Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

[Faith_Machine]

My dear friends, I need your prayers and, most of all your financial assistance.

As I'm sure you've heard, there are many judgmental clerics out there who condemn the practice of grave soaking.

I, however, had grown increasingly intrigued by the tantalizing possibility that I might absorb a great, deceased pastor's powerful anointing by laying upon his grave.

I began my quest by traveling to Freehold (many thanks to Mayor Johnny Joe Hold for arranging for me to be let through the gates after I agreed to a repayment schedule for my delinquent tithes) and seeking out the grave of Pastor Zeke's dear, revered father, the legendary Lamentations Flint.

I lay upon the elder Flint's grave for more than 48 hours, without getting up to eat, drink, or use the bathroom.

At the end of those two days, I was absolutely bursting with Lamentations Flint's anointing! My heart raced and my body felt as though it were charged with electricity!

After running through town and blessing everybody I encountered, I got in my car for the long drive back to California.

I did not sleep for days, such was my supercharged spiritual state!

Unfortunately, my humble 1987 Dodge Aries K-Car did not respond to being run at wide-open throttle for hundreds of miles, and the engine seized up on me in Carson City, NV.

I am sorry to say I have come down and "crashed" from my earlier "high." I had spent my last dime on gasoline in Utah, and so I was forced to sleep in the K-Car right where it broke down on the side of the road.

I'm not sure what day it is, and as you might expect, Carson City gets really cold at night during this time of year.

Could somebody please send me a few dollars via Western Union, Venmo, or PayPal? I'm hoping to take Greyhound or Megabus back home.

Thank you so much!

[Phil Ander]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

Brother Faith,

Better than a few dollars, I'm sending my Thoughts and Prayers.


Hope that helps


Phil

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

I've been working the phones to get help to you, Brother Faith.

First, stop down at City Hall there in Carson City. My friend, Mayor Lori Bagwell, graduated from Jerry Falwell's Liberty University and is a Baptist through and through.

Lori will put in a good word for you at, Focus House, the wonderful shelter there in Carson City. It's at 138 East Long Street. The place is running quite full, but she knows people who can get you in.

Once you are settled in Focus House, tell the management you need a bus ticket to California. They have been giving out bus tickets to help homeless leave Nevada so it should be no problem.

You have had a very successful trip and help is on the way.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

Thank you for your kind assistance, Mayor Hold! The accommodations at Focus House weren't very nice, however, and they only gave me a bag lunch to eat during the bus ride. Could you possibly wire me $60 so I can get some snacks and drinks when the bus pauses at a rest stop along the way?

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

Brother Faith, when I'm low on liquidity I get my advisor to take out a loan against my stock portfolio. Yes, you take a loss on the interest but it hedges against short term volatility and in any case is tax deductible. That's what I would do.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

Here is a way to pick up some easy pocket change. While the bus in rolling, stand in the front and sing a few Christmas carols. Then say, "It's been an honor to sing for you. Please drop a tip in my hat as I come through the bus." You'll be pleasantly surprised.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

Put that sweet historic American automobile (it saved Chrysler, donchano) (once) on Bring A Trailer. Not running? No problem, these days some hipster will electrify that thing. Imagine a 3 second to 60mph K-car.

[Dennis Lukes]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

What right have you to suck the grave of Lamentations Flint? If anyone should be sucking him it should be his son, Pastor Ezekiel Flint. And the constant begging for money is getting tiresome. Landover is not a poor persons' church.

[WWJDnow]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

Brother Faith Machine,

I would gladly help you by sending some pocket cash for your trip, but giving money to people in need just creates a culture of dependency, and I know you don't want that to happen to you.

So please stop acting like a negro and go find a job wherever you are. Jesus didn't make us wealthy just to give handouts to lazy men; he did it to reward our faith and devotion to Him. That's what Christian charity is all about.

Yours in Christ,

WWJDnow

P.S. Like brother Anders, I will pray for you. Mostly I'll pray that you stop begging and get off your a$$ and start working for a living.

