God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

[John Creeser]

Friends,

I am sitting here in agony, partly due to God smiting me with hemorrhoids and the other trying to figure out what I did to anger the Lord (because I clearly did). The scriptures are clear:

Deuteronomy 28:15 But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the Lord thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee:

Deuteronomy 28:22 The Lord shall smite thee with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish.

Deuteronomy 28:27 The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.



What Lord, what O'Lord have I done to be smitten with such a cursed affliction? Did I wear mixed fabrics (Deuteronomy 22:11)? Did I accidentally eat shellfish (Leviticus 11:9-12)? Did I not tithe enough to the church?

Abigail is on the way with a 24 pack of Costco toilet paper to be blessed by Pastor Ezekiel. My next door neighbour suggested something called "Preperation H" but it has a suppository you have to stick "you know where" and there is no way in HELL that is happening (which now leads me to believe my next door neighbor is a damned queer).

Please pray for me Brothers. Every time I have a movement my screams rival that of the Archangel Michael blowing his trumpet!!

[Titus Templeton]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Friends,

I am sitting here in agony, partly due to God smiting me with hemorrhoids and the other trying to figure out what I did to anger the Lord (because I clearly did). The scriptures are clear:

Deuteronomy 28:15 But it shall come to pass, if thou wilt not hearken unto the voice of the Lord thy God, to observe to do all his commandments and his statutes which I command thee this day; that all these curses shall come upon thee, and overtake thee:

Deuteronomy 28:22 The Lord shall smite thee with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish.

Deuteronomy 28:27 The Lord will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.



What Lord, what O'Lord have I done to be smitten with such a cursed affliction? Did I wear mixed fabrics (Deuteronomy 22:11)? Did I accidentally eat shellfish (Leviticus 11:9-12)? Did I not tithe enough to the church?

Abigail is on the way with a 24 pack of Costco toilet paper to be blessed by Pastor Ezekiel. My next door neighbour suggested something called "Preperation H" but it has a suppository you have to stick "you know where" and there is no way in HELL that is happening (which now leads me to believe my next door neighbor is a damned queer).

Please pray for me Brothers. Every time I have a movement my screams rival that of the Archangel Michael blowing his trumpet!!

Brother Creeser,

I would never say anything bad about one of my Brothers but there are rumours that your last tithing wasn't that great. Of course I think this is just "talking" because no one of us would ever steal money that belongs to Pastor Ezekiel.

I will do extra prayers for my Brother now and hope that everything will go as it should be.

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Are you sure you weren't raped in your sleep by an Obama voter? If you make sure your doors and windows are properly closed it won't happen again and the pain will go away in a little while.

[John Creeser]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Are you sure you weren't raped in your sleep by an Obama voter? If you make sure your doors and windows are properly closed it won't happen again and the pain will go away in a little while.

I was wondering why the next door neighbor was trying to get me to use the Preparation "rape".

[WWJDnow]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Have you considered presenting some golden hemorrhoids to the church? That worked for the Philistines when God gave them hemorrhoids to punish them for stealing the Ark of the Covenant. 1 Samuel 6:17

[Brother Larry]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

I was wondering why the next door neighbor was trying to get me to use the Preparation "rape".

Although I am not there to lay hands on you, pray with me now:

Dear Sweet Kind Loving Lord JESUS, I pray that you will reach your holy hands down from the right side of the FATHER and touch the anus of my dear brother John right now. Let your lightning bolts of healing virtue enter his righteous rectum, instantaneously removing these piles of perdition with only minimal bleeding and discomfort since he is a Child of the King. LORD, you were bruised for our iniquities, and by your stripes we are HEALED. I claim this promise for the tender tissues of Brother John's nether regions at this moment. AMEN and AMEN

John, go now and check your blessed behind. I have complete faith that you are no longer suffering because JESUS doesn't lie and stuff.

Brother Larry

[Levi Jones]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Amen! Lord, we lift up Brother Creeser's rectum into your hands.
The elders will be over tomorrow to anoint it in oil.

James 5:14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

The elders will be over tomorrow to anoint it in oil.

Unfortunately I will be out of town when that happens, but I am certain it will help!

On to more important matters, does anyone know who I lend my axe? I forgot and my neighbor Mrs. Johnson seems to have bought a new dog so I need my axe to cut it out of the bear trap.

[Lordmaybemysaviour]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Hemorrhoids the best fun you can have without sinning

[dudemon223]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

my last one didn't go, but i'll be praying for you, prayer always works

[Sister Saffie]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

As a woman who has had six children and is expecting #7 hemorrhoids have been an unpleasant part of my walk with the Lord. I accept them as the curse of Eve and my punishment for being female. While you're praying yours away you can get one of those little donut pillows to sit on. They work great and they're machine washable.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

As a woman who has had six children and is expecting #7 hemorrhoids have been an unpleasant part of my walk with the Lord. I accept them as the curse of Eve and my punishment for being female. While you're praying yours away you can get one of those little donut pillows to sit on. They work great and they're machine washable.

Such kind words

Proof that sometimes women can be thoughtful.

God bless

[John Creeser]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

As a woman who has had six children and is expecting #7 hemorrhoids have been an unpleasant part of my walk with the Lord. I accept them as the curse of Eve and my punishment for being female. While you're praying yours away you can get one of those little donut pillows to sit on. They work great and they're machine washable.

Thank you sister, this is good advice (coming from a woman).

So upon further reflection I am starting to think the recent surge in witches is the reason for this gargantuan hemorrhoid.

Which one of you witches put this hex on me? CONFESS!!

[A Follower]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Brother Creeser, I can not imagine a greater tragedy to strike our town, my thoughts and prayers are with your ass, and will be for a long time to come. May God decide to lift His curse from you soon.

P.s. Although I have no reason to suspect my wife or my girl children of being witches I did put them to the question (one can never be too sure), but even under severe duress they deny bewitching you. I do hope the perpetrator confesses her guilt soon.

[Godfly]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Don't forget to thank God for his blessings of hemorrhoids. Obviously he wants you to have them. Maybe it's to save you from turning queer.