[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

Can you write something about Jezebel, please?

It be shameful, I know, but I've always found her rather interesting.

I did mention Jezebel in my poem on 2 Kings, but since you requested so nicely sister, I shall write a poem all about her just for you!

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

I did mention Jezebel in my poem on 2 Kings, but since you requested so nicely sister, I shall write a poem all about her just for you!

How kind and good you are.

I love the movie, too!

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem About Jezebel

The was a bad woman who ruled instead of a guy
I don't know why she ruled instead of a guy
I guess she'll die.

There was a bad woman who made her husband obey her
Which furied and angered and turned God against her.
She made her husband obey her because she ruled instead of a guy
But I don't know why she ruled instead of a guy
I guess she'll die.

There was a bad woman who turned against the Lord
How absurd, she turned against the Lord!
She turned against the Lord because she made her husband obey her
Which furied and angered and turned God against her
She made her husband obey her because she ruled instead of a guy
But I don't know why she ruled instead of a guy
I guess she'll die.

There was a bad woman who on the throne sat
Imagine that, on the throne she sat
She sat on the throne because she turned against the Lord
She turned against the Lord because she made her husband obey her
Which furied and angered and turned God against her
She made her husband obey her because she ruled instead of a guy
But I don't know why she ruled instead of a guy
I guess she'll die.

There was a bad woman who led the people into fog,
What a hog, she led the people into fog
She led the people into fog because on the throne she sat
She sat on the throne because she turned against the Lord
She turned against the Lord because she made her husband obey her
Which furied and angered and turned God against her
She made her husband obey her because she ruled instead of a guy
But I don't know why she ruled instead of a guy
I guess she'll die.

There was a bad woman who worshiped a goat
She just loved to gloat that she worshiped a goat
She worshiped the goat because she led the people into fog
She led the people into fog because on the throne she sat
She sat on the throne because she turned against the Lord
She turned against the Lord because she made her husband obey her
Which furied and angered and turned God against her
She made her husband obey her because she ruled instead of a guy
But I don't know why she ruled instead of a guy
I guess she'll die.

There was a bad woman who got thrown out a window
The eunuchs were how she got thrown out a window
She got thrown out a window because she worshiped a goat
She worshiped the goat because she led the people into fog
She led the people into fog because on the throne she sat
She sat on the throne because she turned against the Lord
She turned against the Lord because she made her husband obey her
Which furied and angered and turned God against her
She made her husband obey her because she ruled instead of a guy
But I don't know why she ruled instead of a guy
I guess she'll die.

There was a bad woman who made the people whores -
She's dead now, of course.

Amen

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

God smites the Philistines with hemorrhoids in their secret parts!
God asks the Philistines to make him five golden hemorrhoids!
And God killed those cheeky 50,070, who dared look in the Ark!
God makes a covenant with you, that He may thrust your eyes out!
And I hope when the Spirit comes upon you, like Samuel, you too will hack an oxen up and send a piece to each coast of Israel!
God ordered Saul to kill all the Amalekites - men, women, babies, toddlers - even their ox, sheep, camels and donkeys!
God repented of making Saul king, when he refused to do the righteous killing!
So he was haunted by an evil spirit from the Lord!
When David needs to buy a wife, he knows the price - 200 Philistine foreskins, not 100, 200 dang it!
Kill everybody who pisses against the wall!
And David kills all the Amalekites even though Saul had already killed them all!
Saul goes to Endor on a fender, gets a witch to dig up the ditch, resurrected Samuel!
But oh no, the Amalekites must have got risen too, for even though they were all killed twice, they come invade again!
AMEN!

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

.....There was a bad woman who made the people whores / She's dead now, of course. / Amen

So insightful, and so TRUE!

Bless you.

And thank you for taking requests...luring you from your mighty muse.