P.P.S This better not turn out to be a scam to get the church to reduce your tithe like the last time. Remember, Jesus and our Landover Baptist Church deacons are watching you.

P.P.P.S. Don't even think about selling your semen. Poverty is no defense to the sin of spilling your seed.

P.P.P.P.S. I don't know about grave soaking, but please stop trying to soak us.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

FOLKS, we have a change of plans!

I have been in touch with THE PRESIDENT OF THE CHRYSLER K-CAR CLUB, and he believes my Dodge Aries can and should be saved!

After much troubleshooting over the phone, our president has determined the problem is with my car's Mikuni carburetor, which needs to be replaced.

I remind you all the state of California is steadily eradicating classic cars, using "Cash for clunkers" style incentives to get them off the road.

In fact, mine could well be the last 1987 Dodge Aries with this specific color and trim level in all of California.

Unfortunately, a Mikuni carburetor for a 1987 Aries is no easy thing to come by. I'm going to need about $800, preferably via Venmo or Cashapp.

If each church member who sees this post chips in just a little bit, I think we can reach our goal in no time.

Thank you!

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

FOLKS, we have a change of plans!
After much troubleshooting over the phone, our president has determined the problem is with my car's Mikuni carburetor, which needs to be replaced.
In fact, mine could well be the last 1987 Dodge Aries with this specific color and trim level in all of California.
Unfortunately, a Mikuni carburetor for a 1987 Aries is no easy thing to come by. I'm going to need about $800, preferably via Venmo or Cashapp.
Thank you!

Let's all unite and help Faith. I'd asking that anyone in Freehold with a 1987 Aries and a Mikuni carb to send it to Faith. It can be a loaner until he gets back to CA and can locate one to buy. We who are deep in the faith need to help one another.

This car, the K-Car, saved Crysler from closing its doors in the '80's.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

Let's all unite and help Faith. I'd asking that anyone in Freehold with a 1987 Aries and a Mikuni carb to send it to Faith. It can be a loaner until he gets back to CA and can locate one to buy. We who are deep in the faith need to help one another.

I would like to announce the launch of a new fundraising committee "The New Mikuni Carb Fund to Help Poor Members". Nominations for Chair, Vice Chair and Deputy Chair are being accepted. The first order of business will be to appoint an executive board and develop a plan of action. Good causes will be selected from grant applications in 3 rounds and dispersed from the donation funds minus any expenses. I look forward to seeing Brother Faith's ideas for self-improvement and how he plans to achieve them and how important the committee has been in growing his commitment to Christ.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

Besides helping our friend, Faith, we need to get behind preservation of the pride of Crysler, the K Car. It was innovative, sleek in appearance and an absolute terror on the road. Since it was manufactured only briefly people today must wait in line for one to come up for sale. Any young man driving one of these had ladies turning on the charm.

Here is a picture of one the same year as that of Brother Faith. Sorry, this one is not for sale:

[WWJDnow]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

I love the way the K-cars look. American cars today lack style because they're all designed around the liberal hoaxes of passenger safety and environmental protection. Seriously, when we re-elect Donald Trump as President again, he needs to get rid of these stupid safety and environmental regulations, rather than waiting for the conservative Supreme Court to do it for him.

Unfortunately, for all of the merits of K-cars as eye candy, I can't get onboard with the preservation efforts now that I know they use Mikuni carburetors. I only support cars that feature good, old-fashioned American carburetors.

BTW, where's your external gun rack, brother Faith Machine? If you make pilgrimage to the Landover Baptist Church and drive that car in Iowa without a gun rack, you're going to get stopped.

[Didymus Much]

Re: Please help: Grave Soaking Mishap

... I can't get onboard with the preservation efforts now that I know they use Mikuni carburetors. I only support cars that feature good, old-fashioned American carburetors...

Nobody mention that they had Mitsubishi engines, ok?