Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

[Virginia Day Templeton]

ATTENTION: There will be a special prayer vigil on the Church's main front lawn starting at 10:00 tonight. We will all be praying that the six trapped Utah miners die in insufferable agony with their friends and families looking helplessly on, while God laughs and mocks their torment.

There is no doubt that these miners are facing God's wrath. For one, they are in Utah, home of the wicked and vile Mor(m)on cult. Jesus is tired of watching these lunatics parade around in their demonically-possessed underwear, knocking on the doors of True Christians™ and distracting them from prayers, football games, and corporal punishment. The mining profession is also a hotbed of homosexual activity—when you put a bunch of burly studs in a dark cave and deprive them of any contact with their wives or pastors, buggery is all but inevitable. And everyone knows that most miners belong to a commie labor union, scheming to plunder the hard-inherited dollars of their kindly corporate masters. Jesus hates that.

I hope to see all of you at this very special event.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

ATTENTION: There will be a special prayer vigil on the Church's main front lawn starting at 10:00 tonight. We will all be praying that the six trapped Utah miners die in insufferable agony with their friends and families looking helplessly on, while God laughs and mocks their torment.

There is no doubt that these miners are facing God's wrath. For one, they are in Utah, home of the wicked and vile Mor(m)on cult. Jesus is tired of watching these lunatics parade around in their demonically-possessed underwear, knocking on the doors of True Christians™ and distracting them from prayers, football games, and corporal punishment. The mining profession is also a hotbed of homosexual activity—when you put a bunch of burly studs in a dark cave and deprive them of any contact with their wives or pastors, buggery is all but inevitable. And everyone knows that most miners belong to a commie labor union, scheming to plunder the hard-inherited dollars of their kindly corporate masters. Jesus hates that.

I hope to see all of you at this very special event.

I am not sure your sentiments are appropriate for the occasion. Clearly, men who intentionally dig thousands of feet underground through coal, which are merely the petrified remains of souls who have gone to HELL (why else would something from underground burn?) deserve it when they burrow into one of SATAN's CAVERNS.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

I am not sure your sentiments are appropriate for the occasion. Clearly, men who intentionally dig thousands of feet underground through coal, which are merely the petrified remains of souls who have gone to HELL (why else would something from underground burn?) deserve it when they burrow into one of SATAN's CAVERNS.

True enough Pastor Pistle. And I've always been a big supporter of burning coal. Better coal than that communist wind power.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

Are we sure these mincing Mormon miners are even trapped? From what I know of miners, it seems more likely they've gone Red and set up a picket line, 1,500 feet underground. Does Thatcher still have that hotline to the White House? She'd know what to do - send in the riot police!

[Bobby-Joe]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

I think it is another sign of Jesus' eternal love for His Christians that He sends worthless scum like Mormons into dangerous places like mines to die slow, horrible deaths getting us cheep energy. Think of all the anguish and heartache good Christians have been spared and give thanks to Christ!

[Brother Guy Bayard]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

as a miner myself I believe I can speak with some understanding of the subject.
If they were True Christians I would pray for their immediate earthly salvation. As they are unsaved however I will merely pray for their spiritual salvation.

[H. Montague Worthington]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

As an entrepreneur, I feel bad for Mr. Robert Murray, whose fine name and sterling reputation is being dragged through the mud by greedy miners' families, the liberal media, environmental wackos, crooked union bosses, mine safety sissies, and global warming nuts.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

As an entrepreneur, I feel bad for Mr. Robert Murray, whose fine name and sterling reputation is being dragged through the mud by greedy miners' families, the liberal media, environmental wackos, crooked union bosses, mine safety sissies, and global warming nuts.

Brother, your Christian compassion never ceases to amaze me. PRAISE!

[Wash O'Hanley]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

I can't help but feel bad for the thousands of dollars worth of machinery that was surely trapped in those caverns. Hopefully rescue efforts will be fruitful in digging them up.

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

When I read the thread title, I thought it said "Prayer vigil tonight for trapped minors", and I thought to myself, what have those Catlicker priests done this time? I said a quick prayer that those poor kids would be free from the semen-stained hands of those dress wearing homers.

I then opened the thread and found that Jesus answered my prayer retroactively, and even replaced this whole thread with one about trapped miners. Praise the sweet name of the almighty God!

Pastor Billy-Reuben

[Father Thomas Martin]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

Let us pray. Lord, watch over and protect the trapped miners. Send Your Holy Spirit to grant them serenity and peace, and the assurance that they are under Your care. We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ Your Son, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever, Amen.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

Let us pray. Lord, watch over and protect the trapped miners. Send Your Holy Spirit to grant them serenity and peace, and the assurance that they are under Your care. We ask this through our Lord Jesus Christ Your Son, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God forever and ever, Amen.

Let us pray. Almighty God, we beseech You to sustain them with Your Holy presence, to release them from suffering, and deliver them from their distress. In Jesus' Name we ask, Amen.

[Brother Temperance]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

Matthew 6:5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

The next time I visit my prayer closet, I shall pray that the vain utterances of this pair of hypocrites have not enraged Jesus to the point where He finds it necessary to inflict even more suffering upon these red Mormon union monkeys as a punishment.

[H. Montague Worthington]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

3 rescue workers killed at Utah mine

HUNTINGTON, Utah - The search for six miners missing deep underground was abruptly halted after a second cave-in killed three rescue workers and injured at least six others who were trying to tunnel through rubble to reach them.

So now it turns out that three more are dead. Perhaps the only way to stop these causalties to the send a surge of rescuers to pacify and hold the mine.

[Sister Noddy]

Re: Prayer vigil tonight for trapped miners

Matthew 6:5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

The next time I visit my prayer closet, I shall pray that the vain utterances of this pair of hypocrites have not enraged Jesus to the point where He finds it necessary to inflict even more suffering upon these red Mormon union monkeys as a punishment.

Gosh, I didn't make the Utah connection with the Mormons! ... hmmm ... those miners are mor(m)ons, you think? ...