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Please bookmark this page and check daily for updates on the latest terrorist threats, and what you can do to keep your family safe.
April 16th '15: In a major security failure, clearly Obama's fault, which I will call Choppergate, a man used a weird, nerdy vehicle to get past a fence, allowing him entry into a public building. Worse, he was heavily armed with "letters to congress", which he could have used to dish out brutal papercuts. I hear there was a second conspirator on the "grassy knoll", so to speak, with lemon juice, to be rubbed into the papercuts of every member of congress.
On the bright side, I am reassured to see that people still have a healthy fear of the unusual, and distrust of weird people and their weird technology. Are you paying attention, nerds who want flying cars? You're never going to get them, because we can't risk having weird people going to public buildings with them.
Even the guy from "The Hurt Locker" is afraid of nerdmobiles.
September 17th '13: Mass shooting at Washington Naval Yard:
The Air Force Times reports that the area of the Washington Navy Yard where the shooting occurred was as well guarded as the pentagon itself:
What does this mean? It means THE PENTAGON IS VULNERABLE! Obviously the 1,000,000,000+ terrorists in America have found this out and are decending on the Pentagon right now! As every NRA member knows, mass shootings happen because we don't have enough armed kindergarten teachers and husky 12-year-old boys around.
Fellow patriots, your orders are to find husky 12-year old boys are deliver them to Pastor Ezekiel's learjet at Freehold Airport. Due to limited space, each boy may be individually screened to test for sufficient huskiness.
September 16th '13: I have heard reports that a public-school math teacher was teaching children ARABIC NUMERALS!
December 31st: Massive I.E.D. network uncovered!
December 22nd: Be on the lookout for pumpkin-headed sex-offenders.
November 7th: Terrorist halloween parties!
October 8th: Al Queda sending coded messages the grunts and moans of phone sex!
August 26th:
ALERT! TERRORISTS ARE EVERYWHERE! There are 8 year old terrorists, terrorist attorney generals, and even terrorist pilots who are allowed to bring guns onto their planes!
Worst of all, they have recieved sophisticated training in advanced infiltration tactics such as replacing their first name with an initial, or going by their middle name.
THERE ARE ONE MILLION TERRORISTS AMONG US AND THEY KNOW HOW TO USE INITIALS!
May 26th:
Job Opening!
December 13th:
Al Queda has recruited recent college graduates to go to sperm-donor clinics, smuggling in vials of Saddam Hussien's preserved sperm, so that they can pass off Saddam's sperm as their own.
The plan is that 9 months from now, there will be an economy-shattering mass panic as Saddam's sons and daughters start being born all over America.
Of course, True Christians do not engage in the baby-murdering practise of artificial insemination, but I'm still posting this just as a general heads-up.
November 30th:
Okay, I trust all of you are keeping up-to-date with the recent 9-11-all-over-again in New Hampshire. Yes, once again a drunken man has duct-taped roadflares to his chest and is threatening to do something rash - perhaps using the flares to blind someone (those things are bright, you know).
Anyone who purchases or sells duct take and/or road flares is to be immediately apprehended. A extra house-search has been added to the schedual, to round up anyone who has duct tape and/or road flares in their house or vehicle.
Some might say this is an overreaction, but whose side are you on? You're either with us, or with the drunken crazy people who want to light up road flares in your face and make you blind.
No word yet on whether we will be getting Homeland Security money to pay for the 90,000 sunglasses that have been ordered for immediate delivery, so I expect extra money on the collection plates this Sunday!
NOVEMBER 22ND:
New reports from undisclosed high-level sources indicate that Iran is planning to recruit obese and/or black women into Islam. These women will then have large lumps of body fat liposuctioned from them, and one lung removed. Then the empty space will be filled with explosives, and these "chubby bombs" will be used to infiltrate aircraft and fundraising events for republican politicians.
All men are urged to inspect all obese and/or black women for implanted explosives. Watch their buttocks or "booty" for lack of wiggleage. Feel all fatty parts of their body for explosives. As they may use plastic explosives, which are soft, you will have to be forcefull.
Women with large fatty areas who wish to attend republican fundraisers are asked to arrive at least one hour early, due to inspection-related delays.
November 21st:
Landover Security, during a routine warrantless search of brown people's homes, uncovered this piece of chilling evidence:
As you can clearly see, this is a terrorist training manual. It is designed to recruit white children into Islam (Note the Hijab, or veil). As you can also see, the plan is to have these brainwashed children plant landmines in parks and on hiking trails.
All parks and trails have been closed as a result. If you see someone in a park or on a path, you are to shoot them on sight.
April 16th '15: In a major security failure, clearly Obama's fault, which I will call Choppergate, a man used a weird, nerdy vehicle to get past a fence, allowing him entry into a public building. Worse, he was heavily armed with "letters to congress", which he could have used to dish out brutal papercuts. I hear there was a second conspirator on the "grassy knoll", so to speak, with lemon juice, to be rubbed into the papercuts of every member of congress.
On the bright side, I am reassured to see that people still have a healthy fear of the unusual, and distrust of weird people and their weird technology. Are you paying attention, nerds who want flying cars? You're never going to get them, because we can't risk having weird people going to public buildings with them.
Even the guy from "The Hurt Locker" is afraid of nerdmobiles.
The Air Force Times reports that the area of the Washington Navy Yard where the shooting occurred was as well guarded as the pentagon itself:
Originally posted by Air Force Times
Fellow patriots, your orders are to find husky 12-year old boys are deliver them to Pastor Ezekiel's learjet at Freehold Airport. Due to limited space, each boy may be individually screened to test for sufficient huskiness.
