X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

    So, at the weekend, as usual, I went out looking for drunken fornicating sinners to rebuke. Anyway, at about 2:30-3 a.m., this drunken dyke who was wearing what was clearly a man's shirt, in open defiance of Deuteronomy 22:5, told me there was a party going on at hers, and I thought it sounded like a good opportunity to spread the word to some degenerates. Sure enough, it was a complete nest of vice, as proven by the fact that one room contained a bunch of people doing coke off a mirror, although no one offered me any. I sat down on a sofa and soon enough a skinny black-clad queer with a trendy haircut and hipster glasses gave me a glass of absinthe and started trying to persuade me to fornicate with him. Obviously, as anyone would do, I told him that I absolutely couldn't because the Bible forbids me to do gay stuff, to which he responded that Christianity was just a bunch of made-up fairytales that didn't make sense. I challenged this atheist pervert to give me an example of how the Bible didn't make any sense, and he asked me how God and Jesus could be the same person, despite being different people. Naturally, I whipped out my Bible and pointed to 1 John 5:7 (For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one.) At this point, he accepted that I was right and Christianity was correct, and therefore we agreed that it would be morally wrong for him to sodomise me. Another soul saved for Christ.
    But just think how different this story would have been if I'd been carrying a different Bible!
    Imagine if I'd pulled out a New International Version!
    1 John 5:7For there are three that testify:
    8the Spirit, the water and the blood; and the three are in agreement.

    God is replaced by water, of all things, and this water isn't even the same as blood, it just agrees with it! I agree with Wash O'Hanley, but that doesn't make me him!

    How about the Message?
    1 John 5:6-8 Jesus—the Divine Christ! He experienced a life-giving birth and a death-killing death. Not only birth from the womb, but baptismal birth of his ministry and sacrificial death. And all the while the Spirit is confirming the truth, the reality of God's presence at Jesus' baptism and crucifixion, bringing those occasions alive for us. A triple testimony: the Spirit, the Baptism, the Crucifixion. And the three in perfect agreement.

    What kind of message is that? Certainly not God's message, that's for sure! All we know is that God was present at Jesus' baptism. Considering that God is omnipresent all the time, that hardly makes Jesus' baptism or crucifixion sound very special.

    What about the New Living Translation?
    1 John 5:7 So we have these three witnesses—
    8 the Spirit, the water, and the blood—and all three agree.

    Again, they agree. New Living Translation? Just looking at this lifeless imitation of God's Word makes me feel a bit dead inside!
    I could go on and on, but the point I'm making here is simple. If I'd attempted to prove the doctrine of the Trinity using any of these incoherent mockeries of God's word, I'd only have been able to prove that Jesus and God agree with each other, not that they're the same person. They make the idea of the Trinity seem like nonsense! There is just no way I could have constructed a coherent argument as to why Christianity is correct, and therefore buggery is wrong, based on those false bibles, and so I would have been able to give no reason whatsoever why the skinny fellow with the trendy haircut shouldn't have been able to have his depraved way with me. Friends, we abandon the one True translation of God's Word at our peril!
    O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



    God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

  • #2
    Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

    Sounds like an awesome party, dude why don't people ever invite me to these parties
    Dog's are mans best friend .

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

      Shout GLORY!! Thank you, Jesus, for sparing Brother Temperance's poop chute!

      I've been preaching for years that the KJV1611 Authorized Version Bible is the ONLY TRUE Word of God.
      Who Will Jesus Damn?

      Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

      Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

      Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

        Praise Jesus Brother T.

        You did not succumb to temptation.

        James 1:12 (King James Version)
        12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.
        2 Chronicles 7:14
        14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land Australia.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

          I'm sure you were the life of the party. Another fun little fact to bring up the next time you are not doing keg stands and blow off drag queens, is that no versions of the Bible contain that turn of phrase except those descended from the Catholic Bible and Erasmus' text.
          Proverbs 25:21-22 If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink:
          For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the LORD shall reward thee.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

            Originally posted by Samuel Coleridge View Post
            I'm sure you were the life of the party. Another fun little fact to bring up the next time you are not doing keg stands and blow off drag queens, is that no versions of the Bible contain that turn of phrase except those descended from the Catholic Bible and Erasmus' text.
            Meaning what friend. Aren't you paying attention; without that power scripture Brother Temperance would be a filthy, hell bound sodomite right now. Only God Himself can save us from transvestites since they look so hot.

            Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

            Hot Must ReadThreads!


            Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

              Originally posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
              Meaning what friend.
              Meaning the Landovarians are once again lock step with the Catholics. This is yet another endorsement for the NIV. It doesn't have the false doctrine of the Trinity in it.
              Proverbs 25:21-22 If thine enemy be hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink:
              For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the LORD shall reward thee.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

                Originally posted by Samuel Coleridge View Post
                Meaning the Landovarians are once again lock step with the Catholics. This is yet another endorsement for the NIV. It doesn't have the false doctrine of the Trinity in it.
                How can that be a Catholic doctrine. Catholics wants many gods to support their pagan notions. The Trinity means there is only one God.

                Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

                Hot Must ReadThreads!


                Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

                  Originally posted by Samuel Coleridge View Post
                  Meaning the Landovarians are once again lock step with the Catholics. This is yet another endorsement for the NIV. It doesn't have the false doctrine of the Trinity in it.
                  Funny since all these new watered down versions of the Bible have appeared (The NIV wasn't published until 1973) Christianity has become just as watered down.

                  I was reading over on BibleGateway, and it seems that copying and posting quotes out of the NIV on the internet is strictly prohibited.


                  These Scriptures have been made available on the Internet for your personal use only. Any other use including, but not limited to, copying or re-posting the Scripture on the Internet is prohibited.
                  Now why would the publishers want to restrict the usage of Holy Scripture?
                  PROOF: Atheists are too stupid to understand the Bible!

                  Proverbs 13:24(KJV): "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

                  Galatians 4:16 Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

                    Originally posted by Samuel Coleridge View Post
                    Meaning the Landovarians are once again lock step with the Catholics. This is yet another endorsement for the NIV. It doesn't have the false doctrine of the Trinity in it.
                    We are nothing like the Catholics. We believe in the Trinity of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, not the trinity of the Pope, the Virgin Mary and the Death Cookie.
                    O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



                    God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

                      Originally posted by Brother Temperance View Post
                      At this point, he accepted that I was right and Christianity was correct, and therefore we agreed that it would be morally wrong for him to sodomise me. Another soul saved for Christ.

                      Friends, we abandon the one True translation of God's Word at our peril!
                      Praise! Your prostate was spared the penetrating probing of that pervert! Well done, Brother!
                      Originally posted by Seth Campbell View Post
                      Funny since all these new watered down versions of the Bible have appeared (The NIV wasn't published until 1973) Christianity has become just as watered down.

                      I was reading over on BibleGateway, and it seems that copying and posting quotes out of the NIV on the internet is strictly prohibited.



                      Now why would the publishers want to restrict the usage of Holy Scripture?
                      They don't want people to copy the entire thing. It's copyrighted. They want to be able to SELL it!
                      Bible boring? Nonsense!
                      Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                      You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

                        Originally posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
                        They don't want people to copy the entire thing. It's copyrighted. They want to be able to SELL it!
                        Probably greedy Joos, wanting to make money of the Lord's Holy World.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

                          Originally posted by Brother Temperance View Post
                          So, at the weekend, as usual, I went out looking for drunken fornicating sinners to rebuke. Anyway...
                          Bless you, Brother Temperance.

                          It would be so easy for you to "fudge" about what happens on these pilgrimages of yours, but as always you give us the 101% unvarnished truth.

                          Jesus™ is surely walking at your very side as you bear witness to these lost souls of the night, and I'm always gladdened when you return to us with your reports, safe and sound once more.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

                            Originally posted by Mistress Cookie View Post
                            Bless you, Brother Temperance.

                            It would be so easy for you to "fudge" about what happens on these pilgrimages of yours, but as always you give us the 101% unvarnished truth.
                            Truly, our dear Brother is no "packer" of lies, Sister!

                            Like you, I am always relieved to hear that he has not been sodomized or otherwise violated.
                            Bible boring? Nonsense!
                            Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
                            You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: How the King James Bible saved me from anal sex!

                              I'm sure the NIV is demonic.

                              The Jerusalem Bible ©1966, however, is a useful companion volume to The Holy Bible (authorised version) ©1611.

                              Nobody should ever read the NIV!

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X