Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addiction.

[Levi Jones]

I feel like we at Landover Baptist have done a wonderful job with our ex-masturbater program for men, but internet porn addiction is becoming more and more of a problem among ladies and couples.

I was inspired by this New York Times article about the godly Crystal Renaud's ministry for women who can't stop abusing themselves (or jilling off as the kids put it) to internets pornography.

I am offering two personalized ministries for people suffering from this abomination.

Females Addicted to Pornography International Network or (FAPIN).
Eligible candidates are ladies with low self esteem between the ages of 18-32. A photograph should be supplied so I can get a sense of the depth of demonic possession you are suffering from.

I will fly to wherever you are and rent a house for a couple of days where we will read selected excerpts from the Bible and watch instructional videos on various ways to stop abusing yourself. I know that this ministry will stretch you and let you see things from different perspectives and offer hope for your journey of recovery.


Coming Under Christian Knowledge or the CUCK ministry. I am also offering counseling to couples who are going through porn addiction where I will teach men how to be better leaders of their wives. He watches and takes notes while I demonstrate the true meaning of the LORD's gift of procreation.

I am doing this as a labor of love 100% free to eligible women or couples. Space is limited and times will fill up quickly. Please private message me if you or someone you love is suffering from internet pornography addiction.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

Females Addicted to Pornography International Network or (FAPIN).
Eligible candidates are ladies with low self esteem between the ages of 18-32. A photograph should be supplied so I can get a sense of the depth of demonic possession you are suffering from.

I will fly to wherever you are and rent a house for a couple of days where we will read selected excerpts from the Bible and watch instructional videos on various ways to stop abusing yourself. I know that this ministry will stretch you and let you see things from different perspectives and offer hope for your journey of recovery.

I am giving my endorsement of Pastor Levi, for he is very knowledgeable in such matters. He has assisted me greatly in my young women's ministry and has shown to be reliable, young man who works with the sole intention of spreading the Love of Christ to those who need it most. He is just so full of the spirit, he can't help but release it into troubled young women in their time of need. In the Ladies of the Lord program, we have had to deal with many women who suffer from the sin of self-abuse and there has been many a time when one man such as myself cannot satisfy a woman's spiritual cravings, so I had to call Levi in for backup.

Levi is also a contributing member of Gentlemen Against Pornographic Exhibition (GAPE) and has worked tirelessly in our efforts to ban all pornography from being sold in Freehold or being accessed on the internet here. When it comes to stomping out the depravity of pornography and masturbation, you won't find another so diligent and dedicated as Pastor Levi Jones.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

To add to what Reverend Osborne as mentioned Pastor Jones work on the Freehold Cable and Theater Content Review Board has been amazing. He has an uncanny talent from finding porn in even the most bland of movies or TV shows, we all joke about Levi's "porndar" that lets him pick out the one quick girl on girl kiss out out two and half hours chick flick. His tireless work on viewing these shows and certainly been a big help for the rest of us.

[HTannor]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

There we have it, Brothers, proof-positive.

If Reverend Jim and Bobby-Joe have endorsed the hard work of Brother Levi, who are we to quibble?

[Dirk]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

There we have it, Brothers, proof-positive.

If Reverend Jim and Bobby-Joe have endorsed the hard work of Brother Levi, who are we to quibble?

Amen!

[handmaiden]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

Oh Brother Levy;

When I read that article, I was nearly brought to tears. What those poor young women are going through -- thinking about sex during their adolescent years before they are properly married!

In wish I were of an age to take advantage of your supportive ministry, but I am too old. Perhaps if I were to send you a picture of my younger, cuter self, you could pray for me from time to time?

I really do feel for the struggles of younger women. There was a time in my early thirties when my libido was through the roof. Once, I was so greedy with lust that I had eight orgasms in the space of just a few hours! If there had been a man involved I might have killed him. And this happened without the help, I mean influence, of internet porn. All I had were a shower massager and thoughts of Dennis Quaid's abs.

Regrettfuly Yours,

Handmaiden

[HTannor]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

When I read that article, I was nearly brought to tears. What those poor young women are going through -- thinking about sex during their adolescent years before they are properly married!

Agreed, truly tragic.

Perhaps if I were to send you a picture of my younger, cuter self, you could pray for me from time to time?

No problem, please send the photo.

Once, I was so greedy with lust that I had eight orgasms in the space of just a few hours!

I suppose it's too much to ask if you have a video of this sorrowful experience.

[handmaiden]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

I suppose it's too much to ask if you have a video of this sorrowful experience.

Sorry, no video, only my hot, steamy memories . . .


Ya know, it is really is pretty sad when your best memories about sex have to do with masturbation. Really, how pathetic do you have to be to be fantazing about masturbation when you're masturbating?

Or how about when you have erotic dreams and you're still alone in them?
It's definitely time to hand over the last of the hormones.

Which is great! It makes becoming a eunuch for Christ so much easier when you're repulsive to the opposite sex!

