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  • GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

    Dear Brothers and Sisters,

    I apologize for being gone all week, but I've been so busy attending meetings with the management at Fox News and Clear Channel. We've been working on one of our biggest projects ever, one which I believe is going to shake the world.

    In cooperation with the Ronald Reagan Institute of Conservative Studies and funded by a grant from Uranus, I'm pleased to announce the opening of Glenn Beck University.


    "Brawndo - it's got what plants crave"
    - Dr Glenn Beck

    The courses are taught online, and are open to all true Americans with a credit card. The curriculum was written by none other than Dr Glenn Beck. Even though he never completed a semester of college, he nevertheless received an honorary Ph.D. from Liberty University just last month. Which just goes to show that you don't need to attend real school to get a diploma and make millions.

    I personally believe that this GBU serves a vital need in the conservative community, especially for home-schooled children. Traditional liberal elite universities discriminate against Christian kids who have been taught by their blue collar parents, refusing to admit them just because they can't read or do math. Glenn Beck University will level the playing field, granting degrees in Conservative Studies to all paying students who can pass an oral exam and/or show that they have a pulse.

    I've personally worked on the first lesson in the curriculum, which explains the global warming hoax. Actually, many of you will be surprised when you see this lesson - I'll bet you didn't realize that global warming IS REAL. Yes, that's true. However, it's not caused by carbon dioxide. We now know that it's mainly caused by methane gas, which even environwackos admit is 25 more powerful than CO2 as a greenhouse gas. And since the main source of methane is cow farts, my company (the Uranus Corporation) has recently devised technology to solve this problem:


    Capturing methane gas in balloons using advanced technology from Uranus

    Water vapor also contributes to global warming. That's why my company is working hard to cause desertification by cutting down forests and draining water tables. We all know that deserts are good - just look at how many people want to move to Phoenix and Las Vegas to enjoy the sunshine. But rather than making these people move to arid regions, we intend to bring the desert (and thus year-round golfing weather) to them.


    Great weather for golfing

    The above facts are just a small sample of the marvelous things you can learn at Glenn Beck University. Graduates will be able to impress their conservative friends, and argue with liberal dopes who believe in evolution and homoism. Furthermore, a diploma from a prestigious institution like GBU increases your chances of employment - we'll be needing lots more American tomato pickers after US wages drop so low that even Mexicans won't want to come here to work.

    But you've got to act soon. There are just a limited number of students that Dr Beck can teach, so get out your credit card and dial the toll-free number on the university web site today. You'll be glad you did!
    Praise Jesus!
    Brother Fred
    CEO, The Uranus Corporation
    Put your faith in Uranus!

    sigpic

  • #2
    Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

    Which of these organisations is the Beck University accredited by?

    What Is College Accreditation? Why Should You Attend an Accredited College or Accredited University?
    Psalm 14:1 The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

      Originally posted by 159753 View Post
      Which of these organisations is the Beck University accredited by?

      http://www.usastudyguide.com/accreditation.htm

      I think you have it backwards there, my enumerated friend.

      Those organizations need to seek out Glen Beck and be accredited by him!!!

      Jud 1:15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are unGodly among them of all their unGodly deeds which they have unGodly committed, and of all their hard [speeches] which unGodly sinners have spoken against him.

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

        Originally posted by Oakland "Reb" Griner View Post
        I think you have it backwards there, my enumerated friend.

        Those organizations need to seek out Glen Beck and be accredited by him!!!

        But if I want to further my studies or get a job, it'd sure help to go to an accredited university.
        Psalm 14:1 The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

          Glen Beck is accredited by GOD.

          What more could you want ?


          Nothing wrong with having high standards, but you don't need to go any higher than The Lord God Almighty, do you ?

          Jud 1:15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are unGodly among them of all their unGodly deeds which they have unGodly committed, and of all their hard [speeches] which unGodly sinners have spoken against him.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

            I think this is a project that I can handle. I could use a university diploma.
            May you be a blessing to every life you touch.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

              Originally posted by 159753 View Post
              But if I want to further my studies or get a job, it'd sure help to go to an accredited university.
              If you want to further your studies, it'd help to go to a university where you can study the Truth. If you want to get a job, it'd help to pray to God for assistance with a pure and humble heart.
              O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.



