How WE KILLED FLAPPY BIRD!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: How WE KILLED FLAPPY BIRD!

We're all just dust floating in the universe.

She wanted to know if video game designers are on LSD. Nobody cares what you're on.

[Demonic Scottish Whore]

Re: How WE KILLED FLAPPY BIRD!

How can a snake talk to humans and tell them to eat an apple and suddenly everything hits the fan? Games aren't logical. Nothing is really logical. We're all just dust floating in the universe.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: How WE KILLED FLAPPY BIRD!

Why would a bird dodge PIPES? I mean, why not something that actually makes sense, like wind turbines, or skyscrapers, or airplanes?

None of those technologies are well-known in vietnam. It's a very backward place. Even their pipes are bamboo, that's why the pipes in Flappy Bird are green.

Or cats?

They ate them all long ago.

Are video game designers all on LSD?

Again, they're too backward for that level of technology. They do lick toads though.

Vietnam is pathetic, they're like China's Mexico. Why are they so poor? It's not like anybody has been holding them back.

[Sally Paulson]

Re: How WE KILLED FLAPPY BIRD!

Why would a bird dodge PIPES? I mean, why not something that actually makes sense, like wind turbines, or skyscrapers, or airplanes? Or cats?

Are video game designers all on LSD?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Re: How WE KILLED FLAPPY BIRD!

Kids, kids….I know you're impatient to hear the whole story.

No, we didn't "hack" anything. We - or rather the awesome power the GOD ALMIGHTY - influenced Dong to repent of his wicked ways. Getting an undisclosed K Street lobby firm to astroturf the internet comment campaign was only the tip of the iceberg. We got some copywrite lawyers on the case, but that's still only part. The full story of how we did it is inspirational but also involves top-secret Prayer Warrior information, and I don't know how much they are authorized to disclose.

Aren't there bigger things to worry about than a game on your phone!?

No.

[Demonic Scottish Whore]

Re: How WE KILLED FLAPPY BIRD!

Are you serious...flappy bird is a game. A low quality...pixilated game where you make a bird go through pipes....how is that anything to do with crystal meth? Seriously, addictive games aren't real. You can't get addicted to a game, you just don't. I have the game and when I fail on it I just laugh and carry on...because it's a game! Aren't there bigger things to worry about than a game on your phone!?

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Operation Flappy Bird: a decisive victory for our Prayer Warriors!

It all began when our recovering pornography addicts stopped rebounding to crystal meth. No, their new addiction of choice was an online game called "Flappy Bird".

One of our more severe cases, I'll call him "Joe", has identified what species "Flappy Bird" is:



It's Panurus biarmicus, also know as the "bearded tit". (Joe's got a good eye, but I don't know if he's an expert birdwatcher, or just an expert on tits)

Anyway, do you see what flappy bird has done? FLAPPY BIRD IS A TIT SIMULATOR! When your children play Flappy Bird, YOUR CHILDREN ARE PLAYING WITH TITS!

The Vietnam Connection

When I found out Flappy bird's creator is a guy name "Dong", I thought that was just an dirty online internet username. But it turns out that Flappy Bird is the second video game to have a Vietnam creator. (The first one was a Call Of Duty mod called four random numbers that nobody can remember. A game so bad that even though it was about shooting French people, it still wasn't much fun. How can you manage to screw THAT up?)

Having seen the devastating effects of Japan's virtual pearl harbor, we have decided that Vietnam's fledgling video game industry must be nipped in it's mediocre, absurdly derivative bud.

Sure, today they're copying pipes, but tomorrow they might figure out how to draw pipes by themselves. Vietnam is approaching escape velocity, people.

Thing got so out of hand they were proposing updating the Vietnamese flag:



Flappy Bird is now crunchy drumsticks

Oh ye of little faith - who claimed that the money donated to our prayer warriors was being wasted. From OCD nitpickers who demanded more detailed accounting, to paranoids who said the donations were being pocketed. See how the wonder working power of the LORD has humbled you.

How we put Flappy Bird back in its cage

I promise, I WILL get to this - but our prayer warriors, missionaries, lobbyists, copywrite lawyers, internet/online astroturf campaign experts, and activist investors need to keep their secrecy. Since I was only a small player in this operation, I will allow the real players to reply and disclose how we killed Flappy Bird, and stamped out the entire tit simulation genre in it's cradle (training bra?)

Come on on heroes, don't be so modest! If you're online, tell us about it!