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  • Day 287. Matthew 13-15

    Matthew 13-15

    Matthew 13

    1 The same day went Jesus out of the house, and sat by the sea side.

    2 And great multitudes were gathered together unto him, so that he went into a ship, and sat; and the whole multitude stood on the shore.

    Jesus was just out talking to the people.

    3 And he spake many things unto them in parables, saying, Behold, a sower went forth to sow;

    He tells the parable of the sower. The sower (guy who plants seeds) throws his seeds out there: some land on the road, some land on rocks, some land in the weeds, and some land on good ground.

    That's all Jesus told the people.

    Imagine a modern minister telling just that part of the story to his congregation. No explanation, just "A guy throws seed on the ground, some grows then dies, some is eaten by crows, some is choked by weeds, and some grows like it should". Jesus disciples were a little confused by Jesus just telling the congregation a parable.

    10 And the disciples came, and said unto him, Why speakest thou unto them in parables?

    11 He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given.

    Salvation isn't for everyone. Jesus doesn't want everyone saved. In other words, IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE BIBLE, YOU DON'T GO TO HEAVEN! If you have questions about what something in the Bible (KJV1611) means, you don't get to go to heaven. That's Jesus talking there.

    Thankfully, Jesus told his disciples what the parable meant.

    19 When any one heareth the word of the kingdom, and understandeth it not, then cometh the wicked one, and catcheth away that which was sown in his heart. This is he which received seed by the way side.

    20 But he that received the seed into stony places, the same is he that heareth the word, and anon with joy receiveth it;

    21 Yet hath he not root in himself, but dureth for a while: for when tribulation or persecution ariseth because of the word, by and by he is offended.

    22 He also that received seed among the thorns is he that heareth the word; and the care of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, choke the word, and he becometh unfruitful.

    23 But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.

    Everyone gets a seed (to hear the good news). In a select few people, it will grown and bring fruit. Some people hear the word, but it gets lost in the rest of their desires (thorns/weeds). Some people hear it but don't fully accept it, they take part of it, (planted on the rocks). Some people just don't understand at all, because they are dumb (on the rocks).

    What type of person are you? Are you eaten by birds? Are you a rock? Are you in the weeds? Or are you good soil?

    33 Another parable spake he unto them; The kingdom of heaven is like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of meal, till the whole was leavened.


    34 All these things spake Jesus unto the multitude in parables; and without a parable spake he not unto them:

    During Jesus time, he didn't want everyone saved, why would he want everyone saved today?

    47 Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a net, that was cast into the sea, and gathered of every kind:

    48 Which, when it was full, they drew to shore, and sat down, and gathered the good into vessels, but cast the bad away.

    Are you a good fish, or a bad fish. The net (the word) catches everything in the water, like Montgomery Burns soda can net, it sweeps the ocean clean. Except heaven only keeps the good fish, it doesn't turn the rest into Li'l Lisa's Patented Animal Slurry. Although you will be pulverized in hell.

    54 And when he was come into his own country, he taught them in their synagogue, insomuch that they were astonished, and said, Whence hath this man this wisdom, and these mighty works?

    55 Is not this the carpenter's son? is not his mother called Mary? and his brethren, James, and Joses, and Simon, and Judas?

    Catholics claim the perpetual virginity of Mary. The bible claims Jesus had brothers (and sisters).

    57 And they were offended in him. But Jesus said unto them, A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house.

    58 And he did not many mighty works there because of their unbelief.

    Jesus IS like Santa, he only comes if you believe in him.

    Matthew 14

    1 At that time Herod the tetrarch heard of the fame of Jesus,


    3 For Herod had laid hold on John, and bound him, and put him in prison for Herodias' sake, his brother Philip's wife.

    4 For John said unto him, It is not lawful for thee to have her.

    Hmm, I wonder why John would say that? Isn't it expected that a brother should take his brother's wife... unless Philip wasn't dead. According to Flavius Josephus, Philip was still alive, and Herodias divorced him, then married Herod.

    5 And when he would have put him to death, he feared the multitude, because they counted him as a prophet.

    Weird, the leader DIDN'T kill John because of the multitude. The people considered him a prophet. Didn't the people consider Jesus a prophet?

