Fate brought me here

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: Fate brought me here

My only vice is chronic masturbation.
I am at my wits end and need some guidance on how to control myself.

Well then you've come to the right place. It sounds like Jesus sent you here just in time, because as every True Christian(tm) knows, masturbation leads directly to homersexuality.

Luckily for you, I have posted THIS thread, just for degenerates like you!

Your other problem is that you don't attend Church. I'll bet you haven't even tithed!

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[HTannor]

Re: Fate brought me here

I am not homosexual. My only vice is chronic masturbation.

It is reassuring that you are not a homer.

Of the many medals I've been awarded, the "Ex-Masturbator" is my most cherished.

My battle was long and hard but I was quite firm in my resolve to cease choking my chicken.

I consulted with many of the Pastors here about my problem. With their gentle touch and reassurances, I was able to rub out a solution to the issue.

Nowadays, whenever I feel the rising urge, I just whip out a picture of Nancy Pelosi and the problem is solved.

Don't bother to thank me for this short cut, I like to help.

[Wide-Open]

Re: Fate brought me here

It also wouldn't hurt if you capltalized references to God .

Pastor, I reckon it's hard to type and hold the shift key with only one hand.

Well, I imagine that must be the reason...

[Pastor Isaac Peters]

Re: Fate brought me here

Dear friend:

With God, all things are possible. Read the King James Bible (all of it), believe it (all of it), and obey it (all of it). It also wouldn't hurt if you capltalized references to God .

[Horace Head]

Re: Fate brought me here

I am not homosexual. My only vice is chronic masturbation. I was abused in my early teens by a trusted family friend. This man showed me how to pleasure myself. I can not control this urge even at my current age.
I am hoping for something to replace this "urge" with. I have had many failed heterosexual relationships fail due to this weakness that I succumb to. I have been arrested for doing it in my car. I have been caught numerous times at my place of employment.
I am at my wits end and need some guidance on how to control myself.

[HTannor]

Re: Fate brought me here

Your introductory post was pretty thin on details except for one item. That item indicated you live in the Pacific Northwest.

Four cities in that area just made the "Gayest Cities" list. The cities would be Seattle, Portland, Salem, and Eugene.

Since you chose to be vague when it comes to your place of residence, please give us assurances that you are not of "that" persuasion.

[Redeemed Papist]

Re: Fate brought me here

I truly believe that it was gods will that led me down Googles path to this site.

It is late where I am so I must sleep now. I look forward to looking around and learning from this place tomorrow morning.

Everything is God's will.

I cannot really welcome you until you tell me more about yourself, but I offer an opening for you to place yourself on your knees in love for Jesus.

[Jack O'fagan]

Re: Fate brought me here

I truly believe that it was gods will that led me down Googles path to this site.

It is late where I am so I must sleep now. I look forward to looking around and learning from this place tomorrow morning.

I have searched my KJV1611 and I can't find any mention of 'fate'.

YIC

Jack

[Horace Head]

I truly believe that it was gods will that led me down Googles path to this site.

It is late where I am so I must sleep now. I look forward to looking around and learning from this place tomorrow morning.