God bless all of you!

[ChristianPatriot]

Hi and God bless, sisters and brothers in faith!

I am an ex-heathen (not by choice, but by default, as I was born in Denmark) who has recently fled the communist nation and I am here to help spread the love of Jesus to those deserving few!

Like all other Danes I was brought up in a modern Gomorrah, not realizing the wrongs passed on to me by my peers until I, not unlike so many others, saw Jesus on a slice of toast. That night, Jesus came to me in my sleep and really touched me, and I have never been the same since then!

I hope you will all accept me, and help me repent my numerous sins, such as believing the lies of socialism, having invited a homosexual into my home and in my teenage days, attending a protestant church

Does anyone have any suggestions for a proper church in the United Kingdom? I've been looking around, but it seems to me that most are run by wolves dressed like sheep (reformist hippies).

- and what's up with the new God particle? I don't follow the liberal media, but it sounds to me like the so-called "scientists" finally proved themselves wrong?

Good day and God bless to you all!

[Mary Etheldreda]

Re: God bless all of you!

Welcome to our friendly forums!

Through which glorious verse from the Holy Bible does the LORD speak to you most? Are you married with a quiver full of children?

[Faith_Machine]

Re: God bless all of you!

...I, not unlike so many others, saw Jesus on a slice of toast.

Listen, I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but you should know that your Catholicism is deeply offensive to us.

If you'd like to learn about Jesus, though, we'd be happy to help.

[ChristianPatriot]

Re: God bless all of you!

Thanks you for the lovely welcome!

While I find it hard to select as single verse, Psalm 144:11 really speaks to me, my past taken into consideration. Sadly I'm not married and have no children yet, as I was born and raised among pagans.

And no offence meant, I simply meant to say that I see Jesus in all that is good!

[James Hutchins]

Re: God bless all of you!

How many living sons has your wife produced?

Friend, Jesus is in everything. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Re: God bless all of you!

Dear Ex-eskimo;

If you'd like to find out more about Landover Baptist Church, please read THIS thread created especially for new posters.

If you have a question, use the "search" function before posting it. Most likely it is being discussed somewhere on this Godly forum. Please don't waste God's precious bandwidth.

You will keep a respectful tongue in your head whenever addressing your betters, which includes all True Christians™. Failure to do so, or any attempt at inciting debate or mockery of God's Divine Plan, can and will result in the suspension of your posting privileges.

Your rights on this forum are listed HERE. If you feel that any of these rights have been violated, please don't hesitate to contact a Pastor at once.

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel

[Jedediah]

Re: God bless all of you!

Like all other Danes I was brought up in a modern Gomorrah, not realizing the wrongs passed on to me by my peers until I, not unlike so many others, saw Jesus on a slice of toast. That night, Jesus came to me in my sleep and really touched me, and I have never been the same since then!

Thank you for your powerful testimony. This reminds me of my own road to Redemption.

I was an effeminate young man who left a broken home at 18 to "find myself" on the midwest truck stop circuit. Quickly gaining notoriety as the I-35 "power bottom" with the hungriest butt, I began turning tricks and appearing in low-budget gay porn films under the screen name "Stretch." My "career" required me to inject muscle relaxants and anesthetics directly into my sphincter so that I could accommodate the sizeable objects being inserted into my rectum on a daily basis. Then one day there was a loud 'POP' and I lost consciousness. I awoke alone in the bathroom of the trailer in a pool of blood, feces and yellow bile, unable to get back on my feet. I had blown out my O-ring. I had hit rock bottom. It was then that I looked up, and the LORD made His face to shine upon me.



The stain on the wall next to the toilet was surely a sign from the LORD of hosts. On October 16, 1998, at 2:34 in the afternoon, I gave my life over to Jesus and accepted Him as my personal LORD and Savior, and I have never looked back. I called up the first Independent Baptist Church I found in the phonebook, and one of the younger Pastors from Landover came to pick me up and get me enrolled in their Ex-Gay treatment program. Today, I am a happily married True Christian™ with a wife and five sons, walking upright in righteousness and perfection.

When I join Jesus in Heaven, my new glorified body will be restored (Isaiah 35:3-5). However, I will have to wear diapers as long as I still live in this earthly body because the decisions I made before entering into a personal relationship with Christ resulted in a prolapsed rectum. As a newly minted Ex-Gay©, I would often yearn for a ham-sized, hairy-knuckled fist buried arm-deep into my rectum. Then I would reflect on the following verse of Scripture.

II Corinthians 5:17
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.

These days, I realize that the most febrile and frenzied anal pounding pales in comparison to the fulfillment I get from Jesus. I pray that all homofags will come to realize what I have: The satisfaction afforded by having your anus filled with strange men's semen is nothing compared to the sense of peace and joy afforded by having your heart filled with Christ's love.

[Faith_Machine]

Re: God bless all of you!

That was a beautiful testimony, Jedediah. Have you prayed for Jesus to restore your continence and fix your prolapsed rectum? I feel certain he will!