BACK TO SCHOOL! Back to sexual misconduct allegations!

It's August 2nd, which means I'm already a day late in Back To School preparations!

Since homeschooling is the standard here, that just means planning the extracurricular social events. Because I'm such a helpful person, I hereby self-appoint myself as the official self-appointed undocumented social events planner.

Social events are all about fun, and nothing says "fun" like strategizing to avoid sexual misconduct allegations!

Sexual misconduct allegations (hereafter referred to as "rape") means the following: shaking hands, touching shoulders (hereafter referred to as "lifting skirts"), having the sort of face that women find discomforting, trying to find jobs in industries that feminists want to control, or otherwise being a nerdy weirdo.

That's right, keep your hands where I can see 'em:

Being black and nerdy is the worst of both worlds, as your brown skin makes women uncomfortable, but your high intelligence means you lack the redeeming quality of actually being black.

Parties

Parties are problematic, people talk about "rubbing shoulders with so-and-so" and next thing you know some autistic retard takes this literally and thinks that shoulders can be legally touched. This is seems to be the case in almost every venue.

However, from my research I've discovered one venue that never gets any sexual misconduct complaints: outlaw biker gang clubhouses:

Bonus: they support gun control.

I did some internet searches for sexual+misconduct+allegation+biker+gang and found nothing. The top results had nothing to do with biker gangs, in fact the only mention of biker gangs is a puff piece talking about how heroic they are, helping abused children by, I dunno, being their actual fathers or something.

Over at google, the top result is about drug charges, result number two is the same puff piece and number 3 is a wikipedia page listing crimes by Hell's Angel's members, all honorable duels I assume, because there's no actual section on sexual misconduct. So in short, Neil DeGrasse Tyson is 3 times as bad as all of the Hell's Angel's in the world combined!

Ski trip

I searched for "sexual misconduct allegations Pakistan" and it looks like you're safe as long as you don't bring any German diplomats with you, because THEY are rapey. Also something-something "colonial-era LGBTQZ laws" because of course Islamic countries were always friendly to gays until the westerners forced them to change, and changed them so hard that after 50+ years of independence the Pakistanis still haven't remembered how gay-friendly Islam is. The Koran is a big book, I guess they haven't read that far yet.

Oh, there's also Bill Clinton-esque political scandals and something that led to arrests, but when brown people get arrested they are always innocent. Therefore, no sexual misconduct in Pakistan.

Spring Break

Somalia is an ideal spring break location, the top result is actually an article about rape allegations against a warlords army being being false. That's right, an exoneration, something utterly unprecedented for the #metoo movement.* If Neil DeGrasse Tyson doesn't want his wikipedia page forever stained by the accusations of a spoon-bending acid-casualty who confused him with Bill Cosby, he had better join up with Somalian warlord's army.

The second result involves Canadians who were there 30+ years ago. That's right: Somalia is such a feminist utopia that the only time anything creepy ever happened there, it was 30+ years ago with those wimpy Canadians to blame.

Then there are two more copies of the exoneration story and something about a "A Surrey acupuncturist" which is the sort of person I'll assume is a rapist even if no women ever accuses him of anything.

Finally, we come to the closest thing to Somalian problematics: a report on a Human Rights Watch report that completely disagrees with the 3 higher-ranked articles, and states that yes, soldiers in Somalia actually do shake hands/make eye contact/commit gangrapes and torture/touch people on the shoulder. But they won't be at our parties, because we won't allow guns at our parties. Unless they're one of those armies that still uses spears though. I guess we'll just have to update the second amendment so it also bans spears.

Anyway I don't trust Human Right's Watch, there's a link to how British experts are teaching the Somalians how to be more feminist, which sounds like colonialism, and contains hatefacts like this:

For example, the UN Secretary General’s August 2014 report on the Central African Republic estimated that 44.5% of people, that’s nearly half of the whole population including children, had been subjected to sexual violence that year alone.

But of course the UN Secretary General in 2014 was a Korean, and those guys are everything that makes little white nerds creepy, only more so.

Here he is giving the Hitler salute:

*Unless you want to wait 329 years, like the victims of the Salem witch trials. I guess the updated hashtag should be #believeallwomenfor329years