.

And here's what just gets my goat: NOWHERE in the Constitution does it say kids should be allowed to not work all summer. NOWHERE.
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  #13  
Old 07-14-2010, 12:39 AM
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Phebe Carlyle Phebe Carlyle is offline
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
ENJOYING SUMMER CAN SEND YOU TO HELL!!

Summer time is often every ones favorite time of the year because of the pleasant temperature and fun summer activities. But to a True Christian it can also be a very dangerous time of the year.

Brothers and Sisters, please help me compile a handy list so we can know at a glance what to look out for.

1. Public Pools! They can cause pregnancy. True Christian women should never get in them past their knees. Public pools also spread the AIDS. Come to think of it JUST STAY OUT of them.

2. Sun Screen. Putting sunscreen on your self or others. Often the rubbing on of sun screen with cause arousal in you or the person you are putting it on (even children). This often leads to fornication or self abuse from M'ing.

3. Sun Dresses. As a woman I know that wearing a cute sun dress in the sweltering is not only fashionable, it's down right comfortable. BUT did you know that perverted men are just dying to get a peek of your legs and arms! Just the sight of ankles or bare arms can send some men in to a sexshual frenzy causing them to M for hours on end fantasizing about YOU. This will send YOU BOTH TO HELL. YOU will be the one who caused him to "sin in his heart".
Sister,

I must tell you, I see a lot of positives about summer, as that is when I usually get many a conversion or recruit for Jesus!

I don't know how many times I have watched the beach from my balcony and taken photos of all the scantily clad guys and gals (for research purposes of course), changed into a bathing suit so as to fit in, with my Bible in one hand, my Chick Tracts in another and my picnic basket come soapbox, swinging on my arm!

I certainly get a lot of attention and they must like my bathers as near everyone points and smiles at me. I draw quite a crowd.



^..mine is very similar to the one on the right. Not so many buttons though as I think they are a little too brash for my taste.

Things that DO worry me however are

Chocolate coated Frozen Bananas.. I think WHY is self explanatory.

SUMMER IN AUSTRALIA - Most heathens spend Jesus' Birthday on the beach eating shellfish no less!!... That in itself is like a double slap in the face to God!

YIC,

Sister Phebe.
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  #14  
Old 07-14-2010, 02:54 AM
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Sidoain Sidoain is offline
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Summer is the season for pervert hunters. I know because i am one of them.
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  #15  
Old 07-14-2010, 07:43 AM
omgzus omgzus is offline
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omgzus is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.omgzus is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
I think Pastor Zeke has the best idea; have all the Christian men who want to swim go off to men's only pool party retreats at Landover Ranch. With no woman around a Christian man can relax by the pool with his friends, put on sun tan lotion with out worrying about being tempted into depravity.
Men should not be putting sun tan lotion on each other, this will just encourage them to become sodomites.
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  #16  
Old 07-14-2010, 03:29 PM
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Daisy Mae Johnson Daisy Mae Johnson is offline
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

9. Sandals. Perverted men with foot fantasies may be provoked into a sexshul frenzy and rape the person nearest to him.

I know JESUS wore sandals, but back then China didn't manufacture shoes so HE had no choice.

10. Riding on Swings or Merry-Go-Rounds. As innocent as these maybe they can also get you pregnant. It turns out that the motion from swinging back and forth or going round and round can make a gal pass out! This leaves her
vulnerable to rape by nigras or beaners who may be wandering by or enjoying a nice watermelon in the park.
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  #17  
Old 07-14-2010, 04:11 PM
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Bobby-Joe Bobby-Joe is offline
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Quote:
Originally Posted by omgzus View Post
Men should not be putting sun tan lotion on each other, this will just encourage them to become sodomites.
Must you see homosexuality in everything friend? You need to learn to stop rushing to judgment and be more like a TRUE Christian. If you ever been to one of our Circle of Brothers you would understand how NOT gay it is.
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  #18  
Old 07-14-2010, 04:13 PM
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Brothers, whatever you do, DO NOT Google "summer sin."
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Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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  #19  
Old 07-14-2010, 04:55 PM
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Nobar King Nobar King is offline
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Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post


10. Riding on Swings or Merry-Go-Rounds.
A merry-go-round will send you to hell faster than you would think.
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  #20  
Old 07-14-2010, 05:20 PM
James Dewitt James Dewitt is offline
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James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.James Dewitt is veritably a saint destined for a place in heaven near Jesus' right hand.
Default Re: WARNING! Summer Can Send You to HELL

Brothers and Sisters I am in New York to day shopping for Mrs Phebe. So far today I have seen at least 10, almost nude whores standing on a street corner covered in sweat and trying to sell their bodies. Not 30 minutes ago I witnessed a herd of nigglets that had removed the cap on a fire hydrant and where... , well I cant say what they where doing with ladies present.
What is going to happen if there is a fire? The nigglets have stolen all the water.
Have to run my flight leaves in an hour.
P.S. we really need to get a good Joo jewelry store in Freehold.
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