    6 But when Herod's birthday was kept, the daughter of Herodias danced before them, and pleased Herod.

    So, Herodias daughter is Salome. The dance is normally considered to be the Dance of the Seven Veils. It's a strip tease. So, the guy's daughter in law did a dance for him, gave him wood (he probably finished), then, she got to ask for something.

    She chose John's head.

    10 And he sent, and beheaded John in the prison.

    13 When Jesus heard of it, he departed thence by ship into a desert place apart: and when the people had heard thereof, they followed him on foot out of the cities.

    Jesus was sort of concerned for his own neck.

    Then he healed some people.

    Then he did the loaves and fishes thing (five loaves, two fishes).

    19 And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass, and took the five loaves, and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude.

    20 And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the fragments that remained twelve baskets full.

    There were 5000 men, AND their wives and children.

    Then he left... on a boat. Then he went to a mountain to pray, alone, leaving the disciples on a boat.

    25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

    26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

    It's a ghost!!! JESUS CHRIST IT'S A F'ING GHOST!!! Oh wait, it's Jesus.

    28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

    29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

    30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

    Jesus pulls him from the water. Then they go to Gennesaret, and Jesus heals people.

    Matthew 15

    Jesus goes to the Pharisees in Jerusalem. The proceed to bitch him out.

    2 Why do thy disciples transgress the tradition of the elders? for they wash not their hands when they eat bread.

    Jesus answered them:

    11 Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.

    The disciples said "you offended the Pharisees" and Jesus said "GOOD, f--k them".

    14 Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.

    Peter says, what's the meaning of this parable.

    Jesus says, "How, f--king long have you been with me, and you don't understand, man, you are an idiot!"

    16 And Jesus said, Are ye also yet without understanding?

    Jesus explained, what you put in your mouth is food, it goes to the belly, then you poop it out.

    What you say, is what makes you bad.

    18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.

    19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:

    20 These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.

    Jesus then goes someplace else.

    22 And, behold, a woman of Canaan came out of the same coasts, and cried unto him, saying, Have mercy on me, O Lord, thou son of David; my daughter is grievously vexed with a devil.

    23 But he answered her not a word. And his disciples came and besought him, saying, Send her away; for she crieth after us.

    Jesus didn't talk to the woman of Canaan... why not? A woman of Canaan is a black woman.

    The disciples said, "Jesus Christ, do something, that f'ing niggress won't shut up!"

    24 But he answered and said, I am not sent but unto the lost sheep of the house of Israel.

    Jesus said, I'm only here to save Israel, I don't care about anyone else.

    25 Then came she and worshipped him, saying, Lord, help me.

    26 But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs.

    Jesus called black women dogs.

    27 And she said, Truth, Lord: yet the dogs eat of the crumbs which fall from their masters' table.

    The woman said, dogs (black women) eat scraps off the table. So Jesus gave her a scrap.

    28 Then Jesus answered and said unto her, O woman, great is thy faith: be it unto thee even as thou wilt. And her daughter was made whole from that very hour.

    So the dog, (negro bitch) actually taught Jesus something.

    Jesus again goes to a mountain, lots of people follow, they get hungry.

    34 And Jesus saith unto them, How many loaves have ye? And they said, Seven, and a few little fishes.

    Jesus does the loaves and fishes trick... again.

    37 And they did all eat, and were filled: and they took up of the broken meat that was left seven baskets full.

    38 And they that did eat were four thousand men, beside women and children.

    This time, only seven baskets were left over.

    So what have we learned today?

    1. If you don't understand the Bible, KJV1611, you don't get heaven.

    2. Jesus thought his mission was to ONLY save the people of Israel.

    3. Jesus healed people, and he fed them. Obamacare is bad! If Jesus want's people to have health insurance, he'd let them have it!

    4. Jesus (like most white men in the world) doesn't like listening to black women bitch about stuff.

    Judges 9:21 And Jotham ran away, and fled, and went to Beer, and dwelt there, for fear of Abimelech his brother.