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  • Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

    Greetings, fellow True Christians™ and unsaved filth. Any red-blooded real American knows that the most delicious and nutritious meal is a good old American cheese burger with freedom fries and pop. However, sometimes we may desire different fare, and pizza is always a popular choice. True, it was invented by greasy Mary-hailing wops, but there are many Godly American restaurants that produce a version of pizza acceptable for Christians and Republicans to consume. Unfortunately, there are also many ungodly restaurants that also produce pizza that, while delicious, funds terrorist liberal causes. This is the purpose of this thread: sorting the good from the bad.

    Pizza Ranch:
    Cowboy-themed pizza buffet. Doesn't that sound like a place John Wayne or Ronald Reagan himself would've loved if they were here instead of in Heaven with Jesus? While the premise certainly sounds Republican enough, just take a look at their motto: "To glorify God by positively impacting the world we live in." To make matters even better, the chain is exclusively localized to the Midwest, i.e. Real America. Sorry East Coast liberal elite, no Pizza Ranch for you.



    Godfather's:
    Despite formerly being run by one of the GOP's official Token Negroes Herman Cain, the chain is sinful and offensive. This restaurant, while its food is quite good, glorifies mafia violence, Catholicism, and Italianness, which is completely unacceptable. Their mascot is based on the character played by notorious liberal Marlon Brando in the vile film The Godfather, which features a gay sex scene:


    Pizza Hut:
    Endorsed by The Donald. Enough said. If you go there, get the stuffed crust like he tells us to.



    Any non-chain pizza restaurant:
    No. Do not patronize any pizza restaurant not owned and operated by a Godly U.S. corporation. Simple logic tells us that if their food was any good, they'd be making enough money to open more than one location. Aside from that, you have no idea who is in running the place. There are many one-off pizzerias run by liberals, homosexuals, hipsters, blacks, or even Italians! Do you want people like that handling your food?


    Papa John's:
    Delicious pizza, though unfortunately only carry out/delivery (which indirectly has the silver lining of supporting the Godly U.S. petroleum industry). Their founder and former CEO, Papa John Schnatter, is a good and Godly man who contributed money to the election campaign of then-future President Trump. Like The Donald, he has also been the victim of a fake news campaign designed to malign and discredit him by accusing him of sexual misconduct, racism, and dubious business dealings. Does this look like the face of an evil man?


    Little Caesar's:
    Endorses the Roman Catholic Church. Also trivializes and humorizes political assassinations by featuring Julius Caesar as their mascot, and this should be taken as an implicit threat on the life of Donald Trump, perhaps in response to his support of their rival Pizza Hut. Also cheap, and thus good enough for bums and street trash but not good enough for my family or yours.
    I was sinking deep in sin far from the peaceful shore,
    Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more;
    But the Master of the Sea heard my despairing cry,
    From the waters lifted me, now safe am I!

  • #2
    Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

    Thank you for these helpful reviews. It's a shame the original pizza came from Italy, the country of Catholics.

    A more Protestant style comes from Sweden.

    Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.

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    • #3
      Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

      Domino's

      First of all, I can't figure out what association the name "Domino" has to do with pizza anyway. Domino theory had to do with how the commies were going to take over the world during the cold war.

      The company started out with the motto "20 minutes or it's free" - a delivery guarantee about how fast it was supposed to arrive after you ordered it. After killing untold thousands of people in car accidents they finally abandoned the marketing promise. It also makes you wonder how they cooked it so fast - like maybe they used plutonium instead of a pizza oven.

      Their crust always tasted like they made it from old cathylick communion wafers, and their toppings were equally as bad.

      These days they are going techie - with drone deliveries and ordering with Alexa, as if that was going to make better pizza. The smart phone junkies will eat just about anything.
      Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
      brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
      ...and get off my lawn
      sigpic

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      • #4
        Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

        Panagos



        Still, flavour-less cardboard with toppings falling off might be off-putting for some, yet I oddly enjoy it. It's the perfect form of pizza for me. There's nothing I love better than sneaking into panagos, buying a whole pizza for myself, and slipping back to my cottage to enjoy it in private. Mmm, yummy.
        No spoose should be more attractive than the other - that way, no one is satisfied, and the marriage can be happy.

