[HTannor]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

........Sister they raped me. I have been sodomized by Chinks. Can Jesus forgive me, I fought them off as long as I could. One of them the fat one hit me over the head, when I came too, they where taking turns rap.........I cant say it, I feel so dirty...........

If a man be found stealing any of his brethren of the children of Israel, and maketh merchandise of him, or selleth him; then that thief shall die; and thou shalt put evil away from among you.

Oh, darn, I don't know what to say.

I have regularly sent contirbutions to those missions serving the chinks. Well, maybe not in cash, but certainly in products of various kinds. And here, I'm talking about large quantities of Vaseline.

Am I to believe they're not using that fine petroleum product?

I shall immediately cut them off from future shipments.

I agree wholeheartedly, Judge Tannor, and do hope fervently that this matter comes before you to be resolved.

There are several likely possibilities: brainwashed, delusional, under duress or demon-infested.

Clearly he is not competent. I am praying this changes, but until then he cannot be trusted to maintain his own financial affairs.

Fortunately, the law is very clear on this. Should Brother DeWitt be declared incompetent and unable to handle his own affairs, control of all his holdings shall pass to his heir, his eldest son. It so happens that his eldest son is a minor, and married to my daughter, also a minor. Both are under my guardianship. Therefore until Brother DeWitt's son turns 18 (or Brother DeWitt recovers), control of all assets falls to me.

Both of these are the decision of his heir, or in this case, his heir's guardian.

I foresee a tripling of Brother DeWitt's current contributions.

I foresee no reason why the boat and the rent should not both become your property. After all, Brother DeWitt has no further use for them. Also, I believe Brother DeWitt owns a small island (10 square miles) in the Bahamas on which he has a large estate. I would hate to see it fall into disrepair, so you would be doing me a great favor indeed were you to assume ownership in said property. After all, what good is a boat without an island to sail too?

I'm looking forward to appearing in front of you, Judge Tannor.

And I look forward to hearing your unbiased, altruistic testimony - particularly in relation to that boat.

[James Dewitt]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

I agree wholeheartedly, Judge Tannor, and do hope fervently that this matter comes before you to be resolved.

There are several likely possibilities: brainwashed, delusional, under duress or demon-infested.

Clearly he is not competent. I am praying this changes, but until then he cannot be trusted to maintain his own financial affairs.

Fortunately, the law is very clear on this. Should Brother DeWitt be declared incompetent and unable to handle his own affairs, control of all his holdings shall pass to his heir, his eldest son. It so happens that his eldest son is a minor, and married to my daughter, also a minor. Both are under my guardianship. Therefore until Brother DeWitt's son turns 18 (or Brother DeWitt recovers), control of all assets falls to me.

Both of these are the decision of his heir, or in this case, his heir's guardian.

I foresee a tripling of Brother DeWitt's current contributions.

I foresee no reason why the boat and the rent should not both become your property. After all, Brother DeWitt has no further use for them. Also, I believe Brother DeWitt owns a small island (10 square miles) in the Bahamas on which he has a large estate. I would hate to see it fall into disrepair, so you would be doing me a great favor indeed were you to assume ownership of said property. After all, what good is a boat without an island to sail too?

I'm looking forward to appearing in front of you, Judge Tannor.

YOU TOO, we are related, why oh why are you doing this? I bought you a new truck, a new tractor, you used my jet to to fly your wife to Freehold so you could have her cooter replaced.

[Sam Diamond]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

Something terrible has happened. This evening 6 guards entered my cell, they stripped me naked and bound me with leather, Sister they raped me.
I have been sodomized by Chinks. Can Jesus forgive me, I fought them off as long as I could. One of them the fat one hit me over the head, when I came too, they where taking turns rap.........I cant say it, I feel so dirty. Will Jesus forgive me?

Sweet Jesus, Dewitts gone Homer. Better make room at the rehab center.

[Benedict A. Davis]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

My Dear Friend Mistress Cookie, I feel much better knowing that you are speeding your way to free me. Why have all my fellow Christians forsaken me? What have I done to deserve this? I have always helped each and everyone of them, shared my wealth without every asking for anything in return. Yet in my hour of need they look the other way and speak of lies and stealing. You have never asked me for anything, yet you and you alone speed to my rescue. Bless you Sister.

For your eyes only

Something terrible has happened. This evening 6 guards entered my cell, they stripped me naked and bound me with leather, Sister they raped me.
I have been sodomized by Chinks. Can Jesus forgive me, I fought them off as long as I could. One of them the fat one hit me over the head, when I came too, they where taking turns rap.........I cant say it, I feel so dirty. Will Jesus forgive me?


Psalm 101:7

He that worketh deceit shall not dwell within my house: he that telleth lies shall not tarry in my sight

Proverbs 19:5

A false witness shall not be unpunished, and he that speaketh lies shall not escape.

