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Terms of service
Forum Terms & Rules Please take a moment to review a brief history of Landover Baptist and the rules detailed below. You MUST agree to them in order to proceed with your registration. To cancel this registration, simply hit the 'back' button on your browser. Landover Baptist Church is nearly as old as America itself. Our community has served as the moral compass for our great Christian Nation for nearly 217 years. Our initially sheltered society of Fundamentalists is still a heavily gated religious community but it has grown to over 52,000 members with a large presence on the Internet. Church members provide support, prayer, and firm rebuke to those of us who are called by Jesus to wander beyond the walls of our gated Christian community in Freehold, Iowa. We invite you to join us with a sense of fellowship that you are among brothers and sisters who wish nothing more than to share the good news that Jesus Christ is going to send every single person on Earth who doesn't believe in Him, straight to Hell. If you are saved, please feel free to interact with us. If you are unsaved, please leave now. Sometimes the Devil and his minions creep into our message boards to try to slander us and mock us. Be warned that the messages you read here express the views of the author of the message, not the views of the Landover Baptist Church Community. Any user who feels that a posted message is objectionable is encouraged to contact us immediately by email. We will print the message out and pray over it. If Jesus tells us that it is offensive, we will use His holy power to remove it. We will make every effort to do so, within a reasonable time frame, if we determine that removal is necessary. You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use this bulletin board to post any material which questions Landover Baptist Church beliefs, or questions the God given authority of Landover Baptist pastors and/or church members. We are here to root out evil, expose false religions, and fellowship under the protective umbrella of the largest, most powerful assembly of worthwhile Christians to ever walk the earth - The Landover Baptist Church. Thank You, and you are welcome. We ask you to register for your protection. We operate in conjunction with the Department of Faith. You consent and specifically permit us or our agents the right to turn on your computer, microphone, video camera or any other device remotely and without your knowledge. You grant us permission to read your messages, email and do forensic analysis on your computer and physically search your dwelling, property, place of abode, vehicles(s) or other mode of transportation and those of your friends, relatives acquaintances (and neighbors within a reasonable distance) without further legal requirement. We will never sell or reveal your email address to anyone for any private or commercial purpose, so help us God! Terms of Service Within this section, the words "Landoverbaptist, et al. , "we," and "us" refer to the publisher of all content on Landoverbaptist, that party's assigns, affiliates, devisees, subrogees, mortgagees, predecessors-in-interest, successors-in-interest, corporate alter egos, parent corporations, subsidiaries, limited partners, officers, and trustees, et al. which holds the right to transmit on Landoverbaptist, et al. and this forum (the "Site") all of the materials contained in the Site. The word "you" shall refer to the user, and that party's assigns, affiliates, devisees, subrogees, mortgagees, predecessors-in-interest, successors-in-interest, corporate alter egos, parent corporations, subsidiaries, limited partners, officers, and trustees, et al. The word "Materials" refers to any word, sound, image, file, data, or anything else contained in or generated by the Site. All content on Landoverbaptist, et al. is protected by federal copyright laws. Ownership and copyrights to all content on Landoverbaptist, et al. is retained by the creator(s). Inquiries regarding ownership of specific pieces of content may be made through prayer. When you use Landoverbaptist, et al. you are agreeing and consenting to these terms and conditions of use that we, at our sole discretion, may change in any way at any time. Your consent to these terms and conditions is herein described as the "Agreement." Thus you should read them with care and, from time to time, re-read them. If we make any changes, your continued use of Landoverbaptist, et al. signifies that you agree to them without the necessity for further or ongoing affirmation. If we make changes to the TOS and neglect, forget, or simply do not post said changes you are bound to them anyway. You have an ongoing obligation to keep yourself informed of the terms of the TOS in every particular. Every use of Landover Baptist shall constitute a constructive reaffirmation by you that you have kept yourself apprised of the terms hereof. If any term herein is deemed unenforceable, it shall be severed from this Agreement and the remainder of the Agreement shall continue in force. Limitations On Use Of Materials Contained in Landoverbaptist, et al. : You may, as long as you make no changes of any kind whatsoever, download onto a single computer a single copy of any Materials on the Site for your personal use only. This computer must be your personal computer in your home and you may not make any commercial, industrial, academic, or otherwise secular use of Materials that you download. Should you make any changes to any of the Materials you will be violating the copyrights of the owner(s) of the affected portion of Landoverbaptist, et al. Failure to prosecute even actually known violations of the copyright provisions herein shall not constitute waiver by us of any right hereunder. Aside from this provision (i.e. the downloading of a single copy) you may not copy, upload, transmit or distribute in any way any Materials contained in the Site, nor may you use them on any network of computers or any other Website. Should you download a single copy of any Materials, you do not own that copy. The copy you download (including the software and its accompanying data and any files) is, rather, licensed to you by Landoverbaptist, et al. on behalf of its owner/creator, who/which retains all title and rights to the Materials. Thus