[Didymus Much]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Yes, sure, someone with a crowbar or a glass cutter will be stopped by a window.

That's why Jesus invented Glock 45s.

[krunsch]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Are you sure you weren't raped in your sleep by an Obama voter? If you make sure your doors and windows are properly closed it won't happen again and the pain will go away in a little while.

Yes, sure, someone with a crowbar or a glass cutter will be stopped by a window.

[Brother Larry]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

If your ass is still on fire you must not have realized I prayed for you earlier and others prayed in agreement.

Jesus is probably scratching His Head right now at you.

[Godfly]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Don't forget to thank God for his blessings of hemorrhoids. Obviously he wants you to have them. Maybe it's to save you from turning queer.

[A Follower]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Brother Creeser, I can not imagine a greater tragedy to strike our town, my thoughts and prayers are with your ass, and will be for a long time to come. May God decide to lift His curse from you soon.

P.s. Although I have no reason to suspect my wife or my girl children of being witches I did put them to the question (one can never be too sure), but even under severe duress they deny bewitching you. I do hope the perpetrator confesses her guilt soon.

[John Creeser]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

As a woman who has had six children and is expecting #7 hemorrhoids have been an unpleasant part of my walk with the Lord. I accept them as the curse of Eve and my punishment for being female. While you're praying yours away you can get one of those little donut pillows to sit on. They work great and they're machine washable.

Thank you sister, this is good advice (coming from a woman).

So upon further reflection I am starting to think the recent surge in witches is the reason for this gargantuan hemorrhoid.

Which one of you witches put this hex on me? CONFESS!!

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

As a woman who has had six children and is expecting #7 hemorrhoids have been an unpleasant part of my walk with the Lord. I accept them as the curse of Eve and my punishment for being female. While you're praying yours away you can get one of those little donut pillows to sit on. They work great and they're machine washable.

Such kind words

Proof that sometimes women can be thoughtful.

God bless

[Sister Saffie]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

As a woman who has had six children and is expecting #7 hemorrhoids have been an unpleasant part of my walk with the Lord. I accept them as the curse of Eve and my punishment for being female. While you're praying yours away you can get one of those little donut pillows to sit on. They work great and they're machine washable.

[dudemon223]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

my last one didn't go, but i'll be praying for you, prayer always works

[Lordmaybemysaviour]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Hemorrhoids the best fun you can have without sinning

[Cranky Old Man]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

The elders will be over tomorrow to anoint it in oil.

Unfortunately I will be out of town when that happens, but I am certain it will help!

On to more important matters, does anyone know who I lend my axe? I forgot and my neighbor Mrs. Johnson seems to have bought a new dog so I need my axe to cut it out of the bear trap.

[Levi Jones]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Amen! Lord, we lift up Brother Creeser's rectum into your hands.
The elders will be over tomorrow to anoint it in oil.

James 5:14 Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:

[Brother Larry]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

I was wondering why the next door neighbor was trying to get me to use the Preparation "rape".

Although I am not there to lay hands on you, pray with me now:

Dear Sweet Kind Loving Lord JESUS, I pray that you will reach your holy hands down from the right side of the FATHER and touch the anus of my dear brother John right now. Let your lightning bolts of healing virtue enter his righteous rectum, instantaneously removing these piles of perdition with only minimal bleeding and discomfort since he is a Child of the King. LORD, you were bruised for our iniquities, and by your stripes we are HEALED. I claim this promise for the tender tissues of Brother John's nether regions at this moment. AMEN and AMEN

John, go now and check your blessed behind. I have complete faith that you are no longer suffering because JESUS doesn't lie and stuff.

Brother Larry

[WWJDnow]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Have you considered presenting some golden hemorrhoids to the church? That worked for the Philistines when God gave them hemorrhoids to punish them for stealing the Ark of the Covenant. 1 Samuel 6:17

[John Creeser]

Re: God gave me hemorrhoids - please pray for me

Are you sure you weren't raped in your sleep by an Obama voter? If you make sure your doors and windows are properly closed it won't happen again and the pain will go away in a little while.

I was wondering why the next door neighbor was trying to get me to use the Preparation "rape".