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  • Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

    What Would Jesus Do With Dr. Laurie

    Dear Dr. Laurie, PhD:

    I have a condition called Coeliac disease and requires that I be on a gluten-free diet. That means that I can't eat wheat, which communion wafers are made from.

    I'd like to move to Freehold and join your wonderful congregation, but I need to know friendly it is to my special needs. Does your church service include the Eucharist? If it does, are gluten-free communion wafers available?

    Bless You,
    NotSeedy
    NotSeedy, you will no doubt be pleased to learn that we do NOT do that blasphemous wine and death-cracker cannabalism ritual. Nowhere in The Last Supper does Jesus command future generations to get tipsy on glorified mouthwash and swallow a symbolic slice of the Savior's salami.

    The answer they've never given me, is, exactly what body-part are they supposed to be eating, anyway? It's too small in diameter to be a slice of his thumb, too big to be a slice of his wrist, and there's no bone. No, there's only one boneless, sliceable body-part it could be, but I won't go there.

    Read for yourself what the Bible says about the Last Supper: (Mt. 26:17-30, Mk. 14:12-26, Lk. 22:7-39 and Jn. 13:1-17:26). He even said it four times (Jesus tended to say everything four times with different wording, just to be certain everybody could understand) Is there anyplace in that scripture where the almighty claims that he wanted to see future generations treat him as some kind of gingerbread man?


    Jesus, as seen by Eucharist-believers.
    Now, when you believe insane blasphemy that that, it's only a small leap to gluten-free insane blasphemy.

    So, which body part of Christ is the gluten-free one? Is it his left buttock that's made of rice, or the right?

    Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), United Methodist, Christian Reformed, Episcopal, and Lutheran churches/covens believe this.

    Catholics are currently employing legions of bureaucrats to answer this problem - and not one of them has noticed that, according to Catholic Church Dogma, when the wheat cracker hits the stomach it transforms into human flesh. (Raw or cooked, I don't know or care). Hey geniuses, Meat is gluten-free!

    However, to disprove this claim that communion gives you a belly full of human blood and body-part, all it takes is for one person to vomit after communion (the quality of their wine makes this inevitable). Heck, doing what every fashion model does and purging after communion could solve this gluten problem also. I wouldn't be surprised if at least one of the disciples were binge-and-purgers, just look at how ripped they are. How else did they stay so thin? They obviously weren't on the Atkins diet.

    I myself am going to vomit if I have to keep thinking about these blasphemous, occult cannibalism rituals.

    My advice to you is to quit whining about your "Coeliac disease" and suck it up. God sends plagues, to punish us when we're bad, and to test our faith when we're good. (Exodus 9:9-11 Num 14:36-37, Num 16:41-50, 2 Samuel 24:13) He even deliberately targets the digestive tract: (1 Samuel 5:6-12) It is not our lot to try to thwart God's will.

    Cripples should graciously submit to the plagues that God has smitten them with. "Who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD?" -- Exodus 4:11

    The Bible specifically says that cripples, defined as anyone with ANY blemish, are not to approach the altar at Church:

    "Whosoever ... hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God. For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;... Only he shall not go in unto the vail, nor come nigh unto the altar, because he hath a blemish; that he profane not my sanctuaries." -- Leviticus 21:17-23

    Don't worry, you'll still be a allowed at the back of the church. You might want to bring binoculars, and avoid bringing any valuables that the coloreds might steal.

    In my day people knew how to suffer in silence, without demanding special privileges, or trying to rewrite history by implying that Jesus also served gluten-free bread at the Last Supper. What's next, a claim that the loaves and fishes miracle involved only fish labeled dolphin-free? That the Three Wise Men brought "conflict-free" gold and "hypoallergenic" incense and "fair trade" myrrh?

    Suck it up, cripple. Stop whining and start winning!

    Ps. It's spelled P.H.D.
    Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 02-14-2014, 03:41 PM. Reason: She had a problem with her period
    Founder and CEO Methodological Methods Labs L.L.C. Savvy doctor-shoppers shop here!

    Donate to the Sacred Life Sperm Bank today! "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you". -Jeremiah 1:5, and Psalm 139:13

  • #2
    Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

    I was diagnosed as a coeliac when I was 18 months old and only weighed 12 lbs and was too weak to even sit up. I was on my death bed. They wouldn't even admit me to hospital because they said I'd fret, and I had no energy to fret. If I fretted, I'd die. I looked like a starving Biafran baby - all belly, and no flesh on my limbs. Once diagnosed, I started gaining weight. I must have been a very sinful baby. But once I found God, I lost my gluten intolerance! I now eat totally normally - I eat wheat bread, pies (lots of pies), everything (but not shrimps).
    GLORY!!

