A Proper Introduction

[Velocitologist]

First of all, I would like apologize for not introducing myself sooner; that's completely my own fault. Now onto the business. There's not a whole lot to say about myself (sorry I'm no Elijah haha) but I'll give the relevant reverent facts about me: I'm the Master Reverend at the First Church of Velocitology in Memphis. Our congregation is small, but very much on fire for God! Now I'm sure most of you are unaware of our particular form of Christian beliefs but I assure you that we love and worship God just as much as the next Church. I completely understand your concern with the legitimacy of my beliefs because I get questions about it all the time and heck, this is the internet so I'm well aware of all the hate messages I could very well receive. Now about my own personal beliefs. My beliefs align mostly with that of Baptists except for I believe that Jesus Christ was a velociraptor. Rest assured that I still stand firm in faith that he was/is the Messiah and Son of God. Please, all I ask is that you consider my belief and keep an open mind. Thank you very much for accepting me into your online community and I hope to talk to you all soon!

[Bob4God]

Re: A Proper Introduction

This is nonsense.

Where in the Bible does it say JESUS was a dinosaur?

They were all wiped out in the flood!

[Velocitologist]

Re: A Proper Introduction

This is nonsense.

Where in the Bible does it say JESUS was a dinosaur?

They were all wiped out in the flood!

Sir, please don't call my views nonsense without even considering them. No where in the Bible does it say Jesus isn't a velociraptor.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: A Proper Introduction

First of all, I would like apologize for not introducing myself sooner; that's completely my own fault. Now onto the business. There's not a whole lot to say about myself (sorry I'm no Elijah haha) but I'll give the relevant reverent facts about me: I'm the Master Reverend at the First Church of Velocitology in Memphis. Our congregation is small, but very much on fire for God! Now I'm sure most of you are unaware of our particular form of Christian beliefs but I assure you that we love and worship God just as much as the next Church. I completely understand your concern with the legitimacy of my beliefs because I get questions about it all the time and heck, this is the internet so I'm well aware of all the hate messages I could very well receive. Now about my own personal beliefs. My beliefs align mostly with that of Baptists except for I believe that Jesus Christ was a velociraptor. Rest assured that I still stand firm in faith that he was/is the Messiah and Son of God. Please, all I ask is that you consider my belief and keep an open mind. Thank you very much for accepting me into your online community and I hope to talk to you all soon!

You are not accepted. You have not introduced yourself properly. This is a Christian forum, not some dino-joke nonsense.

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

[Bob4God]

Re: A Proper Introduction

Sir, please don't call my views nonsense without even considering them. No where in the Bible does it say Jesus isn't a velociraptor.

Nope, still not convinced we should sit here and put up with this kind of trolling.

I ask you, how could a velociraptor's teeny, tiny arms be spread out and nailed to a cross?

[Velocitologist]

Re: A Proper Introduction

You are not accepted. You have not introduced yourself properly. This is a Christian forum, not some dino-joke nonsense.

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

I'm sorry if I've offended in some way; I'm just trying to share my unique Christian belief, as I'm sure you've done on this website. All I ask is that I'm allowed to respectfully express myself. I will read the links you've supplied me. And again, sorry.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: A Proper Introduction

I'm sorry if I've offended in some way; I'm just trying to share my unique Christian belief, as I'm sure you've done on this website. All I ask is that I'm allowed to respectfully express myself. I will read the links you've supplied me. And again, sorry.

Comparing Jesus to an animal is not respectful. You need to apologize to Jesus, pervert.

Jude 1:17 But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken before of the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ;
1:18 How that they told you there should be mockers in the last time, who should walk after their own ungodly lusts.
1:19 These be they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: A Proper Introduction

All I ask is that I'm allowed to respectfully express myself.

NO!!!


How many people are in your congregation?

In other words, how many people have you condemned to eternal hellfire with your false teachings?

[Velocitologist]

Re: A Proper Introduction

Comparing Jesus to an animal is not respectful. You need to apologize to Jesus, pervert.

Sir, I'm not saying he is an animal. I'm saying he is a velociraptor! But not just some velociraptor, he is the image of God in velociraptor form. God himself appeared as a burning bush; a velociraptor is quite mighty.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: A Proper Introduction

Sir, I'm not saying he is an animal. I'm saying he is a velociraptor! But not just some velociraptor, he is the image of God in velociraptor form. God himself appeared as a burning bush; a velociraptor is quite mighty.

Tell me, friend, have you ever been lost in the desert on a summer's day, with no water and no shelter from the sun?

[Velocitologist]

Re: A Proper Introduction

NO!!!


How many people are in your congregation?

In other words, how many people have you condemned to eternal hellfire with your false teachings?

You sir have a horrid signature. The words "Jesus masturbates forever" are the most pronounced words in that sentence. I'm onto you.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Re: A Proper Introduction

You sir have a horrid signature. The words "Jesus masturbates forever" are the most pronounced words in that sentence. I'm onto you.

Please stop making sexual advances at Brother Faith Machine.

The rainbow in his avatar represents God's promise not to flood the Earth ever again, not some gay thing.

Thank you.

[Velocitologist]

Re: A Proper Introduction

Tell me, friend, have you ever been lost in the desert on a summer's day, with no water and no shelter from the sun?

Please don't allude to me being the Son of God. That's preposterous. A raptor can't use a keyboard.

Also, I've made absolutely no sexual advances. I'm sorry if that disappoints you.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: A Proper Introduction

Please stop making sexual advances at Brother Faith Machine.

The rainbow in his avatar represents God's promise not to flood the Earth ever again, not some gay thing.

Thank you.

Thank you for trying to protect me, Reverend Rodimer! I get so many come-ons from gay guys on the Internet, I almost don't notice it anymore.

[Velocitologist]

Re: A Proper Introduction

Thank you for trying to protect me, Reverend Rodimer! I get so many come-ons from gay guys on the Internet, I almost don't notice it anymore.

When Velocijesus said to turn the other cheek, he didn't mean your butt cheeks.