May Day 2010: A Cry To God For A Nation In Distress

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: May Day 2010: A Cry To God For A Nation In Distress

Lord,

We humble ourselves by praying for you to help us to repent from Dakota Fanning's wicked ways, and to repent especially from her salacious, come-hither smile:

Lord, we plead and beg you, we wear sackcloths, and do whatever we're meant to do with ashes, we gnash our teeth and wail to you, please forgive us for Dakota Fanning's tenticle-pornography in War Of The Worlds!

Lord, we repent for her slutishly trying to seduce us with her "I'm so terrified" routine. We humbly and meekly beg you, please don't give us the brutal punishment we deserve for Dakota Fanning polluting our loins with her seductive crying!

Jesus, Oh Jesus, we cry out for your mercy from the eternal torture we deserve for Elvis Prestly's beastiality-promoting "hound dog".

Jesus, Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus, we meekly beseech you not to give Los Angeles the earthquake it deserves, the way your flawless judgement gave people in New Orleans and the World Trade Center the punishment they deserved.

We scourge ourselves, in the most public way possible, as you commanded in Matthew 6:5-6

And also Lord, we thank you for blessing us with the humbleness and meekness that makes it possible for us to say all the above,

Amen.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Praise Jesus for the success of yesterday’s event at the Lincoln Memorial: May Day 2010: A Cry To God For A Nation In Distress cost only $70,000 to put together and was lined with evangelical stars – from Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council to Pete LaBarbera of Americans For Truth About Homosexuality to former Presidential candidate and honorary white man Alan Keyes. The purpose of the event? To reach the heart of God and repent of America’s wicked ways, by shaming America's wicked homos and seculars.

The event was promoted by James Dobson himself of Focus on the Family:

Our nation faces what is perhaps the most serious moral crisis since the Civil War as we've turned our backs on God and have clearly displeased him. May Day 2010 is a time to come together and proclaim what God has done in the past, to pray for forgiveness and to plead for God's mercy on all of us.

The effort was so successful that 300 people showed up. That's only a bit more than $230 each! Friends, it has never been more affordable for you to give God the money He so desperately needs. Only $230 is enough to put a tea partier at a republican rally! For a mere $2,300 you can have a rally of ten, or overflow the sidewalks with 100 ralliers for a donation of a mere $23,000!

Imagine how liberal false-churches would have spent that $70,000. Feeding the hungry, who would just get hungry again, clothing the naked, which would just make them sweatier and smellier, sheltering the homeless, which was to blame for the mortgage meltdown. Don't lose your money to those greedy wastrels! Money is best spent on this:

Join with Christian leaders of all denominations who love God to humble ourselves, pray, seek the face of God, and turn from our wicked ways—individually and as a nation.
This event is not to impress the media or those in Washington, but to reach the heart of God. Publicly repenting and crying out to God for His mercy instead of the judgment our many sins deserve. Repentance in personal and corporate prayer to God and remembrance of His work throughout our nation's history will be major parts of the day as we seek God to do a great work of revival or reformation in our time. The tentative plan is to begin the day with an hour of worship and praise.

Now THAT is what I call repentance! Now let's see those homos and divorcees and seculars and, worst of all, Dakota Fanning with sackcloth and ashes, scourging themselves, with gnashing of teeth and rending of clothing and they repent their sins! But of course, they don't, because they're so full of themselves, with their gay parades and their arrogant "I don't need the threat of hellfire to behave decently".