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Greetings, fellow True Christians!
It's September now, time for my company to issue another quarterly report to shareholders. Of course, we do that four times a year, but this report was of particular interest due to recent events which have international investors very worried.
As some of you might know, there were recent big losses on the Chink Stock Exchange (CSE). This affects more than just the Chink public, but also many American and European hedge funds, retirement funds, etc, which hold stocks and bonds in Asian exchanges. Even many small municipalities hold these foreign stocks and bonds, though they might not know it since we bury the details in thousand-page documents churned out by robo-subcontractors, many of which are also located in Asian countries, usually ones that don't have extradition agreements with the USA.
Anyway, the good news is that my company had stellar earnings this quarter, despite the fact that our entire car and chemical manufacturing facilities in Tianjin, China, caught fire and exploded on August 12. You may have seen some of the dramatic photos in the liberal media.
How could such a disaster happen, and yet my company is reporting record profits? Well, by lucky coincidence, we actually sold all those manufacturing facilities to a few teachers' unions just two days before the explosions. Furthermore, also by sheer coincidence, we shorted those bonds just three hours before the disaster - of course, those bonds dropped to zero in net worth, resulting in a 99% profit on the deal for us. This is even better than the profit we earned on 9/11 when we shorted United Airlines the day before the Twin Towers were destroyed (we also coincidentally shorted the stocks of the insurance company that had to pay for that disaster).
To top it off, having the entire inventory of Chink-made cars destroyed (which were severely overstocked) greatly boosted the value of our competing auto manufacturing facilities in Japan.
In other words, for our shareholders it was a win-win-win! Of course, it was all just a lucky coincidence. I attribute this to the guiding hand of The Lord, who looks down from Heaven favorably on my company thanks to our donations to the Republican Party. Ultimately, investors rely on their luck, which is fine just as long as you don't leave luck to chance.
And when all else fails, there are always bailouts, which are a win-win for taxpayers and the free market, since bailouts increase corporate profits and thus we one-percenters pay more taxes (at least in the Cayman Islands). I personally paid literally hundreds of dollars in US taxes myself last year. As we like to say here at my company, "What's good for Uranus is good for the USA!"
It's September now, time for my company to issue another quarterly report to shareholders. Of course, we do that four times a year, but this report was of particular interest due to recent events which have international investors very worried.
As some of you might know, there were recent big losses on the Chink Stock Exchange (CSE). This affects more than just the Chink public, but also many American and European hedge funds, retirement funds, etc, which hold stocks and bonds in Asian exchanges. Even many small municipalities hold these foreign stocks and bonds, though they might not know it since we bury the details in thousand-page documents churned out by robo-subcontractors, many of which are also located in Asian countries, usually ones that don't have extradition agreements with the USA.
Anyway, the good news is that my company had stellar earnings this quarter, despite the fact that our entire car and chemical manufacturing facilities in Tianjin, China, caught fire and exploded on August 12. You may have seen some of the dramatic photos in the liberal media.
How could such a disaster happen, and yet my company is reporting record profits? Well, by lucky coincidence, we actually sold all those manufacturing facilities to a few teachers' unions just two days before the explosions. Furthermore, also by sheer coincidence, we shorted those bonds just three hours before the disaster - of course, those bonds dropped to zero in net worth, resulting in a 99% profit on the deal for us. This is even better than the profit we earned on 9/11 when we shorted United Airlines the day before the Twin Towers were destroyed (we also coincidentally shorted the stocks of the insurance company that had to pay for that disaster).
To top it off, having the entire inventory of Chink-made cars destroyed (which were severely overstocked) greatly boosted the value of our competing auto manufacturing facilities in Japan.
In other words, for our shareholders it was a win-win-win! Of course, it was all just a lucky coincidence. I attribute this to the guiding hand of The Lord, who looks down from Heaven favorably on my company thanks to our donations to the Republican Party. Ultimately, investors rely on their luck, which is fine just as long as you don't leave luck to chance.
And when all else fails, there are always bailouts, which are a win-win for taxpayers and the free market, since bailouts increase corporate profits and thus we one-percenters pay more taxes (at least in the Cayman Islands). I personally paid literally hundreds of dollars in US taxes myself last year. As we like to say here at my company, "What's good for Uranus is good for the USA!"
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