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

The poem above should include the title "A Poem Based On 1 Samuel"

Now then - "A Poem Based On Amos"

God shall send fire unto Hazel! God shall send fire unto Gaza! And Tyrus! And Teman, and Rabbah, and Moab, and Judah...
God will slay all the princes of Moab!
Is there any evil God did not create?
God sends pestilence, kills young men with the sword, and makes you endure bad smells!
The Lord stands on a wall, talking with a plumb-bob in His hand!
Amos sees God standing on the altar!
God will kill the last of them with a sword, if they try to escape by sea they'll be eaten by sea-serpents. God will set His eyes upon them for evil, not for good!
Amen!

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem Based On Ruth

Naomi told her widowed daughter-in-law to spend the night with her boss
Ruth uncovered Boaz's feet, and lies down next to him!
Spread your skirt over me, she asks of him.
And so she did lay at him feet until morning!
Boaz then buys her as his wife.
Boaz then goes in unto her, and they have a son, grandfather of David!
Amen.

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem Based On Obadiah

The Israelites heard a rumor from God, start a war with the Edomites!
Destroy the wise man out of Edom, slaughter everyone of the mount of Esau!
The day of the Lord is near, wrote Obadiah, only some 2,500 years ago!
God will burn all the heathen to death, for the Lord hath spoken it!
Amen and Amen!

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem Based On Judges

Long, long ago, the Isrealites cut off the thumbs and big toes of a captive foreign king!
The valley people attacked, but God could do nothing, for they had chariots of iron!
Ehud gave the King of Moab a message from God - a knife stuck deep inside his belly, it could not be removed, and dirt came out!
When they disobey, God sells the Israelites into slavery!
When they obey, Shamgar can even kill 600 Philistines an ox goad!
Blessed above women is Jael, who drove a tent stake through her guest's head!
Divide the prey, to every man a damsel or two!
Blessed be Gideon, who put God to the test, and God complied!
Recruit for the army, the test is simple, if you lap water like a dog, you're in!
The Lord set every man's sword against his fellow!
When the two princes are killed, their heads are delivered to Gideon!
Gideon kills all the men of Succoth!
For all his righteous acts, no doubt, Gideon had many wives!
Abimelech killed sixty-nine brothers with one stone!
And an evil spirit was sent by God!
Jephthah honorably keeps his promise, and sacrifices his daughter to the Lord!
The spirit of the Lord came upon Samson, and so he killed, killed, and killed some more!
Samson caught 300 foxes, tied their tails together, and lit them on fire!
He killed 1,000 men with the jawbone of an ass!
Then he went in unto a harlot...
Now consider this - a Levite was about to get raped by a mob, but instead they take his concubine, rape and beat her all night. She crawls half-dead onto her master's doorstep in the morning, he rides away with her, cuts her body into twelve pieces and sends on part to each of the twelve tribes of Israel!
AMEN!

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem Based On Jonah

Yo ho, yo ho, God made a great fish swallow up Jonah, and there he stayed three days and nights!
When God talked to the fish, it vomited Jonah out onto dry land!
God wants those evil beasts of Nineveh to cover themselves with sackcloth, and cry mightily unto God!
God repents of the evil He was going to do!
God made a gourd to shade Jonah's head, then God made a worm to destroy the gourd!
Praise to You, Oh Lord!

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem Based On Joshua

As the Lord God commanded, Joshua killed everything that breathed in the cities he invaded!
The Lord turned the fierceness of His anger toward Achan, who looked at the accursed thing, and so he, his entire family, and the animals they owned, were stoned to death!
God Almighty fought with the Israelites, He slew their enemies with a great slaughter, and chased them along the way!
The Israelites slew many with the sword, and those who they didn't get, God smote with rocks that fell from Heaven!
To make sure Joshua killed everyone before dark, God made the sun stand still in the sky!
The Lord fought for Israel!
God hardened the enemies' hearts, so that they might go against Israel, so that God could destroy them utterly for the evil they did after God hardened their hearts!
Our God is a jealous God, He will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins!
Amen!

