[GoodGodlyLord]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Brothers!! I am at my wits end with Abigail. The past few months she has exhibited behavior unbecoming of a True Christian™ woman. I am ashamed to bring this before you, I thought I would be able to correct her, but I am out of options.

Where do I start....

In the middle of Pastor Ezekiels sermon, Abigail spoke. She asked permission to use the washroom....I could not believe what I was hearing. Scripture tells us women are to keep their yaps shut during service.

The shame was on me after noticing Pastor Ezekiels cold stare and nod to remove her. This was not the first time this has happened.

Abigail is becoming more and more resistant to staying in her hut out back during her unclean time. She questions the validity of the Old Testament and begs me to just stay in the basement. She adds that because it's winter and she only has a coleman stove (to keep her warm), the temperatures get so cold she's afraid she's going to get hypothermia.

"Nonesense Abigail, through prayer the Love of the Lord will keep you warm."

I then explain for the 100th time she can't be around me and the boys, the scriptures are clear. (I had to forcefully remove her from the house and lock her in the hut last time).



After that, things got worse. Seeing as she questioned the Will of God, Jesus smited her with pneumonia. Like any caring husband, I consoled her:

"Abigail, this is what happens when you question God's Will, you only have yourself to blame. I really hope you learn from this. Now, please prepare supper, we're getting hungry".

She looked up at me and replied:

"*COUGH* John I am too sick to walk, let alone cook *COUGH*"

NOW SHE'S USURPING MY AUTHORITY OVER HER!!!! NOT IN MY HOUSE!!

After I flipped the mattress and sent her crashing into the wall she finally got the message I meant business. I won't have my wife talking back to me!!

The latest is I found her drunk in the prayer closet in just her underwear. She whined about being depressed and lonely and I quoted the appropriate before "correcting" her.



See what I have to deal with? I'd divorce her but God says I can't Matthew 19:9

I am open to suggestions my Brothers!!

Have you tried treating her like a human being?

[John Creeser]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Once again I do not wish to intrude any actual suggestions here and I don't need to explain that I never offer advice to other's Husbands or to Pastors in fact even thinking about such a notion makes me feel very peculiar and I will need to go and lie down for a while.

My prayers for deliverance from so dreadful a burden as your wife has become are with you Mr Creeser. Assuring you of my prompt attention at all times if you need a hand with anything in the kitchen [subject to Pastoral approval],

ML

Thank you Sister Mitza - I may need some help figuring out how to turn on the stove (and other appliances).

Brothers, today is not a good day. Deaner, I tried the rat thing but it went terribly sideways. When she saw the bowl, rats and blow torch, she came at me with seemingly super human strength. Next thing I know I am in the air, the rats scurried away and bowl smashed to pieces. I've never seen the women move so fast, thank God the boys were able to haul me to safety.

Soooo...she's down there in the dark with the rats. There is no doubt now she is possessed by a demon (oral or anal...perhaps both). She hasn't stopped screaming...and it's been 10 hours. I didn't sleep a wink (I hope the rats are ok, I paid $12 a piece for them).

Don't worry Bobby Joe, Abigail won't be attending service until she excised.

[MitzaLizalor]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!




Once again I do not wish to intrude any actual suggestions here and I don't need to explain that I never offer advice to other's Husbands or to Pastors in fact even thinking about such a notion makes me feel very peculiar and I will need to go and lie down for a while.

My prayers for deliverance from so dreadful a burden as your wife has become are with you Mr Creeser. Assuring you of my prompt attention at all times if you need a hand with anything in the kitchen [subject to Pastoral approval],

ML

[Godfly]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

You should show Abigail the abandon car by the free way that Mrs. Godfrey must use for her unclean times. Then she might show a little graditude for that Beutiful hut you built for her.

It's this kind of attitude that makes me pray nightly for my own wife's death.

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

That air belongs to you, brother. Tell her to spit it out.

Glory Brothers, it's this sense of entitlement that let's the demons in. Once she realizes she needs to give thanks for every breath she takes will the her healing process begin.

Tell then Brother Cresser, we will have to exclude your wife from Sunday service. The contamination risk is to great. I am sure you agree you don't want your wife turning any man gay.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Should I be appreciative she breathes air?

That air belongs to you, brother. Tell her to spit it out.

[John Creeser]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

In situations like this, we have to be very careful. We do not want to kill the wrong demon, thus allowing thus allowing the other one to go run willy-nilly throughout your loved ones body.

We have determined the problem... Brother Creeser's wife big, mouthy, insulting yap. Now; it it an anal demon, or an oral demon?

I have heard the legendary stories of the size of Brother Creeser's TRUE Christian. Given that, I have also heard the stories of Brother Creeser's gigantic spooge explosions that have been given anally. They end up coming out his wife's nose, ears, eyes and yap. I am really confused on this one.

I defer to the Pastors.

I hear you Brother. I am not entirely sure how to check either (still waiting on a senior Pastor to drop by). She's been locked in the basement and she's screaming she's fine, she's just been really depressed lately because I don't seem to appreciate all she does around the house. Well duh, her role (as outlined in the Bible) *is* to take care of the home and do as I say...why would I be appreciative of her living up to her Biblical requirements.