              God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

                FF
                This type of accellerated educational program is something that might interest me but I have to know that none of the money I spend there goes to the Mormon Church or for the purchase of any magic underwear.
                If I wanted to enter a doctoral program which colleges would they be in? How many hours would it involve? Do you offer a physical graduation ceremony or at least a photoshop picture in cap and gown?
                sigpic 1 Chronicles 16:15
                Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
                Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
                Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

                  Originally posted by Free Market Fred View Post
                  And since the main source of methane is cow farts, my company (the Uranus Corporation) has recently devised technology to solve this problem:


                  Capturing methane gas in balloons using advanced technology from Uranus
                  I take it that this is an example of the level of education your establishment offers. Slight problem, while Bovine methane production is significant, it is released from the other end of the animal.
                  Mind you not the first time those associated with LBC have got things the wrong way round.
                  Posted via Pasta

                  True Pastafarian™

                  May my Sauce be with you!
                  Read the TRUE Gospel The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (ISBN 978-0-00-723160-7)
                  Get one and get with The Flying Spaghetti Monster
                  The Loose Canon - HTML version
                  Loose Canon Fan Page
                  North American? Speak English? Thank a Pirate.
                  I have been to The Volcano!

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                  • #10
                    Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

                    Cows don't fart? That's news to me. Here I was always told that a farting cow was a healthy cow, but hey the vet doesn't have your wonderful wisdom.
                    Drama queen

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

                      Originally posted by BelieverInGod View Post
                      Cows don't fart? That's news to me. Here I was always told that a farting cow was a healthy cow, but hey the vet doesn't have your wonderful wisdom.
                      Did I say cows don't fart, I don't think I did, what I said was:
                      Originally posted by Jo Freddie View Post
                      I take it that this is an example of the level of education your establishment offers. Slight problem, while Bovine methane production is significant, it is released from the other end of the animal.
                      Mind you not the first time those associated with LBC have got things the wrong way round.
                      I do not mention anything about farts.
                      Posted via Pasta

                      True Pastafarian™

                      May my Sauce be with you!
                      Read the TRUE Gospel The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (ISBN 978-0-00-723160-7)
                      Get one and get with The Flying Spaghetti Monster
                      The Loose Canon - HTML version
                      Loose Canon Fan Page
                      North American? Speak English? Thank a Pirate.
                      I have been to The Volcano!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

                        Good news people. Dr Glenn Beck has just discovered photographic evidence proving that our dear Earth is indeed only 6000 years old, not "billions of years" like those crazy Democrat global warmists claim.


                        Jesus riding a dinosaur in the Garden of Eden 6000 years ago

                        The only reason we don't have dinosaurs today is that they were wiped out in the Great Flood, all because the Joo-liberal bureaucrats in the Holy Land decided that Noah's Ark couldn't carry dinos without a permit. Such a pity - just think of the super-sized meals we could have at McDonald's today if these magnificent creatures were not extinct! And all because of libs and big guvmint!


                        "You want my gun, lib, you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead claws"

                        To learn more fascinating facts, sign up for classes today!
                        Praise Jesus!
                        Brother Fred
                        CEO, The Uranus Corporation
                        Put your faith in Uranus!

                        sigpic

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: GLEИ Bəck Univeɹsity

                          Originally posted by Free Market Fred View Post
                          Good news people. Dr Glenn Beck has just discovered photographic evidence proving that our dear Earth is indeed only 6000 years old, not "billions of years" like those crazy Democrat global warmists claim.
                          What rubbish, everyone knows the Earth is not 6,000 years old.
                          Posted via Pasta

                          True Pastafarian™

                          May my Sauce be with you!
                          Read the TRUE Gospel The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (ISBN 978-0-00-723160-7)
                          Get one and get with The Flying Spaghetti Monster
                          The Loose Canon - HTML version
                          Loose Canon Fan Page
                          North American? Speak English? Thank a Pirate.
                          I have been to The Volcano!

                          Comment

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