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  • ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

    It seems to have become general knowledge among the unsaved wretches of the world that they have been targeted by God, that the Corona Plague is on the way and that they will shortly be having that final interview with Jesus. They are all going to die and they seem to sense it even if it hasn't entirely sunk in yet.


    All over the world, in every country, among every race, the toilet paper is all bought up by sinners who are frantically trying to wipe away the sinful residue of their godless existence. After a lifetime in darkness they want to adopt a facade of cleanliness and uprightness. It won't work. And worse, there is no toilet paper for the righteous.


    The Great Toilet Paper hoax is only false hope. There is One Way: Jesus. Only through the love and compassion of Jesus Christ may these sinners be saved. There is still time, but it is a narrow window to get on that narrow path. Those currently unsaved and marked by the Lord for retribution will still all die, but they will be spared the searing fires and punishments of Hell if they have come to Jesus.


    Let the unwashed and unsaved abandon their toilet paper fixation before it is too late and find eternal salvation with Jesus.
    God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11

  • #2
    Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

    I suggest that instead of trying to fight this, we work with it.

    Remember "Convert to Jesus and get a free* Playstation" ? Same thing. With T.P.

    In case demand outstrips our supply, we should be careful never to say if the promised toilet paper will be fresh or not.
    Last edited by Jeb Stuart Thurmond; 03-15-2020, 03:07 AM.
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    • #3
      Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

      In Genesis 22:14 God tells us the Lord will provide. That should be read to all the hoarders.
      Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.

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      • #4
        Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

        Originally posted by Jeb Stuart Thurmond View Post
        I suggest that instead of trying to fight this, we work with it.

        Try this slogan on for size: "Convert to Jesus and get a free* Playstation" ? Same thing. With T.P.

        In case demand outstrips our supply, we should be careful never to say if the promised toilet paper will be fresh or not.

        That is an idea worth trying. Sincere converts could get a roll for every member of their family. Soon, there will be toilet paper again because once President Trump gets wind of it, he will demand action. We could send the rolls as soon as we can get some and, in the meantime, the new tithes will more than pay for the rolls when we get them. It's a win-win-win. You don't see that very often.
        God judgeth the righteous, And God is angry with the wicked every day- Psalm 7:11

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        • #5
          Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

          Originally posted by Alvin Moss View Post
          Soon, there will be toilet paper again because once President Trump gets wind of it, he will demand action.
          Best of all, he'll make Mexico pay for it.
          Disagree? By failing to register and debate me, you prove that liberals are factless frauds who only persuade through intimidation. To prove otherwise, debate me!
          Got Questions? See Frequently Asked Questions, or use Forum Search, tag system, or our guides on Geography, History, Science, Comparative Religion, Civics, and Current Events.
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          • #6
            Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

            Originally posted by Alvin Moss View Post
            All over the world, in every country, among every race, the toilet paper is all bought up by sinners who are frantically trying to wipe away the sinful residue of their godless existence.
            There was a time when everyone was following another hoax, trying to accumulate as much sinful residue as possible. They would help one another apparently, smelling necks and stuff, but never reading The Bible.

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            • #7
              Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

              In spite of suffering the Corona, I did not buy into this toilet paper nonsense, in fact I don't buy the stuff. For keeping my bum clean, I just use a washcloth and rinse it off after with soap and water. Simple. Never have bought TP again, never will.

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              • #8
                Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

                Originally posted by Alvin Moss View Post
                All over the world, in every country, among every race, the toilet paper is all bought up by sinners who are frantically trying to wipe away the sinful residue of their godless existence. After a lifetime in darkness they want to adopt a facade of cleanliness and uprightness. It won't work. And worse, there is no toilet paper for the righteous.
                Amen, Brother! Verily, the End Days are upon us, as shown by the devastating extent of the Great Toilet Paper Shortage.

                Originally posted by upchucker67 View Post
                In spite of suffering the Corona, I did not buy into this toilet paper nonsense, in fact I don't buy the stuff. For keeping my bum clean, I just use a washcloth and rinse it off after with soap and water. Simple. Never have bought TP again, never will.
                I am very thankful to Jesus for making you one of the unsaved and thus ensuring that our paths will never cross. Truly, is Merciful!
                God created fossils to test our faith.

                * * *

                My favorite LBC sermons:
                True Christians are Perfect!
                True Christian™ Love.
                Salvation™ made Easy!
                You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
                Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
                Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
                Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
                Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
                The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
                Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
                God HATES Rational Thinking!
                True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.

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                • #9
                  Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

                  I am proud that I have never used toilet paper in my entire life. The Bible never mentions it so clearly Jesus didn't use it and neither will I.

                  The, unrelated, severe pain in my behind when I use the toilet is no doubt a sign from God that suffering is the path to Heaven.

                  Psalm 119:50
                  This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.
                  5 Reasons why GOD HATES WOMEN!
                  To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
                  James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."

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                  • #10
                    Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

                    Originally posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
                    I am proud that I have never used toilet paper in my entire life. The Bible never mentions it so clearly Jesus didn't use it and neither will .

                    Psalm 119:50
                    This is my comfort in my affliction: for thy word hath quickened me.
                    Thank you!

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                    • #11
                      Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

                      Originally posted by upchucker67 View Post
                      In spite of suffering the Corona, I did not buy into this toilet paper nonsense, in fact I don't buy the stuff. For keeping my bum clean, I just use a washcloth and rinse it off after with soap and water. Simple. Never have bought TP again, never will.
                      Dear above! You know, Mr. Hucker, it is of no wonder to any as to why you suffer from boils on your rear end! You had better "clean up your act" if you hope for a chance of an eternal home in Heaven!

                      Isaiah 1:16 "Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil"
                      (Mrs.) Isabella White

                      Hebrews 10:19 "Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the Blood of Jesus"

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                      • #12
                        Re: ATTENTION HEATHENS: A well wiped butt will not get you into Heaven

                        Where's my TP award? I'm the OG poster for resistance in this matter!

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