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        • #5
          Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

          Originally posted by Emily Brent View Post
          ...There's nothing I love better than sneaking into panagos, buying a whole pizza for myself, and slipping back to my cottage...
          "In the U.K.", consumes what passes for pizza in 6 Canadian provinces (according to Wikipedia). Not delivered.


          Aside: they were decent-to-good when they were Panagopoulos (get off my lawn).

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          • #6
            Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

            Yes, Canada where I summer (hence my cottage). I only go for the pizza truly.
            No spoose should be more attractive than the other - that way, no one is satisfied, and the marriage can be happy.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

              Originally posted by Didymus Much View Post
              "In the U.K.", consumes what passes for pizza in 6 Canadian provinces (according to Wikipedia). Not delivered.
              Dear Not-So-Much, isn't Canada part of the UK? If not, why is the English queen on Canadian cents? If Canada ever fought an Independence War, they surely didn't win it!
              God created fossils to test our faith.

              * * *

              My favorite LBC sermons:
              True Christians are Perfect!
              True Christian™ Love.
              Salvation™ made Easy!
              You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
              Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
              Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
              Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
              Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
              The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
              Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
              God HATES Rational Thinking!
              True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

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              • #8
                Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

                Originally posted by Basilissa View Post
                If Canada ever fought an Independence War, they surely didn't win it!
                Oh, Dear Sister Basilissa, I do hope you won't mind my saying, but I think you might be confusing Canada with Quebec.

                Now, as for pizza, there is one pizza parlour that must be shut down once and for all -- photo attached.

                A blessed day to you, dear Sister,
                Sincerely, Isabella W.
                Attached Files
                (Mrs.) Isabella White

                Hebrews 10:19 "Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the Blood of Jesus"

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                • #9
                  Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

                  Why, if it isn't Chunky Cheesy Hilliary!
                  No spoose should be more attractive than the other - that way, no one is satisfied, and the marriage can be happy.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

                    Originally posted by WilliamJenningsBryan View Post
                    Domino's
                    Oh sweet Jesus, Brother William, don't get me started on Domino's! Aside from their pro-communist efforts to create the Fifth International, which you mentioned, they are named after "dominos," a wicked game with black and white tiles promoting race mixing! Old Negro men can be found playing with them in inner city barber shops. And that's not even getting into the matter of the dreaded Noid!





                    Here's an interesting story from the Wikipedia:
                    In the late 1980s, Domino's was well known for its advertisements featuring a character called the Noid, created by Group 243 Inc. who hired Will Vinton Studios to produce the television commercials that featured the character. The catchphrase associated with the commercials was "Avoid the Noid." The Noid was discontinued after Kenneth Lamar Noid, believing the mascot to be an imitation of him, held two Domino's employees hostage in Chamblee, Georgia. The employees escaped while Noid ate a pizza he had ordered. Noid was eventually diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and acquitted due to insanity, and later committed suicide.
                    Eating Domino's Pizza will make you criminally insane!

                    Originally posted by Isabella White View Post
                    Now, as for pizza, there is one pizza parlour that must be shut down once and for all -- photo attached.
                    Thank you for bringing up Hillary's House of Horrors: Comet Ping Pong. While it falls under the category of "any non-chain pizza restaurants," this particular pizza parlor deserves a special shoutout. Hillary Clinton has held black masses at this restaurant, and God only knows how many children John Podesta has raped on the premises. Of all the pizzerias in the world, Comet Ping Pong in Washington, D.C. is undoubtedly the absolute worst. Never, ever, even think about eating there, or you will be splayed out on a pentagram and disemboweled with a ceremonial dagger by a member of the liberal elite.

                    Originally posted by Emily Brent View Post
                    Why, if it isn't Chunky Cheesy Hilliary!
                    I forgot about Chuck E. Cheese, probably because I've never taken my children anywhere near one. Aside from the demonic animatronics, they hand out tokens in exchange for playing games, and these can be exchanged for candy and crappy toys. This teaches children that work is fun and easy, setting them up for a lifetime of crushing disappointment. After growing up and finding that REAL work consists of mopping floors or digging ditches, instead of whack-a-mole and skee ball, many workers turn to drugs or take their own lives. Also, most Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are EXTREMELY dangerous dens of sin and iniquity. They ought to call it Monk E. Cheese!


