[terra_godard7]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

We can only do this when we have a name "Scarlet"...

Who?

[Wide-Open]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

So... did anyone do a "bastard chack" on me, yet? 'Cause I haven't heard a damn thing from anyone about it.
.
.
.
...I guess not.

We can only do this when we have a name "Scarlet"...

[terra_godard7]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

So... did anyone do a "bastard chack" on me, yet? 'Cause I haven't heard a damn thing from anyone about it.
.
.
.
...I guess not.

[Capt. Aaron Portway]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

Brothers and Sisters,
I think this is a great program! If only LBC had it going a few years back when I got Saved, my salvation would have been alot simpler (and MUCH less expensive).

As all of the True Christians™ and Pastors here know, I was raised on a commune by dirty, stinking hippies. Even my mother couldn't be sure who my father was, as she was a filthy slut who would fall on her back for whoever offered her narcotics. I never had a birth certificate, and up until the day she died from Hepatitis C, my tramp of a Mom called me her Bouncing Baby Bastard. The only thing that helps me sleep at night is knowing that that whore is roasting in the Lake of Fire being raped continuously by demons.

So, for any potential True Christian™ bastards out there, let me be the first to congratulate you! And now, maybe YOU won't have to have a 15% wage garnishment for seven years like I do!

[Didymus Much]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

Gee, where do I fall into that list?

Who said you did?

[terra_godard7]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

That's not true. Take the world's population, subtract the liars, hypocrites, idiots, and assholes, and there's just not many left, I'll admit.

Gee, where do I fall into that list?

[Didymus Much]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

You just don't like anyone, do you?

That's not true. Take the world's population, subtract the liars, hypocrites, idiots, and assholes, and there's just not many left, I'll admit.

[terra_godard7]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

They probably already have, but you'll just lie anyways.

You just don't like anyone, do you?

[Didymus Much]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

Hmm. I'm curious about the accuracy of this "bastard checker" system. Check my background, I'll see how accurate it really is.

They probably already have, but you'll just lie anyways.

[terra_godard7]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

Hmm. I'm curious about the accuracy of this "bastard checker" system. Check my background, I'll see how accurate it really is.

[BelieverInGod]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

To think that even a monstrous wretch like me could get into Heaven... it's overwhelming. When I was told that two pastors were looking into my dilemma, being spiteful filth I assumed it was just lip service. But no! Those two men actually WORKED to save me, the lowliest of the low, the most feckless of creatures.

Matthew 19:26 But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

I do have a quandary; how does one accursed actually manage to make $25,000? You would not believe how difficult the simplest of things are when you are reviled by the LORD; even getting to a menial job is a perilous adventure full of tears and horror. Let me submit for your perusal a timeline of one average hour in my life.

Prayer, my friend, prayer. My family is praying for you.

Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

Thank you so much Pastors! My gratitude is literally without end. I don't know what I did to deserve the honor of your time. You are giants among men, and if anyone ever crosses you I swear that I will throw myself against them until they are pounded into the dirt or I am dead. It would be the least I could do for you, the very least, to give my life for Landover Baptist.

Umm...... is that a chihuahua in your avatar? Do you launch those things with some sort of sling shot? That would scare me. Then again it gives me an idea for personal protection

[Wide-Open]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

Sorry for the late reply Friends, but I was in Brussels this weekend, preaching to 35,000 bearded Belgicans (even the women). Yeah, I thought that was weird too.

Anyways!

To think that even a monstrous wretch like me could get into Heaven... it's overwhelming.

Amazing, isn't it!

I do have a quandary; how does one accursed actually manage to make $25,000?

Now now, that's a very small hurdle to take isn't it?

Don't forget:

Malachi 3:8
Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

Oh Lawd. It dun' all make sense now.

Lookin' back on it, I reckin' the signs was all dere since I was a chillen.

Indeed Sister.

P.P.S Would it be appropriate to be changin my name to Lyciaquana or Lyciateefa till I be passin' da programs? I wouldn't be likin' it, but I ain't wanting to appear too uppity.

Wouldn't that cause an even bigger relapse into jiggaboo-dom? Like I said, Ex-Negro light is the way to go for you. Pricing available on demand.

There are financing options available with this. We aren't asking for all your money up front. You can give it to us in small amounts.

Indeed Brother Levi. Mind you, one never knows when God sees it fit to strike Cursed down, squat the poor sinner like a fly, and add one more immortal soul to the depths of hell.

So, just to be on the safe side, a $5,000 down payment looks like the best option for all parties concerned.

I have concerns about this program, Brother.

You mean you want me to do a check for you too?

Has it been thoroughly vetted from a theological standpoint?

But of course! Look, it's impossible for a True Christian to sin, I'm sure you agree. Being a bastard, even a 10th generation one, is a sin. Agreed? So, something else must be wrong. And we invariably find that the person in question is actually NOT a bastard, but that the paperwork has tampered with.

It sounds remarkably like the Federal Witness Relocation Program. It doesn't change who the real parents are, only the acknowledgment. How will that address God's concerns? Or is this seeking a loophole, whereby the bastard may enter the congregation, and then be born again as a Child of God and cleansed of the sin of Bastardism?

Loophole? Reverend, I hope you are not accusing us of cheating on God's inerrant words!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

I have concerns about this program, Brother.

Has it been thoroughly vetted from a theological standpoint?

It sounds remarkably like the Federal Witness Relocation Program. It doesn't change who the real parents are, only the acknowledgment. How will that address God's concerns? Or is this seeking a loophole, whereby the bastard may enter the congregation, and then be born again as a Child of God and cleansed of the sin of Bastardism?

[Levi Jones]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

A mere $25,000 for assurance of Salvation if your parents weren't married?

I would be all over this. With Pastor's 5000% money back guarantee, you would be a fool to not take advantage of this insurance.

There are financing options available with this. We aren't asking for all your money up front. You can give it to us in small amounts.

Jesus is telling me there is a little old lady whose daddy left her. She has been saving a few dollars here and there. The LORD says there is someone with a $100 bill in the cookie jar. Give it all to us now and we will enroll you in our Guaranteed Salvation™ program. For the price of eating out at the early bird special every night, you could have Salvation!

We are only looking for about $15 a day. It's a small price to pay for your soul!

[Lycia The Repentant]

Re: New at LBC: the ex-Bastard program BABS!

Sister Lycia, I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is that your current birth certificate seems to be false.

It's a long story, but meet your real daddy:

I'm sure that makes you really happy right?

So you better shoot off a mail to Pastor Ezekiel, if you know what I'm saying.

PS: you might also need the Ex-Negro Light program. Just sayin'.

Oh Lawd. It dun' all make sense now.

Lookin' back on it, I reckin' the signs was all dere since I was a chillen. I was always shiftless and lazy at da schoolhouse, and I always loved dat grape soda as a little girl. I guess I just ain't never recognized it on account a' bein light-skinned and blonde-haired, but I guess dat don't change da fact I must be a Canaanite and a bastardess. I dun sent dat dere email off to Pastor Zeke and I'ze be hopin y'all be acceptin me into dat Ex-Negro Light program and BABS.

P.S. I knows I don't usually be talkin like dis, but I ain't wantin' to be pollutin' da White Man's American language wit my ramblins' till I be passin' da programs. Hope y'alls understand. Praise Jesus.

P.P.S Would it be appropriate to be changin my name to Lyciaquana or Lyciateefa till I be passin' da programs? I wouldn't be likin' it, but I ain't wanting to appear too uppity.