Chicken of the Sea Mermaid and Other Mascots That Offend Me

[Old Man Hatchet]

There are many, many advertising mascots that fill me with righteous indignation. I have already touched upon the Pillsbury Doughboy, Frankenberry, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, Chef Boyardee, Snuggle Bear, as well as Ronald McDonald et al. Here are some more. . .


The Chicken of the Sea Mermaid



This half-fish, half-woman is one hundred percent tramp. She has a shapely fish tail, curvy hips, a tight torso, and ample bosom. To top it off, she holds a phallic scepter. How many otherwise pure-minded men have had dirty thoughts about opening her can of tuna? The answer is countless. Shame on you, Ralston Purina, Inc.


The Hamburger Helper Helping Hand



Ostensibly this mascot is supposed to help your wife prepare dinner in a timely fashion, but his knowing smirk and wiggly, phallic fingers suggest he would like to help himself to your wife's cooter. The number of women who have gone to hell for having illicit thoughts about the Helping Hand is incalculable.


The Dutch Boy



One word: gay. Two more words: big time.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

As a Christian I can not believe the level of ocular abuse we must endure in this smut filled society. Secular advertising seems to just live to rub pornographic imagery into out faces. The fact they attach it to our food means they are trying to shove it down our very throats like some kind of stand in for Satan’s tallywacker.

That Chicken of the Sea mermaid alone has done incapable mischief here in Freehold among the young men. Going by the number of calls we get in church security being spiritually violated by that fish tailed succubus almost seems like a right of passage among young men. Even a good mother like Sister Bible Thumbing Blonde had deal with her own son being tempted by incest by proxy by that cartoon harlot.

Look at that knowing smile on that mermaid. She is mocking us!

[Stridex Puss Bucket]

Then buy a different Tuna brand
that dutch boy is creepy too

[Nobar King]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

What about this salty girl?


Skirt a little short, eh? And why is she spilling all that salt in the rain? To show off her wealth to potential suitors? Salt isn't really the symbol of wealth it used to be.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

Then buy a different Tuna brand

Grow up.

[Old Man Hatchet]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

The Vlasic Stork



I don't think I have to explain this one.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

Then buy a different Tuna brand
that dutch boy is creepy too

Thank you Mr Mouthpiece of the Left Wing Talking Machine.

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

Praise Brother Hatchet! Once again you are on the forefront of identifying the vile and degenerate iconography and symbolism rampant in our culture. These "memes" subtly affect the subconscious relationship between food and things that are acceptable to put on our mouths – all meant to drive us into perversion and sin.

One of the worst offenders is Peter Pan Peanut Butter. Now we all know what "Peter" stands for, but few are aware that "Pan" stands for the pan flute in the original character created by Scottish novelist and playwright J. M. Barrie ("Peter" played the "Pan" flute – with obvious oral and phallic references). Peter Pan inhabited a place called "Neverland", which not so coincidently was the name given the "ranch" constructed by that child pedophile Michael Jackson. The character Peter Pan spends his time interacting with fairies and "never grows up", which boldly posits to our children that there is nothing wrong with a lifetime of sexual perversion.

The following exhibit shows the word "Creamy" prominently displayed on the label. I find myself incapable of setting to words the implication of this. There is also a figure of Peter Pan "flying" with a trail of "stars" that looks suspiciously like a propulsion method spewing forth from his rectum that Brother Jeb identified as being utilized by Super Mario.

Peter Pan Peanut Butter <=> Homerism

[Silent Wench]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

Oh, sweet! You call it homerism, too. I'm amongst mates in here!
Does anybody know whatever happened to all those Kellog cereal cartoons? They were all vicious animals and the like. How's that supposed to make tikes hungry?

[Old Man Hatchet]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

I'm amongst mates in here

You are most certainly not. Nobody here wants to fornicate with you, fruitcake. Make one more lurid pass, and I will ban you just as surely as you enjoy Broadway musicals.

[Talitha]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

I found this horrific product recently.
I was so disgusted I smashed every single bottle of this Sodomite product and have sent several hundred letters to the company that produces such a product.

LOOK! Just LOOK at this picture depicting what is obviously a man wearing a skirt sat on the lap of a towel-headed terrorist partaking in anal sex whilst sharing a cup of tea.

[Nobar King]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

Brother Hatchett, I don't know if this image falls under the category of this thread, but I was interested in your interpretation of it:

[Nobar King]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

This one is just for ideas:

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive

Brother Hatchet, an old nemises of yours has been caught RED handed, imposing itself on an otherwise reasonable ladies cooking program...

[SUV]

Re: Advertising Mascots That I Find Offensive



I have always Righteously Despised this happy little homer. What might be under that apron that's so "Poppin' Fresh"?
Nauseating!

And the way he prances around all doughy and jiggly-like practically shrieks, "Eat Me!"
Disgusting