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    • #3
      Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

      Originally posted by Mother Of Seven View Post
      I now eat totally normally - I eat wheat bread, pies (lots of pies), everything (but not shrimps).
      GLORY!!
      With faith in the LORD you can move muffins.

      Sorry, I couldn't resist.

      Don't you shop at the UranusCo company store? I heard that long ago they replaced wheat products with cheaper alternatives. Last I heard nerve gas manufacturing byproducts are gluten-free.
      Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
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      • #4
        Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

        Hey wait, so Dr. Laurie says the Eucharist/communion thing is nonsense, but Jeb, here you are being quoted as saying it's real:
        Host-Nailing Epidemic hits LA, NYC, DC

        Graham Robertson, Bush Youth Middle-Eastern Correspondent

        His blood be on us, and on our children - The Jews (Matthew 27:24-25)

        Hollywood CA - It began when when receiver John McCarthy saw a strange shipping manifest. "My first thought was, somebody's got a fubar on their hands. 5 crates of communion wafers going to a Synogogue? And why would they need an entire pallet of nails?"

        The revelations unravelled with lightning speed. A bi-curious republican congressman (who must remain anonymous for obvious reasons) reported that he saw patrons at a gay bar fondling and licking communion wafers. At JFK airport in NYC, airport security was called when a papist cardinal vomited a stomacheload of raw flesh and blood onto a stewardess. DNA analasis indicated that the flesh and blood was human.

        To the average layman, this sounds like random bizaree incidents. But to the Washington DC based advocacy group Stop Cannibalism Now, all the puzzle pieces fit together.

        Founder Jane Thomson explains: "Catholics regularily engage in cannibalism via transubstantiation - the host wafer during catlick mass is transformed into the body of Jesus inside the catlick stomache. However, host wafers have a history of being used for even worse purposes".

        In the thirteenth century, European Jews began a movement to re-cruicify Christ. In Belitz Germany 1243, many Jews confessed to the crime under interrogation and were nuetralized. In Nuremberg, in 1298, six hundred and twenty eight Jews were pacified for the same offence. While in Deggendorf, Bavaria. the entire Jewish community was found guilty of host-nailing. Even the children were engaged in the ritual. In 1370, in Brussels, as many as five hundred were sentenced to pain compliance for the offence. Jewish confession of host-nailing continued until the late eighteenth century.

        The host-nailing movement was clearly prophesized in the Bible, says Thomson.

        And therefore did the Jews persecute Jesus, and sought to slay him, because he had done these things on the sabbath day - John 5:16

        It has long been rumoured that Catholic church has been providing mass shipments of communion wafers to Isreal in return for the Jewish media keeping silent about various child-abuse abuse incidents of which the publically known scandal is just the tip of the iceburg. However, the movement of the host-nailing epidemic onto American soil is causing a tital wave of devastation.

        Police report that car accidents have increased 20% and hospitals have noted patients dying from minor ailments. The reason is clear, says Thomson, "God is removing his protection from us."

        "It would be a mistake to only blame the Jews" says Jeb Stuart Thurmond, owner of a Landover Baptist Church [News - Web Sites] franchise in Jessup County, Alabama. "We need to remember that homosexuals are also doing some host "nailing" though of a different type."

        Thurmond's investigation of gay bars and clubs in major metropolital centers has found that 65% of establishments have communion wafers, and 30% of them are willing to "pimp" those wafers for less than $9.99 a half-hour.

        "We have found evidence of communion wafers being inserted anally, being "sandwiched" participating in "jousting" and this is just the tip of the iceburg. We have reports from within the Vatican that special penis-shaped wafers are baked, and cardinals compete to see who can swallow the most".

        He also reports that 84% of new gay porn releases contain host-nailing scenes, but that he has only reviewed 90% of new releases due to a lack of funding. "Jesus needs your donations now!" says Thurmond. "Not only has he died on the cross for you, now he is being raped and molested in Hollywood! Will you just stand there and watch? Donate to Landover Baptist Church now!"


        Not that I'm trying to start a fight between you two or anything…

        Oh, who am I kidding. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

        Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 02-18-2014, 12:23 AM.
        #forevertrump: Supporter of The Donald as president-for-life! #MAGAlomaniac!

