Retention strategies

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

It's getting hard not to notice a slight thinning of the flock in recent years, and all the missing Pastors. I can't quite put my finger on what the cause might be but this article about escapees from Scientology made me wonder... are former LBC members being lured into some dodgy cult?

I learned that the Scientists have something they call The Hole where people weak in their faith can be put to receive intensive counseling, at their expense, often by being forced to stand in a trash can for weeks or months at a time. Is this something we can work into our worship practices? I suggest not to start this without first consulting Leadership to receive the spiritual understanding of the method.

[WWJDnow]

Re: Retention strategies

We should always adopt best practices in discipline and Church fundraising, provided they are not contrary to our core belief that sin needs to be annihilated and people need to get right with God. Other churches mocked us when we offered our Convert to Christianity, Get a Free Playstation promotion, but think of all the souls we saved with this youth-oriented offer. Innovation is a good thing, provided we innovate within the tenets of a strict Biblical worldview.

Louis Farrakahn, the leader if the Nation of Islam (the black Muslims) has embraced Dianetics, the counseling/development program of Scientology, though not all of Scientology's doctrines. This has revitalized the flow of money into NoM's coffers.

As the Devil seems right now to be winning the culture wars and the size of the Landover flock is contracting, I think we should do the same and establish different levels of True Christianity™ which require expensive classes and counseling sessions to achieve. We could license the Dianetics materials, though we'd need to change some if the verbiage. Where the Scientologists talk about Xenu the volcano-dwelling cosmic evil overlord who was defeated trillions of years ago, we would say Satan who was defeated by God 6,000 years ago. Similarly, the body thetans who are the source of evil thoughts, we'd convert to demons.

We could also offer courses uniquely tailored to our mission, such as courses on arguing with atheists and Democrats, fighting evolution, avoiding masturbation, and, for female Church members (the Landovarians), how to obey your husband. These are all valuable skills for the modern traditional Christian.

Of course, our platinum, diamond, and double diamond-level tithers have already demonstrated their holiness, so they would be exempt from the program.

The simple fact is that our Church needs funds to take up God's cause in the fight against Satanic influence in our white, male-led American culture, and current methods just aren't cutting the mustard seed. We need more proactive thinking along the lines of what the eminent Dr. Toole has suggested.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Retention strategies

Other big denominations have been suffering loses. The Southern Baptists have been losing numbers of 10% for a decade or two. Catholics are falling as well.

I think Dr. Toole is on the right track. Here at LBC we have always had our best success, not by making nice appeals, but by punishment. If you go for something to make life miserable for sinners they will raise the white flag and surrender to us. This is a thread for the global thinkers here at LBC..

[Unfalsifiable]

Re: Retention strategies

At times like this I like to open the Bible. John 16:22.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Re: Retention strategies

At times like this I like to open the Bible. John 16:22.

Thank you, friend, that's the spirit. So what's a little pain now, a tightening of the belt, a doubling of tithes, compared to eternal rejoicing later.