Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,

As some of you may be aware, Mr. McIrish has six children who are already in peril of going straight to Hell due to their unnatural conception.

To make matters worse, several of these kids also have mouth disorders and cannot pronounce their Rs or THs correctly; for example, the phrase "really thirsty for Christ" comes out sounding Elmer-Fuddishly like "weally fiwsty fow Chwist." Just terrible!

I am fairly certain that retarded speech offends God, as Mark 7:32-37 speaks about how Jesus cured such afflictions. If it offends God, then it offends me; therefore, I humbly beseech our LORD that my dear husband's abominations children will be miraculously cured of their lazy, dimwitted tongues.

Amen!!
Mrs. Paddy McIrish

[Naomi Ruth Lamb]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

Glorious Lord, whose spittle opened the eyes of the blind according to the 8th chapter of Mark (who bears the same name as our own kind, sweet, handsome Dr. Snyde, Jesus be praised), may you spit on these demonic children as we pray and agree together. May your spittle be not only an eye opening issue of saliva, but may it remove their sins and cause them to once again be lovable in Thy sight. We claim Your promises, Lord, that if we but ask, You will provide the answer that is best for us. Thanking Thee once again for Thy sacrifice, we ask these favors through Your Name. Amen.

[Thomas Taylor]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

Mrs. McIrish, it is painfully obvious that these brats have not been properly trained up as per God's Law:

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it

If they were mine they would have had the laziness beaten out of them a long time ago.

I would say your husband lacks the moral fibre, and belief in God, to do what's right, so I would suggest that you drop them in to one of the Pastors' here at Landover so that they can be properly infused with the True Love of Jesus.

[Mark L. Snyde, PhD]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

I will pray fervently that Jesus digs real deep and hocks a Holy loogie of Biblical proportions onto your husband's children to cure them of all that ails them.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

I wonder what would happen if Jesus urinated in their mouths. Would this be even more effective?

[Mark L. Snyde, PhD]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

I wonder what would happen if Jesus urinated in their mouths. Would this be even more effective?

That's a wonderful question Brother Billy Bob and I feel it merits further investigation.

Here we have Jesus demonstrating the healing power of his spit:

Mark 7:33 (1611 King James Bible)

And he tooke him aside from the multitude, and put his fingers into his eares, and he spit, and touched his tongue,

Let's now turn our attention to the following verse:

2 Kings 18:27 (1611 King James Bible)

But Rabshakeh sayd vnto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speake these wordes? hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eate their owne doung, and drinke their owne pisse with you?

Now, if the consumption of human urine and feces can be beneficial when so directed by God, imagine what kind of healing properties the excrement of Christ must have! GLORY!

So, I think those children should be instructed to open wide and receive the healing scatological gift of Jesus!

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

Now, if the consumption of human urine and feces can be beneficial when so directed by God, imagine what kind of healing properties the excrement of Christ must have! GLORY!

So, I think those children should be instructed to open wide and receive the healing scatological gift of Jesus!

It is also worth noting, brother, that the Book of John tells us the piss of a Bible believing Christian is alive. How much moreso the piss of Christ Himself must be!

John 7:38

King James Version (KJV)

38 He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.

I cannot wait to get to Heaven and sup the vivacious piss from Christ's limp but manly tallywacker! Heaven is going to be even better than I had previously imagined!

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits and/or urinates on my husband's children.

As usual, I am in awe ... not only of your kind prayers, but also of the Word of God, which leaves nothing to the imagination!

From now on, whenever it rains, I think it might be a cute thing to tell the children that is emptying His Holy Bladder on our troubled world, and on them specifically to cure them of their muckle-mouthedness.

This metaphor will help teach them Scripture, while being simple enough that their feeble little minds might actually grasp the Truth.

I may even instruct them to stand outside in the rain for hours at a time, with their heads tilted back and mouths agape, to ensure that Christ's Sacred Evacuation thoroughly saturates them, inside and out.

If afterwards they aren't properly grateful or chastised, or in the event that they are so beyond redemption that even the perceived Blessed Piddle cannot reach their heathen hearts, perhaps one of the Landover Pastors could personally perform a spraying of pee (similar to a laying of hands)?

[Johny Joe Hold]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

I'm not a theologian, but I've come to believe people, including children, who fake the inability to speak properly are doing the bidding of Satan. It allows blasphemy that is undetected by others.

For example, a child could say, "I luv waa can" and parents think he is saying "bacon". Instead, the child is actually saying "Satan" and escaping the wrath of his parents and their pastor.

[Billy Bob Jenkins]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

I'm not a theologian, but I've come to believe people, including children, who fake the inability to speak properly are doing the bidding of Satan. It allows blasphemy that is undetected by others.

For example, a child could say, "I luv waa can" and parents think he is saying "bacon". Instead, the child is actually saying "Satan" and escaping the wrath of his parents and their pastor.

Amen, brother. How is this any different from the horrors that Led Zeppelin committed on vinyl during the 1970s? If anyone needs to draw long and hard on Christ's urinary tract, it is Led Zeppelin.

[Mistress Cookie]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits and/or urinates on my husband's children.

I may even instruct them to stand outside in the rain for hours at a time, with their heads tilted back and mouths agape, to ensure that Christ's Sacred Evacuation thoroughly saturates them, inside and out.

Good, strong exercise is what mollycoddled little devil welps need.

Strap weights on them, put rocks in their backpacks, and lock them out of the house to jog around its exterior for most of the day.

They're not going to toughen up on their own. Though perhaps you could alternatively get them factory work that would be similarly sobering. And their paychecks could go toward their room and board...inspiring in them an early sense of responsibility.

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits and/or urinates on my husband's children.

They're not going to toughen up on their own. Though perhaps you could alternatively get them factory work that would be similarly sobering. And their paychecks could go toward their room and board...]

What a wonderful suggestion, Mistress Cookie!

Obtaining employment for these entitled brats in a sweatshop somewhere would teach them appreciation for all the "extras" they receive when they're with Mr. McIrish and me (beds, shoes, tasteless gruel for all meals - we truly spoil them) while simultaneously geting rid of them until it's time for them to go back to their mother's house giving them the opportunity to reimburse us for the extraneous expenses they impose upon us.

I will make the suggestion to Mr. McIrish this very evening.

[Constantine1648]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

Although the thought of Jesus's urine is appealing as way of curing your brats, I do feel that it would be an utter waste of his moisture which could be used for more important and deserving Christians.

I think what your children need is a good thrashing. If they are thrashed everyday then they will soon lose any speech impediment that they might have inflicted on themselves.

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

[Mrs. Paddy McIrish]

Re: Please pray that Jesus spits on my husband's children.

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

I believe you are referring to Proverbs 23:13-14, which actually reads: "Withhold not correction from the child: For if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, And shalt deliver his soul from hell."

We only use the King James Bible version 1611 here, dear - the True Word of God!