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        • #5
          Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

          Originally posted by Dr. Laurie PHD View Post
          Catholics are currently employing legions of bureaucrats to answer this problem - and not one of them has noticed that, according to Catholic Church Dogma, when the wheat cracker hits the stomach it transforms into human flesh. (Raw or cooked, I don't know or care). Hey geniuses, Meat is gluten-free!

          However, to disprove this claim that communion gives you a belly full of human blood and body-part, all it takes is for one person to vomit after communion (the quality of their wine makes this inevitable). Heck, doing what every fashion model does and purging after communion could solve this gluten problem also. I wouldn't be surprised if at least one of the disciples were binge-and-purgers, just look at how ripped they are. How else did they stay so thin? They obviously weren't on the Atkins diet.

          I myself am going to vomit if I have to keep thinking about these blasphemous, occult cannibalism rituals.

          My children and I hand out these bags on the steps of Catholic churches when the sheeple come out of their Mass. It's a guaranteed conversation starter.


          Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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          • #6
            Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

            Originally posted by Sally Paulson View Post
            but Jeb, here you are being quoted as saying it's real
            I'm sure he was just being quoted out of context and being metaphorical and allegorical and poetic and stuff.

            The fight I want to see is between the churches that drink alcoholic communion wine and the Mormon grape-juice communionists.

            Get your act together guys: what part of Jesus' body contains the real wine, and what part contained the grape juice? If He bleeds from a certain point will grape Kool-ade come out, and Grape Crush from another?

            Oh no, don't stress out on this, it's not like messing this stuff up with result in you losing eternal bliss and being sent into eternal damnation. Oh. Wait. IT DOES!
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            • #7
              Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

              Gluten-free food is a fraud. On the glycemic index gluten-free alternatives are slightly below injecting jet fuel into your eyeballs.

              Not that I'm into that vampire stuff in the first place. The only blood I'm into is on the 5th moon of XzyXzzxork 8, tell the bartender you want a "5-dimentional anime nosebleed". It comes complete with handy little cocktail umbrellas (the planet has very small rainclouds). Strong stuff though, you get a vanilla-extract-hangover BEFORE you drink it.
              Last edited by _The Earthling_; 03-04-2014, 12:11 PM. Reason: Didn't actuall edit, this is just an artifact of living in 5 dimentions

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              • #8
                Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

                Originally posted by _The Earthling_ View Post
                (desperate cry for help)
                Tell me friend, have you been Saved(tm)?
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                • #9
                  Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

                  Originally posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
                  Tell me friend, have you been Saved™?
                  Once I slipped on a pile of kangaroo turds and landed face-first in a bucket of slightly-rancid penguin-puke, is that close enough to count?

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                  • #10
                    Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

                    I'm talking about being washed in the blood of the lamb, friend.

                    Both your animal and your bodily fluid are incorrect.
                    Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
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                    • #11
                      Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

                      Originally posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
                      I'm talking about being washed in the blood of the lamb, friend.
                      I've been:
                      • splashed with the snot of the aardvark,
                      • dunked in the earwax of the platypus,
                      • wafted with the vart-humidity of the narwhale,
                      • lightly sprinkled with the armpit-sweat of the saturnian tree-octopus,
                      • sponged with the bile of the neptunian nose-goblin,
                      • drizzled with the pimplejuice of a triceratops-carrot hybrid,
                      • smeared with the antifreeze of several prototypes of lobsterbot,
                      • globbed with the goober of the psudoneomegaglorph (though not yet in this particular space-time continuum).


                      Surely the benefits overlap at some point, right? Is such extreme precision really necessary?

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                      • #12
                        Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

                        Gluten free is for gays, whores, sinners and foreigners. Read your Bible. Mark 16:18.

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                        • #13
                          Re: Do Baptists celebrate the Eucharist? What about a gluten-free communion wafers?

                          Originally posted by _The Earthling_ View Post
                          I've been:
                          • splashed with the snot of the aardvark...sponged with the bile of the neptunian nose-goblin...drizzled with the pimplejuice of a triceratops-carrot hybrid,
                          I think you might technically be a high-ranking Scientologist. You might want to look into that - could be lucrative.
                          Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
                          Got Questions? See Frequently Asked Questions, or use Forum Search, tag system, or our guides on Geography, History, Science, Comparative Religion, Civics, and Current Events.
                          Did I use a new word you've never heard? Definitions here. | Vote! Everything you need to vote here!

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