Deuteronomy 24:7


If a man be found stealing any of his brethren of the children of Israel, and maketh merchandise of him, or selleth him; then that thief shall die; and thou shalt put evil away from among you.

Hosea 4:2


By swearing, and lying, and killing, and stealing, and committing adultery, they break out, and blood toucheth blood.

If these tales Brother James were telling Sister Cookie were true then that would mean that James had not been true in his business dealings while in China. He would not be dealing with True Cristian™ chinks while there! The Bible is very specific on how one deals with prisoners.

2 Samuel 12: 29, 31 (King James Version)
And David gathered all the people together, and went to Rabbah, and fought against it, and took it. . . . . And he brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws, and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln: and thus did he unto all the cities of the children of Ammon.
1 Chronicles 20: 3 (King James Version)
And [David] brought out the people that were in [Rabbah], and cut them with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes. Even so dealt David with all the cities of the children of Ammon.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

I wonder why no one is surprised that you've been on retreat Zeke?!

Its such hard work,being a Xtian & constantly denying reality,that they need a rest every now & then....or something.

Didn't Pastor Al drop the banhammar on you years ago, witch? GET THEE HENCE!

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

Dear Rev. Rodimer,

I can see why you'd be a bit confused about this, allow me to clear it up for you.

PFAC (formerly known as DFAC) is a charitable organization, though not in the manner that you would call a 501©(3) nonprofit charitable. The directors at PFAC feel the best way to be charitable is by having more assets to be charitable with, and that is why PFAC is decidedly for-profit.

To put it another way, the directors at PFAC feel it's what Jesus would have wanted.

"And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth." Matthew 25:30

Your's in Christ,

Lycia, former member of the DFAC family.

That's what you wanted me to say, right Brother Harold?

This is becoming even more disturbing.

You see, the paperwork sent to my congregation several months ago, signed by Brother Porter, claimed that DFAC was a 501(c)(3) charitable organization. It was even printed at the bottom of the letterhead, and there was a brochure about making "tax-deductible gifts" to DFAC.

Several members of my congregation, Italian businessmen who recently left the Catholic church, made donations which I know they intend to claim on their tax returns for 2010. (Some probably have already; they have excellent accountants.)

Not only does that mean that DFAC will be investigated for fraud, but even worse for Brother Porter, these fine Italian gentlemen may well find themselves being audited as a result.

These fine Italian gentlemen do not like being audited. They have bad memories of other members of their fine Italian "family" being audited. They will be very upset if they are being audited because some small-town wannabe (Porter) decided to commit fraud at their considerable expense.

Brother James may well be better off in China. I'm not sure if even that would be a safe place for Brother Porter.

Did I ever mention, Brother Porter, Independent Businessman, that Widow Helen's husband was a fine Italian gentleman?

Dear Friends,

I am afraid I have bad news which I unfortunately have to share with all of you. Brother Dewitt's relatives contacted me to investigate his health as they got tired of his excessive drooling. I have investigated Brother Dewitt thoroughly and based on my extensive medical expertise I have come to a shocking conclusion. It is with a deep sadness in my heart that, at least for now, I have to declare James Dewitt insane.

Do tell, how did you manage to get past the monks in China to see him? This sounds rather suspicious.

YOU TOO, we are related, why oh why are you doing this? I bought you a new truck, a new tractor, you used my jet to to fly your wife to Freehold so you could have her cooter replaced.

Brother Enoch married a transexual? And you PAID for this abomination to be created?!

James, I just don't know what to say. I was starting to think you were being taken advantage of by Porter, Tannor, and a number of horny Chinamen, but given this confession of yours . . . This could well be God's wrath being poured out upon you for your transexual-enabling ways.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

YOU TOO, we are related, why oh why are you doing this? I bought you a new truck, a new tractor, you used my jet to to fly your wife to Freehold so you could have her cooter replaced.

And you know I am deeply grateful, Brother James, especially for the truck.

Rest assured Brother, I have the best interests of you and your lineage at heart, since your lineage and mine are forever intertwined after all.

Now, I have gently prodded our Landover brethren to temporarily entrust your holdings to your son, under my guardianship, to ensure that when you are deemed fit to retake stewardship of your empire it will still be fully intact.

I have not, however, received the proper assurances (despite incentives) from the courts in Iowa, or the pastors of Freehold, and I believe I may be forced to petition for jurisdiction of this case to be moved to the Court of Queen's Bench, in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Though your son remains a Godly American citizen, he is a resident of Nova Scotia since his marriage to my daughter and his relocation to this frozen wasteland. This case should rightly be adjudicated here. I suspect the outcome will be far better for our family James.

Trust me, Brother.

[HTannor]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

I have not, however, received the proper assurances (despite incentives) from the courts in Iowa, or the pastors of Freehold, and I believe I may be forced to petition for jurisdiction of this case to be moved to the Court of Queen's Bench, in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Whoa, there, Brother.

