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ManCrushMonday – disgusting new Instagram trend
The U.S. Department of Family Values works diligently to detect and prevent threats to family values, capitalism and national security. Surveilling social media and profiling the users is crucial to protect the youth against increasing rates of divorce, abortions, homosexuality and atheism/autism.
During a routine checkup, an agent of the U.S. Department of Family Values discovered something awful on Instagram. Fat women are posting photos on slim men who they want to crush by sitting on their stomach or face. Few men survive having a 200 lbs or heavier woman on top of them.
“And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.
And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted.”
- Numbers 11:33-34
“Crush doesn’t mean that”, every liberal atheist hipster will object. But by denying Jesus by changing the meaning of words every season, all they accomplish is making “mancrushmonday” work as a codename for what it literally means. So convenient for the man crushers, who currently score 4.2 million posts on Instagram with no agency but the U.S. Department of Family Values taking the threat seriously.
“For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed.”
- Malachi 3:6
Most men who are targeted for death by crushing does not realize the danger, by listening to liberal redefinitions of words instead of Jesus.
“Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.”
- Hebrews 13:8
How many of those 4.2 million are American lives at risk? A rough estimate of Instagram usage based on population and factoring in obesity rates, tech savviness and savageness gives 30 percent Americans, 30 percent Europeans, 30 percent Asians and ten percent from lesser countries. That’s almost 1.3 million American lives at risk.
How to protect yourself and your family:
During a routine checkup, an agent of the U.S. Department of Family Values discovered something awful on Instagram. Fat women are posting photos on slim men who they want to crush by sitting on their stomach or face. Few men survive having a 200 lbs or heavier woman on top of them.
“And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.
And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted.”
- Numbers 11:33-34
“Crush doesn’t mean that”, every liberal atheist hipster will object. But by denying Jesus by changing the meaning of words every season, all they accomplish is making “mancrushmonday” work as a codename for what it literally means. So convenient for the man crushers, who currently score 4.2 million posts on Instagram with no agency but the U.S. Department of Family Values taking the threat seriously.
“For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed.”
- Malachi 3:6
Most men who are targeted for death by crushing does not realize the danger, by listening to liberal redefinitions of words instead of Jesus.
“Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and to day, and for ever.”
- Hebrews 13:8
How many of those 4.2 million are American lives at risk? A rough estimate of Instagram usage based on population and factoring in obesity rates, tech savviness and savageness gives 30 percent Americans, 30 percent Europeans, 30 percent Asians and ten percent from lesser countries. That’s almost 1.3 million American lives at risk.
How to protect yourself and your family:
- Spank your kids with a rod.
“Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.
Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell.”
- Proverbs 23:13-14 - If you find yourself tagged #mancrushmonday, immediately turn off the phone, avoid the use of all electronics for a week and escape to an undisclosed location.
- If your adult son lives with you, add a “no fat chicks” rule to the house terms of service.
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