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  • Brethren, we need to talk about MILFs

    We need to talk about M.I.L.F.s.

    Standing for Marry Into a Loving Family, M.I.L.F.s are women old enough to be one's own mother. Not to be confused with teen moms, who themselves are not be confused with grizzled slagheaps who happened to put their hair into ponytails to hide the clumps that got pulled out during the previous 3 scenes they filmed that day. But I'm digressing.

    I've been helping set up the new Noah's Arc Museum, and not because I love arcs. I mean, I get seasick just by listening to the Beach Boys. But I'm on a mission here.

    I'm trying to find love with the one demographic I've never tried: middle-class white baby-boomers. So far so good, but I noticed something about these women:

    They hate pens and paper. They don't write shopping lists, they have maps yet don't put them in their cars, give them a checklist and if they actually use it, they will use specks instead of checkmarks as if ink is made from the blood of orphaned puppies or something.

    They do things the stupid way for reasons of instinctive signaling, like a 12 year old boy who does stupid things because "what are you, chicken?" Only in this case it's "write things down? What am I, stupid?" All of them are Too Smart For Literacy.

    Any redundancy is "overkill", which is assumed to be a bad thing in and of itself. Any preparation for imperfect results is "paranoid". Any attempt at problem-solving is an annoyance - you're supposed to show good humor by rolling with the punches. Especially if it's someone else who is getting punched.

    This is usually just weird, but in this case we're trying to organize a model of the 8,700,000 species in existence, two of each, with hell to pay
    (literally!) if we don't check and make sure every couple is a male and a female.

    THIS. IS. JUST. WRONG:


    (On a side note, I'm very impressed by amount and sheer variety of animals that have been shot and stuffed for this project. How you guys got around the endangered species laws, I won't ask!)

    We can't have predators next to prey, we can't have anything that might cross-breed (interspecies sex creates monsters) and so on. I don't know how to politely state that the way these ladies kept track of knick-nacks in their attics is not up to the standards needed for an operation of this scale and consequence.

    This is what it's supposed to look like:



    But this is what it actually looks like:

    I tried to draw a map, but they say it's too complex because it doesn't use "left" and "right" and "you can't miss it".

    I've been told that women like "confidence". "Confidence" is never defined, but it seems to involve being good at something, and knowing that you're good at it. I've done lots of organization and logistical work in my career. I don't like to brag....

    So I don't. And here I am. Have you ever wondered what doormats wipe their feet on when THEY get home? Me. I'm what they wipe their feet on.
    Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 07-25-2022, 04:33 PM.
    Founder and CEO of Trickle-Down Charities™, LLC.

    Current Project: Bedmates For Billionaires: Biblical eldercare straight from King David
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    True Christians™ believe they they exist to serve the Bible-revealed will of God.
    False Christians believe the Bible exists to serve their will. GOD IS NOT YOUR YES-MAN!

  • #2
    Re: Brethren, we need to talk about MILFs.

    This is not just one isolated instance. Over and over again I have seen this demographic take on huge responsibilities, only to slack worse than a road crew because they believe that only the appearance of good intentions matters, and if you care about actual results you're either a hysterical loser or a slavedriving jerk.

    My mother was an elementary school teacher who doesn't like kids at all. She thinks they're not civilized, they're not classy, and they don't match the carpets. My sister drowned within seconds of her life literally at the feet of my Mom, who was gabbing with her fellow boomer in full social-tunnel-vision mode until someone else shouted to her. Later she would tell the story like she was a lifeguard on Baywatch or something.

    When I was a baby she left me outside on a winter night and just plain forgot about me, until I'd gotten frostbite. A few moments more and my penis would have needed to be amputated, which would have been just as well seeing as how much use it's been to me.

    Every time I try to court a woman, I automatically go into a "finally, a chance for some attention from mommy" mode that is -10 on the attractiveness scale, if Jefferey Dahmer is a 0. I know I'm supposed to do all sorts of pick-up-artist mind-games, fool her into thinking I'm a granny-stabbing biker fresh from his latest gangrape, but I just can't will myself to do it. My one and only hope is to be good at music.

    ...Which I'm not, because singing takes confidence, and every instrument takes multi-tasking abilities. I may have had a chance with bass guitar, but because my high school music class already had one bass guitarist, and 4 drummers, the teacher decided to make me the 5th drummer. I'm too old to play bass guitar today, my wrists have repetitive stress injuries from....I dunno, I'll let you guess.

    And then there's the shrink who reads her newsfeed while I pour my heart out about my life, and when I stop talking, she keeps on saying "uh-huh, right, oh, uh-huh". If my life was a comedy people would say it's too exaggerated and unrealistic.
    Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 11-14-2022, 04:04 PM.
    Founder and CEO of Trickle-Down Charities™, LLC.

    Current Project: Bedmates For Billionaires: Biblical eldercare straight from King David
    Goal:
    $500,000 Currently raised: $0.11 DONATE NOW! Yes, we accept Biblecoins!

    True Christians™ believe they they exist to serve the Bible-revealed will of God.
    False Christians believe the Bible exists to serve their will. GOD IS NOT YOUR YES-MAN!

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    • #3
      Re: Brethren, we need to talk about MILFs.