                    I was sinking deep in sin far from the peaceful shore,
                    Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more;
                    But the Master of the Sea heard my despairing cry,
                    From the waters lifted me, now safe am I!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

                      Originally posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
                      Pizza Hut:
                      Endorsed by The Donald. Enough said. If you go there, get the stuffed crust like he tells us to.
                      It has come to my attention that Pizza Hut has ceased to be a Godly restaurant in the time since I wrote this review. Apparently they're grooming children for homosexual exploitation by promoting pro-queer books in their reading program instead of the Bible, which tells us to straight up kill gays (Leviticus 20:13). Do not patronize Pizza Butt. Do not order their pedo-roni, their "stuffed crust," their "sausage." If you give them your money, you are actively financing child rape. Join the boycott now!
                      I was sinking deep in sin far from the peaceful shore,
                      Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more;
                      But the Master of the Sea heard my despairing cry,
                      From the waters lifted me, now safe am I!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

                        Originally posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
                        It has come to my attention that Pizza Hut has ceased to be a Godly restaurant in the time since I wrote this review. Apparently they're grooming children for homosexual exploitation by promoting pro-queer books in their reading program instead of the Bible, which tells us to straight up kill gays (Leviticus 20:13). Do not patronize Pizza Butt. Do not order their pedo-roni, their "stuffed crust," their "sausage." If you give them your money, you are actively financing child rape. Join the boycott now!
                        Brother, something about corporate mechanized food production inspires the worst in people: no not poetry, but close. I've seen enough to cause alarm.

                        I’m Lovin’ It”: clear reference to illicit gay sex

                        Taste the Rainbow”: allusions to oral sex (gay)

                        Finger-Lickin' Good”: sexual reference to masturbation (female)

                        Have it Your Way”: in the anus obviously

                        "America Runs on Dunkin'": teabagging

                        "The King of Pies": not your momma's but a dirty hairy manpie

                        "More than just a pie": turn it around and there's a penis

                        "Hand-tossed delight": I mean, come on...

                        "Grab a slice now!": finally something wholesome, grab a p**** now
                        If I have seen further, it is by standing on the heads of others.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

                          Originally posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
                          Thank you for these helpful reviews. It's a shame the original pizza came from Italy, the country of Catholics.
                          Whatever they ate in Italy would not have had tomato until someone discovered them which involved sailing out of the Med and keep going. That didn't happen until the 15th century. What is called pizza today, it follows, must be American. Whether the Italians still make their old version I have no idea.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

                            Originally posted by Didymus Much View Post
                            "In the U.K.", consumes what passes for pizza in 6 Canadian provinces (according to Wikipedia). Not delivered.
                            Canadians don´t eat pizza. They eat poutine:

                            Jeremiah 6:21 Therefore thus saith the LORD, Behold, I will lay stumblingblocks before this people, and the fathers and the sons together shall fall upon them; the neighbour and his friend shall perish.

                            Best wishes for the people in Ukraine.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: Pizza Restaurants: A Christian Review

                              Originally posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
                              It has come to my attention that Pizza Hut has ceased to be a Godly restaurant in the time since I wrote this review. Apparently they're grooming children for homosexual exploitation by promoting pro-queer books in their reading program instead of the Bible, which tells us to straight up kill gays (Leviticus 20:13). Do not patronize Pizza Butt. Do not order their pedo-roni, their "stuffed crust," their "sausage." If you give them your money, you are actively financing child rape. Join the boycott now!
                              Oh, no! How very upsetting to read of this disturbing news, dear Brother Lukes. Why, it was only a matter of time before PizzaGate reared its ugly head once more, and now we are seeing it happen — right before our very eyes! But, what else can we expect from a company that is most likely getting support from the DEMONrats and their sinful supporters?
                              Attached Files
                              (Mrs.) Isabella White

                              Hebrews 10:19 "Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the Blood of Jesus"

                              Comment

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