you are prohibited from distributing your copy or in any way changing the copy into any form that can be perceived by a human or any sentient being, known, discovered or created anywhere, from time to time and in perpetuity all throughout the universe until the death of the last living descendant of Ambassador Joseph P. Kennedy or for eternity plus one day, whichever is longer. Landoverbaptist, et al. makes no warranties of any kind (either expressed or implied) concerning the Materials on the Site. In fact, we disclaim the usefulness of any of the material contained herein for purposes other than those for which a court of law may determine has been authorized by statute or interim regulation. Further, Landoverbaptist, et al. does not warrant that transmission of the Materials will not be interrupted nor does it warrant that the Materials will contain no errors nor that they will be accurate. Landoverbaptist disclaims the accuracy of the information contained herein, except as a duly authorized tribunal may find on the record, consistent with Parliamentary procedure as it has been instituted in the several States and the Territories of the United States. Landoverbaptist, et al. does not warrant that the Site itself or the server which transmits it will be free of viruses, worms, bad links or anything else that might be harmful. Nor do we warrant that any defects will be corrected. You alone assume all risk associated with use of the Site, including the full cost of any necessary repair or service to your computer, any software installed thereon, any operating system used therewith, any networks connected thereto, and any multimedia used in conjunction therewith. By using the Site you waive any claim whatsoever against Landoverbaptist, et al. which arises from your use, whether intended or not, of any other site. This waiver specifically includes any claim arising from a product and/or service which you purchase from any site other than Landoverbaptist, et al. and any claim arising from security of information (including, but not limited to credit card information), which you give to any other site. In addition, Landoverbaptist, et al. assumes no responsibility for any content that you find on sites that link either to or from the Site. This includes responsibility for the accuracy or compliance with any laws and for any viruses or other harmful things, which may be contained in these sites. Nor is Landoverbaptist, et al. responsible should any site link you to a site which you find offensive. Landoverbaptist, et al. does not endorse or warrant the quality of any goods you buy from any site. Limitation Of Liability: Landoverbaptist, et al. shall not be liable in any way whatsoever (including, but not limited to, negligence) for any special or consequential damages resulting from either your use of the Site or your inability to use it or from your use of any site linked from or to the site. This limitation includes any circumstance in which landoverbaptist, et al. or its representative has been advised of potential liability. Certain applicable laws may not allow all the limitations of liability described herein. Should that be the case, landoverbaptist, et al. And/or landoverbaptist, et al. Forum's total liability to you for losses, damages, causes of action, and/or negligence shall not exceed the total amount paid by you (if any) to access the site, excluding any tithes or donations you make to Landover, et al. or the Landover forum. Your fate rests solely with God, not us! Any and all complaints or disagreements must be resolved through the power of prayer and no other solution shall be used by you. YOU WAIVE ALL RIGHTS, BE THEY STATUTORY OR PURSUANT TO YOUR STATE OR FEDERAL CONSTITUTION, TO A TRIAL BY JURY. YOU WAIVE ALL RIGHTS TO PARTICIPATE IN OR REPRESENT A CLASS ACTION. You agree that all disputes with us may be settled, at our sole election, by an arbitrator of our choosing. You further agree that any disputes arising in connection herewith shall be brought exclusively in the State of Hawaii. You further agree to pay all attorney's fees incurred by us in any dispute between us and you. You further agree that we may, at our sole discretion, set a schedule of responsive pleadings allowing us any amount of time we see fit to respond to any complaint. You further agree that we may, at our sole discretion, dismiss with prejudice any claim which you bring against us in connection with your use of this site, and authorize us as your attorneys-in-fact for that limited purpose. You further agree that we may select, in our sole discretion, the outfits you shall wear to court including, without limitation, clown makeup and bondage paraphernalia. You assume the responsibility to monitor your community standards. By each use of Landoverbaptist, you affirm that the material contained herein is not deemed offensive by the standards of your community. You further thereby agree to defend, indemnify, and hold us harmless for any action brought by any other person in connection with the use hereof. You agree that we may, at any time, purchase any claim you bring against us for the amount of one United States dollar. Communication on the Site: The Site may (but is not obligated to) include e-mail functions, chat rooms, bulletin boards or other means by which you can communicate with other persons. Should you choose to so communicate, you may not do so using words, sounds or images that are, at Landoverbaptist, et al. sole discretion, and based upon the general standard of violence and associated activity as described in the Old Testament of the KJV1611 Bible and interpreted by us and, by that standard alone, be deemed to be obscene, pornographic, libelous, defamatory, objectionable, violent, or that, in Landoverbaptist, et al.'s sole opinion based upon Scripture, may be illegal. Should you communicate on the Site, by doing so you grant to Landoverbaptist, et al. in perpetuity, exclusively, without any compensation or notice to you, all rights which you have in that communication. Thus you grant Landoverbaptist, et al. the perpetual, exclusive right to duplicate, replicate, copy, disseminate, modify, edit, create other works from, publish, distribute, include in other works, translate, and/or edit any communication by any means, whether now known or yet to be discovered, at