September 16th '13: I have heard reports that a public-school math teacher was teaching children ARABIC NUMERALS!
December 31st: Massive I.E.D. network uncovered!
December 22nd: Be on the lookout for pumpkin-headed sex-offenders.
November 7th: Terrorist halloween parties!
October 8th: Al Queda sending coded messages the grunts and moans of phone sex!
August 26th:
ALERT! TERRORISTS ARE EVERYWHERE! There are 8 year old terrorists, terrorist attorney generals, and even terrorist pilots who are allowed to bring guns onto their planes!
Worst of all, they have recieved sophisticated training in advanced infiltration tactics such as replacing their first name with an initial, or going by their middle name.
THERE ARE ONE MILLION TERRORISTS AMONG US AND THEY KNOW HOW TO USE INITIALS!
SAN FRANCISCO, California (CNN) -- James Robinson is a retired Air National Guard brigadier general and a commercial pilot for a major airline who flies passenger planes around the country.
He has even been certified by the Transportation Security Administration to carry a weapon into the cockpit as part of the government's defense program should a terrorist try to commandeer a plane.
But there's one problem: James Robinson, the pilot, has difficulty even getting to his plane because his name is on the government's terrorist "watch list."
....more than 1 million names have been added to the watch list since the September 11 attacks....
Besides the airline pilot, there's the James Robinson who served as U.S. attorney in Detroit, Michigan, and as an assistant attorney general in the Clinton administration; and James Robinson of California, who loves tennis, swimming and flying to the East Coast to see his grandmother.
He's 8.
The third-grader has been on the watch list since he was 5 years old. Asked whether he is a terrorist, he said, "I don't know."
...
Denise Robinson says she tells the skycaps her son is on the list, tips heavily and is given boarding passes. And booking her son as "J. Pierce Robinson" also has let the family bypass the watch list hassle.
Capt. James Robinson said he has learned that "Jim Robinson" and "J.K. Robinson" are not on the list.
And Griffin has tested its effectiveness. When he runs his first and middle name together when making a reservation online, he has no problem checking in at the airport.
He has even been certified by the Transportation Security Administration to carry a weapon into the cockpit as part of the government's defense program should a terrorist try to commandeer a plane.
But there's one problem: James Robinson, the pilot, has difficulty even getting to his plane because his name is on the government's terrorist "watch list."
....more than 1 million names have been added to the watch list since the September 11 attacks....
Besides the airline pilot, there's the James Robinson who served as U.S. attorney in Detroit, Michigan, and as an assistant attorney general in the Clinton administration; and James Robinson of California, who loves tennis, swimming and flying to the East Coast to see his grandmother.
He's 8.
The third-grader has been on the watch list since he was 5 years old. Asked whether he is a terrorist, he said, "I don't know."
...
Denise Robinson says she tells the skycaps her son is on the list, tips heavily and is given boarding passes. And booking her son as "J. Pierce Robinson" also has let the family bypass the watch list hassle.
Capt. James Robinson said he has learned that "Jim Robinson" and "J.K. Robinson" are not on the list.
And Griffin has tested its effectiveness. When he runs his first and middle name together when making a reservation online, he has no problem checking in at the airport.
Job Opening!
December 13th:
Al Queda has recruited recent college graduates to go to sperm-donor clinics, smuggling in vials of Saddam Hussien's preserved sperm, so that they can pass off Saddam's sperm as their own.
The plan is that 9 months from now, there will be an economy-shattering mass panic as Saddam's sons and daughters start being born all over America.
Of course, True Christians do not engage in the baby-murdering practise of artificial insemination, but I'm still posting this just as a general heads-up.
November 30th:
Okay, I trust all of you are keeping up-to-date with the recent 9-11-all-over-again in New Hampshire. Yes, once again a drunken man has duct-taped roadflares to his chest and is threatening to do something rash - perhaps using the flares to blind someone (those things are bright, you know).
Anyone who purchases or sells duct take and/or road flares is to be immediately apprehended. A extra house-search has been added to the schedual, to round up anyone who has duct tape and/or road flares in their house or vehicle.
Some might say this is an overreaction, but whose side are you on? You're either with us, or with the drunken crazy people who want to light up road flares in your face and make you blind.
No word yet on whether we will be getting Homeland Security money to pay for the 90,000 sunglasses that have been ordered for immediate delivery, so I expect extra money on the collection plates this Sunday!
NOVEMBER 22ND:
New reports from undisclosed high-level sources indicate that Iran is planning to recruit obese and/or black women into Islam. These women will then have large lumps of body fat liposuctioned from them, and one lung removed. Then the empty space will be filled with explosives, and these "chubby bombs" will be used to infiltrate aircraft and fundraising events for republican politicians.
All men are urged to inspect all obese and/or black women for implanted explosives. Watch their buttocks or "booty" for lack of wiggleage. Feel all fatty parts of their body for explosives. As they may use plastic explosives, which are soft, you will have to be forcefull.
Women with large fatty areas who wish to attend republican fundraisers are asked to arrive at least one hour early, due to inspection-related delays.
November 21st:
Landover Security, during a routine warrantless search of brown people's homes, uncovered this piece of chilling evidence:
As you can clearly see, this is a terrorist training manual. It is designed to recruit white children into Islam (Note the Hijab, or veil). As you can also see, the plan is to have these brainwashed children plant landmines in parks and on hiking trails.
All parks and trails have been closed as a result. If you see someone in a park or on a path, you are to shoot them on sight.
Have been confiscated and replaced with: 
Donate to the Sacred Life Sperm Bank today! "
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