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Greetings brothers and sisters. I must apologize for my lengthy absence, but rest assured it was for a worthy cause.
You see, one day last year God saw fit to open my eyes to something that had been bouncing right in front of me, breasts. To be more specific, the Almighty caused me to contemplate breast cancer.
I know what you’re thinking. Why would our most fearsome and vengeful loving Father be in the least concerned over something as trivial as the bosoms of women. But rest assured my brethren, He is! For you see, a woman exists only to beget and suckle children, thus allowing her to function in the mundane role of a wife and helpmeet in the ample time between birthing and feeding. In essence then, a woman without a womb is useless. Likewise, a woman with only one breast is but half a woman, and a woman with no breasts is no woman at all.
I did a little research into the subject and was shocked to discover how little secular medicine has done on the subject. It soon became apparent that I would have to take matters into my own hands if a solution were to be found. I would have to become a Breastologist!
Imagine my surprise to discover that no medical schools offer a degree in Breastology. No wonder they haven’t found a way to prevent breast cancer. Nobody with any knowledge is actually studying the problem.
I therefore turned to the good people of Patriot University and sat about remedying this dilemma. With their assistance I was able to develop a course of study suitable to ascertain answers to the problem. The solution is based on real science, Creation Science! Two grueling weeks later I had attained my doctorate in Breastology. To date I am the only Breastologist in the world.
Having framed my printer friendly copy of my diploma, I now had the tools to begin addressing breast cancer. I have examined and interviewed over 4,000 breast cancer patients as of last month, and the preliminary data collected has pointed to a single cause of breast cancer in women. My findings may shock you, because it turns out that the answers provided by secular physicians and Big Pharma are incorrect. You see my brethren; I have ascertained that breast cancer is 100% preventable. Furthermore, I have identified the singular cause of breast cancer!
That cause, brothers and sisters, is sin!
Consider the following;
1. 98% of the sample population have in the past have worn clothing inappropriate to their gender, up to and including slacks, tank tops, sleeveless or short –sleeved blouses, blended fabrics, and/or men’s clothing. 81% confessed to wearing expensive clothing, gold, and pearls. All 100% admitted to having their hair braided at one time or another.
1 Timothy 2:9: In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
Deuteronomy 22:5: The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.
Deuteronomy 22:11: Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together.
Zephaniah 1:8: And it shall come to pass in the day of the Lord's sacrifice, that I will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel.
2. Likewise, 100% admitted to touching other people and objects during and after menstruation .
Leviticus 15:19-20: And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.
3. 52% of the sample population admitted to having sex before marriage. Of those, 28% admitted to having sex with multiple partners, and another 14% had never been married.
1 Corinthians 7:2: Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
2 Timothy 2:22: Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Hebrews 13:4: Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
1 Thessalonians 4:3: For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
4. 3% of the women confessed to engaging in fornication with another woman, and 1% of those surveyed admitted to the abomination of being lesbian.
Romans1:26: For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
5. 22% of those surveyed were in the educational profession.
1 Timothy 2:11-12: Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
6. While none of the women surveyed actually admitted to infernal carnal knowledge of an animal, 15% blushed so profusely as to lead this researcher to conclude they were lying. Another 32% engaged in evasive tactics such as asking me “What exactly is the definition of lying with beasts? Does it mean sleeping with my cat?” which led me again to conclude debaucherous deception was in order and giving me an estimate of 47% of those surveyed engaging in beastiality.
Exodus 22:19: Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death.
Leviticus 18:23: Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.
Leviticus 20:16: And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
While the data is still trickling in, from these preliminary findings the correlation between sin and breast cancer is irrefutable. Of over 4,000 breast cancer patients studied, every single one of them has committed one or more of the above sins. Clearly the cause of breast cancer is obvious. GOD IS PUNISHING THESE SINFUL HUSSIES!