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem Based On Micah

God will destroy Samaria with stones!
God will wail and howl and go stripped and naked!
Evil came down from the Lord!
God devises evil against families He doesn't like!
To those disobedient people, their skin shall be plucked off, flesh ripped from bones, their flesh eaten, their skin flayed off, their bones broken, their body chopped into pieces, and all stewed in a pot!
God will not hear them when they call for help, in fact, He'll hide from them!
Like a young lion, the remnant of Jacob will tear the gentiles to pieces!
God shall execute anger and fury upon the heathen cities such as they have not heard!
God will make His chosen people sick, hungry and desolate - if any survive, they'll be killed by swords!
The Gentiles will be made deaf, they'll have to lick dust and crawl like worms for fear of God and His people!
Amen!

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem Based On Deuteronomy

Kill all prophets if they prophesy wrongly!!!
Kill family, friends, and neighbors if they serve other gods!!!
Kill rebellious sons, adulterers, and women who are raped and go unheard!!!
Destroy the holy places and items of other religions!!!
Cut off a woman's hand if she touches a man's secrets while he tries to kill her husband!!!
If you see a beautiful prisoner of war you'd like as your wife, take her home and go in unto her!!!
Treat both your wives fairly, even though you hate one - make sure you always treat your first-born son the best!!!
If you marry a woman and then proclaim she is not a virgin publicly, her parents must come forward and show the sheets you two consummated the marriage and, show everyone the blood stains to prove her virginity - otherwise she gets killed - if there are no tokens of virginity, then the man will be chastised, forced to pay his father-in-law 100 shekels and never be allowed to get a divorce!!!
Women who wear men's clothes are abominations unto the Lord!!!
Don't mix different fibers in your clothes!!!
If you rape a woman, pay her father 50 shekels to make up for it!!!
If your genitals are damaged you cannot enter the congregation of the Lord!!!
If within the last ten generations any of your ancestors were conceived illegitimately, you cannot enter the congregation of the Lord!!!
If you have a wet dream, you have to go out to the wilderness, wash yourself, and aren't allowed to come back until the next sunset!!!
Bury your feces in a holy in the ground, because God is walking all around us!!!
If you marry a woman, and then find some uncleanness in her, you can send her away - if she gets remarried and then her new husband either dies or divorces her, you can't marry her again, for this is an abomination before the Lord!!!
OBEY!!!

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem Based On Nahum

God is jealous and furious!
He makes mountains shake and hills melt!
He drowns His enemies in floods!
There is much pain in all loins!
God will flip up your skirt, present you naked to the whole world, and cover you with abominable filth!
You're all a bunch of girly men!
You will be devoured by fire, cut off by the sword, and eaten by the cankerworm!
Amen!

[Meek and Humble]

Re: A Poem about the Gospels

A Poem Based On Numbers

If any strangers come around, kill them!
If anyone offers strange fire before the Lord, God will kill them!
If anyone looks at or touches a holy thing, God will kill them!
If you think your wife is cheating, send her to the priests, they'll give her a some bitter water to drink - if she's guilty her stomach will swell and her thy rot, if she's innocent nothing will happen, she is free to go and will become pregnant - don't worry fellows, you won't get in any trouble for making her take the test!
If God hears you complain, He'll light you on fire!
If you ask for meat, God will teach you some manners by giving you nothing to eat but meat, so much meat it will come out your nose!
The Israelites moaned likewise, and God sent a plague on them!
God gave Moses' sister leprosy!
The Israelites saw God face-to-face!
God will punish sin unto the fourth generation!
If you sin through ignorance, kill a goat to make it better!
Don't pick sticks up off the ground on Sunday!
Put blue fringes on the edge of your clothes!
Praise to God for burying Korah and his family alive!
Praise to God for burning 250 people to death!
Praise to God for killing 14,700 with a plague!
Aaron's rod started growing almonds!
God sends fiery serpents to bite them people!
If you get bit by a snake, just look at a bronze snake statue!
And sometimes God delivers important messages through the mouths of donkeys!
God's people will drink the blood of the killed!
God will eat the nations of His enemies, break their bones and pierce them with arrows!
God told Moses to take the people's head and hang them up to God!
Praise to Phinehas, God's hero, who thrust a spear through a man and his foreign wife!
Praise to God, for killing 25,000 in a plague!
Women can't make vows unless their husbands allow it!
Moses told the army, kill the man, kill the women, but keep the virgin girls alive!
AMEN!