It may not be a cure for internet porn addiction, ( but just maybe making addicts watch porn with really ugly people goin' at it would work . . . hmmm )
however a general overall disgusting quality would prevent many occasions for sin.

I feel so much better now. Praise the Lord and pass the double churned ice cream!

Triumphantly Yours,

Handmaiden

[Levi Jones]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

In wish I were of an age to take advantage of your supportive ministry, but I am too old. Perhaps if I were to send you a picture of my younger, cuter self, you could pray for me from time to time?

Absolutely! I will even pray all over you when you are truly ready to lay back and let Jesus work in you and become a True Christian™.

I really do feel for the struggles of younger women. There was a time in my early thirties when my libido was through the roof. Once, I was so greedy with lust that I had eight orgasms in the space of just a few hours! If there had been a man involved I might have killed him. And this happened without the help, I mean influence, of internet porn. All I had were a shower massager and thoughts of Dennis Quaid's abs.

Regrettfuly Yours,

Handmaiden

What a truly sad and disgusting testimony. You seem to be on your way back to the narrow path of Salvation. That's a good thing.

Matthew 7:13-14
Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

[Levi Jones]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

Bunch of ewww gross deleted.
It may not be a cure for internet porn addiction, ( but just maybe making addicts watch porn with really ugly people goin' at it would work . . . hmmm )
however a general overall disgusting quality would prevent many occasions for sin.

I love this idea. We should show them how dirty and disgusting sex truly is. It's not glamorous or hot! It's just nasty and you shouldn't do it!

1 Corinthians 7:8
I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.

[handmaiden]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

Absolutely! I will even pray all over you when you are truly ready to lay back and let Jesus work in you and become a True Christian™.




What a truly sad and disgusting testimony. You seem to be on your way back to the narrow path of Salvation. That's a good thing.

Matthew 7:13-14
Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

Brother I do need support in this. Dennis Quaid is not the only one with great abs.

Now, I hesitate to say this, and I ask you to consider a lashing rather than a stoning, but have you ever noticed how the pedophile/pervert/closet homo Catholic church often displays crucifixes with a particular "buff" Jesus on them?!

Please don't (too thoroughly ) rebuke the messenger! I didn't commission such art work. I'm pointing out the problem. Besides being a bastion of idolatry, Catholic artwork often has a erotic undertone that is doubly dangerous to the soul.

By the way, I was kinda hot when I was younger.

Diplomaticaly Yours,

HANDMAIDEN

[Levi Jones]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

By the way, I was kinda hot when I was younger.

I rebuke your advances toward me, in the name of Jesus Christ! You are in dire need of some serious prayer, harlot in heat. If there is anyone who is in need of having the Word of Jesus Christ washed all over, it's you!

[handmaiden]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

I rebuke your advances toward me, in the name of Jesus Christ! You are in dire need of some serious prayer, harlot in heat. If there is anyone who is in need of having the Word of Jesus Christ washed all over, it's you!

Hey, I was pointing out that I USED to be attractive. What little self-esteem I have left is dedicated to reminding me NOT to throw myself at younger, prettier men.

I wish I could claim a godly spirit for my lack of temptability ( is that even a word? ) but the fact is that I am no temptation to a fine Christian man such as yourself. Still, I will pray for you; just in case you are in danger of being seduced by my wit and facility in the use of semicolons.

Most Respectfully Yours,

Handmaiden

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

Hey, I was pointing out that I USED to be attractive.

Are you sure it is not your sharp tounge that scares men away?

[handmaiden]

Re: Christian hope for those suffering from internet porn addicti

Are you sure it is not your sharp tounge that scares men away?

Nope, I honestly and plainly mean that I was actually rather pretty when I was younger; however, like most insecure women in our culture, I didn't believe that. Now, putting aside all false modesty, I can say that I am a non-hideous, but not particularly attractive middle age woman. Frankly, I have a pleasant face that makes me seem unthreatening, but no one would term me particularly good-looking.*

Speaking of having a pleasant face and your comment about my sharp tongue, well, my dear Cranky Old Man, I cannot disagree with you. Here in this forum where I challenge myself to precision in language, I do seem a little acerbic, don't I?

The ironic thing is that in most social situations I am considered personable, even downright sweet. The neighbors always considered me to be the quiet one in my family ( you would have to meet them to appreciate how hilariously ironic that is).

In manner I am considered gracious and good natured. The discrepancy here is that --as with so many others -- the functional anonymity of the internet brings out another side of me, arguably not my best side.

Consider the effects of this means of interaction. You actually scare me a little!

Still, it is on me to learn how to comport myself with meekness and submission as a True Christian woman should. Perhaps I should refrain myself to only posting the occasional, "amen" or hallelujah"?

Meanwhile, getting back to the issue at hand. I need prayers to assist me in resisting thoughts of lust over Dennis Quaid, Kenneth Branagh and Bruce Greenwood. There's also this guy at work whose backside I often admire, but I don't know his name. Powerful prayer needed here, brother.

Acerbically Yours,

Handmaiden

* the Lord, of course, only cares if I am covered in His blood; which is a really good look for me, as red flatters my complexton