Consider the following. Who are the most vocal advocates of breast cancer awareness? FEMINISTS! Those hairy legged, God hating, Satan worshiping, lesbian, jeans wearing, buzz cut headed, Women's Studies professing , goat molesting, menstruation reveling feminists are far and again the loudest mouths in breast cancer awareness. And God in His Divine Wisdom has seen fit to answer those abominations. His Holy Righteous answer is that those who choose to not act as women shall have their womanhood stricken from them. Glory! If they wish to act outside their gender, God shall render their already mostly useless gender completely and utterly useless by stripping them of their only redeeming features.
This however does not mean God wishes us to remain silent. Women are low enough on God’s ladder of importance as it is. We should each do our part to help them preserve their mostly useless status , and seek to thwart their decent into non-people status. We don’t want the vessels of our offspring to hold the same status as *Hispanics, do we?
No, brethren, as True Christians ™ we are obliged to encourage women to read the Bible and follow God’s plan for them. We need to explain to them as we would to a child that their value, such as it is, depends upon their womanly parts. This is a bridge between two worlds in a sense, as the one thing we can agree with the feminists about is that a woman without a bosom is not a person at all. Perhaps it is time to take a compassionate stance and stand alongside the unsaved granola munching obese God hating misandrists and proclaim a Holy War against the cause of breast cancer. Only don’t stand too close. You don’t want to accidentally be touched by one and have to go through the purification process.
A final word. My work as a Breastologist has inspired me to expand my research, and I am pleased to announce that I am one essay short of a degree in Gynecology through Patriot University as well. I hope to find time between revivals to practice breast and pelvic exams in a holy and pious manner 5 days a week beginning next month. Exams will be limited to 3 a day, and may take as long as 30 minutes, though I’m often done in 4 minutes or less. Glory!
*Hispanic is a professional term for Mexican. It comes from two words. Hiss, which is the noise made by the Mexican Hissing Cockroaches that invariably accompany Mexicans, and Panic, which is the typical reaction of people when Mexicans move in next door to them.
You see, one day last year God saw fit to open my eyes to something that had been bouncing right in front of me, breasts. To be more specific, the Almighty caused me to contemplate breast cancer.
I know what you’re thinking. Why would our most fearsome and vengeful loving Father be in the least concerned over something as trivial as the bosoms of women. But rest assured my brethren, He is! For you see, a woman exists only to beget and suckle children, thus allowing her to function in the mundane role of a wife and helpmeet in the ample time between birthing and feeding. In essence then, a woman without a womb is useless. Likewise, a woman with only one breast is but half a woman, and a woman with no breasts is no woman at all.
I did a little research into the subject and was shocked to discover how little secular medicine has done on the subject. It soon became apparent that I would have to take matters into my own hands if a solution were to be found. I would have to become a Breastologist!
Imagine my surprise to discover that no medical schools offer a degree in Breastology. No wonder they haven’t found a way to prevent breast cancer. Nobody with any knowledge is actually studying the problem.
I therefore turned to the good people of Patriot University and sat about remedying this dilemma. With their assistance I was able to develop a course of study suitable to ascertain answers to the problem. The solution is based on real science, Creation Science! Two grueling weeks later I had attained my doctorate in Breastology. To date I am the only Breastologist in the world.
Having framed my printer friendly copy of my diploma, I now had the tools to begin addressing breast cancer. I have examined and interviewed over 4,000 breast cancer patients as of last month, and the preliminary data collected has pointed to a single cause of breast cancer in women. My findings may shock you, because it turns out that the answers provided by secular physicians and Big Pharma are incorrect. You see my brethren; I have ascertained that breast cancer is 100% preventable. Furthermore, I have identified the singular cause of breast cancer!
That cause, brothers and sisters, is sin!
Consider the following;
1. 98% of the sample population have in the past have worn clothing inappropriate to their gender, up to and including slacks, tank tops, sleeveless or short –sleeved blouses, blended fabrics, and/or men’s clothing. 81% confessed to wearing expensive clothing, gold, and pearls. All 100% admitted to having their hair braided at one time or another.