Should I be appreciative she breathes air?

[Deaner]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Thank you Sister Mary.....african anal demons I pray it's not those (why...WHY did I hire that nigra). I am hoping a mixture of prayer and Brother Jenkins suggestions will purge her of her unchristian like behavior.

In situations like this, we have to be very careful. We do not want to kill the wrong demon, thus allowing thus allowing the other one to go run willy-nilly throughout your loved ones body.

We have determined the problem... Brother Creeser's wife's big, mouthy, insulting yap. Now; it it an anal demon, or an oral demon?

I have heard the legendary stories of the size of Brother Creeser's TRUE Christian. Given that, I have also heard the stories of Brother Creeser's gigantic spooge explosions that have been given anally. They end up coming out his wife's nose, ears, eyes and yap. I am really confused on this one.

I defer to the Pastors.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

I am off to the pet store.

Brother, I have not been recognized as Family Man of the Year without good cause.

When I used to put rats on my ex-wife's stomach during her third and fifth pregnancies (which both turned out to be female, I might add), I would set up squirrel traps near the dump. I find that feral rats are much more effective than domesticated ones. Ethel's lesbian lifestyle choice still prevented the Light of Christ from shining upon her womb, and so I was denied a son for the second time.

[John Creeser]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Keep in mind, if Mr. Creeser unwittingly let in African Anal Demons when allowing his Tribal maid into the home, they would infect any willing receptacle, even a woman.



Mr. Creeser, I will keep you and Abigail in my prayers as well, for we all know there is no action as powerful as prayer to effect a change.

Thank you Sister Mary.....african anal demons I pray it's not those (why...WHY did I hire that nigra). I am hoping a mixture of prayer and Brother Jenkins suggestions will purge her of her unchristian like behavior.

[John Creeser]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Waterboarding can be useful as a form of discipline, causing her to forget whatever sinful abomination she has been craving anally, and think about more important things like oxygen and the afterlife.

Remember that according to Ephesians 5:23, you have all the authority of God Himself when it comes to your own wife. That means you can do anything up to and including burning her for all eternity. I would recommend taking it easy on her, since the Lord has established Hell as a safety net to trap those who conflate invisibility with non-existence (clever of the Lord).

The merciful thing to do would be to tie her up by one thumb, so that she is balanced with one foot on a railroad spike. When the spike starts to bore into her foot, she will pull up with her thumb. Then when the ligaments in her thumb begin to give way, she will bear down on the hurt foot. She will go back and forth like this indefinitely, and this should help to clear her mind of sinful thoughts.

If that doesn't work, put some rats in a bowl, and place the bowl against her abdomen. Then, heat the bowl with a blowtorch until the rats start to eat her. Don't let the rats go free until you are certain her salvation has been secured.

Brother Jenkins - I should have sought you out first as your domestic discipline methods are legendary (even by Landover standards). I cannot begin to express my gratitude for your recommendations. Ha...here I thought slamming her into the wall or a smack across the face would put her back in good True Christian(tm) form.

And yes, according to the Bible she HAS to obey me. Time for me to pull up my pants and be the husband!! With that said, I am off to the pet store.

[Paragon of virtue]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

I was just going to suggest regular maintenance spankings, but the rat thing is pretty cool.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Waterboarding can be useful as a form of discipline, causing her to forget whatever sinful abomination she has been craving anally, and think about more important things like oxygen and the afterlife.

Remember that according to Ephesians 5:23, you have all the authority of God Himself when it comes to your own wife. That means you can do anything up to and including burning her for all eternity. I would recommend taking it easy on her, since the Lord has established Hell as a safety net to trap those who conflate invisibility with non-existence (clever of the Lord).

The merciful thing to do would be to tie her up by one thumb, so that she is balanced with one foot on a railroad spike. When the spike starts to bore into her foot, she will pull up with her thumb. Then when the ligaments in her thumb begin to give way, she will bear down on the hurt foot. She will go back and forth like this indefinitely, and this should help to clear her mind of sinful thoughts.

If that doesn't work, put some rats in a bowl, and place the bowl against her abdomen. Then, heat the bowl with a blowtorch until the rats start to eat her. Don't let the rats go free until you are certain her salvation has been secured.

[WalkingInTheLight]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Keep in mind, if Mr. Creeser unwittingly let in African Anal Demons when allowing his Tribal maid into the home, they would infect any willing receptacle, even a woman.



Mr. Creeser, I will keep you and Abigail in my prayers as well, for we all know there is no action as powerful as prayer to effect a change.

Oh dear, it is a sad thing when even hiring help carries such terrible risk

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: BITCH WIFE becoming harder to control!! HELP!!

Surely it can't be anal demons? I would have thought that could only happen if one had engaged in anal sex? What a terrible trial to you, Mr Creeser I will pray that your wife can be salvaged and restored to Christian subservience!

Keep in mind, if Mr. Creeser unwittingly let in African Anal Demons when allowing his Tribal maid into the home, they would infect any willing receptacle, even a woman.



Mr. Creeser, I will keep you and Abigail in my prayers as well, for we all know there is no action as powerful as prayer to effect a change.