Greetings brothers and sisters!

[Shela Tansper]

Re: Greetings brothers and sisters!

I'm wondering if i am going to have to get my ducking stool out here for a confession

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Re: Greetings brothers and sisters!

I regularly preach in my basement to my 23 followers in what I call The Church Lit From Above. We are currently trying to receive acceptance in Obama's eyes, and simply want to be rewarded tax-free status to buy new light fixtures. I think the candles are starting to mess with Brother Dan's eyes. I am hoping someone out there can help me with some information on speeding the process up.

Wait...you hold your rituals in a basement...surrounded by candles...trying to appease Obama...

Sounds like Satanist witchcraft to me.

My favorite bible verse is "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:1-2)

And the sad part is you don't even know what Jesus is talking about. Oh wait, let me guess...."We Christians shouldn't judge others..."

WRONG.

By the way, I let other people rip into you for not using the KJV, so I won't do that.

I didn't find God, he found me. I was on a camping trip and I somehow stumbled into a tree. When I woke up 4 hours later, I realized I wasn't hurt. I wasn't eaten by bears, snakes, or spiders! When I walked into my house the next morning, Momma asked how the back yard was. I told her what happened and she told me that God must be watching out for me. He's been watching out for me ever since, because I've been knocked unconscious by a few things, and I'm still here in one piece.

I only have God to thank.

So by your stupidity you walk straight into a tree (and that must be pretty stupid) and you knock yourself out cold. You then awake and attribute it to God saving your life?

Did I understand that idiotic story or do you need to explain more?

[Faith_Machine]

Re: Greetings brothers and sisters!

I regularly preach in my basement to my 23 followers...

What do you mean, "my 23 followers?"

They should be following the Lord, and not you!

Matthew 7:15

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

[RevDrJack]

Re: Greetings brothers and sisters!

I am sorry, Brother Enoch, but the first donation to my little following was not the King James version. We are supposed to be receiving a donation of used bibles and hymnals, so my quotes should be receiving an upgrade quite soon!

We are also in the process of securing a room at a local community center for a more permanent residence where we can hopefully raise more money for our own central structure to be built. I also figured that the community center should be a great place to find the unsaved savages of the world, and teach them of His word. I will update more on this process as I can.

You can read Gods Word® online while you are waiting to get you hands on your very own Precious copy of the King James Version 1611.

It's the ONLY way to go.

Yours in Christ

[Rev. Pete D. Quillan]

Re: Greetings brothers and sisters!

I am sorry, Brother Enoch, but the first donation to my little following was not the King James version. We are supposed to be receiving a donation of used bibles and hymnals, so my quotes should be receiving an upgrade quite soon!

We are also in the process of securing a room at a local community center for a more permanent residence where we can hopefully raise more money for our own central structure to be built. I also figured that the community center should be a great place to find the unsaved savages of the world, and teach them of His word. I will update more on this process as I can.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Greetings brothers and sisters!

Please send us a link to your church website.

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[Brother Enoch]

Re: Greetings brothers and sisters!

Hmm. Your introduction is promising, yet your favorite verse is not from the KJV, The KJV is God's Holy Word as Jesus intended us to read it. Why have you inflicted a flawed translation upon us?

[Rev. Pete D. Quillan]

I was doing some research and finding internets that I could quote from for my next sermon about the evils of teenage promiscuity, and I stumbled across this ultimately valuable internet.

Thank you, good people of almighty God, for establishing a place where true Christians could meet and prove that religion is more factual than science. We must teach school on the heathens that we were never monkey-like creatures, and that science is the evil that has torn this great society apart.

I regularly preach in my basement to my 23 followers in what I call The Church Lit From Above. We are currently trying to receive acceptance in Obama's eyes, and simply want to be rewarded tax-free status to buy new light fixtures. I think the candles are starting to mess with Brother Dan's eyes. I am hoping someone out there can help me with some information on speeding the process up.

My favorite bible verse is "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Matthew 7:1-2)

I didn't find God, he found me. I was on a camping trip and I somehow stumbled into a tree. When I woke up 4 hours later, I realized I wasn't hurt. I wasn't eaten by bears, snakes, or spiders! When I walked into my house the next morning, Momma asked how the back yard was. I told her what happened and she told me that God must be watching out for me. He's been watching out for me ever since, because I've been knocked unconscious by a few things, and I'm still here in one piece.

I only have God to thank.