      I was told that MILF stood for Messiah I'd Love to Follow. That's why I have a bumper sticker that reads Jesus is my MILF. Am I missing something here?
      The Christian Right: The Only Right Way to Be a Christian!

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      • #4
        Re: Brethren, we need to talk about older women

        Originally posted by Trent Harvey, Jr. View Post
        I tried to draw a map, but they say it's too complex because it doesn't use "left" and "right" and "you can't miss it".
        Okay X-er. The thing about Boomers is they don't know how to ignore or discard irrelevant information. Show them a website and they'll read everything, in order, including the ads. Show them the bill of rights, and they'll read the whole thing, even the racist part with the rights in it.

        Younger generations are much better at ignoring unimportant things. On my last flight two zoomer parents scrolled their infocrack (info-ntanyl?) feeds while their dehydrated baby was screaming and shriveling in their laps. About halfway through the baby either learned to stay in it's lane or died, I dunno, I was kind of busy because at that point Trump had tweeted something offensive.

        Oh, trigger warning: the previous statement (the one about child neglect and dead babies) contained references to Trump tweets.
        Trigger Warning: the text you have just read may have caused: flashbacks to historical oppression, normalization of whiteness, hegemonic hyper-masculinity (if I must say so myself), assumption of genders, species, and/or status as a living being, other problematic sins which are yet to be discovered and outlawed but I should still be (eventually) punished for.

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        • #5
          Re: Brethren, we need to talk about older women

          Babies should travel in a separate compartment, like a crèche in the hold for example. It could be done out as a rumpus room. It would be soundproof. In any event, the main cause of infants crying is the anxiety of the parents – as is abundantly clear in hospitals. Most of the time they're fine but as soon as a parent turns up, anxiety is communicated (probably by scent) and the child becomes anxious too.

          For the duration of the flight (or better still have another aircraft altogether) appropriate staff would attend and the parents could remain anxious AND SILENT upstairs.

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          • #6
            Re: Brethren, we need to talk about older women

            Originally posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
            Babies should travel in a separate compartment, like a crèche in the hold for example. It could be done out as a rumpus room. It would be soundproof. In any event, the main cause of infants crying is the anxiety of the parents – as is abundantly clear in hospitals. Most of the time they're fine but as soon as a parent turns up, anxiety is communicated (probably by scent) and the child becomes anxious too.

            For the duration of the flight (or better still have another aircraft altogether) appropriate staff would attend and the parents could remain anxious AND SILENT upstairs.
            I understand that people receive baby chicks via the USPS all the time.

            With effectively absorbent packing material and some sort of drip irrigation set up, shipping the little ones in comfy, fitted crates might be the better option.
            His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

            Guns For God and the Economy

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            • #7
              Re: Brethren, we need to talk about older women

              Originally posted by handmaiden View Post
              ...comfy, fitted crates might be the better option.
              Now you have me envisioning the future of commercial air travel.


              It involves sedation, coffins, and stacking.


              And 3x the passenger-miles per flight, so it _will_ happen.

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              • #8
                Re: Brethren, we need to talk about older women

                Originally posted by Didymus Much View Post
                Now you have me envisioning the future of commercial air travel.


                It involves sedation, coffins, and stacking.


                And 3x the passenger-miles per flight, so it _will_ happen.
                Don't many people already sedate themselves during airplane trips? The Lord has not seen fit to provide me with the opportunity for travel. But if I were to take a plane ride, I would bring my Bible for comfort, not ingest drugs or alcohol.
                His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

                Guns For God and the Economy

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                • #9
                  Re: Brethren, we need to talk about older women

                  Originally posted by handmaiden View Post
                  With effectively absorbent packing material and some sort of drip irrigation set up, shipping the little ones in comfy, fitted crates might be the better option.
                  I don't think I'd want to take the risk of loss with a boy child. They're too hard to replace.

                  Shipping should be fine for the less valuable girls, though I'd recommend insuring them for $1,000 or so to reflect the bride price upon marriage that you'll lose if your little girl is lost or damaged in transit.
                  The Christian Right: The Only Right Way to Be a Christian!

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                  • #10
                    Re: Brethren, we need to talk about older women

                    I don't have much to say about meeting older women. My wife was young when I met her.

                    I'll always remember the day. She was sunbathing, and had fallen asleep. She looked like a corpse. Love at first sight.

                    I'm still in love with her, just not when she's awake.
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                    • #11
                      Re: Brethren, we need to talk about MILFs.

                      Originally posted by WWJDnow View Post
                      I was told that MILF stood for Messiah I'd Love to Follow. That's why I have a bumper sticker that reads Jesus is my MILF. Am I missing something here?
                      I think it should be Jesus is the MILF.

                      Otherwise someone might think The Báb (who thinks up these ridiculous names?) was a possibility, you know, to be their Messiah.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Trent Harvey, Jr. View Post
                        We need to talk about M.I.L.F.s.

                        Standing for Marry Into a Loving Family, M.I.L.F.s are women old enough to be one's own mother.
                        Well dear, I'm not quite old enough to be my own mother, but I have married into a loving family. So I guess that makes me a Proud M.I.L.F!

                        Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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