1 Timothy 2:9: In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
Deuteronomy 22:5: The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.
Deuteronomy 22:11: Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together.
Zephaniah 1:8: And it shall come to pass in the day of the Lord's sacrifice, that I will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel.
2. Likewise, 100% admitted to touching other people and objects during and after menstruation .
Leviticus 15:19-20: And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. And every thing that she lieth upon in her separation shall be unclean: every thing also that she sitteth upon shall be unclean.
3. 52% of the sample population admitted to having sex before marriage. Of those, 28% admitted to having sex with multiple partners, and another 14% had never been married.
1 Corinthians 7:2: Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
2 Timothy 2:22: Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
Hebrews 13:4: Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.
1 Thessalonians 4:3: For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
4. 3% of the women confessed to engaging in fornication with another woman, and 1% of those surveyed admitted to the abomination of being lesbian.
Romans1:26: For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
5. 22% of those surveyed were in the educational profession.
1 Timothy 2:11-12: Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
6. While none of the women surveyed actually admitted to infernal carnal knowledge of an animal, 15% blushed so profusely as to lead this researcher to conclude they were lying. Another 32% engaged in evasive tactics such as asking me “What exactly is the definition of lying with beasts? Does it mean sleeping with my cat?” which led me again to conclude debaucherous deception was in order and giving me an estimate of 47% of those surveyed engaging in beastiality.
Exodus 22:19: Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death.
Leviticus 18:23: Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.
Leviticus 20:16: And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
While the data is still trickling in, from these preliminary findings the correlation between sin and breast cancer is irrefutable. Of over 4,000 breast cancer patients studied, every single one of them has committed one or more of the above sins. Clearly the cause of breast cancer is obvious. GOD IS PUNISHING THESE SINFUL HUSSIES!
Consider the following. Who are the most vocal advocates of breast cancer awareness? FEMINISTS! Those hairy legged, God hating, Satan worshiping, lesbian, jeans wearing, buzz cut headed, Women's Studies professing , goat molesting, menstruation reveling feminists are far and again the loudest mouths in breast cancer awareness. And God in His Divine Wisdom has seen fit to answer those abominations. His Holy Righteous answer is that those who choose to not act as women shall have their womanhood stricken from them. Glory! If they wish to act outside their gender, God shall render their already mostly useless gender completely and utterly useless by stripping them of their only redeeming features.
This however does not mean God wishes us to remain silent. Women are low enough on God’s ladder of importance as it is. We should each do our part to help them preserve their mostly useless status , and seek to thwart their decent into non-people status. We don’t want the vessels of our offspring to hold the same status as *Hispanics, do we?
No, brethren, as True Christians ™ we are obliged to encourage women to read the Bible and follow God’s plan for them. We need to explain to them as we would to a child that their value, such as it is, depends upon their womanly parts. This is a bridge between two worlds in a sense, as the one thing we can agree with the feminists about is that a woman without a bosom is not a person at all. Perhaps it is time to take a compassionate stance and stand alongside the unsaved granola munching obese God hating misandrists and proclaim a Holy War against the cause of breast cancer. Only don’t stand too close. You don’t want to accidentally be touched by one and have to go through the purification process.
A final word. My work as a Breastologist has inspired me to expand my research, and I am pleased to announce that I am one essay short of a degree in Gynecology through Patriot University as well. I hope to find time between revivals to practice breast and pelvic exams in a holy and pious manner 5 days a week beginning next month. Exams will be limited to 3 a day, and may take as long as 30 minutes, though I’m often done in 4 minutes or less. Glory!
*Hispanic is a professional term for Mexican. It comes from two words. Hiss, which is the noise made by the Mexican Hissing Cockroaches that invariably accompany Mexicans, and Panic, which is the typical reaction of people when Mexicans move in next door to them.
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