I have it on good authority that the phrase "queen" is often used by brits and their colonials as a substitute for "queer" or "fag" or, dare I say it, "homers."

Are you telling me you would try to move this case into some fag's courtroom in canuckistan?

Now, I grant you that Brother DeWitt may be undergoing a queerification program of some sort, but that doesn't automatically mean his assets are as homer as he is. I've never seen any queer money.

(Well, there is some evidence that Abe Lincoln may have been a bit limp-wristed, but it hasn't been completely proven so I'm not burning my five dollar bills..........yet.)

I'm sure the Godly Leadership™ of the Landover Baptist Church will want to have some say in this matter of jurisdiction.

[Sam Diamond]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

This is becoming even more disturbing.

You see, the paperwork sent to my congregation several months ago, signed by Brother Porter, claimed that DFAC was a 501(c)(3) charitable organization. It was even printed at the bottom of the letterhead, and there was a brochure about making "tax-deductible gifts" to DFAC.

Several members of my congregation, Italian businessmen who recently left the Catholic church, made donations which I know they intend to claim on their tax returns for 2010. (Some probably have already; they have excellent accountants.)

Not only does that mean that DFAC will be investigated for fraud, but even worse for Brother Porter, these fine Italian gentlemen may well find themselves being audited as a result.

These fine Italian gentlemen do not like being audited. They have bad memories of other members of their fine Italian "family" being audited. They will be very upset if they are being audited because some small-town wannabe (Porter) decided to commit fraud at their considerable expense.

Brother James may well be better off in China. I'm not sure if even that would be a safe place for Brother Porter.

Did I ever mention, Brother Porter, Independent Businessman, that Widow Helen's husband was a fine Italian gentleman?

Do tell, how did you manage to get past the monks in China to see him? This sounds rather suspicious.

Brother Enoch married a transexual? And you PAID for this abomination to be created?!

James, I just don't know what to say. I was starting to think you were being taken advantage of by Porter, Tannor, and a number of horny Chinamen, but given this confession of yours . . . This could well be God's wrath being poured out upon you for your transexual-enabling ways.

I hate to do this, but I have to stick up for Dewitt. When he ran DFAC it was almost 50% chartiable, 48 % pay out to charity, 52% was needed to keep the operation going. You do have to pay people a living wage.

I do not ever recall Dewitt making any such claim that he only did business with Christians. Its very hard to find one in Chinkland.

Now on to bigger things, Enoch, I have a bill from a job I did for Dewitt, where should I send it?

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

I hate to do this, but I have to stick up for Dewitt. When he ran DFAC it was almost 50% chartiable, 48 % pay out to charity, 52% was needed to keep the operation going. You do have to pay people a living wage.

Agreed, Sam. I'm not questioning DFAC's percentage of administrative overhead; rather, the claim that it is a charitable organization to which donations are tax-deductible . . . which it now appears it is not, and never was.

Brother Porter, I am told that a few fine Italian gentlemen will be paying you a visit. They should arrive within the next hour or so. One of them is Widow Helen's brother-in-law; he is most eager to make your acquaintance.

I do hope you have organized your migratory waterfowl in a linear fashion.

ps - I hear they are fans of that 50's "doo-wop" music. Might want to play some.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

OMG...I'm in China, can barely walk. (will explain later)

JAMES!

I got a map of the monestary site!

Do you know what room you're in ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
.

[lilith]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

Didn't Pastor Al drop the banhammar on you years ago, witch? GET THEE HENCE!

Lets just Pastor Al tried. And tried.

And failed miserably...

[Didymus Much]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

Lets just Pastor Al tried. And tried.

And failed miserably...

pssst... there are pills to help with that nowadays (or so I'm told... )

[Brother Enoch]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

Now on to bigger things, Enoch, I have a bill from a job I did for Dewitt, where should I send it?

Unfortunately Sam (may I call you Sam?) until this case is adjudicated you will have to hang onto this bill. Once rightful ownership of all Brother DeWitt's are in my control, payment of your bill will be my first priority. And for your inconvenience you can expect double payment. Brother DeWitt, while he was still in his right mind, spoke highly of you. I look forward to employing you on occasion in the future, after this open and shut case works its way through the courts.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: I am going to a retreat for a couple of weeks.

Unfortunately Sam (may I call you Sam?) until this case is adjudicated you will have to hang onto this bill. Once rightful ownership of all Brother DeWitt's are in my control, payment of your bill will be my first priority. And for your inconvenience you can expect double payment. Brother DeWitt, while he was still in his right mind, spoke highly of you. I look forward to employing you on occasion in the future, after this open and shut case works its way through the courts.

I can't help but notice that Brother Porter is nowhere to be found.

I wonder if the fine Italian gentlemen are having a "conversation" with him . . . and where he might choose to point his (remaining) finger!