any place and any time throughout the universe. By reading these terms, you agree to forfeit the eternal ownership and right to assign, pledge, sell, trade or barter your immortal soul and those of all of your living and future relatives to Landover Baptist or our assigned agent, to use for whatever purpose we choose, for eternity plus one day. You may not use the Site for any commercial, industrial, or academic purpose or to solicit funds or any other goods, or services for anything whatsoever. Landoverbaptist, et al. herein may be exercised in any language, in any medium whether now known or yet to be developed anywhere in the universe. You, however, agree to speak in God's language, American English. Further, you waive all moral rights to these communications as well as rights of confidentiality. You also warrant that, should you not own the rights to these communications, the owner of the rights has granted them in exactly the same manner and to the same extent that you would have had you been the owner. Landoverbaptist, et al. assumes no liability whatsoever for any communication on or through the Site. You are responsible for your own communications. Landoverbaptist, et al. assumes no obligation whatsoever (unless there exists a legal obligation) to monitor any communication on or through the Site. We do not vouch for or warrant the accuracy, completeness or usefulness of any message, and are not responsible for the contents of any message. Posted messages sometimes express the opinion of the author of the message and sometimes the opinion of God as we understand Scripture, but they do not express the views of the secular world. They may be a complete parody, joke or satire as written by us. This is a free opinion forum as long as it is our opinion! There will be insults and damnation. There will be quotations from Scripture which we are free to interpret (known as flaming) as it is given to us by God to do so. If you are upset or insulted by any content, you must cancel your account and leave the site immediately and forever. No matter what else happens, you waive all legal rights you may now have and will forever have with regard to us. You will not sue us or make any attempt to have our website or forum removed from the Internet without our prior written permission (electronic permission is inadequate in these circumstances). Your only recourse for anything is to leave! If you disagree with anything we say you are wrong and you hereby admit you are at fault. The information on this site is provided "as is" and "where is" without any express or implied warranty of any kind, including, without limitation, warranties of merchantability, title, infringement of intellectual property rights, or fitness for any particular purpose. You agree that in no event will the landoverbaptist, et al. Forum be liable for any damages whatsoever (including, without limitation, damages for loss of profits or business interruption and/or consequential, punitive, exemplary, special or incidental damages) arising out of the use of or inability to use the information, even if landoverbaptist, et al. Has been advised of the possibility of such damages. Some jurisdictions prohibit the exclusion or limitation of liability for consequential or incidental damages. As a result, the above limitations may not apply to you but don't bet on it! We urge you to consult with your own lawyer for legal advice, your own broker for investment advice, a licensed therapist for counseling advice, your own doctor for medical advice, because you cannot and should not rely on any such communications offered here. You agree that only an idiot signs a document, either manually or through electronic means, without reading carefully and genuinely consenting to all terms thereof. If you are not a Baptist fundamentalist who believes the True Christians™ of Landover Baptist are the sole representatives of God's authority on earth and in the known and unknown universe, your soul is forfeit and you will be dismissed, damned, denounced, deported, defamed, harassed, harried, ridiculed, and otherwise rebuked to Hell as God commands us to do through his holy scripture! You have no rights whatsoever; we owe you no respect or equal time for your satanic beliefs and complaints to anyone except the supreme authority, God, are illegal, immoral, sinful and heretical! We do not hate anyone or preach hatred! We love and believe God's literal word as it is written verbatim in the KJV1611 (authorized) Bible. If God chooses to respond to any prayer from anyone in the universe, you agree that he speaks only through us. We are the respecter of no man or woman regardless of their race, color, religion (or lack thereof), creed, size, shape, intelligence, name, or any other feature or trait applicable to the species sapiens, or any other. By reading this, you hereby agree to grant Landover an unrestricted and permanent ownership and right to any material on any computer you own or operate, and any computers connected to any networks you may have access to, legally or illegally. This agreement is irrevocable. Landoverbaptist, et al. And its suppliers do not warrant the accuracy or completeness of the information, text, graphics, links or other items accessible via this site. Landoverbaptist, et al. may make changes to such information, text, graphics, links or other items at any time without notice. LandoverBaptist, et al. makes no commitment to update such information, text, graphics, links or other items. By simply having read at least ONE WORD of these terms of service you have already agreed to all them whether or not you register. You agree and undertake never to reveal a word of this secret TOS under penalty of immediate damnation. If damnation is not part of your belief system, you agree to convert to a belief system involving damnation. You agree that you do not access this site on behalf of a government agency, nor pursuant to any criminal conspiracy.

Who may register?
Anyone who certifies that they are at least eighteen years of age on the day of registration and has read and agrees to the Terms of Service. Your completed registration constitutes your affirmation that you qualify for membership as stated above. Sorry, minors under eighteen and unsaved, unwelcome. SHOO DEMON!

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