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  • Good, Clean Christian Jokes

    A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a
    priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
    lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
    coat pocket.

    He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
    man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes

    The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
    cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
    sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned"
    and returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
    apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
    strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

    The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
    that the Pope does."
    Last edited by Daisy Mae Johnson; 01-24-2008, 03:09 PM.

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  • #2
    You really made me laugh, sister. Thank you!

    Yours in Christ
    Soon in Christ


    • #3
      Joe had two problems in life. He was having another fight with the wife and he was struggling with coming to grips on accepting God.

      One day as he was going through the Bible, he came upon this saying of Jesus:

      Matthew 22:30
      For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.

      He turned to his wife who was sitting there with him and remembering their wedding vows "...until death do you part..." he loudly exclaimed: "Yes, there IS a God!"

      Such Wisdom and wit.

      Sister Talitha

      Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.

      HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
      being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


      • #4
        Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

        A man went into a sex-shop to purchase an inflatable doll. The shopkeeper asks the man if he wants a male or female doll and the man answers that he prefers female dolls. Then the shopkeeper asks if the man would prefer the doll to be black or white, to which the man answers that he would like the doll to be white. Lastly the shopkeeper asks if the man would like the doll to be Muslim or Christian... Puzzled the man answers that he really can't imagine why that would matter, to which the shopkeeper replied: Well my good man, it does indeed make a difference, 'cause the Muslim dolls blow up themselves.
        A wise man’s heart inclines him to the right, but a fool’s heart to the left. (Ecclesiastes 10:2)


        • #5
          Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

          A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

          "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

          "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

          St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

          "A couple of minutes ago."

          Sister Talitha

          Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.

          HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
          being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


          • #6
            Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

            knock knock. Who is there? is old lady. old lady who? I am make you yodel. ha ha. I am hope this is bring smile.


            • #7
              Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

              once upon a times a drunkin hobo staggereds into a catlick church, an entereds a confesshunal booth. the priest sat an waiteds for the hobo to start confessin, but the hobo saids nothin. so the priest knockeds on the wall to get the hobo's attenshun, but the hobo real quiets, he not say a words . the preist knockeds again, this time real louds, an the hobo finally spoked, he saids "it ain't no use a-knockin, cuz there be no toilet papers on this side niether."

              a liddle Joo boy come home from skool an tells his momma that he gots a part in the skool play. she ask "what be the part?" an he real prouds, he say "i be playin a Joo husbind" . his momma get real mads an she say "go back an tell that teecher that you wants a speakin part!"


              • #8
                Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                Why don't Irishers fornicate with negroes?

                Because they're afraid their children will be too lazy to steal.
                O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.

                God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.


                • #9
                  Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                  Question: What do you call a Negra GPS?

                  Answer: Uncle Tom-Tom

                  Sister Talitha

                  Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.

                  HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
                  being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


                  • #10
                    Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                    A Jew and a Muslim

                    A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
                    Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
                    Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a
                    little old Jewish man at a small stand selling neckties.

                    The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

                    The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
                    tie? They are only $5.

                    "The Arab shouted, "Idiot Jew! Israel should not exist! I do not
                    need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must
                    find water first."

                    "OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the water you need. Shalom.

                    Muttering, the Arab staggered away over the hill. Several hours
                    later he staggered back.

                    "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

                    Sister Talitha

                    Markswoman, Circumcisionist, Platinum Tither.

                    HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
                    being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41


                    • #11
                      Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                      I know some of you have already heard this, but here's my favorite clean joke:

                      Q What do you call a dog with no hind legs and a metal tail?

                      A Sparkey
                      Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.


                      • #12
                        Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                        BibleThumpingBlonde steps onto a city bus one spring day and finds it full. With her obvious charms in full display, she walks up to this Catholic Priest and asks if she can have his seat, as she is pregnant. The good Padre relinquishes his place to her but cannot help notice how lithe and voluptuous she appears.

                        "Excuse me miss." Says the humble servant of Jesus

                        "How long have you been pregnant for?"

                        Sister Thumper smiles and says...

                        "A half hour or so."

                        Bless you my slow Children,
                        Father Mo
                        A Cardinal in the making.


                        • #13
                          Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                          The Good Wife
                          A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer.
                          As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "I would like to propose a toast to you! Honey, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. And her husband looked into her eyes and said, "I think you're bad luck."
                          And ye shall tread down the wicked; for they shall be ashes under the soles of your feet in the day that I shall do this, saith the Lord of hosts. Malachi 4.3

                          Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
                          Pslams 51:7


                          • #14
                            Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                            A booster cable walks into a bar. The bartender says...

                            "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


                            • #15
                              Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes

                              An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

                              The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff.... dad... I became a prostitute...."

                              Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

                              "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

                              "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad

                              Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

                              "Oh! Bejesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a 'Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
                              Who Will Jesus Damn?

                              Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

                              Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

                              Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!